Chapter Notes: Ava-Rain's POV

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- 'And as you showed me your scars, I only held you closer.' -

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I was startled awake and my eyes forced open when the uninvited images taking up residency inside of my head proved too much for my mind to handle. Images that had been painfully implanted inside of my head the night Declan and I were attacked—when my hand came into contact with the wolf that had targeted me.

Even if I wanted to make sense of the images, I couldn't. Even if I harboured the ability to decipher their meaning, I don't think I harboured the equal talent to understand them. As far as I was concerned, they were just a bunch of images, scenes or memories that did not belong to me but could not be slowed down enough for me to determine who they belonged to.

     For a couple of seconds, I allowed myself to just lay there, basking in the warmth supplied from the much too comfortable bed. Its owner, I already knew, wasn't around to bid me good morning nor was his special brand of warmth and comfort. Caleb was gone. And as my heart beat slowly returned to its normal pace and my breathing began to even out, I made a half-hearted promise to myself to not allow the third day of his absence ruin my mood.

     The morning after Caleb told me about Emmy Grace, he had stuck around until I woke before offering a rushed goodbye. He and his pack—minus Rickon and Declan, my personal babysitters—had gone off in search of, I kid you not, Angelie. I, of course, was a bit skeptical of their plans; I knew Caleb well enough to assume that the pure bloods had earned his undivided attention and focus. But when Caleb read the obvious doubt and worry written all over my face, he assured me that he wasn't going after them.

     At least not yet.

     He even surprised me a step further by actually telling me that they needed to find Angelie because they believed that she might be able to provide a lead on locating the pure bloods that had attacked Declan and I. I assumed it all traced back to the night of her unexpected visit and the fact that she knew what I was to Caleb. She knew that I was his mate and now the pure bloods knew it as well, which gave both her and the pure bloods information that connected them. The question now was when would The Council find out. But if Caleb's rushed hunt for Angelie was any indication, then the answer to that question we all hoped would be never.

     So there I laid in his big empty bed. Alone. I had not missed the look in his eyes as he explained his plans, nor the look that conveyed that he didn't want to leave my side. Not after everything that had transpired between us. Not while our relationship was stuck in limbo and the exit out of that dark and gloomy realm was no where in sight. But there was no other choice than the one he had to make, and I understood and accepted that better than I thought I would have. When you loved somebody, that person's well being took full and complete precedence over your own.

     Caleb was doing what he had to in order to protect his pack and to keep me safe. I couldn't fault him for that. So I wasn't going to whine and sulk all over the place because he walked out after dumping the biggest load of baggage to ever grace our relationship on me. Not just because I had no right to complain due to the role I had played in jeopardizing Caleb and the pack by exposing them to the pure bloods.

I wasn't going to act like a brat, cry foul play and project blame out onto the world because, in all honestly, that wouldn't have solved anything. It would have been a big waste of time. And if there was one for sure thing that I've learned during my time with Caleb, it was the notion that time was not on our side. So, in most cases, it had to be spent wisely.

     And right then, time was calling me to get out of bed, get in the shower and find a certain wolf that I had yet to properly apologize to. So that's what I had done. I reluctantly dragged myself out of the bed's embrace and somewhat hurried myself along to the bathroom. Twenty minutes later, I emerged from a fresh shower, quickly threw on a black, sleeveless, circle skirt dress with a mesh neckline inset, matched it with a pair of black thigh-high stockings, accessorized the ensemble with my favourite combat boots, and was out of the room and on my way down to the infirmary.

     As I ventured down the staircase, my eyes trailed over the paintings adorning the wall. The very paintings Caleb explained as a representation of each member of the pack and their respective elements. At the time, I hadn't thought much of his reaction when I asked if he had painted them, but now it all sort of made sense. The paintings were works of art created by both he and Emmy Grace. They had to have been.

     I looked up towards the top of the stairs where 'Caleb's' painting started off the rest, travelled back up and stopped directly in front of it. My gaze lingered on each triangle: the yellow upright triangle which was the symbol for air; the upside down blue triangle next to it that symbolized water; next to it, the upright red triangle for fire; and lastly, the upside down green triangle, the symbol for earth.

