Chapter Notes: Caleb's POV

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- 'Break away from everybody, break away from everything. . .' -

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"Well, now I'm starting to think that 'rejecting your mate' must be some continuous theme in this pack."

I knew that it wasn't Ava-Rain's intention to hurt me by making such a statement, but her words sure as hell didn't care about my feelings when they targeted me directly in the centre of my chest.

We had come a long way since the first time we met, and I had come to terms with never being able to completely forgive myself for walking away from her. But, even if it had only been meant as a joke on her part, a part of me couldn't help but wonder if I would ever truly be able to mend the wound inside of her that my rejection had caused.

My hold on her loosened ever so slightly, but I had only been kidding myself to think that Ava-Rain wouldn't have noticed.

She turned around in my arms and the smile she wore on her lips quickly faded once her eyes scanned over my now humourless face. "Caleb, I didn't mean anything by that."

'It's okay,' and 'Don't worry about it,' drifted through my mind. Answers that I normally would have said in an automatic reflex of a response to absolve my mate of any guilt that plagued her. But, stronger than my urge to assure Ava-Rain that I had not been offended was the actual feeling of offense. Offense that had not entirely been her doing nor inflicted by her hand, but by my own. I was offended by the fact that I had, at some point, convinced myself that accepting and loving Ava-Rain would make up for that stupid choice I had made all those weeks ago in that stupid club.

Once she realized that I wasn't going to give her the answer she was probably hoping for, Ava-Rain lowered her gaze to Kasey's weapon in her hands. "I thought that hunters and wolves can't be—"

"They can't," was my quick reply. Chalk it up to being thankful for the subject change.

"Then," she looked up at me, "are you absolutely and positively sure that what we just witnessed really was—"

"It was."

Anybody that knew Kane knew that he ran away from no man and, especially, no woman. Especially not a hunter. So, there could have only been one reason fuelling his desire to put as much space as possible between himself and Kasey.

"But—"

"Possibilities," I slid one hand from her waist only to pull the bow from her hands, "are bred from impossibilities. Or have you forgotten to whom you're mated?" I smirked after reminding her that this world wasn't always so black and white. "How do you feel about this, Ava-Rain?"

"Me?"

Her eyes widened, but I knew the reaction wasn't because my question had caught her off guard. Ava-Rain's reaction was a result of being placed in a situation in which she had no choice but to voice her feelings. To allow herself to be open, which wasn't something that easily came to her after spending nearly her entire life keeping her emotions bottled up. We both had breakthroughs every now and again, but I knew just as well as she did that while some old habits died hard, others were just terrible little bastards that absolutely refused to die.

I nodded, lowering my head and pressing my forehead against hers when her arms wrapped around my neck. I would have been lying if I said that both my wolf and I hadn't silently rejoiced over her choice to give in rather than pull away. It was probably—no, definitely—selfish of me to want from her what I had been so entirely reluctant to offer mere seconds prior—honesty by revealing my current feelings and thoughts—but I would never pretend nor act like I wasn't above playing dirty. Not after the night that both Ava-Rain and I had and the literal havoc we barely escaped inside of her head.

"Tell me."

"Honestly? I. . .I don't—"

The sound of an engine roaring to life interrupted us, causing Ava-Rain's hold to loosen and my head to turn in the direction of Kane's car.

If one did not know Kane like I knew him—not as an alpha but as a brother—they probably would have assumed that he was being overdramatic. If they had not known nor lived his life, they probably would have rationalized that there were worse things that could happen in life than being mated to a human. A hunter. But I knew everything about my beta. Every secret. Every truth. Everything that made him angry and the few things that made him happy. But, most importantly as it related to this current situation, I knew his fears.

I knew that he would do anything and everything to put as much distance as he could between himself and those fears. Especially if one of them happened to be manifested into Luna's greatest gift in the form of a tall brunette with piercing blue eyes and a fierce love that burned inside of her for those she cared deeply for.

"It's okay," Ava-Rain said softly, pulling my attention back towards her. "You go and handle Kane and I'll go and find Kasey." She smiled, though avoided looking at me as she slid her arms from around my neck and took the bow from my hand.

