Simula

Going with the Flow

GOODBYE IS A noun meaning a concluding remark or gesture at parting, a taking of leave and one of the most painful word that exist in a dictionary.

I hate goodbyes. I mean who doesn't? We all hate goodbyes. There is no good in goodbyes just like having no fair in farewells.

Nagiging matamis lamang ang mga paalam kung magiging panatag kang muli mong makikita ang taong pinag-paalaaman mo, ngunit kung hindi ay mananatili itong mapait.

Goodbyes are directly linked to endings. It will just make you realized that everything that is happening to you right now, and anything you are a part of—is liable to end some day. Therefore, goodbyes create uncertainty.

Mula sa mga pinaka-payak at simpleng paalam noong tayo ay musmos pa lamang hanggang sa mga pinaka-mahihirap at masasakit ay iisa lamang ang nagiging bunga—sakit, maaaring panandalian at kung minsan ay pangmatagalan.

Heartbreaks became a chain of legacy to my family. From my beloved Grandmother to my precious Mama, and I silently hope atleast not for me.

Isa ito sa mga dahilan kung bakit hindi ko sinubukang umibig mula nang mamulat ako sa reyalidad ng buhay. Sa takot kong maranasan ang pang-habangbuhay na sakit ay pinanatili kong matayog ang pader sa pagitan ko at sa mga taong nasa paligid ko.

I was more comfortable befriending everyone and not investing any feelings to anyone. Mahirap sumubok, madalas ang buhay ay parang isang laro. It takes all the courage and bravery to bet everything and gamble without the assurance of winning. Sugal lang nang sugal kahit pa walang kasiguruhan kung mananalo ba.

Pinalaki ako ni Mama bilang isang masayahin at matatag na babae, every stories from my childhood was being told by my aunties because my Mother wasn't able to tell them all. She is not in a good condition and everytime I am thinking about her causes pain in my heart, at hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan o kung darating pa ba ang araw na hinihintay ko.

The only people that's making my life wonderful is my aunties, Tito Ezekiel and my bestfriend, Gio.

Palihim akong napangiti nang banggitin ko ang pangalang napili kong itawag sa kan'ya noon pa man. He really loves to hear it from me, ako lang raw ang nakaisip no'n kaya ako lang ang may karapatang tumawag sa kanya noon. But sometimes I would prefer calling him by his first name, nakakasosyal kasi.

Natawa ako sa sarili dahil sa lame na dahilan. Hay nako, Resien.

Kaagad akong napakurap nang maramdaman ko ang sakit dahil sa pagkakapitik ng kung sino mang bida-bida.

When I turn to look up, I saw Gio's face grinning. Masama ko itong tinignan bago matamis na nginitian, at gaya ng inaasahan ay nawala ang kanyang ngiti at napalitan ng naguguluhang tingin.

Mag-intay intay ka lang sa pagkilos kong siraulo ka, nananahimik ako rito!

"Mukha kang tanga ka-ngingiti riyan, inlove ka ba?" natatawang tanong niya.

"3... 2..." nagbabanta kong pagbibilang. He immediately realized what I was about to do kaya naman dali-dali na niyang hinuli ang dalawa kong kamay.

"AHHHHHHHH! Bitawan mo ako Lavin Geoffrick! Babawi pa ako sa'yo!" inis na inis kong sigaw.

Nang-aasar lang itong tumatawa at ginagaya ang reaksyon ng aking mukha.

"Ano bang nangyayari rito at ang ingay-ingay niyo ha?" sulpot ni Tito Ezekiel. Kaagad naman na umayos ng tayo si Gio at mabait na tumabi sa akin. Gagantihan ko pa sana siya ngunit nakatingin sa amin si Tito.

"Si Gio kasi Tito, nananahimik ako, tapos namimitik bigla." pagsusumbong ko.

Naiiling naman itong natawa at umupo sa aming harapan.

"Huwag kayong masyadong maingay, nagpapahinga si Ate baka bumuga ng apoy 'yon sinasabi ko sa inyo." pabulong niyang sinabi. Pabiro namang natawa ang aking katabi.

"Ito po kasi eh," inis kong sinabi saka dinuro si Gio. Nagme-make face naman ang loko. Nakakairitang tunay.

Sinuklay ni Tito Ezekiel ang kanyang buhok saka maayos na umupo at seryosong hinarap kami.

"Kayong dalawa, hindi na kayo nagkasundo." pagpupuna niya.

"Pikunin kasi si Resien, Tito." banat ni Gio. Wala naman akong ibang nagawa kung hindi irapan siya at samaan ng tingin.

"Hindi na kayo mga highschool, college na kayo pareho. You Resien on your freshman year habang ikaw naman Lavin junior ka na. Ang kukulit niyo pa ring dalawa." kumakamot sa ulo niyang sinabi.

"Siya kasi!" ako.
"Siya kasi eh!" si Gio.

Nagkatingin kaming dalawa at parehong natawa sa sarili. Sinaluhan naman kami ni Tito Ezekiel sa aming pagtawa. Puro talaga kalokohan.

"Naalala niyo pa ba noong unang beses na nagkita kayo?" Tito randomly asked.

With forehead creased, I looked at Gio being clueless. He just smiled at me and wink.

"Syempre, Tito." he proudly answered.

"Oh sige nga, kailan?"

