Kabanata 11

Time

I'VE KISSED GUYS before. They are all normal in feeling. You'll just feel the lust and hunger. Without passion.

But Ethan kissing me, felt so surreal. It feels like I have never been ever kissed before. Like a first time. His warm kisses felt home, so I kissed back.

His soft lips is kissing mine carefully. His gripping me tightly on my waist making me feel something very passionate. I once dream of kissing him, and it's happening now. Ngunit pait at sakit ang kaagad na nanoot sa aking dibdib.

I was taken aback and pushed him away.  Hindi na dapat ako nagiging mahina. Fool Gia, bakit ka nagpahalik? At humalik pabalik? Bobita!

I feel like blushing, damn you Ethan! Damn you!

Nag iwas ako ng tingin lalo na ng marinig ko ang mabigat na paghinga nito.

"I'm so—"

He stopped talking after I slapped him.

You still feel sorry after kissing me? Damn you, jerk!

"What? You're driven by your own flesh, huh? What a slave to his libido. Ngayon nagsisisi ka? Stupid." sambit ko dito.

Ang tanga tanga mo! Manghahalik ka nalang ay hihingi ka pa ng patawad!

"No that's not what I mean. You probable misunderstood me. I'm sorry, I thought you're offended by the kiss." agaran nitong paliwanag. Ngunit hindi nagbabago ang galit na nararamdaman ko sa aking dibdib.

"Ang sabi ko kasi umalis ka na kung puro lang sorry ang sasabihin mo! Gago ka!" malakas kong sigaw saka pinaghahampas ito.

Mabilis naman nitong hinuli ang aking mga kamay at pilit akong niyayakap para pakalmahin.

"Umalis ka na! At huwag ka ng bumalik! Wag na wag ka ng magpapakita sa akin kahit kailan!" humahagulgol ko ng sabi. Hindi ko na kaya, ang sakit sakit talaga.

The thing about love is that happiness is not the only thing that you will feel once you decided to feel it . Lalo na kung hindi naman naibabalik ang pagmamahal na naibibigay mo, parang araw araw kang tinatarak ng punyal sa dibdib sa sakit.

And it's sad, to love someone wholeheartedly without them reciprocating it. It's when you happen to know that there's just no hope for you being together yet you still pray to make it work. Even it's hurting you, so much.

It's when your mind says 'let go' but you heart says 'hold on.' It's when you dream of that person almost every night, only to wake up in the morning with tears in your eyes.

And most of all, it's when no matter how you try to forget that person, you just cant because of the fact that you love that person so much and you just don't know why...

Iyak na naman. Palagi nalang umiiyak, pagod na pagod na akong umiyak. Hanggang kailan pa ba?

Kaagad kong pinahid ang mga luha ko at tinulak na muli si Ethan.

"Please, Ethan. Umalis ka na. Simula ng dumating ka ay mas gumugulo lang ang buhay ko. Mabuti pa ng wala ka, ayos lang ako. Hindi yung ganito." mas kalmado ko ng sabi.

Malungkot itong tumingin sa akin.

"Right, I'm always the one causing you pain huh? Kaya mas mabuting wala ako ganon ba? Gusto ko lang naman makausap ka, at magpaliwanag sayo. Baka lang naman maintindihan mo, o sadyang wala ka lang  talagang pakielam?" may halong pait nitong sabi. Kaagad akong napamaang sa kanya.

"How could you say that? Hindi ba't ikaw naman ang umalis? nang wala manlang pasabi? Ni ha, ni ho wala akong narinig mula sa'yo tapos ngayon ako pa ang walang pakielam? Do you hear yourself? Hindi ba't ako ang nagmukhang tanga noon? Nananahimik ako Ethan, tahimik ang buhay ko pero dumating ka diba? Ginulo mo. Ikaw 'tong dumating sa buhay ko, biglang sasabihing gusto ako, araw araw, gabi gabi akong kinakausap tapos kung kailan hulog na hulog na ako saka mo naman iniwan? Diba?" sumisigaw na pagsusumbat ko sa kanya.

I can't take this anymore. Hindi ko na kayang manahimik nalang palagi at magpanggap na ayos lang ako, na matatag ako, na wala akong pakielam.

"That's why I'm here, Gia. I'm willing to chase after you makinig ka lang sa mga paliwanag ko. Is it that hard?"

"Yes!" buo ang loob kong sumagot.

"Yes! It is hard. Hindi ba't nakakapagtakang sa tagal ng panahon ay naisipan mo pang bumalik? Para ano? Magpaliwanag? Hindi ka naman siguro tanga diba? Naisip mo ba na baka hindi na kailangan? Na kung magpapaliwanag ka ay para saan pa ba?"

"Hindi mo na ba ako mahal?" walang alinlangan nitong tanong. He look pained, broken and miserable.

His sudden question caught me off guard. Words left my tongue, I couldn't even say a word now.

Ilang beses pa akong kumurap ngunit katahimikan lang ang bumalot sa aming paligid.

Nakatingin lamang ito sa akin, naghihintay ng sagot.

"Ethan, hindi ganoon kadali 'yon. Bigla ka lang aalis tapos babalik ka. It's making me very frustrated. It's so hard for me to trust you and your words, again."

"Sagutin mo muna ang tanong ko."

Mapait akong ngumiti dito, at saka marahang umiling.

He shifted his weight and he looked startled.

"Hindi na iyon mahalaga pa."