HILSA

PAST

My family was gathered in the dining room, they were waiting for me and we had a rule in our house, we didn't eat unless we were all there. It was a stupid rule but my mother brought it and dad agreed.

I was hiding on top of the stairs where I could see all of them, I wasn't ready to eat or face any of them but I felt guilty because they weren't eating because of me.

Elton's chin was resting on the table, his arm stretched out in front of him, he was scrolling through his phone, not really looking hungry. Elsa was biting her nails, she looked hungry. My dad was tapping his fingers on the table, checking the time on his wristwatch from time to time. Mom was, well,
she kept looking at the direction of the stairs to see if I was coming down.

I stayed there, not moving just watching them.

Dad clapped his hands, getting everyone attention. "Wake up, people!"

"Mom, are you sure she's my twin?" Elton asked. It wasn't the first time they would joke about that and think it was funny. I was different from everyone else and it was well known.

Elsa chirped in. "Yeah, are you sure they didn't switch her with someone else's baby?"

Dad chuckled and faced mom. "Didn't the doctor say we were having two baby boys?"

They all laughed like they were auditioning for the annoying background laughter on a sitcom.

"Oh stops that," she scolded them in a soft tone, only my mom would make an insult sound like a praise. "She's probably doing something."

"Like?" Dad asked.

"Eavesdropping on you lot." I came out of my hiding space and walked down stairs.

None of them flinched at the sound of my voice out of noway, it was as if they knew where I was listening in.

"Good morning," I greeted them with a smile. I didn't care about what they said but I felt like I shouldn't be cold to them, they were missing breakfast because of me.

None of them answered me, they all looked away as I entered the dining room. "This is the part where you say it back," I encouraged as I took my seat at the end of the table, directly opposite my dad.

"I guess hide and seek is over," Elton mumbled and turned to mom, "Okay, Mom start serving, please, I'm starving."

I tsked.

Mom stood up and walked from her sit to where I'm sitting, she bends to press a kiss on my head. "Morning darling, how did you sleep?" She asked and pushed my hair off my face.

I fake a yawn. "Bad. I had a nightmare about you lot spending Christmas in England."

After our last Christmas, I made a vow never to return there and everyone knew why. That time of year was coming, I guess that was why I had a dream about it. The nightmare didn't even live up the reality, that was how worse the situation was.

Dad cleared his throat. "Quiet Hilsa, people are starving." His tone was dismissive and harsh.

I watched him to see if there was something else apart from not making them eat in time.

"Yeah, Hilsa, shut up," my sister glared at me, "you know I'm doing the intermittent fasting and I can't be missing my time all the time."
   
I was going to apologize but she behaved immature, so she wasn't getting anything but scorn from me, and I know how to get even.

"So Elsa," I started when mom returned to seat and begun to serve,  "how was your date last night?" I asked, knowing she didn't want anyone to know, especially dad. "was it with the trained? Jared–George was his name?"

If look could kill, I'd be died but luckily for her I wasn't afraid of death.
   
"What date?" Dad, Mom and Elton asked at the same time.

She shook her head, telling me not to say anything but I ignored her. "She went out with dad's trainer from the gym," I told them with a smirk.

Mom and Elton bursted into laughter. "Jared? The one with the big lips?"
  
"Now, now children, stop picking on Elsa." She cleared her throat. "What was it you wanted to say, Johnny?"
  
All our eyes fell on dad, waiting for him to speak and when he did I wish I stayed up a little longer.

"We're going to England," he announced.

The holidays were approach, and it was Mom's turn this year which meant going to England, but I thought after what happened two years ago at the last Christmas we did there that they wouldn't want to go back.
  
"I can't go, I've got plans," I told him.

"On shnap!" Elton said, knowing there was going to be a full blow out between dad and me this morning.

"Cancel them." It was the way he was just saying everything nonchalantly like he doesn't even care. What the fuck?

I stood up from the chair and glared at him. "They are not plans I can cancel, and even if I didn't have plan I still won't follow you back there. How could even suggest that after what happened."

None of them witness what happened, they only came rushing in during the aftermath and when the damages has been done. I told them what happened but none of them believe, why would they when it was me standing uninjured? But I wished they'd given me benefit of the doubt.
  
Mom quickly rushed to my side to touch me but I stepped back, not wanting to be held.

"Are you about to have an episode?" Elton joked again, it was the way they turned everything into joke.
   