"Just give us a couple of minutes. Let me calm him down, remind him what we came here for and we'll both meet you and the Hellands inside, okay?"

"Okay," she agreed, still refusing to spare me even a millisecond of eye contact, and turned to walk away.

But I only allowed her a few feet or so of a retreat before calling out to her. "Hey!" I waited for Ava-Rain to stop and turn back around to face me once more. "Come here."

Despite this awkward 'thing' that was going on between us—her whole change in demeanor being an obvious reaction to my evasiveness to her earlier statement—none of that seemed to have changed the fact that no matter what sort of command I threw her way, Ava-Rain was my alpha and commanded my heart. So, instead of waiting for her to come back as instructed, like the damned fool in love that I was, I closed the short distance between us before she could even take a step, took her face in my hands and claimed her lips.

Twenty percent of that kiss was a, 'Please, forgive me'. Another twenty percent an, 'I'm sorry'. And the remaining sixty percent was an, 'I love you'. I ended it sooner than I would have liked, but was content in knowing that, short as it was, it had been enough to convey everything I would have failed at trying to put into words.

Ava-Rain's eyes were slow to open, but once they did, the brown orbs were glowing with the forgiveness I sought and brightened by the love she harboured for me. But there was also something more. Something she normally would have tried to keep hidden but, in that moment, had not bothered to make such an attempt.

I dropped my hands from her face and, without a single word passing between us, we both turned and walked away from each other to deal with our respective best friends. Once I reached Kane's car, I headed straight over to the driver's side and opened the door. Instead of looking at me, my beta kept his hands firmly planted on the steering wheel while his gaze remained focused on the pitch black darkness down the road.

"Turn off the car, Kane."

His grip on the wheel only tightened as he shook his head in defiance. "I can't stay here, Caleb. You know that I can't, so, please, don't make me."

Upon hearing a very specific tone in my beta's voice that I had not heard in a very long time, I knew better than to reprimand him in that moment; neither my wolf nor I felt his response—or lack thereof—as a challenge against our authority because it wasn't us that Kane and his wolf were fighting, but their own inner demons.

After releasing a deep sigh, I closed the car door before rounding the car to the passenger's side and getting in. "Talk to me when—"

"Caleb," he protested, "you don't have to do this—"

"When you're ready," I cut him off as I stretched over the console to cut the engine, "you talk to me." Pulling the keys from the ignition, I pocketed them before returning to a proper seated position.

Kane's sigh of defeat was the only response he was brave enough to show, even though it was obvious that his anger was undoubtedly tearing him apart inside. I wouldn't have even held it against him if he had let it out and directed it towards me, but he had not. And because I was no stranger to that specific emotion, because I knew just how temperamental it was, I knew that that could end up being either a good thing or a bad thing.

I couldn't tell you exactly how long we sat in the silent car. It could have been twenty minutes. Maybe even a half hour. But what I could tell you was that every minute that ticked by was another a minute in which I was deprived of being with my mate. That every second that passed only further delayed the explanation we had come to the Helland's family cottage for. Though, every minute that seemed was being wasted was, in actuality, being used by Kane, who so desperately needed every millisecond.

Being away from Ava-Rain meant that I could be there for Kane. Putting off the explanation that would have told us why the Hellands were starring in a pure blood's memory made room for Kane, my brother who would sooner die than talk about his feelings, to gather the courage to explain—though I already knew his reasons—why rejecting his true mate was not a choice but his only option.

"You know why I can't." Kane's voice had a slight raspiness to it, though whether it was because he had not spoken for so long or an indication of the pain he was trying to conceal was unclear. "Better than anybody else in this world, you know why, Caleb."

I turned my head in his direction as he slid his hands from the steering wheel and placed them on his lap. "I do."

"The night you met Ava-Rain. . .I said some pretty messed up things to you. Gave you crap about being weakened by her because she was a human. Stuff that shouldn't have been said considering everything that happened with. . .Emmy Grace." He lifted his head and looked at me. "A stupid joke I made out of fear of being sentenced to a similar fate. Only the jokes on me now, isn't it?" He smiled, though it did not reach his eyes. "And to a God-damned hunter, no less." He ran a hand through his hair and threw his head back against the headrest as his gaze returned to the darkness straight ahead of us. "Yeah, I heard that part, by the way."