     Caleb's entire existence was, quite literally, summed up by four triangles. Every element that his world was governed by resided within him, intertwined in a sacred union, each unable to exist without any of the others. Four triangles. Four triangles that, according to The Council, could potentially carry the power of destruction. Four triangles that, in the past, provided the ability to heal, to revive life. Four triangles that represented the boy that I loved, but maybe—just maybe—that very boy was not meant for me to have entirely to myself.

     Yeah, I know. I promised I wasn't going to indulge in any of that self-pity, blame-the-world-for-my-problems crap, and I swear, I wasn't about to start. It's just, in that moment I realized that when I actually took the time and really thought about it, Caleb's DNA or elemental genetic code or whatever you wanted to call it has always been and will always be a big deal. I would never fully understand Emmy Grace's role or purpose in his life, but how could I question hers without questioning my own role and purpose? Maybe he just needed more than what I was meant to offer before I was around to offer it?

I truly believed with everything that I was that Caleb and I were the truest of mates, but if Emmy Grace was able to mean as much as she did to him then there had to have been a reason.

     I could only hope that I wouldn't drive myself insane trying to figure out what that reason was because I had yet to determine if being kept in the dark was for the best or if that same darkness was nurturing that very reason until it grew big enough to explode.

     After a final glance at the painting, I was, once again, off in search of my twin chaperones. My search, however, had barely begun when Rickon entered the foyer with a hard to miss smile plastered on his face. He was shirtless and only had on a pair of dark jeans. His dark hair was slightly ruffled, though it didn't help that his hand was running through it, I assumed, to shake out the blades of grass now adorning the foyer's marble floor.

     "Well, well, well. Sleeping beauty's finally awakened." He folded his arms across his chest and his smile faltered just slightly. "Good morning."

     I wasn't going to lie. Things had not been entirely awkward between Rickon and I—even though I nearly got his twin killed—but they weren't completely okay either. After the attack, Rickon had spent every waking moment by his brother's side, which didn't leave much room for us to really speak until two days ago. Even then, the words that would have formed an apology had not been able to leave my mouth because before I could even open it, Rickon had silenced me with an 'I know.' He didn't have to say anything further to assure me that I had already been granted his forgiveness, though I still didn't know if I had deserved it as easily as it had been given.

     "Mornings are the worst kind of torture," I replied with a smile. Walking right up to him, I helped pick out the blades of grass from his chestnut hair. "Do I even want to know why you have grass in your hair?" My eyes flickered from his hair to find his blue orbs shining brighter than normal. "What? Why are you extra happy today?"

     Rickon lifted his hand to grab mine, pulling it away from his hair. He continued to hold it as he dropped our hands in between us. Leaning down to touch his forehead to mine, he placed his free hand on the side of my face. His obvious excitement was contagious, something I had learned about the older, more physically affectionate twin some time ago. "Can't a brother be happy?"

     I literally laughed out loud at his question because Rickon was so not a 'brother', until his true meaning dawned on me. "Wait, what?"

     He only pressed a big kiss to the top of my head in response before he was headed off towards the staircase. "You're not going to keep him waiting out there forever are you?" He shouted half way up the stairs.

     Declan.

     With a speed I had not known I harboured, I weaved in, out and through the large house until I reached the backyard. Pushing the sliding door open, I stepped out onto the grass, took a couple of steps as my eyes darted in every direction until they made contact with Declan. He was standing just off into the distance, his back turned to me as he was in the process of putting a shirt on. Seconds later his body stilled and I just knew that he must have sensed my presence. But before he even had the chance to turn around, I broke out into a run and sprinted as fast as I could in his direction.

     It's hard to explain the sort of happiness I felt in that moment. The smile on my face was more than just an expression of that happiness. My urgency to get to him was much more than an action driven by excitement. Declan was more than just a boy—a wolf—that I cared deeply for; more than just a delta that swore to protect me. He was my friend but he was also more than that. He was family. When two people go through what he and I both went through together, I guessed that sort of connected you in a way that was beyond words, beyond comprehension.

