#ABNQ54 Chapter 54

When I saw my ex approaching, I did the first thing any sane woman would do—I ran. I didn't even look back! Basta ang alam ko lang, kailangan kong makalayo doon! I didn't want to talk to him—not in front of his girlfriend!

Good thing that I was carrying my bag kaya dumiretso na ako sa sasakyan ko. Na-start ko na iyong sasakyan ko nang may biglang kumatok sa bintana ko! Seriously! Balak yata akong patayin sa gulat ng mga tao dito!

"San ka pupunta?" Matt asked.

"Reception," I lied. I was planning to go home, of course! Natapos ko naman iyong pinaka-ceremony! That was already too much for me! Alam ko naman na alam nila na hindi kami okay ni Psalm, kaya bakit ba pinipilit nila? If Psalm's already okay with seeing me, then good for him.

But that wasn't the case for me.

I didn't want to see him.

It reminded me of a lot of things that I'd rather forget.

Matt nodded. "San 'yung reception?"

I gritted my teeth. He knew I was lying. "I wanna go home," I honestly said. I looked into his eyes, desperate for him to feel how this was all too much for me... "Please."

"Joey, we're your friends. You can't avoid us forever."

Hindi ko alam kung ano iyong isasagot ko kasi tama naman siya. Kaibigan ko sila... pero mas lamang sa akin iyong takot, iyong kaba. Mas nanaisin ko pa na magtago kaysa makita si Psalm.

"I'd still like to try," I replied, giving a little smile.

Napailing na lang siya sa 'kin. "Just go to the reception, okay? Kung ayaw mong makausap si Psalm, tatabihan na lang kita buong gabi."

Alam ko na wala naman na akong magagawa kaya pumayag na lang ako. Pinalipat ako ni Matt sa passenger seat habang siya naman ang nagdrive. Binuksan ko iyong radyo dahil ayokong mabingi na naman sa katahimikan. Gusto ko na lang matapos iyong araw na 'to.

Maybe I should start looking for a place for my residency. Kasi kapag busy na ulit ako, mawawalan na ulit ako ng oras mag-isip. Kasi ayoko na mag-isip. Ayoko na ulit isipin iyong mga bagay na nangyari dati. Iyong mga bagay na hindi ko naman na mababago.

Nang makarating kami sa hotel kung saan gaganapin iyong reception, mas lalo lang bumigat ang loob ko. I knew that I was a sucky friend because I wasn't present it almost all the big events in their lives—and I hated that... but I just couldn't be in the same room with him. I just couldn't.

"I don't want to be in the same table as him," sabi ko habang naglalakad kami.

"Fine. Lilipat tayo," Matt said.

"Or I can just go home, you know? Kakausapin ko na lang si Steele. 'Di naman magagalit 'yun."

"How'd you know? You weren't there for years, Joey. You don't know how any of us feels," sabi niya kaya natigilan ako. "You don't know how clueless we were habang nakikita namin si Psalm na miserable. Na gusto namin siyang tulungan pero ayaw niyang sabihin kung paano."

Bahagyang umawang ang bibig ko.

Gusto kong humingi ng tawad, pero hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula. Kasi hindi ko rin alam kung saan nagsimula. Kung bakit umabot kami sa ganito.

"I'm sorry," I offered.

"We don't need your apology or your explanation. Kung ayaw mong sabihin, fine. But stop ghosting on us. It's bad enough that Kitty's not around, 'wag ka naman gumaya."

I bit my lower lip. Alam ko na hindi nila deserve iyong ginawa ko na bigla na lang akong nawala. Pero ang magagawa ko? It's either that o si Psalm ang hindi magpapakita sa kanila. And I just did what I thought was the better choice... Psalm needed them. And I didn't deserve them after everything that happened.

Pagdating namin sa loob ng venue, nakita kong naghanap na agad si Matt ng pwede naming upuan.

"Tara," I said, looking at the table reserved for us.

"I thought—"

"You're right; enough running. I can't avoid all of you forever," I said, offering a small smile. Nagsimula na kaming maglakad. Ramdam ko iyong panginginig ng mga kamay ko. The nearer we got, the more my heart started thumping wildly inside my chest...

Ganito siguro talaga kapag guilty. Na kahit wala pang nangyayari, kinakabahan ka na. Kasi alam mo na ikaw 'yung may kasalanan.

Napahinto sila nang makita nila kaming dalawa ni Matt. Anj and Simon were smiling at us. Kia was frowning—to hell with her. Psalm? Hindi ko nagawang tumingin sa kanya. Even his mere presence was already throwing me off. Baka bigla na lang akong mapa-takbo na naman kapag nakita ko ang mukha niya.

"Hey," Simon said. "Akala ko aalis ka na naman."

I grinned. "Almost. Kinorner ako ni Matt."

Naupo ako sa gitna ni Anj at Matt. Katabi ni Matt si Psalm, tapos katabi naman ni Psalm si Kia. Mas mabuti na 'to kaysa nasa harap ko mismo si Psalm.

"So... ang tagal na nung huling na-kumpleto tayo!" Anj said, smiling.

Unfortunately, nasa harap ko si Kia kaya kitang-kita ko kung paano siya sumimangot sa bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig ni Anj. Sobrang tempted ako na batuhin siya nung tinidor. Sabit lang naman siya dito kaya bakit ba sobrang attitude niya?

