Chapter Notes: Caleb's POV

* * *

- 'Before we lose everything we have tomorrow, can we forget what went wrong yesterday?' -

* * * *

. . ."It's sunrise," I noted, acknowledging the fact that even though my world felt like it was crumbling, the earth was still continuing to spin. "You know what that means?" Seated by her side on the bed and still holding on tightly to Ava-Rain's hand hours later, I lifted it to my lips and pressed a kiss to her fingers.

     Call me crazy. Call it lack of sleep or physical, mental and emotional exhaustion finally catching up to me, but I smiled imagining what type of response Ava-Rain would have given me had she been awake. Something along the lines of, 'That it's way too early for you to be asking me to form any coherent thoughts let alone answer questions?'.

     In reality, it may have been a one sided conversation, but I carried on as if she had actually spoken. "No. It means that, minus this one, there are exactly eight sunrises left until the next full moon. And do you know what that means? It means that the ninth could be the first one we share as true, true mates," I smirked. "What do you think of that?"

     Again, I imagined her response. Imagined her looking away in embarrassment. 'You said that mating on a full moon is tradition, but that it doesn't have to apply to us.'

     "I know I said that tradition doesn't matter; that you and I will make our own rules to live by, but. . .I want forever with you. I want a million more sunrises with you by my side, Ava-Rain. I'm not ready to give you up, so you need to come back to me, okay?"

     The sunlight began to slither into the room, crawling in from the window onto the floor, then up the bed to spread itself over both Ava-Rain and I. Even if I did not want its particular source of warmth, it offered it anyway, almost as if it had known how hard I was refusing to acknowledge that Ava-Rain's body temperature was on the cooler side.

     "Wake up and tell me you want forever with me, too. Tell me that you won't ever leave my side." My eyes drifted over her face, then travelled down her body to settle on the rise and fall of her chest. "Show me that you're not ready to stop living because I can't live without you, Ava-Rain. If you die, I die, remember?"

     I had meant that wholeheartedly. It was not an exaggeration, nor was it an overdramatic statement made to guilt her into waking up if she could even hear me. It was a fact. A promise we made to each other in a moment when we both truly realized just how much we meant to each other.

     Of course, I had seven reasons to live. Seven reasons why giving in to death could never be an option. But if something were to happen to Ava-Rain, there was no doubt in my mind that I would die right along with her. Maybe not literally, but, in some way, shape or form, Caleb Brandt would no longer exist because Caleb Brandt could not exist in a world in which Ava-Rain Tolbert did not.

     "I don't know what's going on inside, or what battle you're fighting. But what I do know is that this is not the end. Not for you. Not for us. This is not how we end. I refuse to let you go, so I really need you to wake up, Ava-Rain. I need you to open your eyes because I'm not done loving you anymore than you're done loving me. I love you, Ava-Rain, and I really, really need to hear you say it back. So, please open your eyes and say it. Tell me."

     She didn't move. Didn't stir in the slightest. But I continued to hold onto her hand and went back to my imagination and imagined what she could not give me.

     I imagined us outside somewhere on the estate, Ava-Rain bathed in sunlight and smiling just as bright as the sun in the distance behind her. Imagined her curls blowing in the morning breeze, her brown eyes staring in my direction and her arm reaching out towards me. I imagined myself reaching out to grab her hand, and just as our fingers intertwine, I pull her against my chest and she says the three words I've been waiting for. Three words that make everything better. That make the world a little less dark.

     'I love you.'

     I smile. Not just in my imagination, but in reality, too. But that smile was short lived.

     Sudden gasps for air forced my eyes open and a quick glance down at Ava-Rain stilled my heart. Her eyes were still closed, but her mouth was open and her chest was moving up and down, not in a calm, rhythmic pattern but in an alarmingly sporadic one because she was having difficulty breathing.

     "Ava-Rain!" For the first time since I initiated the blood bond, I dropped her hand and moved over her. When her head began to turn from one side to the other, I took her face in my hands and tried to hold it still. Her skin was cold and all of the colour in her face was draining rapidly. "Ava-Rain, wake up!" I shook her hard, my panic and fear so strong that either I didn't notice or just didn't care how rough I was being. "Can you hear me? If you can hear me, I need you to wake up! Wake up! Ava-Rain, open your eyes for me!"

