The truth is,
we're the one
who truly break
our hearts
By lying
to ourselves

/1/ Behind the Mask

[LOUELLA]

"CAN you please give me advice on how to improve my self-confidence?" a freshman caller asked on the other line.

It was one of the frequently asked questions to me. Automatically the answer quickly popped in my head. An automated answer.

"Because I really want to be like you, Miss Lou." Until she added that.

I tried to maintain my smile dahil sa camera na nakatutok sa'kin. And oh, it's recording and streaming live on Our Daily Bird's social media channels.

"Oh, you see, I believe that confidence can be found in the authenticity of your personality. It simple as it sounds but you just gotta be yourself."

Typical advice.

"That's really nice, thank you so much po! I'll keep in mind that." And it seems to work all the time.

"Thank you also for calling! Bye!" I cheerfully answered back.

Matapos maputol ang linya ng huling caller sa program ko ay tumingin ako sa camera.

"Wow, I can't believe we're done. I'd like to thank you, guys, for tuning with us for today and see you again next week. Don't worry, guys, you can always reach out to me on my social media channels if you got any questions or seeking inspiration, just follow and subscribe! This is Louella Starling, thank you for supporting Our Daily Bird. Have a great day, Falcons!"

After flashing a bright smile and waving to the audience, the camera stopped recording and the members all clapped on the other side of the glass window.

Hinubad ko 'yung headphones na nakasuot sa'kin at lumayo sa mic. Tumayo ako at saka lumabas ng live room. Sinalubong nila ako ng pagbati.

I think I did a good job despite almost having an anxiety attack this morning.

"Impressive as always," bati ni Rhian, ang president ng Our Daily Bird, ang broadcasting club ng university. "We'll just wire transfer your TF. Thank you so much for hosting every Wednesday."

"No problem," maikling sagot ko. Inabutan ako ng isang member ng isang bottled water na kaagad ko namang ininom.

"Hulog ka ng langit, Louella. Simula nang masama ka sa livestream mas dumami ang callers at viewers namin," pahabol naman ng isa pang senior member.

"Of course, maraming stressed students ngayon ang nangangailangan ng advice ni Lou," sabi ni Rhian at tinapik pa ako sa balikat.

I just shyly smiled while being showered by their compliments. Hindi ko na nga mabilang kung ilang beses akong nagpasalamat. I don't know what to answer aside from a simple 'thank you'.

Actually... I'm getting tired hearing praises. Siguro dahil sanay na ako? O baka hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako sanay tumanggap ng papuri. Where I came from, they never praised me even in single accomplishment since grade school.

Rhian asked me before kung bakit hindi related sa multimedia ang course na kinuha ko sa college. She even told me that I got the talent for broadcasting but I shrugged it off.

I'll probably aced all the subjects if mass com ang kinuha kong course. But I don't think so, perception lang siguro ni Rhian kung bakit niya sinabi 'yon. Besides, I took up a business course to prepare myself for Law school. That's the plan.

You may ask why. Well, if becoming a lawyer would make me fit and acceptable to my family's name, then I'll go for it.

Anyway, since lunch time ko na ay nagpaalam na 'ko sa kanila. Pagkatapos mamayang hapon ay may isa na lang akong klase.

Habang naglalakad ako sa hallway ay maraming bumabati sa'kin.

"Hi, Lou! I watched your live stream, you're really inspiring!"

"Kailan po 'yung next episode ng podcast n'yo? I'm a fan!"

I politely answered them, of course with my signature smile. You will never see me on campus not smiling unless I'm alone. Though at first, it hurts to plaster a smile for the whole day. Eventually nasanay din ako.

May mga lumalapit din sa'kin para magpapicture, mostly ay mga freshmen sa university na dumadayo sa building namin.

Oh, you might be wondering am I celebrity or what? Well, you're right. One of the campus famous as they called it. Nagki-cringe ako noong una sa idea pero tinanggap ko na rin kalaunan.

It all started when my aesthetic journaling and study with me videos on YouTube suddenly went viral. I also discovered that I got a knack for podcasting and I started giving advice and motivational talks.

Boring kasi noong nagsimula ang lockdown at hindi ko sukat akalaing 'yung past time ko na gumawa ng videos ang magdadala sa'kin sa ganitong posisyon.

'Di katagalan, people started following me on my social media accounts. The views and engagement skyrocketed until brands started to collaborate with me.

It was fun. The feedbacks are addicting and I admit, it actually feeds my need for approval.

For the first time, I thought I did something right.

This is for me, I thought.

So, I embraced it fully.

I became the Louella Starling they know. The always smiling, radiant, and filled with positivity. Always there to help.

Nang makarating ako sa university cafeteria ay naghihintay na sa'kin ang isang espesyal na pwesto. As you may already know, in every school hindi mawawala 'yung cliques. Bawat pwesto ay may kanya-kanyang grupo, an unwritten rule of hierarchy.

You guess it right again; I belong to them—to the famous kids' clique.

"Hey, here's Lou! I watched your live ha, ang blooming mo as always!" Prima, the famous singer and dancer. Umusod siya para bigyan ako ng space umupo.

"Guys, we're planning to collab, sinong game?" tanong ni Dexter, ang sikat na master prankster.

"Naku, pass! For sure puro kalokohan lang 'yan!" sabi naman ni Kiwi, ang gay na sumikat sa mga relatable and comedy skits niya.

"Pwede naman nating gawing medyo scripted para 'di na kayo mahirapan!" sinundan naman 'yon ni Kyla, ang skin care guru at famous na make up artist.

