Face your demons
heal your wounds
display your scars.
Don't just be
 a survivor
but rather
a warrior.
We're alive not just
to die.

/9/ It Disappeared

[LYSANDER]

"STOP it, Lou." Tumingin siya sa'kin at ilang segundo kaming nagsukatan ng titig. "You're scaring them." Para siyang natauhan at biglang binaba ang kamay na may hawak na maliit na patalim.

"I-I don't mean to," halos pabulong niyang sabi sabay yuko.

"Louella! What the hell—"

"Raven." Kaagad naman siyang tumigil. Tumayo ako at tiningnan silang lahat. "Let's rest."

"Pero, Lee... Mahal ko pa ang buhay ko." Raven also stood up. "If this is something suicidal—"

"It's not." I sighed. "Tomorrow, I'll explain this ritual thing."

"Mabuti pa nga siguro magpahinga na kayo," biglang nagsalita si Benjo na tumayo na rin. "Gigisingin ko na lang kayo, mga kapatid. Good night." Pagkatapos ay umalis na ito.

"You really know?" tanong ni Louella na nasa harapan ko na.

"Yes," I answered without blinking. I waited for her to speak again but she chose not to.

Akmang papasok si Raven sa tent namin nang sitahin ko siya. "Raven, you'll sleep with Lou."

"No—" tinulak ko na si Ellon papasok ng tent kaya wala nang nagawa si Raven. I glanced at Louella and saw her puzzled face.

Pumasok na rin ako sa loob ng tent habang nagpapagpag si Ellon.

"Thank you, pre," sabi nito at biglang hininaan ang boses. "Baka mamatay talaga 'ko kapag nakasama ko si Louella sa isang tent."

"Good night." I plugged in my earphones before lying down.

Pagkapikit ko'y biglang napunta sa kasunod 'yung music, isang pamilyar na intro music ang narinig ko na kaagad sinundan ng isang pamilyar na boses.

"...this is Louella Starling—and welcome to Sincerely Lou."

Instead of clicking next, hinayaan ko lang na mag-play 'yung isang episode ng podcast niya. Kahit na napakinggan ko na 'yon ay hindi pa rin nawawala 'yung pakiramdam noong una kong mapakinggan 'yung boses niya.

But it's true when they said,  you should never meet your heroes because most of the time it will be disappointing.

I don't call myself a fan of hers but I used to admire her courage of giving a fuck to other people's shit. I guess I also expected too much that she's real, that she's willing to help anybody.

Ako lang siguro ang exception. Well... Because I'm me.

But fate's funny. Those things happened and now we're here. I don't know if the mystical bird is real, I'm here because of a deal.

Dahil hindi ako makatulog inisip ko na lang 'yung mangyayari kapag natapos ang lahat ng 'to. Let's just say na may nakita kaming ibon o wala—Lou will have to honor our agreement. What will I say to the world? To all the people who thinks I'm a big shit?

Ngayon ko lang narealize... Hindi ko pala alam kung anong gusto kong sabihin.

Kung tutusin I can easily do it, my family has still some connections to media men. But I chose her, I chose Lou.

*****

GINISING kami ni Benjo ng sakto sa oras nang napag-usapan namin. Alas tres ng madaling araw kami nagsimulang umakyat papunta sa first base at sa unang hidden falls.

It's windy and cold, so we came prepared. We only brought essential things with us. Kanya-kanya rin kaming hawak ng flashlight.

Nauuna si Benjo at si Ellon naman ang nag-volunteer sa hulihan. Bukod sa tahimik ang paligid ay walang nagsasalita sa'ming lahat. Probably because it's too cold and dark. Walang ibang makikita kundi 'yung lupa, putik, bato, at mga matataas na halaman sa gilid na dinadaanan namin.

None of us complained or even asked if we're still far. Maybe we're all preoccupied with our own thoughts like me. This is the deal when you're hiking, you'll be forced to face your own mind. It's like fighting your own demons while physically struggling.

We all have the demons that we're dealing with. And that demon accompanies us until we reach the summit, that demon will discourage us until we learned how to defeat it. How to defeat it? Well, you just got to keep going, even if it hurts.

"Short break muna." Dinig kong sabi ni Benjo na huminto sa unahan. Hindi man lang ito hinihingal. "First time n'yo ba talagang umakyat? Ang bilis n'yo, eh." He's probably talking to Lou or Raven.

Hindi rin nagtagal ay muli kaming umusad. Hanggang sa unti-unti naming narinig ang tinig ng agos ng tubig. We're almost there.

It's still dark kaya wala pa kaming masyadong ibang makita. Benjo led us to a small cave na shortcut daw papunta sa first hidden falls, kaya pala basa at may umaagos na tubig.

Lumabas kami sa isang maliit na bukana at tumambad ang view ng langit. Narating na pala namin ang tuktok ng unang talon. Hanggang talampakan lang naman ang tubig, may mga malalaking tuyong bato at doon muna namin nilapag ang mga bag na dala namin.

Tinuro ni Benjo 'yung dulo at tinapatan 'yon ng ilaw. "Sa baba may lawa. Sobrang linaw ng tubig, pwede kayong maligo." Bakas sa boses niya ang excitement. "Hintayin lang nating umaraw."

I looked up and sighed. Pagkatapos ay tumingin ako sa mga kasama ko. Raven is trying to get a signal, si Ellon naman ay may kinukuha sa bag niya. And Lou...

"Hey." Nasa gilid ko na pala siya. "I want to ask about it."

"About the ritual?"

"Yes. Did you really know? For real?" Even though it's dark I can clearly see in her eyes that she's truly hopeful for this quest.

Tumitig lang ako sa kanya habang naghihintay siya ng kasagutan. Pagkatapos ay tumingin ako sa mga kasama ko.