     Her gasps continued to fill the air, and the literal sound of her fighting to breathe was heart wrenching. It literally felt like somebody had grabbed hold of my heart and was ripping it apart. And that, mixed with my inability to do anything to help her—to save her—was. . .well, there was no word to describe that sort of pain.

     "Don't you dare. . ." I muttered, shaking her harder as tears clouded my vision. "Don't you dare leave me!" I shouted. Pleaded. Begged. "Not yet. Not like this. . ."

     Her head finally stopped thrashing around. Her entire body stilled and the room filled with an erie silence. Then I heard the worst sound I could ever hear.

     The sound of Ava-Rain breathing her last breath.

     "Caleb."

     I heard the sweetest sound I could ever hear.

     For a couple of seconds, I battled between opening my eyes or keeping them closed. Because I was still in that specific state between unconsciousness and consciousness, I was too afraid to hope that if I opened them, I would see that I had not imagined her voice only to be disappointed to discover what I heard had not, in fact, been real. But I was even more afraid that if I kept them closed and re-entered the realm of dreams, that I would hear her say my name again and that it would only serve as a painful reminder that the only place I might ever hear her speak my name again would be where my imagination laid in wait to torture me.

     But when I felt a warm touch trail along my face, both of those fears had been banished, and opening my eyes had not been a choice but a necessity.

     Smiling, as if she had not just been unconscious for nearly a day, her body laid out next to mine on the bed and her head turned in my direction, Ava-Rain gazed into my eyes. And I knew for certain that those brown eyes had never looked more beautiful to me than they did in that exact moment.

     "Were you having a bad dream?" Her fingers moved from my face to tangle themselves in my hair, a task made easy since my head was already so close to hers.

     I vaguely remembered crawling into bed next to her at some point in the night when merely sitting next to her just had not been enough. It must have been not too long before I fell asleep and dreamt the worst dream I could ever have.

     "You're awake," I lifted my head slightly, taking in the sight of my mate—my living and breathing mate—and committing every detail to memory. From the curve of her soft smile, the vivid glow within the dark pools of her eyes, down to the few loosely fallen curls framing her face while the rest of her hair glowed around her like a halo thanks to the sunlight.

     You came back to me.

     I moved my hand towards her face, needing to touch her. Needing to feel just how real that moment was, how real she was. But, before contact could be made, her hand that had been playing with my hair intercepted it.

     "Is that blood?" She turned my hand over, palm side up. "Why are you bleeding? What happened? Oh, my gosh, what about the pack? And Kasey—"

     "They're fine. I'm fine." The urge to pull my hand out of her grasp was strong; the last thing I wanted was for her to worry. But the feel of her touch was too damned good to give up, so I let her continue with her inspection.

     "I know Caleb language well enough to know that you say that specifically when you don't want me to worry."

     I smiled. "And when it just so happens to be the truth."

     She looked at me, and although she tried hard to fight it, a barely there smile managed to escape. "It looks like it stopped," she concluded. "It's mostly dried blood. You must have started healing—"

     I watched as her attention was pulled from my hand onto her own. Her brows furrowed in confusion and her mouth parted slightly but no words came out as her eyes flickered back and forth between the matching cuts that marred both of our palms.

     Donning 'couple scars' was not something to be checked off on some stupid 'couple goals' list, but I would have only been lying if I said that the sight of them hadn't sparked a sense of pride inside of me. The cuts were more than just a last ditch effort to save my mate; they were our marks on each other that proved, without a shadow of a doubt, that Ava-Rain and I were made for each other. And as the days and nights drew on, as our cuts healed and eventually faded to the point where they no longer existed, our mark on each other would forever live on. As true mates and two halves of one soul, we would always be bound to each other.

     Ava-Rain's gaze lifted and met mine, and there had been so many questions swimming in her eyes. "What happened?"