In turn, I followed suit and leaned my head back against the seat and relocated my own gaze outside. "'There is love in cruelty. And if our Goddess does not display the latter. . .'"

"'. . .how could we ever come to know just how much she truly loves us?'" Kane finished the familiar lesson all wolves were taught about Luna's love for her children not having any bounds. "Well, damn. I'm starting to wonder what would happen if Luna hated me."

"Probably mate you to a pure blood?" I smirked.

"Bite your damned tongue! I don't think the world needs more 'Angelie's'—oh, sorry, 'heirs of the three'—running around."

Though I probably shouldn't have, I laughed. Shouldn't have because Angelie was a wolf that I once loved just as much as my brothers, but I did because the thought of Kane fathering his own 'Angelie' was comical. Utterly terrifying, but comical. "You do know that she's not the only heir of the three out there. There's no way that she sets the precedent for her kind."

"I'm already too far past convinced that just having a drop of pure blood running through your veins automatically makes you crazy. We both have seen too much messed up stuff to think any differently. It's just a matter of when that crazy decides to come out."

The atmosphere in the car instantly changed, though it wasn't drastic. It had already been a couple of miles past somber, and just decided to take a quick left onto a darkened road that Kane—my reckless and daring beta—would have no choice but to proceed along with caution. However, the slight mood change forced me to look at Kane, and I wasn't too surprised to find that he was already looking back at me.

I don't want to say that the sadness in his eyes was some sort of reflection that he had found himself lost in his emotions. Lost would have implied that he didn't know which direction to take to lead him back to where he needed to be—his safe place—and what he needed to feel—indifferent. And it would have been foolish of me to take the confusion on his face as a sign that he was struggling between knowing whether or not he should do what was right or do what was wrong. The fact that we were currently sitting in his car was proof enough that there was no such struggle because, for Kane, the wrong decision would always equal the right outcome.

The sadness he carried was for me. The confusion was not over his current situation, but over my own. Without having to say the words, Kane's gaze and our relationship was enough to convey what his position would not permit him to ask: 'Why did you accept Ava-Rain as your mate?'. 'How could you bring her into this world?'. And, the most important one of all, 'How could you allow another human to get close?'.

"How did you do it?" Kane broke the brief silence. "How did you walk away from her the first time?"

"Does it matter much at this point?" I smiled, though we both know that I didn't mean it.

"It matters. It matters if. . .if you think you might have to do it again one day."

After Kane's released those words, my gaze felt compelled to look elsewhere. So I turned my head to the side and looked out of the passenger's side window towards the cottage. Towards one of the safest place my mate could be right now. "I won't. I. . .I can't," I shook my head.

"You think that I want to? I don't, Caleb. I wish that I couldn't walk away, but I can. I will. I have to."

I knew it wasn't his intention—the red could be sneaky when it needed to be—but Kane's desire to make me accept his choice, his unwavering strength to make it and the desperation in his voice, was, inadvertently, mocking me. Judging me. Not because it wanted to ridicule me, but because it wanted my help. It wanted me by its side. It wanted me to do what I was born to do.

Lead.

It wanted me to lead it, and it wanted me to do so, not just figuratively but literally.

My wolf, though currently quiet in its cage, could feel his brother's anguish and despair. He knew what Kane needed; it was his job to protect the well-being of every member of his pack through any means necessary. But he also knew what it would cost in order to help his brother, and it was a price that he wasn't entirely sure that he could pay.

"You don't," I countered. Tried to reason. But as much as I wanted to say that it was only meant for Kane, a part of me knew that I had said it as a reminder to myself. As if the more I reminded myself that I didn't have to walk away from Ava-Rain, the easier it would be to ignore the internal struggle that had been brewing from the moment I accepted her in my world.

