trigger warning: loss, minor self harm references, emetaphobia warning

I hesitated before responding to my dad. "What's up?" He looked up at me and reached for my hands. His skin was cold against mine and it sent a burning sensation through my fingers that eased my nerves. "I don't know how to tell you this." He started, his voice breaking. A few stray tears fell down his cheeks, and he moved his hands to wipe them away.

"Dad, you're scaring me. What is it?" I asked, my voice shaking. He cleared his throat before speaking again. "Your mother was in an accident this morning." His words rang through my ears.

"But she's okay, right?" I said, barely recognising my own voice. I gasped as he shook his head and burst into tears. "I'm so sorry, May, she didn't make it."

I'd never seen my dad this vulnerable before and it broke my heart even more. I pressed my hand into my thigh, the sting grounding me as I brushed over my cuts. I couldn't remember the last time I hugged my dad, but I leaned over and threw myself into his arms. I didn't cry myself, I didn't believe this was real, but he was sobbing and he needed the hug.

My dad stroked my hair as he cried, and we stayed like this for hours. I didn't move until I was sure he had fallen asleep. His breathing was slow and steady, unlike when he was crying and it was fast and choppy. I wriggled my way out of his arms and pulled a blanket over him. He didn't look peaceful as he slept. He looked like he could wake up at any moment and cry for hours all over again. The corner of his eyes shined with the unshed tears that sat there, and I was sure they would fall once he woke up.

I went to the kitchen and poured two glasses of water. I placed one on the coffee table for my dad and stumbled towards my bedroom. My legs felt weak beneath me and I was grateful when Aislynn opened the door and pulled me straight into her arms. I rested my head against her chest and took a deep breath. She smelled like roses, my favourite. She took us over to my bed and sat down on it before allowing me to move into her lap. 

"It's okay to cry." She whispered, planting a kiss on the top of my head. Her reassurance meant the world to me, but I didn't feel the need to cry. I didn't believe this was real.

"Let's get you ready for bed." She said quietly after a few minutes. I nodded in response. My body felt heavy and I was too exhausted to move. She pulled off my leggings and doesn't say anything as she saw my cuts which had broken open slightly at me digging my hands into them through my clothes throughout the day. She grabbed my pyjama bottoms from under my pillow and put them around my ankles. She leant forward and kissed my thighs, which almost pushed me to tears, before she pulled my bottoms up all the way.

"Arms up." She whispered, and I lifted my arms above my head. She pulled off my t-shirt, and I folded my arms across my chest. I was wearing a sports bra, but I still felt exposed even in front of my girlfriend. She helped me put on my oversized t-shirt before pulling me to my feet.

She lead me into the bathroom and made me use the toilet. Once I was finished, she helped me wash my hands. As I did, I made the mistake of looking into the mirror.

My brown, curly hair was flat and frizzy, and my eyes were empty. I didn't feel sad, I didn't really feel anything, but my reflection said otherwise. I looked away as Aislynn gently grasped my chin and turned my head to look at her. She held up my toothbrush to see if I will take it but I didn't. Seeing this, she started to brush my teeth for me.

"Do you need to shower tonight, darling?" She asked once she was finished brushing my teeth. I shook my head, knowing I probably should shower, but also knowing I didn't have the energy. She smiled sadly and lead me back into the bedroom.

"I'm gonna get myself ready, but you get into bed and get comfy." She said as we reached my bed.

My arms were stiff and sore as I lifted the corner of my duvet to slide under it. I slumped into the bed and pull the duvet up to my ear. The soft cotton material was comforting, and I could already feel sleep pulling me in. My eyes were heavy and I was too weak to fight, so I let them close. Just for a moment.

"Mayson Everly."

I stoond and walked up the stairs and onto the stage, my gown flowing around me. I saw teachers I barely knew with proud expressions plastered onto their faces. The teachers I did know held the same expression, but it feels less forced. Some even had tears glazing their eyes.

I stopped in the centre of the stage to shake my principals hand before staring out into the audience for a moment. My dad's words from that morning played through my head. "Look out to the fourth row, two seats in, me and your mother will be there." I counted the rows and found my parents sitting side by side. They beamed at me, but I could see the tears in their eyes that were threatening to fall.

My mum, April, had her phone in hand and I knew she is recording me to share my graduation with her Facebook friends later that night. I left the stage with a big grin on my face and took my seat next to my girlfriend, who wrapped her arms around me in a big hug.

