When you badly
want to scream
that you're in pain
but concealing
your weakness
is much safer

/2/ A Big Fraud

[LOUELLA]

MY mind was carelessly wandering that's why I didn't see the ball coming. Natamaan ako sa ulo at kaagad akong natumba.

"Lou!" My classmates panicked and immediately checked me.

Damn... Medyo masakit 'yong tama sa ulo ko. Nakakagising sa realidad.

"Lou, are you okay? I'm sorry!" sabi ng kaklase kong nakatama sa'kin. Tinulungan niya akong makatayo.

PE class kasi namin ngayon at may Volleyball practice kami para sa finals next week. As usual, I smiled at my classmate and nodded.

"No worries, kasalanan ko naman kasi hindi ako tumitingin." It didn't help to ease her worry. Alam ko kung anong tumatakbo sa isip niya, she's afraid na baka ma-bash siya online because of what she did.

Tumingin ako sa paligid at nakitang maraming nakatingin sa'min dito sa gym. Damn... I bet may nakakuha na sa kanila ng video.

"Hey, don't worry too much, it's an accident," sabi ko at tinapik pa ang kaklase ko sa balikat.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang makita ang reaksyon siya, she almost gape and her eyes widen. Mas lalong dumaming usisero sa paligid ang nakatingin sa'min.

"L-Lou..." my classmate slowly pointed her finger at my face.

"Why—" and then it's too late for me to notice na may dugo na palang tumutulo mula sa ilong ko.

And so, I was immediately taken to the university clinic. I was excused for the remaining time of our PE class thanks to my prof. Ayoko na rin munang bumalik doon dahil nakaka-overwhelm 'yung komosyong nangyari. Tho maliit na bagay lang naman pero iba kasi... ugh... Famous problems? You bet.

I asked Nurse Tully to let me stay until lunch break, dinahilan ko na medyo nahihilo pa rin ako at gusto ko na lang munang mahiga sa clinic bed. Thankfully, she agreed. Nang umalis ang nurse ay nilabas ko 'yung phone ko at sumalubong ang sandamakmak na notifications sa Twitter.

OMG, Lou, are u okay?

Grabe, natamaan siya ng bola sa PE class! Get well soon, Lou xoxo.

Napabuntonghininga ako. I knew it. There's even a video clip na natamaan ako ng video! It's embarrassing pero mabuti na lang ay dahil against the light kaya hindi kitang-kita na ako 'yon.

Ang bobo naman ng classmate niya! Magseserve na lang sablay pa. Another netizen commented.

Ito na nga ba ang sinasabi ko. Kaunting kibot lang ay gumagawa na agad ang mga tao ng issue.

Actually, mas bobo si Lou, halatang natulala lang at hindi sinalag yung bola. Stupid. That's probably from a hater. At sinundan pa 'yon ng iba.

Bobo mo, Lou. Halatang di marunong magvolleyball ampota.

Dinala siya agad sa clinic, ang pabebe talaga.

Sanay naman na ako sa mga gano'ng klase ng comments pero hindi ko pa ring maiwasang mapaisip kung bakit parang ang dali-dali lang sa ibang tao na magbitaw ng masasakit na salita sa social media.

Dahil ba... Hindi naman nakikita ang mga mukha nila o nagtatago sila sa likod ng anonymous username? Dahil ba pakiramdam nila'y entitled sila na sabihin ang kahit na ano? Dahil ba nasa saligang batas ang freedom of expression ay may karapatan na silang manakit sa pamamagitan ng salita? Dahil lang... dahil lang sa karapatang 'yon?

Napahawak ako sa sentido, pinatay ko na lang muna 'yung phone ko at pilit na hindi isipin na may nangyari. I'm just going to pretend that nothing happened, the silly issue will pass soon and people will get bored. Makakahanap din sila ng bagong pupuntiryahin.

Apparently, that's what people do nowadays, maghanap ng issue ng kahit ng sino—then ride the wave, whether it may be to hate, to preach, to make fun, to laugh at, and so on. That's the power of the share button for you.

