#ABNQ57 Chapter 57

Biglang tumigil ang mundo ko. Parang biglang nais malagot ng hininga ko. Kanina pa nagsusumigaw ang isip ko na umalis na ako, pero hindi makuhang gumalaw ng mga paa ko. Basta ang alam ko, kailangan kong umalis—kailangan naming umalis.

"Joey—" Marcus said but I quickly cut him off.

"Umalis ka na," pakiusap ko.

Umiling siya. "Hindi kita iiwan."

"Marcus, please," nagmamakaawa kong sabi.

Ayokong mag-abot sila. Ayokong mag-usap sila. Ni ayokong nasa iisang lugar sila! Because the last time we were all together in the same place? Iyon ang unang beses na natakot ako kay Psalm...

And I didn't want a rerun of that. Dahil alam ko na hindi ko na sila pwedeng iwasan. Dahil alam ko na kahit ano'ng pagtakbo at pagtatago ang gawin ko, makikita at makikita ko pa rin sila... Kaya masama ba kung hihilingin ko na sana... Sana maging maayos kami sa isa't-isa? Kahit alam ko na napaka-imposible nun.

"Psalm—" sabi ko nang nasa harapan na namin siya. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako magsisimula. Hindi ko na alam kung paano siya kakausapin. Alam ko na ilang taon na ang lumipas, alam ko na mayroon na siyang iba... Pero alam ko rin na kahit na ganoon, mahirap na mapatawad ako.

"I almost believed you when you said that the two of you weren't together," sabi niya habang naka-tingin sa aming dalawa.

Mabilis akong umiling. "We're not together," I said because I didn't want him thinking that after him, I got together with Marcus. Kasi hindi iyon 'yung nangyari. Ayokong isipin niya iyon.

"You don't have to explain. After all, you cheated on me with him."

Parang biglang tumigil ang mundo ko nang marinig ko ang mga sinabi niya. Parang bigla niya na lang akong sinaksak sa dibdib.

"You threw away years of friendship and months of being together. All for him," he said while smiling at us. And it made me sick how he was trying to act like it was all okay. Even though we all know that nothing's ever going to be okay. "It would be such a waste if you two didn't end up together."

Nagsimulang lumabo ang paningin ko.

Nagsimulang sumikip ang dibdib ko.

Gusto kong magsalita, humingi ng tawad, ngunit walang ni isang salita ang lumabas sa bibig ko.

"Joey, tara na," biglang sabi ni Marcus. Mabilis niyang hinawakan iyong kamay ko at hinila ako.

Umiling ako, at mabilis na pinunasan iyong mga tulang nagsisimulang bumagsak mula sa mga mata ko. "C-can we talk?" tanong ko habang naka-tingin sa kanya. Halos hindi na ako maka-hinga. Parang bigla na lang akong tatakasan ng malay, pero gusto ko siyang maka-usap. Gusto kong magpaliwanag. Kahit na alam ko na walang silbi kahit magpaliwanag ako, gusto ko pa ring gawin. Kahit alam ko na wala akong matinong dahilan kung bakit ko nagawa ang mga nagawa ko, gusto ko pa rin na malaman niya. Na kahit kailan, hindi ko sinadya na saktan siya. Na hindi ko pinlano na mangyari lahat ng nangyari.

That sometimes, things just happen.

And I'd forever blame myself for hurting him.

"Joey—"

"Marcus, please," I pleaded. I had been carrying this guilt for years. Pagod na pagod na ako. Pagod na ako na palaging magtago dahil hindi ko kayang makita si Psalm. Dahil alam ko na ako iyong may kasalanan. Dahil guilty ako.

Umiling siya. "Hindi kita iiwan."

Tumingin ako sa kanya. "Iniwan mo na ako dati, 'di ba? Bakit hindi mo na lang ulitin ngayon?" Kitang-kita ko kung paano gumuhit ang sakit sa mga mata niya. Pero kailangan kong gawin ito. Kailangan kong makausap si Psalm. Kailangan kong mailabas lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Dahil hindi ako makakausad sa buhay ko kung lagi kong dala-dala lahat ng pagsisisi ko.

Ibinaling ko ang tingin ko. I couldn't even look Marcus in the eye after what I said to him. I focused on myself, on begging myself to pull it together because I knew that I needed to explain myself, explain what happened... kahit wala ng kwenta.

"Don't hurt her," Marcus told Psalm. "Please."

Nanatili ang mga mata ko kay Psalm. Naka-tingin siya sa akin. Gusto kong lumapit, magsalita, pero wala akong magawa. It felt like the littlest movement would make me run far from him.

Maybe this was the thing with guilt—it would haunt you and eat you alive. Na kahit anong pilit mong 'wag pansinin, unti-unti ka nitong kakainin... hanggang sa hindi mo na makilala ang sarili mo.

"C-can we go somewhere else?"

"No," he quickly answered that it hurt me a bit. Kasi parang dati, kahit ano'ng sabihin ko, kung kaya niyang gawin, gagawin niya... "Kia's waiting for me."