"Look," I turned to look at him, "there's a reason why Luna didn't grant you Kasey that night of the twins' birthday. A reason why she chose now, Kane. I know better than to ask if you're even the slightest bit curious as to why, but don't tell me that you'd be content with never putting in the effort to find out what that reason is."

Instead of a quick response, Kane remained silent. At first, I thought it was because he was actually contemplating over what I had just said. But when his eyes bypassed me to settle somewhere else, and when my own tracked his line of sight, the real reason for his silence was made clear.

Both Ava-Rain and Kasey were standing outside of the cottage, both of their gazes in our direction. My mate was still holding on to Kasey's bow, which caused me to smile because I was willing to bet that she had refused to give it back for Kane's sake. But that smile quickly spread out into a thin line when Kane spoke.

"When you look at her," he paused but only for a few seconds, "when you look at Ava-Rain, what do you see?"

"I see. . .my beginning and my end. I see meaning and purpose. Hope. Love. Forgiveness. Salvation." Painfully, I dragged my gaze away from my mate and, once again, looked at Kane. "I see everything that I've done wrong and everything that I've done right. Mistakes I've made and mistakes I have yet to make. The good I've done and the good still yet to come. I see my every flaw. My strengths. My weaknesses.

"Ava-Rain is. . .she's more than just a part of me, Kane. She is me. I was born, learned to talk, to walk, to shift, grew and matured, but I did not exist until the very moment I laid eyes on her. 'Two halves of one soul' is what they say about true mates, right? Well, when I look at her, when I really look at her, that's exactly what I see. And it's the most terrifying thing to witness, but I can't look away. And I don't think I'll ever want to."

Kane nodded his head before lowering his gaze, but not before I saw the glimmer of defeat within them. Defeat, because I had not given him the answer that he needed. Turning in his seat, he rested his head back against the seat and, just as he had done before, looked out into the darkened road ahead.

"Well, I don't want to see that when I look at Kasey. I don't want the mere sound of her voice to have me buckling at the knees. I don't want to know how soft her skin feels, nor do I want to know the taste of her lips. I don't ever want to hear my name slip past those lips. I don't want to feel the warmth of her body pressed against mine. And, most of all, I don't ever want to stare into her blue eyes and see myself within them because we both know that my reflection will only be a lie. Nothing more than a pretty vessel encasing nothing but darkness inside. And any mate of mine deserves better than that. Deserves more than that."

It was hard not to notice that the defeat within him was no longer limited to jut his eyes, but had found its way in his voice. Playing him like a puppet.

"So what are you saying, Kane? Kasey is Ava-Rain's best friend. You rejecting her isn't going to change that fact. You're still going to have to see her. Talk to her. Be around her—" I immediately stopped with my final pitch to make him see reason, not because I could see how little of an effect my words were having on my beta but because it was only then that I realized rejecting Kasey wasn't the only decision that Kane had made.

A realization that only one who knew Kane better than anybody else ever could would see: that he was ready and willing to walk away from the pack—his family—so that I wouldn't have to walk away from Ava-Rain or ask her to walk away from her best friend and her family.

"If it comes down to it, Caleb, I'll make the choice. I'll make it so that you won't have to."

My heart sank. My head felt like it had just taken a deadly blow.

     What the hell did he just say to me?

     "Kane, no," I commanded, hoping to shut down the ridiculous thoughts running through his head. "Like hell you're walking away from this pack. From your brothers. From me."

     "I can't stay—"

     "Look at me." I waited for him to do as he was told, but Kane only kept his eyes on the damned road. "Look at me, Kane!"

     He finally obeyed my command, though it was obvious he had done it reluctantly.

     "You will stay and we'll figure something out—"

     "You can't ask that of me, Caleb. You can't ask that of me any more than you can ask Ava-Rain to walk away from those people down there."

     "Like hell I can't! Am I not your alpha? Did you not swear an oath that you were with me even in death, just like Chase, Harrison, Stryder, Tommy, Rickon and Declan did? Tell me, can you walk away from them—the brothers who you also swore to protect—just as easily?"

     Just as expected, just as I had hoped, anger was slowly but surely beginning to brew inside of Kane. I could see it in the way his jaw was clenched. Could see it in his eyes and in the rapid rise and fall of his chest.