I smiled awkwardly. Ang lungkot kapag awkward ka na sa mga tao na dati sobrang kumportable mo. Pero minsan, ganoon talaga. Because growing up also means growing apart...

They'd always be my friends, but I knew, deep inside me, that some things just changed permanently. Hindi na talaga kagaya ng dati. Sobrang guarded na. Kasi ang dami ng nangyari. Kasi kahit walang kampihan na naganap, alam ko na sinisisi nila ako. Kasi ganoon din ang ginagawa ko. Sinisisi ko iyong sarili ko kung bakit ganito.

"Magsisimula ka na ba agad magtrabaho?" Simon asked.

I shook my head. "Hindi pa. Nag-iisip pa ako kung saan ako magreresidency," tipid na sagot ko. I didn't like how the spotlight was on me, but I couldn't blame them. For five years, they heard nothing from me. It was expected that they'd want to know what I was up to.

"Ilang years nga 'yung residency?"

"Three to five years. Depende," I replied.

Matt grimaced. "Sobrang nerd. 'Di ka pa ba sawa mag-aral?"

I just smiled. Napapagod naman din akong mag-aral. But with the way my life was going, I'd rather study than to confront all my problems. Matagal ko nang tanggap na ako iyong problema. Kasi bakit palaging ako 'yung iniiwan? Dati, akala ko kawawa lang talaga ako... pero naisip ko, baka ako lang talaga 'yung problema. Kasi nung iniwan ako ni Steele, naging masaya na siya kay Andrea... Nung naghiwalay kami ni Psalm, mukhang okay naman siya kay Kia...

Maybe I was the problem.

And so long as I was the problem, I'd never get in another relationship. I didn't want a rerun of all the heartache and the drama. Kasi doon lang naman babagsak hanggang alam ko sa sarili ko na marami akong problema.

"I'll just go to the rest room," sabi ko. Naka-tingin sila sa akin na parang nagdududa na aalis ako kaya naman tinuro ko iyong bag ko. Hindi naman ako makakaalis na wala iyong bag ko.

Mabilis akong pumunta sa restroom. I didn't even know why I went here. I guess I just needed room to breathe. Kasi kahit hindi nagsasalita si Psalm, ramdam ko iyong presensya niya. Na nandun lang siya, nakikinig sa bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig ko.

Pagbalik ko, hindi agad ako naka-balik sa pwesto ko dahil nagsimulang maglakad iyong mga babae papunta sa gitna. I was pushed and swayed until I just found myself in the middle of the swarm.

"Let's see who the next bride will be," sabi nung host.

Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Hell, no! Sinubukan kong umalis dahil wala akong balak makipag-agawan sa boquet! Pero dahil masyadong nagkakagulo iyong mga babae, mas lalo lang akong natulak!

"Shit!" I cursed when the fucking bouquet landed on my hands! Sa sobrang gulat ko, nalaglag ko siya sa sahig. It was like I was burned at the touch of it! Bakit ba kasi sa akin napunta? Did I look happy? Because I sure as hell didn't feel happy!

"Looks like the friend of the groom is the next bride!" sabi nung host habang pinapalapit ako sa gitna. Steele looked horrified habang naglalakad ako. "What's your name?"

"Joey," tipid kong sabi.

"Well, Joey, let's find out kung sino ang future groom mo!" sabi niya.

I stood there uncomfortably as I watched Steele get the garter using his teeth. Sobrang awkward! Bakit ba ako nalalagay sa ganitong sitwasyon?! Nang makuha na iyon ni Steele, laking gulat ko nung hindi niya na hinintay na pumunta lahat ng lalaki sa gitna. He fucking threw it right at Psalm's face!

"You fucking—"

Steele grinned. "That's your wedding gift to me," sabi niya.

"I got you a microwave!"

Andrea smiled. "Just dance with the guy, Joey. For the last five years, I'd seen him consume so much alcohol. Baka siya pa ang una mong maging pasyente. Pati pala itong asawa ko dahil sabay silang umiinom palagi."

I glared at Steele. "I'm taking the microwave back!" sabi ko habang tinutulak nila akong dalawa papunta sa gitna.

Everyone we knew was cheering habang naglalakad ako papunta sa gitna. I guessed they were enjoying my misery because I most certainly wasn't enjoying this.

You are my favorite everything

Been telling you that since 2015

Shut up, I love you

You're my best friend

Nagsimulang kumabog ang dibdib ko nang maka-harap ko na siya. Sinubukan ko na 'wag tignan ang mga mata niya, pero wala akong nagawa. He's right there, in front of me.

And suddenly, there's nowhere left to run.

He took a step forward. I almost took a step backward.

"Where's Marcus?" he asked as he was just a few inch away from me. Pinilit ko ang sarili ko na magpakatatag habang nandyan siya sa harap ko. I shouldn't break down in front of him. I shouldn't let him see me weak. Not now. Not after everything.

"We're not together," I answered.

He looked at me with indifference. Na parang wala na siyang pakielam sa akin... And I didn't know what to make of it. Kasi ano ba ang mas gusto ko? Na magalit siya dahil sa mga ginawa ko? O ang makita na ganito na parang wala na siyang pakielam sa akin?

"Why not?" he asked, as he got my hand, and placed it on his shoulder. "You two deserve each other."