"How can you have plans for Christmas? Hilsa, its Christmas with your family in England." Elsa added.

I curled a tight fist and took a deep breath. I look at dad and stood my ground. "I am not going anywhere."
    
"You're grounded for life. All that talk about not coming is just you throwing a temper tantrum, you are coming and that's final!"

My dad just yelled me.

He got angry at me from time to time but he never yelled at me until today. He yelled at me because I refuse to follow them to England.

"I am not going and there's nothing you or anyone can do about it." I turned my heel and went upstairs.

I heard my mom trying to take my side in the only way she knew how. "You could have asked what plan she has, we could have come to a compromise. Yelling at her or grounding her won't solve anything, it will only anger her, and you of all people knows how she is when she's angry. You know nothing changes her mind. She said she wouldn't come and you know she wouldn't, I told you she won't agree with you like that."

PRESENT

I am going to surprise Marklin today, he deserves it. Yesterday when he called to remind me about today's class, the last class for this semester, I told him I would show and he didn't believe me.

Why ask for my answer when he wasn't going to believe me?

It's been a while since I've attended any lecture, it always my sculpture and drawing class I attend and I spent the majority of the night thinking about it. It's time I return to school.

Low murmurs choruses the class when I walk into the lecture hall. They sure don't know how to hide their surprise or keep their comments to themselves.

One student whispers but loud enough for me to hear. "Hilsa is here, didn't she die?"

"Look at that mean face," another one says.

I hiss at them and watch them jump. Their reaction makes me tip my lip up in a mocking smirk. They look away from me and rush to find a seat.

Marklin is already in class, I give him a finger salute, ignoring his surprise look and find an empty seat in the third column in the middle of the room where I can be looking at him directly.

"Fuck yeah!" Landon Cole's voice rings through the room, making me look in his direction as he walks into the room, his hands shakes Ethan's shoulder.

Ethan?

What is he doing here?

I haven't seen him before and after our standoff I'm seeing him everywhere.

What sort of coincidence is this? Since when does he take English Lit.

He and Landon Cole are friends. Why am I not surprised. Jerk hanging out with an asshole.

The both of them laughs at whatever joke Landon is spewing. Ethan lifts his head and like a magnet pull his eyes meets mine, his laughs fades into an amusing smile. I keep my gaze on him because I'm very competitive and I like to win. I won't look away until he does, and I know he will because class is about to start.

He doesn't blink, I don't blink. We're engaging in a contest. Landon tries to pull his attention by shaking his shoulder but he doesn't bulge.

I don't wear any emotions on my face to keep me focus.

"All right, settle down everyone," Marklin addresses but I don't care, I'm already settled.

Landon waves his hand in Ethan's face, making him break the connection. He pushes Landon's hand off and his eyes meet mine again. His face is challenging and as much as I would to continue the staring contest, I don't roll with loser who doesn't know when to quit. I've already won, there's no point in a rematch.

He and Landon climb up, not breaking eye contact. They take the seats behind me. This sitting arrangements makes me exposed to him, he will be able to see what's in front of me like this and I do not like it.

Marklin clears his throat, making me focus on him. "Like I said last class, today we will be looking at all the books we've read this semester, first we will talk about Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. You can ask all your questions after the analysis." His gaze travels to me.

He didn't tell me anything about Pride and Prejudice. Othello. He lied to me.

"We've all read the book in the beginning of the semester, who can remind us about it?" Some students hands shoot up like they've been waiting for him to ask. He scans the room for potential student but his gaze settles on me. No, no, no, no, not me, I don't think I remember anything.

"Miss Fries, care to talk about the first chapter of the book?" He asks with the stupidest grin on his face.

He didn't even say the general idea of the book, but a specific chapter.

Why did he have to call my name? He knows that I haven't read anything lately and to think I actually tried my best with Othello.
    
"If you can't answer the question Miss Fries say you can't, stop wasting our time," he tone is indifferent but he tries to mask it with anger, which is working but I've known him my whole life, I know all his tricks. "And to everyone else who doesn't take this seriously, know you only have yourself to blame." 
   
"Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen," I begin, drawing attention to myself. A low chuckle comes behind me but I don't have to look back to know it's Landon's, I ignore them and continue, "the key characters in the first chapter are Mr and Mrs Bennet, talking about Netherfield Park taken by Mr Bingley who is single, Mrs Bennet wants him for one of her daughters, really hoping that he fall in love with Lizzy, Mr Bennet objects saying that his wife favours Lizzy, he loves all his daughters without having to favour anyone. That's all what the first chapter is about."