     'Good', I thought.

     Because an angry Kane was a far better sight than an emotionless Kane. I knew how to deal with an angry Kane because, more often than not, an angry Kane was a hurt Kane. And I knew hurt all too well. So well that, I was certain that by the time this conversation was forced to come to an end, both of us would have ended up saying things out of hurt. Things that needed to be said but could only be said out of hurt.

     "Was it all just a lie? To me. To them. Are you a liar Kane?" I egged him on. "If so," I dug his car keys out of my pocket and slammed them down on the dashboard, "then, by all means, go. There's no place for liars in this pack."

     I got out of the car and slammed the door shut behind me. Ava-Rain and Kasey were still standing in the same spot in front of the cottage and still looking towards us. But as much as I wanted to go over there, the sound of Kane's car door opening then closing kept me rooted in place. Not only because I knew that I had to deal with the current Kane situation, but because, in that moment, I was shown—in an entirely messed up way—that I would always be stuck in the middle. Pulled in one direction by my mate and in the opposite direction by my pack.

     "That's rich coming from you," Kane's voice sliced through the night air.

     Turning around, I watched him round the car to meet me where I stood. Even in anger, Kane knew better than to display any signs of a challenge, so I wasn't surprised when he kept a good couple of feet between us. "And what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

     "Are you asking me as my brother or as my alpha?" He crossed his arms, his intense eyes staring directly into mine.

     The chains that kept my wolf locked up rattled slightly; he could sense the rift in the air with his brother. He knew it would have been premature of him to be alarmed, but not entirely overcautious to be on alert. "Am I not both?"

     He scoffed and shook his head, rejecting my answer. "Look, call me a liar all you want, Caleb," he turned to walk away, "but yellow recognizes yellow."

     "If you've got something to say, say it," I called after him. Went after him. But I already knew exactly what he was getting at. Knew exactly what he meant by his referral to the yellow.

     Along with fire, Kane was an heir of air, the element associated with thoughts. He may not have had Angelie's abilities, but he knew me well enough—through the element we both shared—to know when certain thoughts roamed through my mind.

     He only continued to shake his head in deflection of my question, so I followed him to the driver's side door, closing it immediately after he opened it.

     "I asked you a question," I said, not bothering to hide by irritation over his refusal to turn around and face me. "Are you calling me a liar, Kane?"

     His body straightened before he turned his head to the side to respond. "I'm saying that you calling me a liar makes it easier for you to hide from the fact that you're one, too. Am I right?"

     "I've never lied to you or to anybody else in this pack—"

     "You're right," he cut me off and finally turned around. "You only lied to yourself, didn't you?"

     I was certain the colour must have drained from my face after he said that. "Don't go there," I warned. "Don't you dare go there, Kane."

     He glanced down at my balled up hands for only a second before he returned his eyes to mine. "You were willing to live a lie for the rest of your life with Emmy Grace, weren't you? Somebody who wasn't even your true mate. Somebody who had no place in the pack. Some girl you asked us all to risk our safety for, and we did! Asked us to jeopardize our duty to protect you, and we did! Some girl you asked us to love, and we did!"

     The chain was more than just rattling then, my wolf far past alert. Just like Kane, he was angry. But it wasn't hurt that he was trying to conceal. It was hurt—my own hurt—that he was trying to protect me from. And he was willing to claw his way out of his cage to do so.

     The old Caleb would have let him out. That Caleb would have given him everything he wanted just to avoid feeling that crippling pain, even if only for a couple of hours. But I wasn't—I couldn't be that Caleb anymore. Not when it was so clear now that all of the time I spent being him was the reason that Kane—and I assume the rest of the pack, as well—had kept all of these emotions bottled up in the first place.

     "And you think that you can help me? Caleb, you couldn't even help yourself after she died. You never mourned Emmy Grace. You never let us mourn her. The girl you made us love. The girl you were willing to live a lie with. So we sucked it up and moved on because that was what you needed and we'd do anything for you. Without question, without a second thought or a moment of hesitation. We'd do anything you asked."

