Past

My entire world had just crashed and burned down to a fucking crisp.  One single phone call ruined my life forever, changing my life and it's course. The same phone call also saved me.

How do I deal with such emotions?

How am I supposed to feel?

These were questions I asked myself but didn't want others giving me the answers because they had no idea how I was feeling which dimmed them unworthy of helping me.

Marklin, that old joke, thought he knew how to help me. So he sent me to a grief counsel. He didn't know me well because if he did, he'd know I never talk about my feelings, I wouldn't call myself shy but I didn't like having eyes on me, it made me anxious.

There I was, sitting with other people that had lost someone. My appearance looked like someone that was grieving. Wearing an extra large gray sweater and matching pants. My hair was packed in a messy bun secured by a pencil I picked at the table that put the treats. My face was puffy and swollen from lack of sleep, not tears.

The counselor kept walking around the circle of the grievers. "Garrick, why don't you go first. Remember, this is a safe space."

Resisting the urge to roll my eyes. I didn't know who Garrick was but I was about to find out.

"My wife," he began, sniffling. My gaze fell on him, he was sitting directly opposite me. "She died in a car wreck, I don't know how to deal with it, she was the better part of me...I...when I got the call, I lost it and–"

Chuckling with no humor, I muttered. "Clearly," It wasn't nice of me to do that but I was spinning out of control with no way to deal with what I've lost.

Drawing attention to myself. Dr. Sanada faced me. "I don't see the humor in this, Miss Fries."

"And I don't see the use of this pathetic little gathering." My reply was rude and mocking to those that are here to do something. I shouldn't have said that but no one will hear me admit that I was wrong.

I half expected Dr. Sanada to be mad but he knew how to keep the stupid encouraging smile on his face. "People deal with grief differently, I understand you're upset but this is your first time here, you shouldn't be making comments on other people's loss."

I knew in that moment that I was done with that bullshit and I was never going back.

I got up on my feet. "Then this is the last place I should be." Everyone had their eyes on me but I wasn't done talking. "Why do I need a mannequin in silk telling me how to deal with my loss? And what the fuck are you all looking at?!"

Woe to you, Hilsa Fries.

Present

The past should stay in the past, right? But no matter how much I try to pretend that the past didn't happen or that I'm okay, I know it's there.

I can't have a present or future without dealing with my past.

Everyone sees me as this angry, headstrong, raging, violent bull but I'm not. I just don't know how to deal with my emotions. One would think after months of isolating myself that I'll finally find a way to deal with it but I haven't and I doubt I ever will.

Feeling like reliving the past today, I haven't done that in a while because I like keeping things where they are. Past in the past.

But why have I been staring at my phone? Specifically the contact of one Evan Shawn, my therapist.

Am I ready to take this step?

I don't know but after last night I couldn't stop thinking about what my life has become. Yes, Landon Cole is a fucking asshole that deserves to have his body skin out and hang those skin as a flag, a monument for those who would dare threaten to cross me.

But I didn't need to stoop to his level. Everytime I punched him, I thought it was justified, I didn't think that it was making me exactly like him and I do not want to be a bully. Been bullied my whole life for being different, I never want to be thought of the way I think about my bullies.

It doesn't mean if he showed up in my face right now that I would punch the asshole.

Taking a deep breath, I click the call button and put the phone on speaker. The phone rings forever and he doesn't pick, his voicemail answers me.

"What am I even doing?" I stuff my phone inside my purse and push the door open to Flops.

I have been standing in front of the Café for ten minutes, it's about time I entered.

Still can't believe I'm here, doing this. What was I thinking agreeing to Ethan's stupid idea to do something fun? I can't remember the last I genuinely had fun, if you don't count staying up late to watch Natgeo, and I finally know who killed Tim Kono. I was right, it was the Bassoon woman. I'm taking a break from watching Only Murders In Building to binge another mystery series about the disappearance of a teenage girl. I can't wait to start and finish that one and return to my Only Murders In The Building.

"Good morning, Hilsa." A familiar voice greets as soon as I step foot inside the cafe.

It's Freddie and she looks good, well, good enough for someone that almost puked half of her organs out last night.

"You're looking well," I comment as soon as I reach her front in front of the counter.

She gives me a smile and it's genuine, something I never thought I would ever seen on her face again. It looks like she's cool with me. What happened between last night and this morning?
 