As far as analysing goes, I know I did a pretty decent job. I haven't read Pride and Prejudice since my first year of college when Darren forced me to read it, Marklin should call me a genius for remembering what the first chapter entails.

I have a very sharp and retentive memory.

A stupid smile covers Marklin's face. He looks impressed and satisfied with my answer, but he isn't done tormenting me.
   
"Care to describe any one of the two characters?" He asks staring at me, the smile still on his face. It's a good thing Dawn-Aurora doesn't take this class, I won't hear the end of how her dad treats me more like his daughter than he treats her.
   
"Mr Bennet was so odd a mixture of quick parts, sarcastic humour, reserve and caprice that the experience of three and twenty years had been insufficient to make his wife understand his character," I quote directly from the book. I didn't enjoy the book enough to know each character traits.
   
"Mrs Bennet was a woman of mean understand, little information and uncertain temper, when she was discontented she fancied her nervous."

Brooklyn Academy of Art. That's where I should have gone, not here where Marklin is a professor but no my brother and best friend wanted to come here, and here I am...alone.
    
"Sounds like you, except you forget to mention cold and feisty, bitch," I hear the whisper behind me.

Landon Cole. Landon fucking Cole.

The boy knows how to get on my nerves. He does stupid things to get a reaction out of me only to threaten me with police. I think half the time he wants to be beaten to pulp because I don't see why I would punch him and instead of staying away from him, he would only come back for me.

I fist my hand and slam it against my desk.

"What are you going to do, Hilsa? Punch me in first of every one, you aren't that stupid, I know–"

I try to keep my composure but the thin thread keeping me at bay snaps and I carry the collection of Richard Wright poems book and get on my feet, turn around to hit him with it.

It all happened so fast.

Landon winces, his hands goes to his cheek as he stares at me in shock, not just him, Ethan looks both shock and surprise.

The rest of the class goes silent.
  
"Miss Fries! Did you just assault a student in class? In my presence?" He doesn't waut for me to answer, "the both of you should see me after class. Mr Cole, are you all right? Do you need to go to the health center?"

Landon doesn't answer him, he looks frozen.

I sink back into my sit, feeling everyone gaze burning on me. I can't look up because I can't bear the look of disappointment on Marklin's face.

Normally I wouldn't care but right now I do because this isn't how I am, I don't act on impulse. Okay maybe sometimes I do but Landon didn't even insult me like he usually did.

Why did I do that?

My eyes drops on my hands, my trembling hands. I press them together and realize how cold they feel. The side of head hurts and my soul burns with guilt.

"Eyes up here people, let's continue."

The rest of the lecture goes by in a blur, I couldn't listen, my gaze was locked on my cold hands. I'm not having a panic attack or anxiety but my mind is crashing like a violent wave and I can't control it.

Facts about animals doesn't come to my head. Finding something to focus my attention in sometimes keeps me calm but not today.

Marklin dismisses the class and everyone packs up their stuff and leave, my head remains down, staring at my hands. I can't look up.

Why did I have to let Landon get to me like that? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?!

I don't have anger issue. I don't have outburst but this year have been bad than I care to admit.

"Are you okay?" A deep voice asks as the body appears beside me.

It's Darren's. We haven't talked in nine months and this is the first thing asks me.

I don't answer or look at him.

He sighs when he realizes I won't answer him, and walks away. I lift my head up slightly to see his shoulder down as he climbs down the steps and leaves the hall.

Someone slams their hand on the hardcover I attacked Landon with. There's only one person I know that has a quote written in Chinese his middle and index finger. I recognize the black ring and those perfectly trimmed and well cared fingers.

Ethan.

"Just when I thought you couldn't get more interesting tigress. You are one hell of a person." He's making a mockery of me and I don't mind, I never cared before I wouldn't start now.

Although he is the last person in the world I want criticizing me, he and I are the same.

I don't bother to answer him as I remove my book from his hold and stand up, pushing past him as I grab my bag and walk to where Marklin is waiting for us.

Marklin has never once looked at me with disappointment, right now it's all he's seeing in me. I came to class today to show him that I'm okay, I'm back to the world where I'm attending classes and here I am.

