The real brave people
are the ones who can
truly forgive
and forget
no matter how painful it is
because bitterness
is cowardice
to face the past.

/10/ Broken & Mended

[RAVEN]

WHAT am I even doing here? Kanina ko pa 'yon paulit-ulit na tinatanong sa isip ko. Tumingin ako sa mga kasama ko na tahimik lang din sa mga pwesto nila habang umiinom ng kape. Geez, how can they still drink coffee in this situation?

Tumingin ako sa waterfalls 'di kalayuan. Somehow, I found the sounds of falling water soothing. Mukhang sasang-ayon din ang mga kasama ko dahil pare-parehas kaming walang imik kanina pa.

Sumulyap ako sa tent 'di kalayuan, actually, kanina pa kami tumitingin doon. I hope he's fine.

Kung hindi dahil kay Lee, hindi ako sasama rito lalo pa't si Lou ang may pakana ng quest na 'to. I guess masyado akong marupok pagdating sa kanya.

Dalawang tao lang sa university ang nakakaalam tungkol sa totoo kong background: my former best friend, Louella Starling. At ang most hated person in the campus na si Lysander Vireo.

Nakilala ko si Lee nang maging magkaklase kami sa isang subject ni Prof. Diwani. Na-late ako ng enrolment kaya nahiwalay ako sa mga ka-blockmates ko. Nang magkaroon ng by pair groupings, kaming dalawa ni Lee ang natirang partner and guess what? Naging magkaibigan kami dahil do'n.

Hindi naman ako manhid para hindi maramdaman ang pakikitungo ng ibang estudyante kay Lysander Vireo. I don't have much interest in politics but if you want to stay out of trouble or being cancelled, you should get along—but I'm not that kind of person.

Do I pity him? Of course not. For someone who's been mistreated, he's the type of guy who doesn't want to be perceived as helpless. May mga mas nakakaawa pang ibang tao kaysa sa kanya kung tutuusin.

Maybe it's my apathetic attitude was the reason why Lee confided with me. Surely, may iba na ring nagtangkang makipagkaibigan sa kanya pero wala siyang hinayaang makalapit dahil alam niyang may mga hidden agenda ang mga 'to.

Kung tutuusin, with his reputation, got the looks, the money, and (sort of) power, he can be the villain archetype. He can fight back or become a bully but he didn't. He chose not to. Why? Sa totoo lang, 'yon ang hindi ko alam.

I'm just guessing that like me, he's also apathetic to the situation. I also guessed that like me he just wanted a simple and lowkey life.

The similarities I found in him with my aspirations were the reasons why I want to be with him. To the point I revealed to him my background. But nope, we're not together in that way. For now, it's enough for me that we got our backs.

Knowing that he's there for me, it's enough.

"Lee!" Napatayo ako nang makita ko siyang lumabas ng tent. Maging sina Lou at Ellon ay tumayo rin.

"I'm fine, guys," sabi niya sabay upo sa bakanteng upuan sa tabi ni Ellon. Naupo ulit kami.

"Come on, Lee, you scared us!" 'di ko mapigilang sabihin. Bumaling ako kay Lou. "So, that's it? That's the freaking ritual na sinasabi n'yo?"

"Raven—"

"I admit that I was scared too," inunahan niya si Lou magsalita habang nakatingin sa'kin.

Napahinga ako nang malalim at tumingin sa mga kasama ko. "Kailangan ba talaga nating gawin 'to?" bumaling ako kay Lou. "Why?"

Halatang napaisip si Lou kung anong isasagot sa'kin. Alam ko siya 'yung tipo ng tao na hindi mo basta-basta mapapasuko kaya nag-iisip siya ng dahilan kung bakit dapat naming ituloy 'to.

Pero imbis na sagutin ang tanong ko'y tumayo siya at lumuhod sa tabi ni Lee. Kinuha niya 'yung kaliwang kamay nito at saka namayani na naman ang tunog ng pagbagsak ng tubig sa talon.

"L-look... Y-your hand," nangangatal na sambit ni Lou. May kung anong tumusok sa'kin nang makitang magkatitig sila habang hawak niya ang kamay ni Lee.

