trigger warning: loss and domestic abuse.

The walk to the cemetery was short and silent. Aislynn tried to strike up conversation once, but when I didn't engage, she figured it was best to leave me be. I wasn't sure who had organised the funeral, but after what I'd just seen, I doubted it was my dad. 

We turned into the field, and my eyes widened at the library of stones. It was shocking to see the vast amount of headstones there were, and to think this was only one cemetery in a relatively small town. Some were more loved than others. Their flowers were fresher, their stones were cleaner. Some were young and some were old. The headstones for children broke my heart, so I tried not to cast my eyes in their direction. People sat on the side of the path, weeping, laughing and talking.

A group of white chairs sat just off the path. I assumed that was my mum's funeral. People were already seated, although not as many as I expected. My mum was a well-loved person, and there must have only been a dozen people there, but it still made my heart speed up. The previous nerves I had about seeing that many people made their way to the surface, and I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Are you okay?" Aislynn asked, trying to nudge me forward.

"So, you know how I said I could do this?" She nodded. "Is it too late to take it back?" She looked around for a moment before pulling me towards a cherry blossom tree. The flowers were pink and perfect, unfitting for a graveyard. She sat down and gestured for me to do the same. Peering around the tree gave me a perfect view of the funeral, and I felt hidden enough that I doubted anyone would recognise me. 

"This is perfect. Thank you." I placed a soft kiss to her lips and she reciprocated it.

Everything stood still as different people moved about. They made speeches about my mother, some half-truths and some absolute bullshit, but it brought me comfort. They shared stories that made me laugh, and they played my mum's favourite song. It was pretty nice, for a funeral, and I felt at peace for the first time since her death. Actually content rather than numb.

Aislynn wrapped her arms around me as my mum's casket is put on the casket-lowering device, and I watched as she started to descend into the ground. The buzz of the machine operating burns my ears, and I covered them to muffle it. I started to sob as her casket disappears below the surface, and various people threw flowers in. I wish I had something to throw in. My entire body would have done but unfortunately I was still in it.

"No, please, no-" I cried. I tried to run towards the scene, but Aislynn's grip on my waist tightened. I heard her attempts at comforting me, but they were distant and didn't get through. I couldn't focus on anything except watching my mother disappearing. I thought about her being trapped underground, in a box for the rest of time. Or, until her casket got chewed threw by woodlice. "Momma, don't leave me. Please don't go." My voice was high pitched and barely audible. "Why is this happening?" I asked, begging for whatever is out there to answer me. "Why did you have to take her away?" I watched as dirt was poured onto my mum, sealing her in. People didn't belong in the ground. My mum didn't deserve to die. I would have taken her place in an instant if I could.

I tried to take in a breath, but it felt like my throat was being squeezed by something. I started to panic and tried taking in a few quick breaths to get more air, but I still felt like it wasn't not enough. I braced myself on the tree we were leaning against and closed my eyes. Aislynn's hand landed on my shoulder and I tried to focus on the tingly sensation, but it didn't help. I heard her voice ringing in my ears, "Hey, hey. Breathe, Mayson." I looked up and into her concerned eyes, and tried to mimic her breathing. She took slow breaths in through her nose, and released them slowly through her mouth.

She pulled me into her and rubbed my back slowly. Tears streamed from my eyes and snot ran down my face, but she didn't care, she let me rest my face against her chest anyway. Copying her breathing pattern gots easier once I could feel the rise and fall of her chest, and I started to calm down. "That's it..." She whispered into my ear. She continued comforting me with her words and actions, and my breathing returned to normal. My eyes felt heavy and sore, and for the first time in a while, I wanted to close them.

Aislynn could sense how tired I was, and pulled me to the ground. She propped herself up against the tree and let me cuddle into her. "You're safe here. Go to sleep." She pulled me closer to her and kissed the top of my head. Her heartbeat sounded in my ear and I focused on it's steady rhythm. The grass was short at the cemetery, but I could feel it blowing and scratching against my ankles. I wanted to remember this moment forever, no matter how much I hated it. Sleep was tempting. It forced my eyes to stay closed, and dulled my hearing. I thought I was strong enough to resist it forever, but right then, I gave in. 

It was dark by the time every guest had left and Aislynn shook me awake. "Hey, sleepyhead." I groaned and sat up. "Everyone is gone now. It's late." I moved off of her and stood up. She did the same and reaches out for my hand. 

"Do you think you could wait here for a minute?" I asked her. "There's something I have to do." She agreed and waited behind the tree as I approached my mum's new headstone. I sat down in front of it and admired the different flowers. Lilies, daffodils, roses. She hated all of those, but they were some of my favourites.

"So you know how in movies everyone's always talking to graves? And we would always laugh and talk about how strange that is? Well, I don't think it's strange anymore. I didn't realise how abrupt death is. How do you say goodbye to someone that can't say it back?" Tears blurred my vision, but I wiped them away and continued. "I didn't see dad today. At the funeral, I mean. I always thought he loved you, but maybe not enough. I guess everyone processes grief differently, but I don't think he's processing it at all."

"I'm going to visit, when I can, but I start university in September, so I'll be busy." My voice cracked as I kept talking. "I feel sort of ridiculous right now, but only my girlfriend is here. Surprise, I'm gay. I don't know why I didn't tell you before but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I guess I thought it would mess up the future you had in mind for me or something."

"I'm also trans. Well, non-binary, but it's under the umbrella. I'm still called May, though. I mean, it's Mayson now but there's not much difference. Anyway, I'm gonna go now. I haven't eaten much in a week and I am so unbelievably hungry." I took a deep breath and stood up. "I didn't say it enough when you were here, but I love you." 

I strolled over to Aislynn, a faint smile creeping onto my lips. "Ready?" She asked, raising an eyebrow as she sees my smile.

"Yeah. Can we stop and get something to eat on the way home?" Her face lit up and she nodded instantly. 

"You got it. We'll go anywhere you want."

I watched as Aislynn disappears around the side of the house before opening the front door. It was already unlocked, but I didn't think anything of it. I closed the front door behind me, and started to walk through the hall. I wasn't careful with the floorboards, it was only seven, so my dad shouldn't be asleep. The house was eerily dark, and the silence was deafening, but I thought that was because I didn't have Aislynn with me. She makes everything better.

I heard a crash in the kitchen, and froze in my steps. "Dad?" I called out, my voice wavering. I let out a scream as he appeared from around the corner and pins me against the wall. My head hit a picture frame, and it falls to the ground, smashing. The picture of our family cracked right over my mum's face. My dad squeezed the sides of my neck, and I started to choke on my breath, again. Except this time it wasn't just my body panicking, but my own father. His breath reeked of... I don't know what, and it stung my eyes. His fingers were rough against me, and I tried to call out for Aislynn, but I couldn't. I tried to plead with him, my eyes filling with tears, but he didn't back off.

"Where the hell have you been?!" He roared.

A/N: well this was a very hard chapter to write. somehow it's the shortest one of the book, but it took me 12 hours (on and off) to write. and yes, it really is called a casket-lowering device. i had to google it.