     "Then this is me asking you not to leave. This is me asking you not to walk out on your family just because you don't want to accept your mate—"

     "Oh, my God!" He ran a hand through his hair in frustration before brushing past me. "Do you really think that this is only about Kasey? That I'm willing to walk away from the pack just to avoid her?"

     "Well, when you make rash decisions like walking out on the pack less than an hour after you've been given your mate," I turned around to face him, "what else am I suppose to think, Kane?"

     Kane was full of demons that he felt he would never be able to shake. Haunted by a past that he would never want revealed, especially not to his mate. And, from personal experience, I knew just how far one would go to prevent their past from ruining their future.

     He released a deep sigh, not out of anger or irritation but out of pain. "I know you better than anybody else in this world, Caleb. I know what you can and what you can't do. What you're willing and not willing to do. I know that deep down you know that you should have stayed away from Ava-Rain in that club. I know that you love her with everything that you are, and because of that love you know that you'll always put her in danger by refusing to live without her. I know that you'll never ask Ava-Rain to choose between them or us because you'll always believe that there can be a balance."

     "There can be a balance," I argued. "If not, then what the hell are mixed bloods fighting for? If not, then what's to stop us from becoming as monstrous as the pure bloods? If not, then what did I spend my entire life fighting against my nature for if not for balance?"

     He knew what my life had been like. Knew what I had gone through, the pain—physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually—that I had endured in the name of balance. Balance was the reason that I was still standing. Still alive. Without my belief that there could be balance in all things, I would have no hope. And without hope, I feared what I could become—what I could do—if all four elements inside of me became unbalanced.

     There was a brief moment of silence that passed between us. Kane didn't have to be a mind reader to realize how unfair I thought his last statement had been, and when he diverted his gaze down to the dirt road, it was obvious that he regretted what he said. "I may not know what it feels like to be an heir of the four, but I do know what carrying that burden looks like. Every time I looked at you, I saw how it broke you. How it used you. How it haunted you to the point where you couldn't sleep for days, and sucked out every bit of happiness you dared to feel. I saw how it pushed you to be better, to be stronger, and I saw how afraid it made you when you couldn't control it.

     "And Ava-Rain turned all of that bad into something good. Emmy Grace wasn't able to do that. We couldn't even do that. And I would rather give up the chance at happiness with my mate, give up my chance at being mended in the way that Ava-Rain mended you, than risk you losing yours. Sooner give mine up so that you won't have to give up yours. So that I never have to see that Caleb I grew up with again. Because that is what it will come to if I don't."

     "I would never ask you to give her up. Kane, never."

     "I know." I didn't think it was possible given everything that had just transpired between us, but Kane smiled. And it was genuine, which only made this goodbye of his that much harder to accept. "But as your beta, it's not only my job to do everything you ask, but also everything that you won't ask me to do."

     I shook my head, not in protest, not even entirely in defeat. I think it might have been because I knew that I was going to have to make a choice, one that I didn't want to make. One that I never thought I would have to make.

     "Release me, Caleb."

     "No," I continued to shake my head. "We need to discuss this as a pack. Before anything's decided, we all need to talk."

     "There's nothing to talk about. If I let Kasey in, I'm breaking every promise that I made and every oath that I swore to you. She may be my mate, but she's also a hunter. And what do you think will happen once her family finds out about Emmy Grace? About you? It'll mean that the pure bloods and The Council won't be the only threats that we'll have to worry about."

     "You don't know that, Kane."

     "I don't? Hunters have one God-damned motto in life: 'maintain the balance between the worlds'. What do you think they'll do when they learn the truth?"

     "Caleb?"

     Both mine and Kane's attention were pulled towards Ava-Rain, who was standing in front of Kane's car.

     "The Hellands are all inside waiting. Are you guys coming?"

     And I guess because once wasn't already enough, fate decided to intervene yet again and place me in the middle of my mate and my pack. And, again, it expected me to make a choice between the two:

     Stay at the Helland's cottage with my mate.

     Or leave her, and try and prevent my pack from falling apart.