TW: domestic abuse, self harm

My head felt fuzzy as I tried to respond. I didn't understand why he was doing this to me. He squeezed my neck more, and I gasped for breath. His fingers were painful as he gripped me, and I tried to focus on that instead of my fear. I'd been terrified of my dad before but he had never raised a hand to me, only mu mum, which is why this was such a shock. My eyes were wide and tears streamed down my cheeks and onto his hands. A loud bang from outside distracted him and he looked towards the front door. 

When he looked back at me, his eyes widened in terror, and he pulled his hand away. "I'm so sorry, May. Are you hurt?" He lifted his hand towards my chin, but I flinched away from the contact. I couldn't even look at him anymore.

I stormed away and slammed my bedroom door shut. I moved to the window and let Aislynn in. She gasped as she saw me, although I'm not sure why. My eyes were dry so there were no obvious signs of the incident. "Shit. What happened?" She asked. I didn't want to tell her the interaction I just had with my father, so I stayed quiet. Her fingers traced over my neck, and I winced as she touched the tender flesh. "Was this your dad?" I nodded and move towards my mirror.

"It's fine. He was just upset he didn't mean it." I reassured her, trying to be brave despite me literally shaking with fear.

Dark purple finger shapes covered my neck, and I gasped as I saw the damage. I knew he hurt me but I didn't think it would leave a mark. "It's not okay." She tried, dropping it as I forced my tears down and glared at her. "We need to get some ice on that." Aislynn continued, moving towards my bedroom door.

"Don't! He's still out there." I grabbed her wrist, holding her back. My eyes pleaded with her, but she pulled her arm away.

"He won't hurt me, Mayson. I need you to trust me." She twisted the doorknob and opened the door. I knew it was no use arguing with her, she cared about me too much and stopping her would be nearly impossible. 

"Be careful." I warned. I didn't want my father to hurt her too. She nodded and disappeared out of my bedroom. I sat on my bed and fidgeted with my fingers, waiting for her to return. I heard the creek of the freezer opening. 

Aislynn walked back in a moment later, holding a bag of frozen peas. "Did he see you?" I asked, getting up to close the door behind her.

"I saw him but he didn't see me." She said, and I let out the breath I didn't know I'd been holding. "Here, put your chin up." I did as she said and gasped as the cold wrapped around my neck. "Just hold that there, darling. It should keep the swelling down."

The next morning, I got out of bed nice and early and started to prepare breakfast for us. Dishes were piled at the side of the sink, some growing mouldy and some newer. Before I started to cook, I cleaned them up. I assumed my dad has gone to work, because his car was gone and it was a weekday. I didn't know why he was working in the state he was in, but maybe it helped keep his mind off things and calm him down. I understood that. I kind of wished school was still going so that I had something to constantly be focusing on too. But I was doing okay. The funeral offered me a bit of closure and everything could move on now and settle back down. I needed that.

I poured pancake batter into the pan and swirled it around, trying to make a perfect circle. It came out an oily mess, but hey, it was the first pancake. The next few came out better and I couldn't help but be a little proud of them. I stacked them onto plates and loaded them with Nutella, before heading into my bedroom and waking up Aislynn.

"Wake up, baby." I stroked her cheek gently and watched as her eyes flickered open. "I've made breakfast." She sat up and rubbed her eyes. 

"How's your neck?" Her voice was groggy and she reached out to touch my neck. The bruises were worse than the day before, but they felt better now unless I touched them. I close my eyes as she ran her fingers along my neck and down to my collarbones. "It seems a bit better." She whispered.

"It is. The food is set out at the table, if you want to come through." I said. Her eyes widened in surprise as I mentioned her sitting at the table to eat. "My dad is at work, so we'll be okay." I added. She looked even more surprised at the idea of my dad being at work, but she got over it quickly and stood up. She stumbled getting out of bed before walking over to the table with me. 

"This looks amazing!" She said, and giggled as her stomach growled. I thanked her and we sat down. I took a bite of the pancakes and smiled as I enjoyed them. "Shit. It doesn't just look amazing." Aislynn remarked, moaning quietly around a bite of pancake.

"Thank you." I giggled and continued eating. I checked the time and sped up as I read it. "Are you gonna stay here while I go to my exam?" 

"Maybe. What one is today?" She finished eating and put down her fork.