     "What do you remember?"

     As she tried to recall the previous day's events, her head turned to the side which turned her face away from me. I knew it hadn't been intentional, but I wasn't willing to sacrifice even a couple of seconds without being able to look at her face. So, my hand found its way to her cheek, and I gently coerced her head back to its previous place, inches away from my own.

     "I remember being out in the woods with you."

     "And do you remember why we were out there?"

     She nodded. "I was going to leave." Again, her head started to turn, and I knew that time it had been done intentionally. But just as I hadn't allowed it before, the second time had been no different.

     It was impossible for me to forget what happened out in the woods. Impossible to forget that Ava-Rain had been minutes away from leaving me before the ambush, and that it would have been one of the hardest and most painful things that I ever had to endure. But I understood why and how she reached the point where walking away from me and the pack seemed like her only choice. I understood because I loved her. Understood that it was that love that had been hurting her.

     "And then," my thumb rubbed along her cheek, not only to prompt her to continue, but to assure her that it was okay. That I was okay.

     "And then the pure bloods came. Two of them. You told me to run," her eyes lowered and her voice softened, "you made me leave you. So, I ran, but there was a third wolf and—" She paused. "Oh, my gosh," she whispered before looking up at me.

     "What? What is it? What's the matter?"

     "Caleb, oh, my gosh!" She quickly sat up and pushed the sheets off of her body.

     If I had not just spent nearly a full twenty-four hours going insane and feeling like a failure because I could not help my mate when she needed me the most, I might have had a different reaction to her sudden reaction. One in which my heart was not beating a mile a minute, and fear and worry was not spreading though my body like wildfire. One in which my wolf was not ready to forcefully take the reins and tuck Ava-Rain in its protective embrace to shield her from anything that would and could cause her distress.

     But because I had, in fact, spent nearly twenty-four hours going insane; because I had sat helplessly by her side, unable to do anything but beg her not to leave me, those were the exact reactions I had. The reactions I would always have when it came to Ava-Rain.

     I, too, sat up just as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed. "Ava-Rain, take it easy. You've been unconscious for nearly a day—"

    "I've been what?" That got her to stop. She twisted her head back around to look at me with widened eyes.

     Her surprise provided me with the perfect opportunity to crawl across the bed to her side, but instead of taking a seat next to her, I got off of the bed and hunched down in front of her.

     As expected of someone who had just found out that they had lost a big chunk of time, Ava-Rain began to quietly panic. She didn't speak, but confusion was written as clear as day all over her face, and her breathing became slightly elevated. Not alarmingly so, but enough to remind me of my earlier dream.

     "Look at me," both of my hands reached out and cupped her face, and I didn't have to wait long until her eyes found mine. "That's right. Just look at me and relax, okay? Deep breaths."

     She nodded as she placed her hands on top of mine and took long, deep breaths.

     "Now," I started when her breathing began to return to normal, "what's the last thing that you remember?"

     Ava-Rain tried to look away, but, because my hands still held her head in place, there were very few places for her eyes to settle. Despite her limited options, she settled on my lips, which could have only meant that her answer was one that I was not going to like in the slightest if she couldn't even look me in the eyes to deliver it. "Doing something that you wouldn't have liked."

     I smirked. "I learned a long time ago how to live with things that I don't like."

     Hell, I currently had two pains in my ass named Angelie and Kasey—neither of whom I could get rid of even if I wanted to. One couldn't be trusted but still held a minuscule place in my heart, while the other meant the world to Ava-Rain and was my beta's tragic as hell gift from Luna.

     "So, even if I don't like it, I love you." As I had hoped, she finally looked up. "For example, you know what I remember from being out there yesterday? After I told you to run because I didn't want to run the risk of you seeing something that could never be unseen? When I figured out that there had been a third, I remember fighting with one of those pure bloods, having him beneath me as I was preparing to go in for the kill, and stopping right at the last second because I felt an overwhelming sense of peace fill my entire body. The moment you gave up, when you accepted that you were going to die, I felt it, Ava-Rain. And that had to have been one of the worst feelings I have ever felt."