He can't even look at me.
   
Landon takes his sweet time before joining us.

"I don't care what happened, you will have to see the school disciplinary committee for this, and after that, Hilsa, I want you in my office." His tone hard and angry. He has ever right to be.    
   
He leaves the class and we both follow behind him. We exit the faculty and head to the Chancellor's office, my heart beat faster with each steps we take towards the Chancellor's office because if he should report me I could get expelled. I already have two strikes and I've spent countless of nights in the campus jail because of Landon Cole. Marklin has always been the one to get me out and promise them I wouldn't do it again. He vouched for me.

Almost twelve feet away to where his receptionist seats, he stops walking and faces the both of us. "Mr Cole, I know you're probably tired of me apologizing on her behalf but I assure you that this is the last time she'll try something like this. I am very sorry. If there's anything we can do to make this up please tell me."

"Anything?" Landon must be feeling on top of the world right now, and I hate how Marklin keeps cleaning up my mess.

"Anything."

Landon smirks and looks at me. "You'll soon see my present to you and you will feel it where it hurt the most." It's a promise. Landon is a bully that can't stand his own. He would insult, provoke me to react and when I do, he presents himself as the victim but never have I seen act this way. Tough.

"You aren't going to report right?" He asks Marklin.

Marklin replies with a hesitant head shake. He knows it's his duty to report or give us some kind of disciplinary action but he's letting us go because of me.

Landon nods. "See you next semester, Professor Charles or before, who knows when she'll fuck up again." He leaves after that. The confidence in his tone and walk for dramatic effect confirms that he really has something planned for me.

Nobody knows about my relationship with Marklin, most people think he favours me because... I can't even think about the disgusting reasons they have.
   
When Landon is off our eye distance, I look at Marklin and try to plead my case. "Before you say anything, I swear he called me a cold hearted bitch." He sighs. "Maybe not in words but he insulted me and I couldn't stop myself."

"So you slammed that huge book on his face, you not only assaulted him, you disturbed my class, you know you could get expelled. What if he decides to presses real charges against you Hilsa?–"

"He wouldn't dare." Yeah the campus cops are doing their work but if he should press charges, then I'm screwed.

"There were more than thirty witnesses. Do I need to remind you that this is Landon Cole, the boy you practically turned to your person boxing bag. You do know who is father is, right?"
  
"Yeah, his dad is a senator. I had a senator grandfather too."

That shut him up.

I shouldn't plague on other people's weakness but it's what I'm good at. I never talk about the plane crash or the loss of my family with anyone, not even Marklin. It's his wish for me to get help, I know mentioning something relating to that would divert the attention from what I'd done to what's happened to me.

"Oh Hilsa." His face softens, "is that why you've been on his case? Because his father replaced your grandfather."

That is not how I see this conversation going. I was hoping for some sympathy, not a reason for my actions. And he's wrong, I'm not on his case because of his father. Landon Cole is just a jerk that needs to know not to mess with me.

"I can't believe you just asked me that, what type of person do you think I am? Landon isn't as innocent as you think he is. He–"

"I know, I know, I know. I'm sorry." He wraps his arms around me in a comforting embrace. "I'm sorry."

I hum and pull away. We definitely shouldn't be embracing in school especially when we're just feet away from the Chancellor's office. People don't know our relationship, they will just make assumptions.
 
"I will stay away from Landon if he stays away from him, I promise." And I mean it, I don't go looking for his trouble, it's the other way around and he takes the coward way out when he realizes he can't handle the situation. "So since we've settled that, you are not going to report me?"

"How about you just stay away from him, even if he comes looking for your trouble, ignore him,"

"Okay." I shrug.

"No more fighting, scowling, no stone cold Hilsa–"

I let out a chuckle. "Stone cold? You've heard people call me that?"

People has given me so much odd cold related nicknames that it's hard to keep track of all of them: Stone cold, Hilsa Freeze, Lady Frost, Ice queen.
   
"Everyone knows you as stone cold. Let's be serious, Hilsa, you can't go around punching people, it's not ideal and it doesn't speak well for you. Everyone thinks you're this angry violent woman, please you need to stop." His expression his serious.

He's right. But I don't care what people think of me.

"Fine. Fine, fine, fine." I clasp my hands together and nod. "I'll work on myself, I promise."

He sighs in relief. "Thank you."