Declan almost died to protect me—somebody he hardly knew and owed nothing to—and I was willing to die to protect him. But when you're staring death in the eyes, when you feel it sucking out the air from your lungs and eating a clear path towards your soul, and your only concern is not for your own survival but that of the person who was willing to lay down their life for you, well, that made you and that person more than just friends. That made your relationship more than just an alpha female and delta connection.

     And in that moment, I began to understand how a pack truly thrived. More so how Caleb and his pack managed to thrive. Loyalty. Love. Honour. Sacrifice. They did not have to bleed the same blood because loyalty, love, honour and sacrifice were the only elements between them that mattered; the foundation that strengthened their bond. Declan had shown me that.

     He must have anticipated what I was going to do because he stretched out his arms just in time to catch me as I literally jumped into his embrace. My arms wrapped around his neck a bit more tightly than they probably should have, but instead of loosening my hold, I only held on tighter. If Declan was at all uncomfortable, he showed no sign of it. He only tightened his arms around me as well.

     With my eyes tightly shut, I inhaled his earthy scent. We might have stood there embracing each other for five minutes in complete silence. Speaking would have only ruined everything because that moment, we both realized, was something we needed to endure together. Listening to each other's beating hearts; feeling the rise and fall of each other's chests; knowing that the both of us were still breathing. It may not make much sense, but it made perfect sense to us.

     We were both okay. We were both alive.

     "Declan. . ." I whispered, breaking the peaceful silence. It must have been a record for how fast tears had flooded my eyes. Heck, I don't think I cried more in my entire life than I had in the past couple of weeks. "I'm so sorry," I uttered for the billionth time. I had only been 'allowed' to see him a hand full of times while he was recovering, and even then my visits were limited to only a few minutes. So everything I hoped to say to him had not been able to be said until now.

     Declan pulled away and looked down at me. I diverted my gaze down to the grass, hoping the tears wouldn't fall in the process but they did. Like Rickon had done moments prior, Declan placed his hand on my cheek, coercing me to look at him once more. Relishing in the warmth of his touch, I placed a hand on top of his as my gaze lifted. "I'm fine."

     "I was so stupid! I almost got you killed—"

     "Stop, Ava-Rain. I promise, I'm fine. Most of the damage has healed and I feel stronger than ever."

     "But—"

     "No 'buts'," he cut me off, his tone a lot more serious than I expected. "All that matters is that you're okay, do you understand?"

     I knew my attempts to apologize and protest would only be thwarted further if I continued so, instead, I threw in the towel and pushed myself into his chest once more. "You may not believe it," he said as his arms circled around me, "but you distracting the other pure blood is probably what saved me. That and my fight—my need—to protect you. I mean it, even if you don't believe it."

     How could I believe that? I had not done anything worth remembering or mentioning to save Declan's life. According to Caleb, all thanks should have been thrown in Rickon's direction because it was he that had led the pack to our location by channeling his connection with his injured twin. I didn't deserve any sort of recognition as a saviour, but instead of objecting, I continued to bask in his warm embrace. All that mattered was that he was okay.

     "Come on. Let's sit down."

     Pulling away from him as I wiped away the remaining tears, I followed his lead and sat next to him on the grass. Linking my arm through his, I rested my head against his shoulder. The deep sigh that escaped me was beyond my control; it was completely automatic nowadays. But even if I hoped that it came out as nothing more than just a slightly accentuated exhale, I was only kidding myself to think that it could have gone unnoticed by Declan.

     "You want to tell me what's bothering you?"

     "It's nothing," I quickly replied.

     "It's something," he countered.

     "Declan," I pulled away to look up at him, "right here, right now, this exact moment, the only thing that matters is that you're okay. So let's just enjoy it. Enjoy this. I'm not going to rain on your parade." I chuckled to myself at my extra lame joke. "See what I did there?" His expression was completely blank. "Rain on your parade? Ava-Rain? Get it. . .?"

