"What are you thinking about?" I looked up at Aislynn as she spole. She was sitting behind me playing with my hair. It had been my favourite pastime in the past two weeks as it gave me time to be with my thoughts. "Just the funeral. I don't think I'm gonna go." I'd been having a hard time speaking since my mum passed, so my voice came out croaky, but Aislynn looked proud that I spoke regardless. "I think you should go. I can help you get ready if you'd like." She responded, smiling down at me.

Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes. I hadn't slept since that night and I was a wreck when overtired, but I still hadn't let a single tear fall. "Hey, shhh, it's okay." She pulled me in closer to her chest. The times she was gentle with me were the times that I almost broke completely. It reminded me of mothers. Not my mum really, she didn't have much time to be gentle between work and my dad, but it reminded me of how she should have been and she maybe could have been had her life not been extinguished.

"I'm just worried you'll have regrets." I thought about it for a while longer, and buried my face into her completely.

"I- I'm worried about that too but I can't do it. I can't see all those people. They're all gonna hug me and look at me like I'm broken and I don't want that." I mumbled. 

"I know, I know... It's okay. We can stay here." I nodded, but I knew it wasn't right. "Let's get some sleep. It's late."

We moved into our usual sleeping position. Aislynn lay with her head propped up on some pillows and I snuggled into her neck. Her hands gently lifted my t-shirt up and she drew circles on my back . The contact was comforting and goose bumps appeared on my skin. I closed my eyes and slowed down my breathing until I was sure Aislynn had done the same. Once she was asleep I sat up and grab my phone.

No matter how hard I tried to focus on scrolling, my thoughts kept returning to the funeral. I felt so guilty about not going. There's no other way to explain it. She was dead so she wasn't going to know but it felt like I was betraying her. She wasn't the best mum but I still love her and I knew she loved me too. My initial pettiness over her not coming to my graduation seemed ridiculous now.  

Everything started to feel suffocating, and I was desperate for some air. I got out of bed and made my way to my window before cracking it open. The sun was just starting to rise, and the sky glowed a warm orange where the sun met it. The night was clear, but the stars weren't as visible as they were earlier in the night.

The time on my phone read 04:55, so I thouoyooght my dad will be waking up soon to get himself ready. I hadn't left my room much other than to grab a snack from the cupboards that were now practically empty, but from our limited interactions I could tell he had been a little out of it. He did tell me about the funeral, which started in a few hours, but he was slurring over his words. He didn't drink anymore and hadn't since I was a young chid so I decided he was just tired.

I heard a quiet groan behind me and turned around to see Aislynn sitting up and rubbing her eyes. "Come back to bed, sweetheart. It's so early..." She mumbled, her voice still thick with sleep.

"I think I want to go to the funeral." I said, my own words surprising me.

"Yeah, okay. Yeah. I- I'll help you get ready." She said, not sounding as tired as she did a second ago. "Would you like to shower first?" She asked.

"That's probably a good idea. I stink." I managed a small giggle, and watched as her eyes lit up. She got out of bed and made her way over to me. Her arms wrapped around my waist and her breath tickled my ear as she rested her head on my shoulder.

"I don't think I could ever get tired of watching the sky." She whispered. Even with all the chaos in my life, Aislynn effortlessly provided me with moments of peace. She meant the world to me, and I couldn't do this without her.

"I love you." I said to her. We'd said countless times already, but this time was different. I really wanted her to know how much I appreciated her.

"I love you, too." She responded,  kissing me gently on my neck. "Let's get ready now." I nodded and let her lead me to the bathroom.

"Would you like to shower alone or together?" She asked.

I thought about it for a moment. My chest dysphoria was bad, and I was insecure of how I looked, but I knew Aislynn wouldn't judge me, and she would probably make me feel better about myself. "Will you wash my hair?" I asked after a while and she nodded. "Together, then."

She turned the shower on and adjusts the temperature. Steam slowly began filling the room and the air grew thicker which made my breathing feel slightly restricted. The water hit on the bathtub below and it relaxed me instantly. I loved the sound of rain.

The sound of rain was almost deafening as I hid under my parents duvet. I didn't have to say a word for them to know how afraid I was, they could see it in how much I was shaking. I thought about how late at night it was. The darkness enclosed our caravan, and it only added to my fear. My parents each wrapped an arm around me, holding me tightly.

My head rested on my mum's chest and my eyes were wide trying to adjust to the surroundings. She was stroking my hair gently, but it didn't do much to calm my nerves. The room flashed for a split second before going dark again. I felt my dad's finger tapping my back six times before there was a loud rumble.

I let out a quiet scream, and my mum pulled me even closer. "It's okay, sweetheart, it's just thunder. Close your eyes and go to sleep." She said, but I couldn't. I was too afraid.

"Do you remember when we saw the Eiffel Tower yesterday?" My dad asked. I nodded against my mum. "You remember how tall it is?" I nodded again. "Well, we are six whole sleeping Eiffel Towers away from the thunderstorm."

"That's super far..." I said, my young mind barely able to comprehend what he was saying, but I could tell he thought it was far, and I trusted him. "How do you know?" I yawned.

"Light travels super duper quickly, and sound is much slower than that. So you count the seconds between them, and do some maths, and that's how I know how many Eiffel Towers are between us and the thunderstorm." He said. Of course I had no idea what he meant, but his voice relaxed me.