My phone vibrates in my pocket. "Excuse me," I tell him and dip my hand into my pocket to remove my phone.

Double tapping the screen, I see a message notification from an unknown number. I unlock it and open the message.

Unknown: Hello, Hilsa.

Unknown: Hilsa. I'm calling you Hilsa because we are not in school. I need your help, please, I don't know where I am, can you please come get me?

Unknown: It's Willow Willow. From school.

What the fuck?
   
I read the message over and over again.

How the hell did she get my number? And who says it's okay for her to message me. "What the–?"
    
"Everything okay?"
    
I click the power button and put it back in my pocket. "Remember the girl I told you about from your sister's school, Willow?"

"The one who is shy?"

I nod. "Yeah, that's one, she just texted me now, saying she's lost and I should come get her. Do I look like someone that find lost children? She thinks because I talk to her in school that we're suddenly besties and she can text me whenever to come get her."

"She's thirteen, Hilsa," he reminds me.

"And?"

"You're talking as if she's older than that. She probably doesn't have anyone else to call, she–"

My phone vibrates again, this time it's ringing.

"Who the fuck–?"

"No cussing, just answer the phone."

I growl and dip my hands into my pocket. An unknown number. It better not be her or I'm seriously going to lose my shit.
    
I answer the call and a whinny crying voice says, "Please, I'm lost," she cries.

"And that has to do with me because? Are you an orphan?"

"Hilsa!" Marklin calls my name in a warning.

I roll my eyes. "Call your family or your friends family, why did you call me? How did you get my number?"
  
"Hilsa," Marklin calls my name again.

Groaning, I succumb. "Fine, where are you? Can you share your location? I'll come find you."

"Come quick," she hangs up.

"What–?" I remove the phone and glare at Marklin. "Can you believe this tiny little shit, she hung up on me, she fucking–" Marklin starts laughing, "what's so funny?"

I'm in crisis and he's laughing.

He shakes his head. "It just look like you've finally found someone who can take you. I like her already, when you two bond, you should bring her over for dinner sometimes," he tease. How dare be tease me at a time like this. I punch his arm playfully. "Ha! Before I forget, I'm having a party tonight, will you be able to make it?"

Tonight.
  
"You are having a party tonight and I'm just hearing about it now?" I'm supposed to be his right hand.
   
He chuckles again like he's liking the turn this conversation took. "I'm glad you're angry for a genuine reason," my phone vibrates, "seems like the address is here."

I look at my screen to an address. That tiny devil, she said she's lost.
    
"Stupid girl," I mutter and address Marklin, "I'll see if I can make it," I say, waving as I walk away but then I remember. "There is something I've been meaning to talk to you about."
    
"Sure, you know you can tell me anything right?" He's the only one I trust.
     
"Edward came to see me two days ago," I start. "And he asked me to move to LA and stay wity him."
  
His mouth drops open. "Ohhhh kay, what did you say?"
  
He is not going to like what I'm going to say. "I haven't said anything but I've thought about it, and I'm going."

"Oh? Oh, oh, you're leaving but you can't go." As predicted he doesn't like my answer. "You can't just go to LA, what about school? what about everyone here who care about you–"
   
"Marklin, I have–"
   
"No! I know you think you don't have anything here but that's wrong, you have me, you don't have to go to LA."

This man doesn't give up. After everything I've put him through, he wouldn't give up on me.
  
"Mark breathe, I'm going after graduation next year," I just made that decision now because he is right after the school stuff. Moving to LA now would be messy, starting over again and all.
   
He smiles. "Really? You are staying till next year, that's better, Dawn's also thinking about moving to Australia with her boyfriend," He says, I open my mouth to say something but he beat me to it. "Don't be late, we'll talk about this later."
    
Did he just mention Dawn and her boyfriend in the same sentence?

Author's note

I am so sorry for the irregular updates. I promise to do better. School has been mentally and physically draining but I'm done now, ready to trade lab coat for bikini 👙 because my summer is just starting. Kidding, not kidding.

I'm a movie geek, so basically I spend all of my free time: watching movie, outlining my NBA/writing, sleeping or listening to favorite artists in repeat but mostly watching movies.

I have some series lined up, please recommend some and movies too;

The Summer I turned pretty Season 2
FUBAR
Thirteen Reasons Why season 3
Bloodhounds (halfway through)
Gotham Knight (halfway through)
Macgyver season 3
Never Have I ever season 4