"Yes! There's nothing a little Aspirin before bed wouldn't do," she answers, "hmm," her expression changes, she sobers up from the excitement. "Ethan said you stayed with me."

"He did?"

Why would he do that? I didn't stay with her.

"I want to say thank you. Last night conversation is kind of blur, I don't remember much but I know I made a total mess of myself and for that I am sorry. I'm also sorry for all the things I said to you, I was angry you didn't see me as a friend but I've come to realize that you can't force people to like you. Please accept my sincerest apology."

Finally she's grown a brain, a working one at that. I'm happy she's calm down and come to her senses, but why does it feel like she's saying goodbye to me?

She didn't exactly say the actual word but when people say shits like 'i've come to realize that you can't force' it means they're done.

It is what I want. What I've been praying for since I first met her. I just wanted her to leave me be but now that I feel like it's finally happening, why does my heart ache at the sound of it?

This is good news. I should be happy, jumping up in excitement but something is off with me.
   
"Coffee to make it up to you?" She asks and I nod.

"Coming right up." She drums her fingers on the counter before pulling away to make my coffee.

"I'm sorry too." The words fly out of my mouth before I can stop them. Making me blink in surprise.

I'm not the only one that think so. Freddie freezes, literally before turning to look at me. Shock is written all of her face.

Since I already said, they're no need to take it back and I can take it forward.

"What?"

I run my tongue on my bottom lip. "I'm sorry for being a such a bitch to you, can't promise I won't be more of a bitch but since you already know that now, you won't have to complain."   
 
"I...umm...I don't... I don't know what to say, you–I... Hilsa, you... It's all right. I want to say I understand why you did it, keep me at arm's length but I don't, and I totally respect your decision. I came on too strong, that was on me."

But it wasn't, she was just being friendly because she's a good person.

"I have a space room in my apartment," I tell her, and she arch her brows. "I overheard you talking to someone about not being comfortable at the frat house." Her face falls in embarrassment. "You can take room if you want."

"I–"

"You don't have to say anything, just think about it. Call it my apology."

She chuckles. "A room is too big of an apology. How about you give me your number and we can talk about it more?"

Red flag. Abort mission. Abort. Abort.

But it's a compulsion, I nod my head and agree, "why not?"

I remove my phone from my purse and notice the messages I've received in the last minutes.
 
Four unread messages from Willow,  and Marklin.

Needywillow: Hey Hilsa, I wanted to say thank you again for yesterday. See you on Monday.
P.S. You are going to braid my hair.

That little shit. See her telling me I am going to braid her hair. I'm not going to do shit and I'm surely going to let her know that we're friends.

I close hers and open Marklin.

Devil (purple devil emoji): Margaret is here, where the hell are you?

Devil (purple devil emoji): It was wrong of me to corner you like that, I should have told you I invited her. I'm sorry. She just wants to make up.

Devil (purple devil emoji): Pick up the phone. At least let me know you're alive. If you don't, I will bring her to your apartment.

He wouldn't dare. He wouldn't dare. If he try that shit with me, I will make him wish he's never been born. He's old enough to be my father but I will show things worse than having a girl that old enough to be his daughter around.

"Hi!" A deep familiar voice pulls me out of my thought, I whip my head to the direction of the voice.

It's him.

He's here.

His whole tall frame in all black. Vest, joggers and combat boots. His jet black hair is tousled, hands having run through them repeatedly.

His blue eyes peering at me. Has always been this... handsome. Why am I just noticing it?

"Hi," I reply.

His eyes sizes me, going from my head and he sure likes what he sees as a smile plays on his lips as he takes me in. He doesn't comment on it though, just goes straight to the point.

"Are you ready?"

I nod. "Yeah, let me get my coffee." I turn to Freddie who's eyes is widen watching us. "Coffee?"

She nods slowly and grabs the coffee off the counter to give me, her eyes switching from Ethan's to mine. Question dancing in her brown eyes.

"Here you go." I collect the coffee from her with a thanks. "It's on the house, my number is written on the cap, I will be expecting your message."

Ethan moves first to get the door for me, I look at him and frown. "Should I be worried?"

He shrugs. "I can still be an asshole if you want."

I shake my head and walk out, his voice calls behind me. "Is that a no to being an asshole?" I don't answer him. "Tigress. Hilsa!"

I should be mad but somehow I find it amusing.

"My car is that way, you beautiful creature!"

Oh dear.