     A couple of seconds of silence passed between us until he let out a chuckle of his own. "That was kind of lame," he said as he threw an arm around my shoulder, pulling me back against his side.

     "Shut up. I'm hilarious." I slid my arms around his torso, my need for his embrace overriding all else. I didn't know if it was a result of him being outside in nature, or simply just because the element coursed through his veins, but the earthy scent radiating off of Declan, I realized, offered much more than just comfort. It offered protection, as well.

     And, again, I know that I promised that I wasn't going to go there. That I wasn't going to allow the funk I was in to drag me under any deeper than it already had. That I wasn't going to be the special guest at my own pity party. But in that moment with Declan, wallowing in the embrace of safety and protection, I was given an opportunity to at least try to begin healing. Was it so wrong for me to want to take it?

     "Earth. . .it represents stability, right?" I asked.

     "Yeah," he responded, "for the most part. Stability. Strength. Solidity. Permanence. But it represents a whole spectrum of attributes under its rule. Despite Earth being its own separate element, if you approach it in a more physical way—view it in its literal form as a planet—every other element exists inside of it.

"Earth harbours all. Air, water and fire. So, in a way, a wolf bred from the element of Earth is essentially a wolf of all elements. So, yes, Earth represents stability, but because of the other three elements that we're naturally and indirectly connected to as well, it's their specific attributes that strengthen the power of the green. The stability aspect can be enforced but cannot be upheld unless fueled by thoughts, emotions and desires. Did any of that make any sort of sense to you?"

     Surprisingly, it did. And if I had been that sort of girl, I totally would have patted myself on the back. "My mind was totally just blown, kid."

     "I'm guessing you asked me that for a specific reason. So have we finally reached the point when you decide to tell me what's on your mind?"

     "I just feel like. . .like I'm stuck in this place. Stuck in this place inside of me that I want to get out of but I can't. And I can't because I'm not sure if there are even any exits, you know? There's no where to run. No where to hide. No where to be safe. I'm just. . .stuck."

     "What are you running from, Ava-Rain?"

     "It's not a what; it's more of a. . .who." As much as it pained me to do so, I pulled away from Declan. My arms no longer circled his body and our broken embrace destroyed the invisible shield of protection. I looked up into his blue eyes, trying to figure out what I should say next that would feed the look of confusion on his face. "I'm running from myself. Caleb told me about Emmy Grace."

      I watched as the confusion slowly transitioned into surprise, and then as his eyes softened, his jaw relaxed and the look of surprise turned into one of sorrow and sadness. The low-self esteem and insecure girl inside of me would have even gone a step further and called it pity. As a deep sigh of his own was released, I turned my head away from him because even if there was no real pity on his part, it was much easier to convince myself and believe that it was, in fact, there.

     "I know what she meant to him and to this pack. You guys loved her. She was going to become your alpha female." I lifted my head and found his eyes once more. "The boy that I love loved another." I smiled softly and shook my head. It was that simple. So easy to sum it all up. "And I'm just here by default."

     "Ava-Rain, it's much more complicated than it—"

     "No," I cut him off. "No, Declan, it's not. It's not because. . .because I get it. Fifteen years with my grandmother, who found it easier to reject me than love me has taught me to get it. Fifteen years with two best friends that had no real reason to include me in their lives makes me get it. Losing my parents at four years old makes me get it."

     "Ava-Rain—"

     "It's me, Declan. It's me." Turning my head away, I stared off into the distance, over the green hills and towards the mass of trees. "That's my life. Not being good enough. Wondering if the kindness bestowed upon me by others was genuine or just pity. Fighting for unobtainable love. Fighting for acceptance, for happiness, for reassurance. For so long, I've fought for all of those things from everybody else that I forgot to fight for them from myself. And now I've become this broken girl that's so scared of the world, so insecure inside of her own skin. And I don't want to be her, to be this, but it's all that I am, Declan, because it's all that I know.