"Well maybe I think that's when she was in her first grade while I was in my third grade." nakangiti niyang kuwento.

I also smiled when I remember that. He was so kind, gentle and friendly that time kaya kami nagkasundo. Malayong-malayo sa ugali niya ngayon, napaka-mapang-asar.

"Hmm, wrong!" Tito Ezekiel remarked.

Nagkatinginan kaming muli ni Gio at sabay na tiningala si Tito ng may magkasalubong na mga kilay at kunot na noo.

"What do you mean, Tito?"

"You both first met each other at the mall, Lavin's five years old while you are three." he narrated.

Pilit kong inalala ang tagpuang iyon ngunit wala talaga akong maalala, siguro ay masyado na itong matagal at baka totoong madalas na naaalala lang natin sa ating childhood memories ay iyong seven years old pataas na tayo.

"Oh yes! Now I remember." Gio suddenly shouted.

Pareho na lamang kaming natawa ni Tito Ezekiel.

"Talaga? What was your first conversation starter with me?" kuryoso kong tanong. I want to know if he's naturally kind when he was five.

"Hindi mo na naaalala?" tila malungkot niyang tanong.

"Bata pa ako noon, dali na kuwento mo kahit konti." ngayon ay ako naman ang nangulit sa kanya. Nakangiting nagmamasid lang sa amin si Tito.

"I said Hi and gave you a balloon because you we're horribly crying by that time, HAHAHAHA." he laughed hysterically.

Hindi ko man maalala ang pangyayaring iyon ay natawa na lamang ako. I'm not sure if that was also the same day I met my Papa, if it is, parehong memorable pala.

"Ang sama mo," kunwariang nagtatampo kong sinabi. Nagpatuloy lang ito sa pagtawa at ginulo ang aking buhok.

My life only revolves in few people. I was not really the socially active girl but I was approachable. Enough for me not to gain any hate from others.

I was walking my way home when I saw a familiar figure in front of my small apartment. I stopped walking midway and fixed myself before running close to her.

"Tita Iris!" I shouted welcoming her with my arms.

"Resien, sweety." she said giving me a tight hug.

"What brings you here po?" I asked when we both pulled away.

"Wala, can't I visit without any other reason? I just want to check on you and I really missed you." masaya niyang sinabi at muli akong niyakap.

"Tara po sa loob," wika ko saka inakay siya papasok sa aking maliit na bahay.

"Okay ka lang ba talaga dito ha?" may pag-aalala niyang tanong.

I was about to answer when her phone suddenly rang kaya naman sumenyas ito ng sandali upang sagutin ang tawag.

I sighed heavily, everything is stable and completely fine right now. But why does is feels so heavy?

Why does it feel like something isn't right? Like I wasn't happy at all?

I got inside my small apartment and prepared snacks for Tita. Masaya kapag dumadalaw siya pero may mga nakaraang pakiramdam at ala-ala ang bumabalik.

That is why I'm so used to building walls to protect me—to protect myself from any form of danger. May it be physical, mental or worse... emotional.

Ang bawat pagpasok ng mga tao sa buhay ko ay dumadaan lamang sa dalawang yugto. Ang una ay ang simpleng pangangamusta at pagpapakilala, at ang huli... ang pamamaalam.

Sa pangangamusta ay madali lamang, choice ko madalas... ginusto ko. Ngunit sa pamamaalam, walang mapagpipilian.

May mga pamamaalam na hindi naman talaga natin ginugusto pero kailangan. Para sa ikabubuti ng lahat. Para sa ikabubuti ng sarili.

Nakasanayan ko ng mamaalam para maprotektahan ang aking sarili. Hindi ako bumubuo ng malalim na relasyon o samahan sa ibang tao depende na lamang kung konektado talaga kami sa dugo.

"Puwede bang alis-alisin mo 'yang malungkot mong mood habang nandito ako. Para namang hindi ka masaya." biro ni Tita pagpasok niya.

I sighed heavily and smiled at her weakly.

"Napaisip lang Tita," I reasoned out.

"Ano naman ang naisip mo?"

"Puwede magtanong?" I butted in.

"Oo naman, what is it?" aniya saka umupo sa maliit na sink at hinarap ako.

"Why do we have to say goodbye? Why do people always chooses to leave?" I asked... in pain.

Whenever I think of all the people I have loved dearly yet I have to say goodbye to them because of certain instances, I could feel my heart breaking over and over again.

Pakiramdam ko ang tagal-tagal kong magmove on. Pakiramdam ko hirap na hirap akong mag-cope up. Hirap akong mag-adjust at tumanggap.

She combed and fixed my hair giving me a worrying look. "Resien, there is no permanent thing, or people in this world. And time is passing, so we have to adapt. We have to adjust. Sa buhay, patatagan ng loob ang labanan. If you are that weak and fragile, you'll lose." marahan niyang sinabi.

"But goodbyes are painful, ang hirap mag-adjust agad-agad Tita."

"You don't have to rush it. Wala namang nagsabi sa'yong madaliin mo hindi ba? And stop that misconception about goobyes because sometimes saying goodbye is one of the bravest thing to do. You have to embrace the end. Because on the other side, ending is a new beginning. And even if goodbyes are closure, they are also a door, opening and welcoming another chapter in one's life." malinaw niyang sinabi bago hinimas ang aking pisngi at hinalikan ako sa aking noo.

How can I embrace the end? Is that even possible?