"Sasabihin ko pa lang sa inyo," Lee said and took his hand back. Bumalik si Lou sa pwesto niya saka itinaas ni Lysander 'yung kaliwang kamay niya. "My wound healed and quickly disappeared."

"P-pero nakita namin na hiniwa mo 'yung sarili mo," sabi ni Ellon at kinuha rin ang kamay ni Lysander para tingnan 'yon. "Guys, nakita n'yo rin 'yung dugo kanina, 'di ba?" None of us answered but we all knew that he's right.

"Paano nangyari 'to?" tanong ko. "Wala kang naramdamang sakit?" Umiling si Lee at binawi ang kamay niya para tingnan 'yon. "How do you feel?"

Lee stared at me and I couldn't help but be mesmerized by his brown eyes. It's like I can peek at his soul through his eyes. Something's different with him.

"I feel better," simpleng sagot niya. Hindi ko alam kung namamalikmata lang ba 'ko nang makita ang bahagyang pagkurba ng gilid ng labi niya. Itinaas niya ang kaliwang kamay. "Maybe this is a good sign."

"Good sign?" ulit ko. "Are we just going to ignore the fact that this is creepy?" Tiningnan lang nila 'ko. "And we're just going to pretend that nothing happened and move forward?"

"Raven, nobody's telling that we should forget it," Lou said. "I think ikaw lang ang nag-iisip na creepy 'tong nangyari."

Halos mapanganga ako sa narinig ko. "What?" I looked at them and I realized na ako lang ang nagpi-freak out. "You, guys..."

"Raven, chill ka lang," sabi ni Ellon. "It's just a matter of perspective. Ayaw lang naming mag-overthink."

"Wow..." Iyon na lang ang nasabi ko at hindi na ako nakapagsalita pa.

Saktong dumating si Benjo mula sa kung saan. "Oh, Lysander, okay ka na ba? Ready na ba ulit kayo, guys?"

Wala nang umangal pa sa'min, hindi na ulit ako kumibo. We found ourselves back on the track. Sinadya kong magpahuli pero hindi ko napansin agad na nasa harapan ko lang si Lee.

"Hey," tawag niya sa'kin nang huminto siya. Sinasabayan niya na 'ko ngayon sa paglalakad. Natanaw ko na malayo na sa'min sina Ellon at Lou na sumusunod kay Benjo.

"Hey."

"You alright?"

"Thanks for asking," sagot ko habang nakatingin lang sa maputik na daanan.

"I know you're worried for me earlier, thanks," sabi niya at ngumiti lang ako.

"You're crazy for doing that. How can you even feel better? At 'yung nangyari sa kamay mo, hindi ka man lang natakot?"

He shrugged. "Mag-aaksaya lang tayo ng oras kung pag-uusapan natin kung paano 'to nangyari." Pinakita niya ulit 'yung kamay niya. "That's why we need to keep moving forward to see where it ends."

Napabuntong-hininga ako. "In short, wala tayong choice kundi tapusin 'to." Tumango siya at ngumiti. "Ang sabihin mo, curious ka rin kung may magic bang mangyayari sa'tin sa bundok na 'to."

I heard him chuckle. "I admit, yes. It intrigues me after what happened. Maybe we'll get superpowers after." Natawa na kami parehas. "Anong powers ang gusto mo?"

"Hmm... Gusto ko 'yung mapapagalaw ko 'yung mga bagay gamit lang ang isip ko, parang 'yung kay Jean Grey sa X Men."

"Oh, telekinesis. I'd like to be the Hollow Man."

"Ha?! Ang creepy mo!" bulalas ko. Tinawanan lang niya 'ko.

"I mean, gusto kong magkaroon ng invisibility powers."

"Hollow Man pa talaga 'yung example mo, that movie freaked me out when I was a kid."

Hindi ko na namalayan 'yung oras at layo ng nilakad namin dahil sa pagkukwentuhan namin ni Lee. We're both nerds that's why we could talk for hours. Talking to him made me at ease again.

"So, you're going to jump?" bigla niyang tanong.

"Ha? Anong jump?" ang layo kasi nang sinabi niya sa topic naming video game.

"The ritual." Tumigil ako sa paglalakad kaya tumigil din siya.

Napaisip ako nang mabuti kung gagawin ko rin ba 'yung ginawa niya kanina. Wala naman akong fear of heights pero may kinakatakot pa rin ako.