At kung kailan ipinikit ko na 'yung mga mata ko'y bigla akong nakarinig ng paghilik sa kabilang kama. Sumilip ako sa nakasiwang na kurtina at nakita ang ulo ng taong natutulog do'n.

Nanlaki nang bahagya ang mga mata ko nang makilala ko kung sino ang taong humihilik. Namalayan ko na lang 'yung sarili ko na umusod para mas makita nang maigi 'yung mukha niya dahil natawag ng pansin ko 'yung band-aid sa noo at pisngi niya.

"Was he hurt again?" wala sa loob na sabi ko.

Hindi ko sukat akalain ma mukha siyang anghel kapag natutulog, far from the grim and stoic face he always wears in the campus, was it just his mask? Ito ba ang totoong mukha ng isang Lysander Vireo?

"Matunaw 'yan." Halos mapatalon ako sa kama nang bigla siyang dumating.

"N-Nurse... A-ano pong nangyari sa kanya?" tanong ko tuloy para naman hindi ako tuluyang mapahiya.

"As usual," bored na sagot ni Nurse Tully sa'kin habang may kinukuhang file mula sa cabinet. "Hindi mo ba nakita kanina?"

"Ang alin po?" Imbis na sumagot ay tumingin lang siya sa'kin saglit na para bang sinasabing hindi ko na dapat itanong ang mga obvious na bagay.

Umalis ulit si Nurse Tully at muli akong napatingin sa kanya. Here I am whining how people are overreacting to my situation and I never considered kung paano pa kaya kalala ang pinagdadaanan ni Lysander Vireo.

He's probably the richest in this university... but the most hated—by social media standards: the most canceled person in Easton University.

Bigla ko tuloy naalala 'yung email sa'kin kagabi... my greatest fear...

Habang nakatingin ako kay Lysander ay biglang may sumagi sa isip ko... Na 'yung posisyon ba na kinalalagyan niya 'yung pinakakinatatakutan ko? Nobody likes him, everybody hates him, they persecute his every move, he's not even allowed to defend himself because... just because he carries the name of Vireo.

"Lou!" somebody called my name and I immediately saw Nigel. I was kinda taken aback when he hugged me. Kaagad din naman niya akong binitawan. "Sorry, it's just I'm really worried. Nabalitaan ko 'yung nangyari."

"Hey, I'm really fine now. Nagpahinga lang ako rito saglit." The worry didn't leave his dashing eyes.

Nigel is one of the reasons why I probably had haters on campus. Many are telling me that I'm lucky to capture his heart. Hindi social media star si Nigel but he's well-known to the whole university because siya lang naman ang president ng student council.

He got the looks, the intellect, and the charm. Perfect boyfriend material. Ang akala ng lahat ay kami na but no, we're not still officially dating. We just had...a mutual understanding. Pero walang label.

"It's almost lunchtime, are you sure you're really okay?" he asked while tucking the strands of my hair behind my ear.

I nodded. "I'm hungry. Let's eat." Hinawakan niya 'yung kamay ko at sabay kaming lumabas ng clinic. Hindi ko maiwasang lumingon at hindi ko alam kung namamalikmata lang ako na nakitang nakatingin sa'min si Vireo.

"You looked worried," biglang tanong sa'kin ni Nigel habang naglalakad kami at pinagtitinginan ng mga estudyante. "What's bothering you?"

"Umm... Kasi... Nakita ko si Vireo sa clinic kanina."

"What about that guy?"

"He's full of bruises."

"And so?"

"I think the students are harassing him."

He slightly shook his head and I saw his smirk. Without looking at me, he said, "Well, if the students think that he deserves a beating then so be it. Besides, anak naman siya ng magnanakaw."

*****

I saw it before. I saw in my own eyes how they bullied him.

But just like everyone else, I closed my eyes and pretended not to see anything.

Nobody defended Lysander Vireo because of the reputation of his family.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit naapektuhan ako sa sinabi ni Nigel sa'kin kaya laman siya ng isip ko buong period ng afternoon class ko.

