"How about that one?" Nick pressed. I frowned; this process was getting tedious. Following his line of sight, I let my eyes wander over a boy with striking red hair that had been pulled back in a bun. 

    "No, he's not my type," I tried to sound as dismissive as I could - anything to hint to Nick that man hunting with him was the least enjoyable activity that I wanted to do at 3 am however he was oblivious to my efforts. 

     "He looks like he has potential," he continued, gesturing excitedly to a man in the right corner. I didn't even bother turning my head.

    "Too short for me." Nick glanced at me through his thick lashes, his eyebrows taut with concentration.

     "Oh, I know! How about that guy to your left! The one with the cap. It's r-" I cut him off abruptly with another long, disinterested sigh. Nick turned to look at me, confusion swimming in his eyes. I watched his excitement die slowly in his eyes in the same a fire lost it's spark eventually and only embers were left in the wind where they would slowly blow out too. I tried to calm myself as I noticed the spark and shine in his eye dim into something more subdued. Something that he seemed to reserve for the cameras when they asked for it. A respectful detachment. Slowly, he dragged his eyes away from the man with the striking cap before turning his head to face me. 

    "Nick, look," I glanced at Bryn who raised her eyebrows at me pointedly before deciding that her laptop was the most important thing ever, "I really appreciate the effort into making me forget but I don't think I can. Besides, even if we were to find a guy, hypothetically," I added catching his renewed energy, "then he's probably already taken." Just like the one beside me. God, Kennedi, stop getting your hopes up. The crash of it all will hurt all the more when reality makes it's appearance.

    "Oh," Nick mumbled, looking away from me, instead fiddling with the material of his shirt, "okay." I wanted to vent, let it out, but I didn't want to say words I didn't mean, be hurtful. It was just so easy to be cruel in that moment and then the damage was done. I looked at Nick, the way his ever present grin had vanished without a trace, at how his eyes were seemingly glazed on a spec of dust I couldn't see. I knew I'd done something pretty awful when I had to work so hard to justify it. The more demanding the reparations my subconscious required the worse I knew it was. My heart twisted uncomfortably in my chest. His excitement, the life in his eyes, it had all disappeared in the course of ten seconds. Because of me. 

    I reached out hesitantly, gingerly laying my hand on his shoulder, "hey," I whispered, "I didn't mean it like that, I'm sorry. It's just-" I broke off, trying desperately to find the right words. I glanced at Bryn who gave me that knowing look. The look that said I knew exactly what to say, I just had to gather the courage to actually say it. I took a deep breath and continued, tilting Nick's head upwards, "it's just, I don't think my dream guy is here right now. Besides, I have your company and that's more than I could ever ask for," I tried to smile warmly at him, wondering how he'd take my apology. I wasn't usually good at them. Thankfully, he returned it and with the smile, came a little flash of life in his eye.

     "It's fine," he smiled, "I guess I just overreacted." Not wanting to push the matter further, I took my hand off his shoulder as his grin returned. Struggling for conversation, I asked the one question I didn't really want the answer to.

    "How about you tell me about your girlfriend?" I asked gently, my eyebrows waggling. I heard Bryn's fingers slow on the keyboard, a short and sharp breath escaping her. I didn't want to look at her. I could feel her shock at my question. I suppose, my feelings had always been easy to read to an extent and she had always been a master at deciphering what I could or was going to feel. However, Nick didn't notice or he simply didn't mention anything about my mood changes; instead he laughed at my eyebrow wiggling skills. It's going to be fine, I tried to calm myself, besides, we're going to be spending the next couple hours together. I may as well try and get rid of this discomfort. And hey, I may as well find out how she makes him so happy. He deserves it. 

    "Well," the way he started was enough to make my heart twist. It wasn't that long ago, I had a boyfriend that had started off with his descriptions of me like that. The way he said it was like she had hung the moon and he would forever be infatuated with his girl of the skies. The girl who had spun him stories that shimmered like the stars in the night sky they both wished upon or the girl who had hung the moon, his lone companion in the night when things got heavy. I forced myself not to fall to pieces with this simple four letter word, instead trying to focus on what Nick was saying, "I suppose there's not much to say," he replied, with a touch of awkwardness, "She's 19 although turning 20 in November which," he paused, counting the months, "in around three months. I'm almost nine months younger than she is although you wouldn't be able to tell physically," he let out a laugh, "and she was originally from France but moved to Germany when she was about 17 due to a business deal her parents needed. She's never told me this directly, but I know for a fact she's next in line to take over her parent's businesses," he seemed to fade out of conversation, probably hallucinating about his newest Alyce fantasies. I didn't want to imagine them. 