It's actually weird and I can't remember kung paano ako napasali sa clique na 'to. Since I went viral, parang naging automatic na 'ata maging kaibigan mo rin 'yung mga ka-'level' mo.

They commented on my videos before hanggang sa nag-follow back sa isa't isa. Nang mag-face to face classes na ulit ay saka namin napag-usapang magmeet up sa university kaya heto kami.

At first, it felt wonderful to be with people like them who seem to be very passionate about what they do. Social media made us all 'stars' and gave us this privilege. It was fantastic.

Everybody is looking at us as if we're the protagonists of our own movies. I thought I made it. I thought I'm already living the dream.

Habang nakikinig ako sa usapan nila about projects, collabs, brands, sponsorships, engagements, and so on... I couldn't help but to wonder... Are they really happy?

Were they also wearing a mask?

Like me?

*****

WE'RE all wearing a mask. That's a hard fact that everyone should realize.

We don't know that we only see people as they only appear to us, not the real ones.

At ang mas masakit pa na katotohanan? Kahit na hindi ka pa sikat ay may maskara ka nang sinusuot at pinapakita sa mundo—sa mga kaklase mo, sa mga kaibigan mo, sa pamilya mo.

The sun was about to set when I arrived at my condo. I bought this unit using my earned money. Nakakaproud, hindi ba?

Sinalubong ako ng mga papeles sa mesa ko na sa tuwing nakikita ko'y parang pumipilipit 'yung sikmura ko.

I checked my phone dahil may message notification sa group chat ng family namin. Nangangamusta ang Mommy namin at isa-isa nang nagreply 'yung mga kapatid ko. Dalawa na lang kaming nag-aaral ng bunso at 'yung tatlong nakatatanda'y nagtatrabaho na sa ibang bansa.

After college, dapat sumunod ako sa mga yapak ng siblings ko sa States dahil plano nila Mommy na mag-migrate kaming lahat doon pagkatapos makagraduate ng bunsong kapatid ko.

'I just got home, 'mmy. I had a great day at school'  I typed and sent it.

Napasulyap ako sa tambak na papers sa mesa at hindi ko mapigilang madismaya sa sarili ko.

Hindi ko pa rin kayang sabihin sa kanila 'yung problema ko.

Why? I don't know... I just don't want them to be disappointed.

I just took a deep breath and went to my room. After getting a shower, pumunta ko sa study area ko at binuksan 'yung laptop ko to check my social media channels and emails.

As usual, hundreds of notifications filled with likes, comments of mostly praises, and good feedbacks.

Naka-isang oras din ako sa pag-iscroll.

But it didn't fill the void inside me.

I feel... empty.

There are these kinds of days that you just don't know why you feel sad or lonely, sometimes for totally no reason at all.

But this time it's different.

I know why I'm being like this.

I'm facing difficulties but I couldn't share them with my own family. Natatakot ako sa magiging reaksyon nila, sa paninisi nila... That's why I'm doing my best to solve it on my own.

Magta-type na sana ako ng status pero binura ko na lang at sinara 'yung browser. You can't let them know, Lou. 

I wanted to share this feeling, I wanted to let the world know that I feel helpless—pero hindi ko magawa.

I'm Louella Starling, they need me. I'm the one who's supposed to be strong for everyone who needs help.

Suddenly I felt my cheeks wet, I'm already crying. Damn it...

"Lou, you'll be fine," I told myself countless times. "You've got this, Lou. You can't be weak."

You can't show the world that you have a weakness.

Bigla akong nagulat nang tumunog 'yung isang email notification. It's from someone and I immediately opened it.

'I'm a big fan of yours and I just want to say thank you because you helped me in so many things and your podcast, Sincerely Lou saved me. I'm hoping you'll post a new episode soon. Just in case you're looking for a content idea, can you talk about your greatest fear if there's any?'

My greatest fear huh?

I never thought about it before.

Akala ko kasi kaya kong mag-isa harapin lahat—lalo na nang maging successful ako sa sarili kong sikap. 

Napasapo na lang ako sa noo habang patuloy pa ring tumutulo 'yung luha sa mga mata ko.

I just realized that maybe... Maybe I'm living already my greatest fear...

Despite having success... I did get what I want but did I get what I really need?

If so... Then why I'm too scared to ask for help?

Why do I feel alone?

*****

NAKATULUGAN ko naman 'yung pag-iyak. Isang panibagong araw ulit para muling suotin ang maskara.

Thanks to my influencer friends, mas nag-improve ang pag-aayos ko dahil sa make up tips ni Kyla at fashion advice ni Kiwi.

Pero sa kabila ng magandang panlabas na anyo, bakit hindi ko pa rin gusto 'yung taong nakikita ko sa salamin?

Huminga ako nang malalim katulad nang palagi kong ginagawa. I smiled widely and stood straight in the front of mirror. 

"You looked awesome, girl. Remember, you are the light, Lou. Smile."

And that's how I start my day.

Pagpasok ko ng university ay sumalubong sa'kin ang kanilang mga pagbati. They like me—the one I'm showing.

I know I'm not the only one who wears a mask just to survive every day. Because behind the mask lies the ugliness and weaknesses of ourselves, it might be better to pretend that we're okay.

Fake it 'till you make it, ika nga nila. Well, we seem all to make it.

And if that's a thing we can be proud of, then so be it.

Chin up. Smile. You'll survive.

The day will come we're all going to break free.