     "Caleb. . ."

     "Why?" I dropped my hands from her face, forcing hers, which had still been on top of mine, to fall to her lap.

     "Why?" Although she tried to hide it, her disbelief at how I could ever ask such a question was evident. "Because I remember not being able to feel you and I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know if you were shutting me out or if it meant something worse. I didn't know and that terrified me. Not the pure blood, but the thought that something might have happened to you scared me more than death ever could. So I did the only thing that I could think to do and that was to beg that wolf to spare your life. Please don't try and make me feel bad for wanting to give up my life for yours. If it comes down to it, that will always be a choice I'll be willing to make, Caleb."

     "I know."

     If only she knew just how hard it was for me to say those two words. Every fibre of my being had been wired to reject that statement. Not just as an alpha, or as a wolf or as her mate, but as a man who deeply loved his woman.

     Everything in me wanted to tell her that the only person allowed to die was me because she had too much life still left to live, and a mark she still had to leave on this world. But this discussion wasn't meant to be turned into argument, nor a platform for me to try and one up her. I could not force Ava-Rain into a role that she did not want nor wish to play, then, later, call her out on her performance not being believable enough.

     That's not how a partnership worked, and if Ava-Rain and I had any hope of surviving—not just life but this relationship, as well—we both had to accept and come to terms with things that we may not like. I couldn't ask anything of her that I wasn't willing to allow her to ask of me.

     "And, like I said, even if I don't like it," I placed my hands on her lap, on top of her own, "I love you. And I don't think you'll ever truly know just how much."

     "Ditto," she smiled.

     I picked her hands up and placed them around my neck. And, like they always did, her fingers began to thread through my hair. "Now, is that the thing you thought I wouldn't like? If so, consider it water under the bridge and—"

     She shook her head. "That wasn't it."

     My eyes narrowed in on hers and a deep sigh escaped my lips. "Am I going to have to sit down for this?"

     "Possibly. No, you definitely will."

     "Fine," I chuckled. "Come here." I lowered from my haunches to a seated position in front of her. She quickly joined me on the floor and knelt in between my legs, her arms still around my neck, her fingers still playing with my hair. "Tell me."

     "Okay. Well, this might sound a little crazy, or, actually, a lot crazy, but I don't think the pure blood wanted to hurt me. I mean, I know that's not what it came here for."

     Pre-twenty-four hours ago Caleb probably would have rolled his eyes while his wolf scoffed. But twenty-fours was a damned long time, more than enough to dwell on certain things like what had gone down in the woods with the pure bloods. It hadn't been lost on me that if the two wolves wanted to, in fact, kill me, they very well could have. And the moment I spoke of when I had gained the upper hand on one of them was an opportunity that had come far too easily.

     "And how, pray tell, did you come to that conclusion exactly?"

     "Because I might have. . .sort of. . .kind of. . ."

     "Spit it out, Ava-Rain," I urged, the suspense doing more than just killing me. It was allowing the blue and the yellow to partner up and wreak havoc.

     Her fingers stilled in my hair and she buried her face in my neck, probably to muffle her following words. ". . .allowed him inside of my head so that I could see inside of his."

     I couldn't have possibly heard that right.

"You did what? I'm sorry, but did you forget what happened the last time that piece of shit entered your head? Because I remember you getting stuck with a bunch of memories that almost turned you into a vegetable."

     "Well, technically," she pulled her had back enough to look up at me, "my mind almost malfunctioned because we made Angelie enter it so that we could figure out who the wolf was. . ."

     "I don't care. And I didn't save you only for you to willingly have some more memories planted inside of that already fragile mind of yours."

     "Well, technically, my fragile mind is the result of me being a human and not the wolf's fault, so. . ."

     "Ava-Rain, I love you. I really do. But if you start one more sentence with 'well, technically,' in order to defend that pure blood, I think I might—"

     "I'm sorry," she slid one hand from the back of my head to my cheek. "You're right, I'm sorry. I mean, he actually did try and kill me once."

