Kaliona looked around the ship. Once golden but now blue eyes traced over the old wood that was worn with years of weather and battle. It was almost as if she could see the reenactment of what once was. Her gaze moves out to sea. She had spent majority of the night speaking to multiple people that she had knew and had connections with in order to get a boat. But instead her old friend pulls through and granted her with a ship in return on credit. Kaliona was sure to always pay her debts which is probably the only reason she got away with the ship being so cheap. It needed a little bit of work but it was all right for now. She stood resting her arms on the edge of the ship simply just staring out in silence. The guilt was weighing on her more and more. The farther they got away from the island the worse she felt.

It was almost as if something was standing on her shoulders, pressing against her back and squeezing against her chest. Like she was suffocating but not, at the same time. The thought made her roll her eyes, she knew all too well about suffocating.

It wasn't until that morning when she actually found some relief. Her crew insisted that she take some time to rest and that they would assist any situations that needed to be attended to. As always she trusted them and slithered away to her new quarters. This is where the relief comes in. Laying on the bed and looking up at the ceiling.

Kaliona

I focused, to the best of my ability, on the details of the wood above me.

I was tired.

I am tired.

But I am guilty.

Before I could replay all the things I've done wrong in my life that would cause me to be such an awful person that I am now, a knock pulls me out of my thoughts and moves my gaze to the door.

"Come."

My voice was still harsh from the tube being lodged in my throat the night before. The once silent room apart, from the muffled noises on the outside of it, was now filled with the sound of the door creaking open and then hissing close.

"Captain.."

The voice was soft but I had to have been ignorant to not recognize it.

"What is it Macy?"

At this point I have moved myself back to sitting up with my feet hanging off the bed and my hands in my lap. I look up to my old friend, My One True Friend.

"What happened?"

Macy has never been one to actually speak that much. She was very well reserved and much prefer to talk in private. There'd be some days that she would be nonstop to me but when it came to other people, no one believed that she would speak. I hated it but a part of me dreaded this conversation. Even though I do owe her this. My crew explained to me that I had died. They explained everything and quite frankly it scared me.  I wanted to tell her but something in me told me not to. I couldn't help but to frown as I look down at my hands not able to face her.

"I.."

I hesitated for a moment trying to figure out what kind of story I'd give her but I couldn't come up with any. So I decided to tell her the truth.

Everything.

" I took it upon myself to become stronger. I know now that it might have been Reckless of me but I had no other choice."

Macy's head turned slightly, I can see the confusion but I can also see the anger building behind her eyes. It's almost as if she already knew what happened but wanted to get to the point behind it.

Or maybe she just wanted to hear it out loud. From my own voice. Maybe I disappointed her and she couldn't believe it so she had to find out for herself if it was true?

And of course she does.

Pressing on I mean.

"Which one did you eat?"

Straight to the point.

That's my girl.

"One(s)"

Macy's eyes wide and slightly, I can see her paws begin to clinch.

"Were you even thinking?"

I have to admit the calmness of her voice but yet sternness made my heart jump. The truth is, I wasn't thinking. Not entirely anyway.

"It started weeks ago,"

My head hung slightly. I could feel the scolding. Any other Captain probably wouldn't take this but I deserved it.

"When we are on Miska Island I had obtained a devil fruit from a friend there. He had told me that there was many more out there but they are a rare treat to find. He told me that it wasn't a cheat but it would definitely increase my ability to stand on my own and stand for others."

The words fell from my lips as I dug my nails into my right hand picking at my fingers and then switching to the other. I feel a target on my shoulders and I knew that her gaze had not moved from me.

" I didn't want to say anything to anyone especially you. I knew how you would react so I kept to myself." Realizing what I had said was coming out wrong, I began to justify, " I wasn't trying to be selfish and keep the devil fruits to myself but I didn't want being told no. I can't lose any more people and I'm desperate into finding out who I am."

My eyes Force themselves to meet hers and that is when I realized that she is more shocked than angry.

"He told me of the island-"

"That's why you wanted us to go Razor Gap."

"Yes."

We sat in silence for multiple minutes. Though it was only minutes it felt much longer. It was almost unbearable. Then it changed to being completely unbearable.

"That is when I obtained two more devil fruits." I added.

At this point Macy had pulled up a chair that was placed in the corner and sat in front of me in it. She didn't speak. She was staring at me for a while, pressing the need to continue but with no words.

" I consumed all three-"

"That is why you died." Her voice let off almost an 'aha' moment.

Again there was silence, I wanted to get out of this conversation as soon as I got in it but I moved my gaze  and then kept staring to the floor once more. The only point to move forward from this is to let it all out and move past it.

" Captain you do understand that the only person in recorded history to ever have eaten two was Blackbeard himself. And that was only two fruits. Two."

I looked up at the panda. Something about her face it completely changed and I wasn't completely sure if I could read it this time. It almost looked as if she was concerned but she still looked angry all together. Maybe amazement?

" I'm not trying to sound like a moron but I'm not very educated on devil fruits."

Saying this out loud made me want to smack myself. Why didn't I think of this at the beginning? Why would I consume something that I barely know anything about?

I shook my head. I was pretty firm on my statement. Yes, what I did was wrong but I was doing it out of good. I managed to take a deep breath, it was slightly shaky but I still managed and breaking through the silence I look up at Macy,

" I wish to be alone now."

"Of course."

And with this Macy stood followed by dragging the chair back to its place in the corner.

She didn't look at me when she went to the door.

She didn't look at me as she open the door.

She didn't look at me as she closed it.

In its own fucked up way this whole conversation didn't make me feel any better. Even though I didn't want to actually speak about it right now, I assumed about letting it out would make me feel relief but it actually made me worse. That is when I asked myself.

Did I just betray loyalty?

Not necessarily of my crew but of Macy. The person that's been there since the beginning.

Maybe I was being too condescending or maybe I really was lost. At this point my face rested in my hands. I couldn't explain to you all the emotions that were flooding over me. In a way I was ashamed. I was ashamed of the fact that I lied to my closest friend, I ran away from someone I was in love with again, not to mention I lied to him to.

I let out a sigh.

Well I guess I didn't completely lie to him. I just didn't tell him. I don't know what's worse, leaving someone questioning or leaving someone broken?

I felt guilt of my actions that is the one that weighed me down the most besides regret. I felt the emptiness of loss and the bitter cold embrace of being lost.