    "Nicolai," I said in a sing-song voice, "psst, Nick! I haven't finished grilling you on your magical lady," I teased. Silence ensued and I sighed, moving my fingers in front of his face, snapping them sharply. It seemed to have the desired effect as he shook himself out of his Alyce fantasies. I tried to smile at him although it probably looked like a grimace. 

    "Sorry," Nick said shyly which surprised me, "I guess I zoned out." His gaze still looked blank and I tried to calm the jealousy stirring in my heart. 

    "She must be quite the sight if you've been transported into Alyce fantasy land," I nudged him, "tell me, what does she look like? Is she as beautiful as the media says?" I smiled. This part of my curiosity was mostly for my benefit. Being a new addition to the silver screens without her lead role being released in any movie, it was hard for the press to have taken any photos of her yet. Nick let out a long breath as if he had been running a marathon. 

    "Oh god, where do I start?" He smiled and god, that smile. As soon as he smiled at me, my jealousy whisked away like a bunch of fruit-flies caught in a heavy gust of wind. Euphoria rushed through my veins. Happiness flared in his eyes and for the first time in a while it began to in mine too. Even if the world around me started collapsing, my heart would not get crushed as long as I was looking at you. "Her tall frame and slender body is similar to a Victoria secret model. Her blue eyes, like the sea, are calm and gentle. Long, wavy blonde hair, so smooth and silky, almost as if it was tailored from gold fabric. She's probably the most beautiful person I've ever seen since.." he trailed off and I let him.

    She's the most beautiful person I've ever seen.

    "Excuse me, I need to stretch my legs," I replied hoarsely. I raced off, running towards the nearest bathroom. I barely saw Nick's gesture, the absent-minded wave of his hand as he lost himself in his Alyce fantasy land once more. I barely registered the signs and people as I blindly rushed past everyone, the crowds thinning as I reached the bathrooms. My heart was twisting with jealousy and rage, not at Nick, but at myself. How could you be so stupid, Kennedi?  He'll never want you. He wants Alyce and he has her. He loves her. Beautiful, kind, sweet, darling Alyce. 

    I had always been so self-conscious when I cried but now I just gave way to the enormity of my grief. The loss of someone I thought I could hold onto forever and the loss of someone else I would never have. I sobbed into my hands and the tears dripped between my fingers, raining down onto the immaculate tiles. My breathing was ragged, gasping and the strength left my legs. Sinking to my knees, I didn't care about the coldness that seeped into her knees. I was noisy, my skin was blotched but there was no-one there to witness it let alone come to comfort me. I cried until no more tears came, but still the emptiness and sorrow remained. There was nothing left, nobody left, no reason to move. I rocked myself forwards and backwards as if I could take what haunted me in the future and throw it back in the past. As if I could control what held my heart captive.

    I stood up on shaking legs, grabbing the ceramic sink before glancing at the mess I was in the mirror. My blonde hair was disheveled and the whites of my eyes were bloodshot, further highlight the differences I had. The one amber eye looked like a blown out fire and the blue looked like a stormy and treacherous sea. I couldn't bear to look anymore, so I turned away.

    Stupid.

   It started out as a thought. Soon it became a whisper on my lips, as if it were nothing more than a holy prayer. I closed my eyes as I raised the word. At first, a whisper, a shadow lurking in alleyways then it became a word people would freely use on the streets. Then it became a note a person in an orchestra would play when called upon. A note that was harsh and sounded like screeching, unbearable pain. It was a miracle no one had come running in. By the time I had my throat dry, the last word slipped out of my mouth, unwanted. I turned my attention to the wall, it's cool and strong exterior perfect for punching.

    I slammed my fists against the walls, stronger and harder as my emotions developed themselves.

    The intensity eventually died down as I realised dully that my jealousy was merely replaced with sadness. A deep bone-hurt that wasn't because of Nick or even my ex. The sadness was because of me. Because I had let myself get too attached to boys I wasn't supposed to. I forced myself to stand up and walk towards the mirror even though my reflection would terrify me. I knew what I would see. Broken and bloodshot eyes and splotchy cheeks. My left hand was sore too, the force of slamming it against the wall leaving it swollen and sore. Tears kept falling and I let them, too angry with my lack of self control. 

    I thought it would happen again. Another vicious cycle of hatred that seemed desperate to latch onto anything so that it would be allowed the freedom to be let out. I thought I would lose myself to that darkness again when I heard a quiet voice behind me. A voice I knew all too well. A voice that I had long loved and adored.

    "You're none of those things, Kennedi Marshall." I didn't need to turn around to see who it was.

    "Bryn," I whispered, falling back onto my knees, the cold being a sweet and gentle relief as she rushed forward to catch me.

   "Let's get you cleaned up, hey?" she whispered gently, kneeling next to me on the floor, holding me in a way that seemed to stick all my broken fragments of a soul back together.