     "I'm the girl that's going to question every act of kindness that this pack has shown me. I'm the girl that's going to wonder every time that you look at me, if I'm being compared to her. I'm the girl that's constantly going to be worried about doing something wrong, scared of defiling and disgracing the memory of Emmy Grace's perfection with my imperfections. I'm the girl that's going to give into her doubts, that's going to give in to the 'what-ifs', that's going to believe that the boy I love is never going to be mine. That's who I am, Declan," I turned my head and looked at him, "and I'm scared to death that's all I'm ever going to be. So how do I get out?"

     He lifted his hand and placed it on the side of my face. Tilting his head slightly to one side, his blue eyes locked onto mine. "Get out of your prison or get out of this new life?"

     "I can't survive this new life if I don't get out of my prison."

     He dropped his hand from my face and placed it on top of one of mine. "'In the multitude of people is the King's honour, but in the want of people is the destruction of the prince'. The green feeds off of emotions, desires and thoughts. The level of those emotions you're feeling—inadequacy, fear, insecurity—is fueling your stability so much that you're now stuck. Because it's no longer limited to just your emotions, they've invaded your thoughts as well—the yellow. So now the yellow and blue are fueling the green, but where you think they're working against you, it's actually the complete opposite. They're only doing what you are providing them with the power to do.

     "You have to find the red, find your desire to break free from that place you're stuck in, Ava-Rain. Right now, the green is king, and the yellow, blue and red are its people. Without them, the green will fall. You'll be freed."

     "Destroy the monarchy? Sounds like treason," I joked.

     "Be thankful that as a human," he smiled, "you're able to do so without harsh repercussions." He removed his hand from mine and leaned back on his hands as he stared off into the distance. "But it's not so much about destruction, it's about making them equals. Finding a balance that can never overthrow your rule."

     "And for you? What do you do? I mean, you can't exactly destroy the green; it's half of who you are. How do you control it?"

     "I use the red—my other half—to balance it out."

     "The ultimate balance?"

     "Yes and no. The ultimate balance is in reference to keeping ourselves and our wolves on equal playing fields. I don't control my wolf anymore than it controls me. We are one. We feel, hear, taste, smell and see together. When it comes to controlling the green, then I have to turn up the red; navigate my thoughts and emotions away from whatever's fueling the green, and steer it towards the red to even the playing field.

     "Rickon and I are undergoing conditioning because we trigger each other in a way that threatens our ultimate balance. I know exactly what you're feeling; that prison you're stuck in is a place I know very well. I get stuck there because sometimes I feel too much. I feel too hard. I focus so intently on the negative. So in order to break free, I have to instead focus on the positive. As much as we fight, my love for my brother will always trump anything and everything else I may feel towards him. So I use that love, I channel it and wield it, force it into my thoughts and desires until the positive is balanced with the negative."

     "So if one emotion or thought takes control, combat it with another?" I thought about the logical side of that notion, but just because it sounded like a simple solution did not necessarily mean it could be executed so easily.

     He tore his gaze away from the scenery to look at me. "Caleb loves you, Ava-Rain. What he and Emmy Grace had does not change the fact that he loves you. And you love him. Hold onto that and I promise that you'll find your way out, but only if you're ready and willing to take the green's place when you dethrone it and become king—or should I say queen?"

    'You're your own hero, your own saviour, Ava-Rain.'

    Caleb's words were now coming into full effect, and I guess the time had finally come for me to rise from my own ashes.

With a smile on my face, I lifted a hand and gently placed it on the side of Declan's face. "Anybody ever tell you that you're kind of on a whole other level of awesome, kid?" Rising to my knees, I closed the space between us and slid my arms around his neck. Once his arms slid around me in response, I released the unshed tears that had been brewing inside of me for a long, long time.

     "Wait!" I pulled my head away to look at him, not at all concerned about the flood of tears streaming down my face. "That whole 'king without people thing', was that like a quote from the Bible or something? Really? A child of Luna quoting the Bible? I do believe that my mind has just been blown. . .again!"