"Guys," I called them. "It's time for the ritual."

Natigilan sina Raven at Ellon. Parehas may bakas ng pangamba sa mga itsura nila lalo na nang ilabas ko 'yung maliit na pocket knife.

"Allow me to explain what we'll do—"

"What are you doing?" Lou whispered.

"I'm explaining it to them," pabulong kong sagot. "I'll have to do it or else Raven won't believe you." Napaatras na lang siya nang sabihin ko 'yon, she looked hurt. And I know I'm right.

"Lee, seryoso ka ba talaga? May sense ba 'to?" Raven asked.

"Look, I know—we know that the bird might not be real."

"Might? Ibig sabihin may chance na totoo talaga," sabat ni Ellon.

I glanced at Lou before continuing. "I don't really care kung totoo ba 'yon or not. We came here with different reasons and I think we should do this thing just for the sake of doing it." Lou crossed her arms and I'm not sure ung anong iniisip niya ngayon. "Unfortunately, like what I've said last night, I know the tale of Alpas because of my grandfather. I've heard some stories and the 'ritual' they did."

"Okay, gets ko na, we just have to do it para matapos na 'to at makauwi tayo," Raven impatiently said. "So, anong ritual ba 'yan? Magbabago ba ang buhay namin diyan?"

Napangisi ako at bahagyang natawa. Tumaas ang kilay ni Louella pero wala siyang sinabi.

"I don't know, Raven. Wala akong idea kung ano bang mangyayari sa'tin dito." Tumingin ako sa hawak kong pocket nife. "And actually, it's not really a ritual, it's more like an initiation."

"Come on, dude, just drop it kung anong gagawin natin," Ellon said.

Tumingala ako saglit at nakitang nagbago na ang kulay ng itim na langit. And then I looked at them again. "My grandfather said that the Alpas symbolizes the spirit of freedom. It also means courage. That's why to summon the spirit of Alpas is an initiation of courage."

I walked towards the edge.

"W-Where are you going?" Hindi ko sinagot si Raven.

Humarap ulit ako sa kanila. Even Benjo is wondering what I'll do next.

"The act of courage begins with honesty." Naglakad din sila palapit sa'kin para mas marinig ang sasabihin ko.

"Dude, tatalon ka?!" sigaw ni Ellon.

I slightly smiled. "Obviously. But before that I need to tell you something about me." Lumingon ako saglit para tingnan kung gaano kataas ang talon. Am I scared?

Naramdaman ko bigla ang panginginig ng mga binti ko at mabilis na pintig ng puso ko. That's good to know, I'm still a normal human being that feels fear.

Magsasalita pa sana sina Raven at Ellon pero nakita kong pinigilan sila ni Louella. She knew this is how to do it because Manong Ling told her. I gave her a nod.

"Alam n'yo naman kung ano ang reputasyon ng pamilya ko. The Vireo is a clan of politicians widely known for corruption. Kung tatanungin n'yo ako kung totoo bang magnanakaw ang pamilya ko..." I shrugged. "I'm not sure. Hindi man napatunayan sa korte at hindi man nabigyan ng verdict na guilty ang pamilya ko sa alleged corruptions—siguro nga. I mean... Sino bang politiko ang hindi kurakot? Because those who claimed otherwise is bullshit. Only a saint is no corrupt." Natawa ako pero nanatili silang seryoso kaya tumikhim ako. "I'm not here to prove to you that my family is innocent, though I will admit to you this one thing.

I sickly suffered of bullying because of my family's name. But I grew up... I grew up loving them. For me, they're not the monsters they told you to be. That's why I want to speak up." I looked at Louella when I said it. "Hindi ko alam kung paano at ano ang sasabihin ko pero gusto ko silang ipagtanggol. Why? Because... They're my family. I'm tired of people's hate. I'm sick of their perception. Kahit isang beses lang sana pagbigyan n'yo akong magsalita para lang sabihin na... tama na."

"If you speak up..." Lou suddenly said. "How can you know that they'll listen?"

Umiling ako. "I don't care if they don't listen."

"Then, what's the point of speaking?"

I pursed my lips and stared at her for seconds. She's right.

"I don't intend to please those people, Lou. I'm not doing it for them."

They all gasped when I suddenly cut my palm using the pocket knife. Mabilis na tumulo 'yung dugo at nakita ko na inagos 'yon ng tubig.

Pinakiramdaman ko 'yung sarili ko. Naramdaman ko 'yung hapdi sa palad ko nang madampian 'yon ng malamig na hangin.

Am I being truthful enough?

"I wanted to kill myself before," bigla na lang lumabas 'yon sa bibig ko. "But I realized it's not going to be worth it. The world will continue even if I'm gone and that's not fair. I decided to live even if it sucks, and one day I will make those fuckers pay for ruining my life. Nah, revenge is cliché."

"Lee!"

Hinayaan ko 'yung sarili ko na mahulog patalikod. Nakita ko ang langit na unti-unti nang lumiliwanag. I tried to reach for the sky even if it's impossible to reach it. It only took seconds. Bago ako tuluyang bumagsak ay may nakita akong ibon na dumaan. 

The next thing I knew my body hit the cold water. Nanatiling mulat ang mga mata ko habang lumulubog ako sa lawa.

And then I closed my eyes.

I felt lighter. And lighter...

...and lighter...

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras akong nakalubog sa tubig. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano ako nakaahon dahil nang dumilat ako ay tumambad sila sa paningin ko na tumatakbo palapit sa'kin. I heard their voices calling for my name.

Bago pa sila makalapit ay tumihaya ako nang bumuga ako ng tubig.

"Lysander!"

Nang makita ko 'yung kaliwang kamay ko'y bigla akong napabangon.

"T-there's no wound..."

It disappeared.