    'So good of you to remember', I thought. "And for all we know, he realized the mistake he made by transferring his memories into your head and wanted to try and kill you a second time in case you figured out who he was."

     "But, that's the thing. I remember the memory. It's not a jumbled mess like the first time, and I think it's because it was given voluntarily. He wanted me to see something inside of his head. It was a message that he couldn't risk delivering in human form."

     "Yeah? And what was the message?"

     "It's a place that he knew I would know. Actually, a place that only Kasey and I know about. A house."

     "A house? What house? Who's house?"

     "If I tell you," she stalled, "you promise you won't get mad and round up the boys to go on some guns-blazing, kill mission?"

     I was almost offended. Almost.

     "We're wolves. We don't need guns."

     She didn't respond, only continued to hold my gaze until I gave her what she so obviously and desperately wanted for reasons still unknown.

     "You can't ask me to make that promise, Ava-Rain. You know that I can't. When it comes to you and your safety, whether you like it or not, I'll always do what needs to be done."

     Ava-Rain leaned in until our foreheads touched. "I know."

     "Who's house, Ava-Rain?"

     It took her a few seconds, but, with no other choice and no time left for her to use to delay the inevitable, she whispered a name that I never expected to hear slip past her lips.

     "Are you sure?" I was hit with much more than just shock.

     She nodded. "I'm sure."

     "Absolutely sure, Ava-Rain?"

     "Positive."

     "And you don't think that this is what he wanted you to see? To believe? You don't think that this could be some sort of trick?"

     Sadness quickly invaded her eyes, but she was determined to maintain our eye contact. "I don't know what to believe anymore, Caleb."

     That.

That was the reason why I never wanted Ava-Rain in this life. In my life. Because I knew that the moment I let her in, the moment that I accepted her, would be the moment that I took everything away from her: the innocence that kept her untouched and unscathed; the ignorance that left her in a constant state of bliss. I plucked her from a black and white reality and tossed her into a dark, twisted, ugly and complicated world full of grey.

     A world full of doubt and uncertainty that lurked around every corner. A world that contained entirely different perceptions, perspectives, and definitions of good and bad, right and wrong. I fell in love with a human and it had been my need for her, my refusal to be without her, that had forced her into a world that would challenge her and expect her to be more than what she was. To do more than what she was capable of doing.

     But, even if I could, I wouldn't have turned back the hands of time. The only way that I saw fit as to how I could ever make it up to Ava-Rain for bringing her into this world was to never give her a reason to doubt herself. To never allow her to feel like her humanity was a weakness. To never let a day go by without reminding her that this world may have been governed by the moon, but she would always be the light of my universe.

     "You listen to me, and you listen good, Ava-Rain Tolbert." My arms wrapped around her waist and I held her closer. Held her tight. "You believe that I love you?"

     "Of course."

     "Enough to kill for you?"

     "Yes."

     "Enough to die for you?"

     "Yes."

     "Enough to die by your hand if it came to it?"

     Her eyes widened and I could see all of her protests trampling over each other in their race to be heard. "Caleb, I could never—"

     "Enough to die by your hand if it came to it?" I repeated.

     It took her a second. Her eyes drifted back and forth between my own, as if she had been searching for some sort of sign that I couldn't have possibly been serious. But when her arms tightened around my neck and she released a sigh of defeat, I knew that she had thrown in the towel. "Yes," she whispered.

     "Then make the call. Trust your gut, trust your instincts, and make the call."

     Lead.

     "But—"

     "No 'buts', Ava-Rain. Measure out your options, assess the risks and tell me what you decide because the only way we're going to handle this is how you see fit. Understand?"

    "Okay." Although she agreed, uncertainly was still very evident in her voice.

     For the next few minutes, silence filled the room but my eyes never left Ava-Rain. They watched as she engaged in an internal battle with her thoughts and her feelings. Watched as she came to conclusion after conclusion, only to be overthrown each time with a doubt or a question that made her rethink everything and start the battle all over. But the wheels eventually slowed down, and stopped spinning entirely when her lips parted, her eyes found mine once more, and she told me what she wanted to do.

Like the alpha female she was always meant to be.