A loud bang startled me, and I turned around to see if something had happened. A car sat in the middle of the hall, a big dent in the front. My mother lay on the floor beside it, her blood trickling past people's feet. Children shrieked and cried all around her, and I stood there. I stared at my mothers body and watched the light leaving her eyes.

Her hand reached out for me, before the car drove forwards again, crushing her.

I bolted upright in bed, my breath coming in short, fast gasps. Aislynn was still asleep beside me, so I stood up quietly and headed out of the room. It was the middle of the night but I needed to get some air, so I put my shoes on and crept outside, carefully avoiding the creeky floorboards.

I started to pace around the block, the dim lighting from the street lights making sure I could see the pavement. I stopped to look before crossing a small road, and walked further up the street. I spotted the car wreck that Aislynn and I saw on the drive home from graduation, and despite my attempted resistance, I headed towards it.

I ducked under the hazard tape that surrounded it and got closer, inspecting the dent in the front of the car. I realised it's the same car from my nightmare, and that explained the randomness of the dream. The mangled bike lay on the floor, and touching the splatters on the ground confirmed that they were, in fact, blood. I was slightly revolted at the idea of touching someone else's blood, so I wiped my hands on the grass.

I used my phone torch to get a closer look at the bike, and I recognised the colour. This was my mothers. I remembered what happened the previous day. But it couldn't be real. Could it? It was just another stupid dream and I was going to wake up soon enough. Maybe I'd redo graduation again, and my parents would actually come this time.

I decided to pinch myself to check. The twinge of pain that shot up my arm confirmed that this wasn't also a dream, and I fell to my knees as it hit me. I'd managed to convince myself that it was another nightmare, but I was pretty sure that I was awake in that moment and that confirmed to me that it wasn't a nightmare.

My mother was gone.

I crawled to the grass as a wave of nausea hit me and I emptied the contents of my stomach onto it. I still didn't cry, but I should have, right? People were supposed to cry when their loved ones died. I thought.

I never asked my dad how she died, but he did say she was in an accident. Did this car hit her? Where was she going? Why was she even cycling? She hadn't cycled in years because she didn't have the energy to do much other than work and then come home.

I heard footsteps behind me, and my heart raced, but I didn't move. I didn't really care if I was about to be murdered, my mum was gone. Not only that, but she'd left me with him. The man who she somehow trusted not to hurt me in the way that he hurt her all these years.

Arms wrapped around me, and I almost let out a scream. The comforting scent of rose invaded my nostrils and I sighed. My breath was shaky, but I felt more at peace than I did before.

"Let's get you home." Aislynn said, pulling me to my feet. I looked back at my mum's bike, and I started to feel sick again. I took a deep breath to force it down, and reluctantly went with her.

I was shivering by the time we got to my house, and I didn't even care that Aislynn was going in the front door, I just wanted to get inside. Inside wasn't much warmer than outside, but the familiarity instantly made me more comfortable.

I boiled the kettle to make us both a cup of tea, before sitting at the kitchen island. The white marble glowed as the moonlight shone through the window, hitting off of it. The kettle broke the silence, but it was still awkward as Aislynn stared at me, concern written all over her face.

"Talk to me, Mayson." She said, never tearing her gaze away from me. I shook my head firmly, not trusting my voice to work. I stood up as the kettle clicked to say it was finished boiling, and started to make our tea.  My hands shook and I dropepd a, thankfully empty, mug. It fell to the floor and I watched as it smashed on the wood.

I benr down and started to pick up the big pieces, but Aislynn stopped me and started to do it herself. I stood back and let her, not trusting myself to do anything else. I wandered into the living room to check on my dad, but I didn't see him curled up on the sofa where I left him. I decided he must have went to bed, and headed back to the kitchen to see Aislynn finishing up making our tea.

I smiled softly at her as she handed me my mug, and started to drink it instantly. "It might be a bit hot..." She said as she noticed me drinking already. I shook my head and continue drinking. The heat burnt my mouth, but at least I could feel something.

A/N: upon editing i thought maybe i should take this quote out but... i cant do that to blake its just so beautiful

and now, a quote from my dear friend bagel. bblaketh

"oh dear, i must admit i am currently experiencing a hearty laughter that my booty is simply going haywire with laughter 😄😄"

thank you all <3