My mum started to snore quietly, and I knew she had fallen asleep. "Oh, I've bored mum." He said with a giggle. I started to laugh too, although it took a lot of effort because of how close to sleep I was.

"Go to sleep now, May. I love you." He said.

"I love you too, daddy." I whispered before closing my eyes and letting sleep pull me in.

"Mayson?" I look up and see Aislynn staring at me, concern filling her gaze. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I was just thinking about rain." I say, trying to reassure her with a smile. That was one of the best memories I had if my parents together, maybe the only positive one, and it filled me with warmth. My parents did love eachother at one point. Maybe they always did, and that was why Mum never left him and let me witness all that I did.

Aislynn started to strip her own clothes off, and I watched with a slight blush before doing the same. Her beauty was unmatched. Her red hair bounced down her shoulders and freckles dusted her shoulders. I could've stared at her all day, but I would never want her to feel uncomfortable in her own skin, so I refrained. She stood completely naked in front of me, and I felt silly in my t-shirt, but I couldn't bring myself to take it off.

"You can keep your t-shirt on if you'd prefer. I never want you to feel uncomfortable around me." She said.

"I think I'll do that, thank you." I responded with a small smile. I loved how she was always so considerate. She dropped everything to move in with me the day my mum died, although, she was staying over most nights before then.

We got into the bathtub, and she sat me down at the end opposite end from the shower. She turned off the big showerhead and turned on the little one before bringing it closer to me.

"Turn around for me." She said and I turned until my back pressed against her chest. She got me to tilt my head up before she pointed the showerhead at the back of my hair. The water was warm and relaxing as it flowed down me.

Once my hair was wet, she turned the shower off and grabbed a bottle of strawberry shampoo. She poured some onto her hand and started to massage it into my hair. I leaned into her touch and sighed contently before she started to rinse it out.

She then brushed conditioner into the ends of my hair. It wasn't as relaxing as the shampoo, but I still enjoyed her touch. She continued to brush my hair for a few minutes as she let the conditioner soak in. After a while she rinsed it out, and kissed the top of my head.

My t-shirt felt heavy with the water it had soaked up, and I thought about taking it off. "If I took my shirt off, can you please not say anything?" I asked her, feeling slightly ridiculous. She agreed immediately and helped me remove it.

She started to gently kiss my shoulders. "Would you like me to wash your body? Or would you rather do it yourself?"

I blinked a few times before responding. "Could you do it?" She nodded and lathered up her hands with peppermint scented shower gel. My brain felt fuzzy at the idea of her hands all over my body, and a faint blush appeared on my cheeks.

She stood behind me and I felt her hands run down my arms and across my stomach. Her hands feel amazing on my body and she touched me so delicately. I almost groaned when she finishes washing me and rinsed off the bubbles, instantly mussing the intimacy of her gentle touch.

She stepped out of the bath and grabbed two blue towels. She wrapprd one around herself and one around me. "What do you usually do with your hair?" She asked as I stepped out of the shower.

"I dry it with a towel and then just let it dry by itself." I explained. "Sometimes I'll do a proper 'curly hair routine' but it turns out fine when I don't so there's no point."

"Alright, I'll let you do that while I have a look for some clothes." She opened up my wardrobe, and picked out a few things that were suitable for a funeral. Most of my clothes were black but I guessed they didn't pass the funeral standards. "How about this?" She held up a simple, black dress with lace sleeves.

"I don't know... I haven't worn a dress in a while." I sat on the bed and watched as she showed me a few different options. Eventually we settled on suit trousers, a short-sleeved, white shirt and a black waistcoat. I also dug in one of my drawers for the maroon bowtie I wore to prom. "I might as well be off to a wedding in that."

"Well, you could wear a black shirt instead of the white one, if you have one." She offered and kept looking through my clothes.

"That makes sense. I think I have one." I stood up and helped her look. After a moment I found my black shirt, and I pulled it off the hanger. "This definitely feels more funeral-ish."

She helped me into it and we went to look in my mirror. There were little pictures of us around the edges, and it made me smile. "You look so handsome, my love." She said. I blushed at her words and leaned back into her. My hair was darker than usual, because of the water, and my brown eyes were still missing their light. I knew it was going to be a while before it came back, but Aislynn was helping me find it.

"You have to get ready too." I mentioned after a while. She nodded and we moved away from the mirror.

Once she was ready, we decided it was best she climbed out the window, just in case, so I held her hands as she carefully manoeuvred herself outside. After she was out, I made my way to the front door.

"Hey, honey..." I heard my dad's voice and turned around to see him stumbling over to me. "Where are you off to?" His voice sounded distant and he slurred over his words. "Mum's funeral." I said. My confusion must have been obvious, and my dad picked up on that. "Oh, April. Your mum died?" He asked, his face twisting with mock concern.

"What? Dad, no. It's me, May." He thought hard for a moment before his face lit up. "Oh! Of course. Have fun." He said. Tears filled my eyes for what must the millionth time of the day, but I ignored them. I had somewhere to be.

I stepped out of the house and went around the side to find Aislynn. She leaned away from the wall as she saw me coming and she walked over to me. "Ready to go?" I asked. I didn't bother telling her what happened with my dad, although that's partly because I didn't know what happened.

"Yeah, let's go." She said, taking my arm in hers as we walked towards the cemetery.