"I'm scared, Lee. You know that."

"Raven." Hinawakan niya 'ko sa balikat. "I know this is cliché but the truth will set you free. Don't laugh—" saway niya sa'kin nang ngumisi ako. Pagkatapos ay bumuntong-hininga siya. "Do you want to be scared for the rest of your life?" Umiling ako. "Then take that jump."

"Will a single jump matter?"

"A single jump might be the first step to change our lives. Maybe, you'll believe in a miracle once you experience what happened to me." He showed his left hand again.

I don't know if he's bluffing about his hand. Pero kitang-kita ko rin 'yung ginawa niya noon at 'yung dugong umagos mula sa kanya. So, the reason why Lee's different because he a miracle happened to him.

If a miracle happened to me too... Hindi ko pa alam kung anong gagawin ko. But the idea looks cool. If Lee's encouraging me for it because it's for the better, then I'll do it.

We easily reached the second hidden falls. Hindi gano'n kahirap 'yung trail pero matagal lang 'yung oras na na-consume namin. Katulad noong una'y dumaan din kami sa maliit na yungib bago marating ang ikalawang talon.

Nagpaalam si Benjo na magse-set up ng mga gamit namin para makakain na kami ng lunch kahit nap asado alas tres na ng hapon. Nang maiwan kaming apat ay nagsalita si Lou.

"Here we are, guys. Katulad nang ginawa ni Lysander—"

"I'll do it."

"Really?" gulat niyang tanong. Isang tango lang ang sinagot ko saka nilahad ang kamay ko sa kanya.

"Give me the knife." Lou silently handed it to me.

Dahan-dahan akong lumusong para silipin ang taas ng tatalunan ko. Mas malakas 'yung bagsak ng tubig dito sa ikalawa kung ikukumpara kanina at bahagyang mas mataas din. Napalunok ako nang sunod-sunod. Lee's right, it's scary.

Humarap ako sa kanila at lumapit nang kaunti para marinig nila 'ko. Lou and Ellon looked worried, Lee's just standing and smiled at me. He even mouthed the words 'good luck'.

I just need to confess something first. Napapikit ako saglit. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula.

I took deep breaths before I opened my eyes and then I looked at Lou. She never knew this but now she's about to find out.

"Alicia Arwani is not my biological mother. I'm an orphan. And I owe her everything, for giving me the best life according to her. Hindi katulad ng nasa teleserye na huling nalalaman na ampon sila, bata palang ako pinamulat na niya sa'kin ang totoo. She kept telling me be a good daughter and to grow up gracefully so that I could repay her. And I did." Tumango-tango ako. "I did become a good daughter to her. Sinusunod ko siya sa lahat ng gusto niya, mula sa pananamit, kung paano ako dapat kumilos, magsalita, mag-isip, at iba pa. Before graduating high school, noon ko lang narealize na para lang pala akong manika. Unconsciously na nakatatak sa isip ko na bawat paghinga ko ay utang na loob ko sa taong kumupkop sa'kin. She's my mother. And you might not believe it but I love her."

"Do you hate her?" Lou suddenly asked.

"Katulad ni Lee, I don't resent my only family who gave me this privilege to live. But at the same time, I despise her vanity and her manipulations. It's a toxic relationship, obviously."

"That's why you left your home?" she asked again.

"After high school, I talked to her and we had an agreement, hahayaan niya 'kong gawin lahat ng gusto ko during college and then after I graduate..." I looked at Lee and his smile vanished. This is the part that I didn't tell him. "I'll go home and live up to her expectations."

"What do you mean?" Lee asked.

"Tinanggap ko na kung ano 'yung kapalaran ko. I owe her my life and I'll pay her back by being the daughter she wants me to be." That means choosing everything for me, even the man that I'll marry.

"That's bullshit," Lee spoke again.

Napangiti lang ako. I used to say that line to him whenever he's ranting about his pathetic life. Well, I guess we both had a pathetic life.

"Raven, sa tingin ko..." nagsalita si Lou. "Sa tingin ko hindi mo dapat gawin 'yon. You... You don't owe your life in that way."