"Maths. Didn't study for it, but I think it should be fine." I responded, eating my last mouthful with a nonchalant expression that confused Aislynn. She knew that maths was my best subject, and that I'd do well without studying but she also knew how much it meant to me to get top marks so it was surprising how little I worried about it. I'd just had more important things to worry about recently.

"You know you have a pretty good excuse not to go at all, right?" She pointed out, looking into my eyes.

"I'm fine." I said, my tone short. She raised her eyebrows in concern, and tried to reach out for my hand. "That look is exactly why I didn't want to go to the funeral." I pushed my chair away from the table and went to the bathroom. I knew Aislynn didn't deserve that, she was only trying to care for me, but she knew me better than anyone, and she knew I hated being treated like I could break at any moment. I turned the shower onto the highest heat and hopped straight in. The water burned my skin and I watched it flush red. The pain was grounding, but it wasn't enough, and I knew what I had to do.

I watched in satisfaction as the water diluted the blood running down my thighs, and I stepped out soon after. I almost screamed as I pulled the shower curtain to the side and found Aislynn sitting on the closed toilet seat, waiting for me. "Shit! Don't scare me like that." I said, wrapping my towel around me. She stood up and walked towards me before pulling my towel away. "Hey! It's so cold." I exclaimed. She gestured to my thigh and tears filled her eyes.

"Is this because of me?" She asked, her voice sounding defeated. My heart broke as a tear fell down her cheek, and I reached out to wipe it away. She leaned her face away from my hand, so I dropped it.

"It's not you. I feel bad about what I said to you." I held my arms out to offer her a hug. She reluctantly accepted it, and wrapped her arms around me. "I'm sorry." I started, but shushed me. 

"I know. Let me just get it cleaned up for you, and we can move on." She offered, her tone reserved, letting me know she wasn't really done speaking.

---------

"I'll wait here for you." Aislynn said, kissing my cheek. No matter how much I tried to convince her to stay at home or go out somewhere during my exam, she was adamant she would wait the full 3 hours. 

"Okay, I love you." I stepped out of the car.

"I love you, too. Good luck." She smiled softly as I walked towards my high school. I took a deep breath before walking through the main entrance and towards the exam hall. I checked my seat number and waited outside the room. After a few minutes the maths teachers appeared and I saw their eyes widen when they spotted me. I held my breath and hoped none of them noticed the poor job I've done of hiding my bruises with makeup.

"Mayson? I didn't expect to see you today." Mrs Johnson said, coming over to me. She was the only teacher I felt safe enough to come out to.

"I have an exam, don't I?" I responded, even though I knew what she meant. She blinked away her shock, and looked at me sympathetically.

 "I was so sorry to hear about your mum." She started. "I can write to the SQA if you want to go home, you know."

"Thanks, but I'm fine." I said, trying not to blow up at her. Thankfully, she took the hint and stopped. She gave me to opportunity to email her even though I was no longer a pupil, which I accepted gratefully. She was the easiest person in my life to talk to and she always offered me solutions that actually helped. I felt more ashamed at my relapse when I saw her again, she knew about my self harm but had risked her job for me by not reporting it as a safeguarding concern. That made my respect for her as a person increase drastically.

"How was it?" AIslynn asked as I stepped into the car.

"It was good. I think I got full marks but I'm not supposed to say that, so don't tell." I responded, a big grin on my face.

"That's amazing! Well done, sweetheart." She leaned over the centre console and gave me a quick kiss.

"Thank you!" I flapped my hands excitedly for a moment before starting the car.

Once we reached the house, I flopped straight into my bed, needing to rest my eyes and mind for a while. I loved the adrenaline rush I got from exams, hearing the invigilator telling us to begin always gave me such a rush. But they are still incredibly exhausting and I always need a couple of days to recover. Thankfully I picked good subjects that gave me plenty of breaks between the exams, and I guess we could also thank SQA scheduling but we all pretended to hate the SQA so I didn't give them any credit.

Aislynn sensed my exhaustion, and pulled the duvet over both of us, scooping me into a warm embrace.

"I love you so much." I said, leaning into her more. My eyes closed and I sighed contently. 

"I love you, too. More than I could ever show you." She responded, kissing my forehead. "You can nap, if you want. I know you're sleepy." I hummed in response and let myself drift away into dreamland.