A/N: a huge thank you to everyone that's been reading so far! you've given me so much motivation to write <3 this chapter is quite a hard one though!

TW: domestic violence and self harm

"What the hell do you call this?" My eyes opened wide as I felt my duvet being torn from my body. "Shouldn't you be at school?!" I looked up to see a blurry figure standing over me and I reached for my glasses. My eyes focused on my dad, towering over me with a furious expression on his face.

"Get out! I'm sleeping!" I yelled, trying to grab my duvet. My dad held it just out of my reach to taunt me.

"Sit up." My dad spat, and I did as he says. He held something to my mouth and tipped it up. I closed my lips out of instinct, and tried to read the label. Smirnoff. Wasn't that a kind of vodka? Surely not. My dad didn't... "Drink," He demanded. I kept my lips closed, and my eyes widened with fear. "I said drink!" I shook my head firmly and let a tear escape my eye.

He pulled the vodka away from my lips, and threw the bottle at the wall. It smashed and I heard a faint whimper from under my bed. Aislynn. Thankfully, my dad didn't notice, and I let out a sigh of relief. My sigh turned to a scream as my dad grabbed my arm and yanked me to my feet. His height was intimidating as I stared up into his eyes, seeing nothing but rage. For such a tall man his temper was short. He grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled it to the right. I let out a yelp, which only enraged him more. "Shut up! It doesn't even hurt." He blared, pulling tighter.

"Let me go!" I yelled. His hand met my neck and he pushed me against the wall. My head banged against it, and I started to feel dizzy. "Please, dad! Please let go!" I cried, my voice wavering. His palm slapped against my face, and the crack reached my ears before I felt the sting. "What the fuck?!" My knee moved quickly and I hit him between his legs. Right where it hurt. He bounced away from me, falling to the floor.

He staggered to his feet holding his crotch, looked me up and down with spite, and left the room. If anyone deserved to be spiteful it was me. I rushed forward and slammed the door behind him, before sliding down it and pulling my knees to my chest. I rocked on the spot, clutching my hands together to stop them from shaking. I was so afraid. I couldn't be there anymore. As if on cue, a pair of gentle arms pulled me into an embrace. "Let's get out of here." Her faint voice sounded distant. When I didn't respond, she stood and started rummaging through my things.

"Can I stay with you for a bit?" I whispered, picking at some old Blu-Tac that was squashed into my carpet. Unsurprisingly, she shook her head.

"I really wish you could, but you know you can't." She sat down next to me, sliding down the light walls of my room, until our thighs brushed together. Normally, any physical contact from her was okay, but I found myself shifting away.

"I can't be in this house anymore. Are you sure your parents wouldn't understand?" I pleaded, feeling my throat tighten.

"Mayson..."

Great. Absolutely fucking brilliant. The carpet was now clean, so my hands didn't have a distraction. I started to pick at the skin around my nails. Blood started to trickle from the sides of my thumb, and I smiled, satisfied from the sight of the ooze. Aislynn gasped when she saw what I was doing, and took my hands firmly in her own. The flesh burned, not from my self-inflicted wounds, but from her touch. It was a stark contrast from the usual relaxation I feel when she touched me, and I hated it. It frightened me. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Louder and louder. Faster and faster. My ears ring. My throat anticipates.

"W-Why am I losing everything?!" I really thought this was going to be an epic shouting moment, but I guess my body had other ideas. It barely came out at all, and when it did, it was merely a whisper. "My mum dying was bad enough, but now my dad-" I continued, trying to stop the waver in my voice.

"Shh... I know." Aislynn's words settled deep within my core. They annoyed me. They lit fires in me I didn't think there was fuel for. She did not know. She couldn't possibly know what I was going through. She wasn't in my head.

"He's a monster, Aislynn!" I yelled. Sobs wracked my body. I hicupped, screamed, and cried. It didn't help. Nothing could help me in that moment. Not even Aislynn. I was okay with that. I wanted to feel this right now. I wanted to hurt. My grief had been presenting in random outbursts, not violent like my dad, just pure unbridled pain. I let myself lean my head back against the wall, and I bawled my eyes out. I'd not done this much before, I didn't have that many tantrums or meltdowns as a child and when I did they were usually quiet and self-harming. As a kid though, it was never for a pain like this. Just kid problems like not getting something that I wanted. That felt so stupid now. Footsteps echoed in the hallway, stopping outside the door. Three faint knocks. I needed to leave. 

"You need to calm down..." She soothed. Her tone was so soft, so calming. It forced me to breathe. Her touch on my hands, although it was unwanted, let me feel something other than my despair. I felt my chest slow it's rapid rising. I breathed some more. In and out. Just like Aislynn.

She dropped my hands once my breathing was settled, and I used them to wipe my face. My eyes stung, they were not used to crying, but they'd definitely have the chance to get better at it. The dull ache in my sinus' reminded me of how annoying crying actually was. I understood why my dad hated it. Assuming he still did. With how much he'd changed, even gaining the nerve to hit his own kid, I wasn't sure I knew anything about him anymore.

I rose to my feet, and propped a chair underneath my door handle. It's how I'd been locking my door for years. Together, Aislynn and I clambered out of my window, each with a newly filled backpack of essentials, and we headed towards my mum's car.

Aislynn inserted her key-card into the slot, and we waited for the ping, before opening the door. I walked through the small hall, and lobbed my backpack onto the queen sized bed, which sat proudly in the middle of... nothing. There was hardly any space around the bed to move. Great. Who knew how long we'd be there for, and it was absolutely tiny. It was still better than home, though. The lights flickered on, counteracting the slight glow the sunset provided in the room. The walls were white, with brown and navy triangles around the edges. Kind of gross, but again it was better than with him. I slithered under the rough duvet, spreading my limbs out and starfishing. I was so exhausted. Aislynn shuffled around me, unpacking our bags, while I rested my eyes. For just a moment, I thought I'd manage to fall asleep. Until a knock at the door startled me upright.

"Ah, that'll be the pizza. Can you get it, Mase?"

"Mhm!" I grumbled, rubbing my puffy eyes as I approached the door. Muttering a 'thank you', I accept the cheesy goodness. It smelled so good. This was definitely worth missing sleep for.

That night, like every night the past week, the sky cried out. Since my mom passed away, it had been grieving with me. My head was tucked into Aislynn's shoulder, as it tended to be, but I was listening to the patter of the rain outside the hotel window. She'd helped me so much already. Without knowing it, she'd made me come to terms with the fact that I actually did miss my mother a lot. I think I missed her before she died, though. The mum I once knew had been gone for a long time. That was something I could never come to terms with. Why hadn't she tried harder for me? Was I not worth it? Maybe that was what her bike ride was for. She might have been coming to my graduation. Perhaps she even snuck out to get past my dad without a beating and that is why she cycled. I decided I could choose to believe that. It gave me comfort thinking that maybe she had been trying to reach me, but it also gave me someone to blame for her death. Myself and my dad. 

If I hadn't wanted her at my graduation, she wouldn't have left the house and she wouldn't have died. If my dad hadn't treated her badly, she would have taken the car and went with him, not cycled alone. So my rage at him was justified, and his rage at me was justified. I could be an outlet for his anger by taking the hit. That made sense and I deserved it. We had someone to blame, we had a reason why she left the house, and we had a funeral. So now I could force my grief down and never touch it. It was my fault, so I didn't deserve to miss her. No matter how much I wished she was the one holding me, telling me everything was going to be okay, she wasn't. And she never would be. It was okay now, though. It was my fault and I had Aislynn for comfort. She made me feel safe..