"I know, Lou," sagot ko. "There are also many times that I want to run away and disappear, change my name, have plastic surgery to change my face. Alam ko medyo OA." I sighed. "I already made a decision."

"Iyon ba talaga ang gusto mo?" tanong bigla ni Ellon. "Magiging masaya ka ba ro'n?"

"Hindi," sagot ko.

"Raven, just talk to your mom, maybe she could understand," sabi ulit ni Lou.

"It's no use. You don't really know her. You don't know what it feels like to have a narcissist parent—"

"Then just break off your relationship—"

"It's not easy!" sigaw ko bigla. "Madali lang sabihin 'yung mga ganyan pero hindi talaga madali. I honestly... don't have the courage to run away. And maybe Lee was right, that we can get what we need here by doing this."

I quickly cut my left palm using the knife and I winced because of the pain. Damn... This hurts like hell.

"Raven—"

I was breathing hard as I watched the blood from my hands. Parang gripo 'yon na ayaw tumigil sa pagdaloy.

Jump... All I need to do is just to jump once...

Bumwelo ako bago tumakbo at tumalon. Pumikit na lang ako para hindi maramdaman ang sakit. Hanggang sa lumubog ako sa tubig at unti-unting nilamon ng kadiliman ang paningin ko

.

*****

[LOUELLA]

ANOTHER miracle happened.

Mabilis pa rin ang pagtibok ng puso ko dahil mas lalo akong binigyan nito ng pag-asa na mahahanap namin ang Alpas.

Like Lysander, Raven's wound in her hand healed and disappeared.

She was unconscious when Benjo found her, naayos na kasi nito 'yung camp namin at kaagad naming dinaluhan si Raven. Thank goodness she's fine.

Nang makita ni Raven ang palad niya'y natulala lang siya at hindi nakapagsalita.

Isang oras na kaming namamahinga rito sa camp site. Mukhang dito na rin kami aabutin ng dilim. Ayaw naman naming umusad nang hindi nasisigurong okay na talaga si Raven. We're just waiting for her to say something.

Nang makita ko siyang naglakad palayo ay kaagad ko siyang sinundan. Sumenyas ako kina Lysander at Ellon na hayaan muna kaming dalawa.

Hinabol ko si Raven at tumigil naman siya sa paglalakad nang harangan ko siya.

"C-can we talk? Please?" Yumuko lang siya at napayakap lang sa sarili. Hinubad ko 'yung jacket ko at pinatong 'yon sa balikat niya. "Raven... I'm sorry." Nag-angat siya ng tingin at nakita ang lumbay sa kanyang mga mata. "I'm sorry kasi hindi ko alam... Hindi ko alam kung ano 'yung pinagdaanan mo noon. Pero gusto kong malaman mo na... Matagal ko nang gustong magsorry sa'yo kahit na hindi ko pa alam ang totoo."

Hindi siya kumibo kaya napabuntong-hininga ako at hinawakan siya sa kamay. "I was immature and selfish. To think we broke our friendship just because of that—actually, kasalanan ko. I'm the one who ruined our friendship. Kaya... Hindi ako nag-eexpect na babalik tayo sa dati—"

"Apology accepted, Lou."

"R-Raven..."

"I should've told you the truth before. I should've confided pero mataas ang pride ko. I thought I could carry it alone. I never wanted to become a burden—" natigil siya sa pagsasalita nang yakapin ko siya.

Namalayan ko na lang 'yung sarili ko na umiiyak. Pagkaraan ay naramdaman ko na lang 'yung paghagod niya sa likuran ko. We just remained like that for a few minutes. Wala mang nagsasalita sa'min pero naging hudyat ang katahimikan na... okay na.

I felt that she genuinely accepted my apology. I also accepted the fact that it doesn't mean we can return to the way we used to be. Pabalik na kami sa camp site nang hawakan ko siya balikat, sana maramdaman niya na... na nandito lang ako para maging sandalan niya kung kailan niya gusto.

Palapit na kami sa kinaroronan ng mga kasama namin nang tumigil siya bigla at humarap sa'kin.

"I'm sorry too, Lou," sabi niya. "Maybe we could start over again." Nagliwanag ako nang marinig 'yon. "Pero may favor lang ako."

"Ano 'yon?"

"Stay away from Lysander."