At mukhang totoo nga 'yung sinasabi nila, kung ano 'yung iniisip mo iyon 'yung ma-aattract mong dumating sa'yo. Dahil hindi ko sukat akalaing makikita ko siya sa parking lot. Damn law of attraction.

"Y-yes?" Papasakay na 'ko ng kotse ko nang bigla siyang sumulpot mula sa likuran ng poste.

Nawala na 'yung mala-anghel niyang itsura kanina noong natutulog siya, he's back in his stoic stance. The afternoon sunlight hits him that making his piercing brown eyes more intense, his brunette hair was messy sideways, and I couldn't help but stare at his lips, wondering if it's reddish because of blood.

Hindi pa ako nakakalapit ng ganito sa kanya noon at saka ko lang napagtanto na mas matangkad pa siya kaysa kay Nigel. In his trim build but not overly muscular physique, I can tell that he's capable of defending himself from those bullies.

But he didn't. Lysander Vireo never fought back.

Habang lumulutang ang isip ko'y bigla siyang sumenyas ssa loob ng kotse. He wants to talk to me?

Due to shock ay tumango ako nang wala sa loob at sabay pa kaming sumakay ng kotse, siya sa may passenger seat.

Walang nagsalita sa'min 'agad nang makasakay kami sa loob. I carefully glanced at him and saw his left profile. What a fine lineament of jaw he has.

"W-what do you want from me?" I finally asked, breaking the awkward silence.

"You're the famous podcaster," he stated without looking at me.

"Yes. And?"

"Interview me."

"Umm... What?" I'd like to make sure that I heard it right.

Nang dahan-dahan siyang tumingin sa'kin ay napalunok ako nang makita ang mga mata niya. How can he be so serious and emotionless?

"You heard me."

"I mean... Why?"

Sumandal siya sa upuan, relaxing his posture.

"Don't you think it's an opportunity for your channel to grow? Your engagement will increase."

With a lot of bashers! Muntik ko nang maisagot.

"Umm... I'm already contented with my stable engagement rate," pagdadahilan ko.

He suddenly smirked. "Of course. People will definitely be shocked when they found out that you gave me a platform to speak."

"I'm sorry, Lysander, I'm going to be honest... I can't... Because... You... You're family..."

"Because of my family's disgraceful reputation. I know, I know."

"And aside from that... I'd like to be more neutral; you know... Lalo na kapag may kinalaman sa pulitika..."

He just smiled to himself, expecting this rejection. "Well, it sucks to be me. I'm not even allowed to speak for myself."

"Ano bang... Ano bang gusto mong iparating? Bakit gusto mong magpa-interview sa'kin?" I bravely asked the questions I'm dying to ask.

Sumulyap siya sa'kin, wala na ang ngiti. "Kung ikaw na lumaki mula pagkabata at iduldol sa'yo ang krimeng ginawa ng mga magulang mo, hindi ka binigyan ng pagkakataon para magpaliwanag, para ipagtanggol ang sarili mo. What are you going to do?"

Napatitig lang ako sa kanya at saglit na napaisip. "So... You want to clear your name—"

"No!" nagulat ako nang bigla siyang nagtaas ng boses. "I...I... just want to speak." Bigla ulit siyang tumingin sa'kin at nakita kong naglaho ang maskarang suot niya. "It's not fair." The micro-expression was gone but I felt it.

"I-I'm sorry... I can't help you."

He looked ahead and sighed deeply. "I'll admit na umasa ako. When I saw you earlier, I thought you're different from them. As expected, wala ka pa rin palang pinagkaiba sa kanila."

Biglang nag-init ang dalawang sulok ng mga mata ko sa sinabi niya. "You don't understand my situation, Mr. Vireo. What you're asking will bring me down—"

"Be yourself, huh," natigilan ako nang sabihin niya 'yon. "Now I can clearly see how bullshit you are. Don't preach as if you are the epitome of goodness. You're fake, Louella Starling."

And the moment he stepped out of my car; I immediately break down in tears.

Because what he said is true. I know I'm a big fraud.