Kabanata 2

Defining Fineness

"AYAW MO BA talaga sa akin na lang tumira, Resien?" Tita Katelyn asked. It was one hell of a surprising day that she visited me.

Sa kanilang dalawa ni Tita Iris, siya iyong madalang lamang bumisita. Ngunit wala silang pinagkaiba dahil palagi na lang nila akong kinukumbinsi na tumira sa kanila—which I always refuse.

"Tita, ilang beses ko na pong sinagot 'yan. College na po ako oh, you don't still trust my decisions?" tanong ko habang nag-aasikaso ng aming pagkain.

Niyaya niya akong kumain sa labas pero dahil nature ko na ang pagiging matipid, I suggested na ipagluto ko na lang siya. Masarap naman daw ako magluto sabi ni Gio, that validation is enough for me to have this confidence haha.

"Nag-aalala lang naman ako, living alone is not easy." mahinahon niyang sinabi.

"But I manage to survive, Tita. Bata pa lang ako natuto na akong maging independent. Kaya hindi na mahirap para sa akin ang ganito." I said before sitting on the chair adjacent to her. Iyon naman kasi ang totoo, I grew up independently. What's more I cannot do?

She sighed then shook her head.

"You reminded me so much of your Mother, hindi ko alam kung bakit tila kuhang-kuha mo ang halos lahat ng mayroon siya." umiiling pa rin niyang sinabi, tila hindi makapaniwala.

I diverted my gaze and push the plate towards her.

As much as possible, I don't want to talk about her. Hindi ko pa rin kaya.

It's been half a year since I last visited her. Mula nang malaman kong ipapasok siya roon, I promised myself to visit her consistently. Walang palya, kung kinakailangangang araw-araw gagawin ko.

Not until her doctor suggested to keep her away from everyone who will just remind her of her painful past, which includes me. Her very own daughter.

Masakit man sa kalooban ko ay wala akong nagawa kung hindi ang sumunod. It's for her own good anyway, sino ako para magpilit pa? No matter how much I wanted to see her. No matter how much I long for her embrace, her presence... wala akong puwedeng ibang gawin kung hindi ang maghintay.

"Resien!" Tita shouted, waving her hand in front of her face.

Napakurap-kurap ako bago siya tinignan, "Sorry Tita, what is it again?" I asked. Hindi ko namalayang napatagal na pala ako sa pag-iisip.

"Do you miss her?" tanong niya. Binigyan ko siya ng maliit na ngiti at dahan-dahang tinanguan.

"Of course Tita, who wouldn't?" kaswal kong sagot. Itinatago ang mas mabigat na emosyong maaari kong mailabas.

"We—" she was about to utter a word when we both heard the doorbell rang.

"Ako na po," maagap kong sinabi ng akma siyang tatayo.

Sino naman kaya itong bibisita ng ganitong araw? Daig ko pa ang preso sa dami ng bumibisita sa akin. I'm beyond grateful. Ayaw ko ring maiwan na mag-isa kaya lang ay kung minsan, basta-basta sila kung bumisita. Wala manlang pasabi.

My eyes widened when I saw Tito Ezekiel carrying a bag of groceries behind my apartment's gate bars.

"T-tito!" I said surprisingly. Takang-taka pa rin bakit ang dami niyang dala.

"Resien, Lavin made me bring these groceries. Kapag siya raw kasi ang nagbigay, hindi mo tatanggapin." he commented. Napatango na lang ako bilang pagsang-ayon. Kilala talaga ako ng lalaking 'yon,  ikagagalit ko pa nga kung bibigyan niya ako mismo nito. Mautak ang loko dahil si Tito Ezekiel pa ang pinagdala.

"Resien! Sino 'yan?" sigaw ni Tita. Mula sa aming puwesto ay lumalakas ang kanyang tinig at hindi nakatakas sa aking pandinig ang tunog ng kan'yang takong sa bawat hakbang niya, senyales na papalabas ito.

Inilibot ko ang aking paningin at para akong pinamumuuhan ng mga butil ng pawis sa noo ko.

Uh-oh, not a very good time to see each other.

I gave Tito Ezekiel a worrying look. Biglaan naman kasi ang pagbisita. He wasn't informed that his ex-girlfriend is here. Ex-fiancèe to be exact.

He's looking at me with narrowed eyes at napansin ko rin ang bahagyang pagkalukot ng grocery bags na dala-dala niya. But his face immediately straightened when I felt my auntie beside me.

"Look who's here." she sarcastically stated. I gave her a warning look pero pinagkrus lang niya ang kan'yang mga braso.