My lips were quivering, my hands shaking. I tried to smile, to mask the pain that I was feeling, but I knew that I couldn't very well pretend that I was okay with everything that's happening in my life.

"What do you want, Joey?" he asked, looking straight into my eyes. My chest was tightening seconds after seconds. I couldn't breathe around him. I felt like my conscience was killing me.

"I... I want to explain."

"I don't need your explanation. You cheated on me. You don't deserve me."

Mabilis na tumulo ang luha ko dahil sa mga sinabi niya. Alam ko na tama siya. Alam ko na mali ako. Pero bawal bang magkamali? Bawal bang magsisi? Bawal bang humingi ng tawad?

"Psalm, alam kong mali ako—"

"If you forgot to text me, that's called a mistake. But cheating on me? That's not a mistake, Joey. Stop justifying your cheating," he said, his jaw clenching. I could see his breathing deepening; I could see the flare of anger in his eyes.

"Hindi ko naman pinlano 'yun, Psalm! Hindi ko naman inisip na lokohin ka!"

Umiling siya. "Joey, you don't just cheat on people! You decided to cheat! For once, stop blaming the circumstances. You chose to cheat on me. Stop making yourself feel better by creating excuses."

I shook my head fervently, with tears streaming down my eyes. "But I didn't! I didn't choose to cheat on you! Psalm naman! You know I loved you! I would never do anything to hurt you deliberately!"

I could see him shaking in anger. I could see the tears slowly forming in his eyes.

Maybe this was the breakup we didn't have years ago.

Maybe this... Maybe this was what we needed.

"Joey, I fucking drove hours just to see you! I was so fucking tired, but I still went to see you because I knew you needed me then! I did everything right... but you really wanted Marcus, right? You just needed me to mess up so that you'd have a reason to choose him."

Umiling ako. "You know that's not true!"

"You have always wanted Marcus. We both know that. Be with him, I don't care. We're done, Joey," sabi niya bago mabilis na tinalikuran ako.

Hindi agad ako naka-galaw. Masyadong mabilis ang mga pangyayari. Mabigat ang paghinga ko dahil sa mga narinig kong salita mula sa kanya, ngunit mabilis ko siyang sinundan nang maka-bawi ako. Mabilis akong tumakbo para maabutan ko siya. Halos madapa ako sa pagtakbo ko, ngunit wala akong pakielam.

"Psalm!" I shouted.

But he didn't stop. He continued walking far from me. I continued to run after him.

"I'm not yet done!" I said, grabbing his arm, and forcing him to look at me. We both had tears in our eyes, but that wouldn't stop me from making him listen to me! I didn't want him to go on living thinking na sinadya ko siyang lokohin!

"Joey, we're done! Five years ago, when you cheated on me, we were done then!" sabi niya habang mabilis na tinatanggal iyong hawak ko sa kanya.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Psalm! Ano bang kailangan kong sabihin para mapatawad mo ako?! Hindi ko naman sinasadya!"

"Joey, you're not sorry you cheated on me! You're sorry because I caught you kissing him!"

Napa-tigil ako.

Bumilis ang pagtulo ng luha ko.

He was looking at me, watching me cry. He didn't move; he just stood there and watched me get myself broken over and over again. I knew I made a mistake, and I knew that I'd carry this guilt for as long as I live... But it hurt to see him watch me break and not do anything about it.

"Every night, I'd still think about what happened. I'd still think why you chose to cheat on me... That maybe because I was the problem, maybe because I didn't do enough... That maybe I pushed you to cheat on me... but you know what? Even when you made things hard for me, even when I couldn't understand you, I never once considered cheating. Because I loved you, Joey. I respected you enough not to do that."

I stood there, crying as I listened to him. I wanted to beg for his forgiveness, but I knew he'd never give me that. I wrecked him. I hurt him. I knew there's no returning after everything I made him go through.

"I don't need your explanation. You don't need my forgiveness. What you need is to find a reason to be able to live with yourself after everything that you did."

I couldn't move.

I couldn't breathe.

Words I couldn't quite resonate.

And when he left, I couldn't run after him anymore... Because I felt like I didn't deserve to run after him. I didn't deserve to explain because he was right. I just wanted to explain because I couldn't live with myself thinking that I cheated on him.

That I did something so horrible to someone who had been nothing but good to me.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na naka-tayo doon. Hindi ko alam kung kailan tumigil ang luha sa pagtulo mula sa mga mata ko.

Napa-tigil ako nang maramdaman ko ang panyo na dumadampi sa mukha ko. Marcus was in front of me, looking at me softly.

"I'm sorry, Joey. I'm sorry you're hurting like this."

But I stood up.

"Please... please stop talking to me, Marcus. I can't look at you. I can't be with you. Every time I'd see you, all you do is to remind me of the biggest mistake I did in my life," sabi ko bago ako nagsimulang maglakad palayo sa kanya.