Five seconds of silence enveloped the place and to cut it, I widely opened the gate for Tito Ezekiel to be able to get in.

Nang lingunin ko si Tita ay naiirita nito akong tinignan. She's absolutely frowning at me. Ni hindi manlang inalala na baka makita siya ni Tito Ezekiel na may ganoong mukha. Hilaw ko itong nginitian at hindi na lang tinapunan ng tingin ulit.

"Pasok po, Tito." pag-aaya ko. Ngunit agaran ang sunod-sunod niyang pag-iling.

"I have some errands to attend to, kaya hindi na rin ako magtatagal. I just have to hand this to you." he explained giving me the grocery bag. Wala naman akong choice kung hindi tanggapin ito. To think na busy siyang tao at siya pa talaga ang inutusan ni Gio para lang dalhin sa akin ito.

I got a message so I quickly searched for my phone in my pocket.

From: Gio
Have you recieved the grocery? Tito Ezekiel will stay there for a while. Wala raw siyang magawa sa bahay kaya dadaldalin ka niya.

I rolled my eyes, loko-loko talaga. Ilang beses ko nang sinabi na huwag magbigay ng grocery. Hindi naman ako charity. Masyado siyang confident na hindi ko matatanggihan si Tito Ezekiel.

And what? What Gio said is totally different from what Tito Ezekiel told me.

I smirked and look at Tito. Liar! Gusto lang nito makaiwas sa awkwardness eh.

"Ahh, ganoon po ba? Sige po. Salamat po." I said grinning. Tito looked uncomfortable but he manage to remain calm. Nang muli kong lingunan ang aking Tita ay talaga namang walang hiya-hiya niyang ipinangangalandakan pa ang magkasalubong at nakataas niyang mga kilay. Supladita.

Tito cleared his throat kaya naman nakuha niyang muli ang aking atensyon. "I'll get going, take care Resien..." aniya na tumigil pang sandali na tila may hinihintay ngunit kaagad ring tumalikod.

Hindi naman nakatakas sa aking pandinig ang mahinang pag-ismid ng aking Tita bago ito nagmartsang pumasok sa loob. Parang batang nagdadabog.

I just felt sad for her dahil ni hindi manlang siya tinapunan ng tingin ng taong akala niya ay papansinin siya.

"Madalas bang bumisita 'yon rito?" bungad niya pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko. Naka- de kwatro itong nakaupo sa isa sa mga maliit kong sofa sa aking mini sala.

Mabilis ko na munang ibinaba ang grocery bag sa center table bago siya hinarap.

"Why do you care, Tita?" nang-aasar kong tanong. Her face straightened and just whispered something before going back to eating the food I cooked for her.

I let out a small laugh. Those two are still acting like a child. Napaglilipasan na sila ng panahon at hindi naman masyadong halata na hinihintay pa rin nila ang isa't isa. Because if they weren't, edi sana kahit isa manlang sa kanila ay may pamilya na.

Tita Katelyn never bothered to tell me what happened between them. I didn't press her though, it's their life anyway. And they has the right to choose when and to whom they are going to tell their story. Hindi ko lang talaga maiwasang magtaka dahil mukha namang hindi ganoon kalalim ang galit nila sa isa't isa.

What happened to them just made me realized that no matter how much you love the person, no matter how much you are willing to give and offer everything for the person you love—if it isn't God's will. It will not and it will never be.

They used to love each other wholeheartedly, I saw how their eyes sparkled whenever they stare at each other. Everyone thought that they will end up marrying each other. But it faded, and none of us knew what happened. Only the two of them.

"You are really a good cook, your grandma must've train you so well." komento niya. I nooded as I agree. Grandma's the best when it comes to raising the bravest and the toughest women of her matrilineal bloodline.

And I'm still buying it to convince myself that Mama, and I are brave and tough. We are just going on in a painful process in order to be the best. Like a steel sword being molded perfectly before using to become an effective and wonderful armour.

"How's school, Resien?" she asked. Honestly, I thought being checked regularly is one of the most overwhelming feeling in this world. But in my case, nakakasawa rin minsan.

Paulit-ulit akong kinakamusta at paulit-ulit lang rin naman ang nagiging sagot ko.

"I'm doing fine in everything, Tita. Don't worry so much for me. I'm a grown up woman and I can do things on my own." I answered, like a robot. That line was scripted for almost five and a half years.

Yes, I'm doing fine. But I don't feel like being fine. How can this be so heavy when I am actually feeling nothing and empty? How ironic. Am I fine?

I guess I'm still not. I just settled on masking my feelings off and pretending that I'm always fine.

I know that I will never be fine. Except, if my Mama will go home being perfectly fine.