#ABNQ53 Chapter 53

I didn't know how I managed to go home unscathed after my encounter with him. It's been too long since I last saw him. Hindi ko alam kung paano namin nagawang hindi magkita kahit na pareho lang ang mga kaibigan namin. I guess that's how badly we didn't want to see each other. We were just in-synch. Kapag may kailangan akong puntahan, automatic na wala siya. Kapag alam ko na mas mahala iyong presensya niya, automatic na may naka-handa na akong dahilan kung bakit hindi ako makaka-punta.

I knew he hated me.

I made him hate me.

Wrong choices; stupid feelings—these two were never a good mix.

Pag-uwi ko sa bahay, hindi agad ako naka-labas ng sasakyan. Kitang-kita ko iyong sasakyan ng mga kaibigan ko kaya alam ko na nasa loob sila. I was somehow tempted to just drive away again, but somehow managed to decide against it. Ilang buwan ko na ba silang hindi nakaka-usap? I always had a reason at my disposal kung bakit lagi akong busy. Puro may duty ako, may aaralin pa ako. I guess I finally ran out of things to say.

"Congratulations!" sigaw nila pagpasok ko pa lang.

I smiled. I was happy, sure, but the encounter earlier with Psalm kinda dampened my mood. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon, apektado pa rin ako sa mga salitang lumabas sa bibig niya.

'Remember Joey?'

Wow.

I knew five years was a long time, but it certainly wasn't long enough to forget someone who fucking broke your heart. Someone who made you beg para lang 'wag kang iwan.

"Thank you," tipid kong sabi habang inililibot ko iyong tingin ko. May banner pa na naka-lagay para sa akin. May mga pagkain din na naka-handa. "Sino nag-ayos nito?" nagtataka kong tanong. Kaka-labas lang ng resulta. Ang bilis naman nilang mag-ayos kung sakali.

"This was planned months ago," Anj said.

I arched a brow. "Really."

She nodded. "We knew you'd pass. Ilang buwan mo nga kaming pinagtaguan para mag-aral, e."

I pursed my lips. "Sorry," sagot ko dahil hindi ko alam kung ano pa 'yung sasabihin ko. Hindi ko naman gusto na iwasan sila... It's just that I couldn't see Psalm. And he definitely couldn't see me. There was just too many problems between us that we both unconsciously decided that it was better not to see each other anymore.

I couldn't even remember if we broke up. All I could remember was that look on his face... How that scared me... How I knew that from then on, there's no backing down. That I already dug way too deep to get myself out of the shit I got myself into.

"You're forgiven..." she said. "If you go to Steele's wedding this Sunday."

Mabilis na napaawang na naman iyong labi ko.

"Please stop being a shitty friend, Joey," she said. "You're a doctor already. Magpakita ka naman. We miss you, you know?"

I missed a lot of things in my friends' life. Wala ako nung magbukas ng branch iyong resto ni Matt. Wala ako nung magbreak sandali si Andre at Steele. Wala ako nung ma-engage si Anj. Wala ako nung nagpakasal siya. Wala ako nung nagcelebrate dahil lawyer na si Kitty. Wala ako nung finally may pinakilalang babae sa amin si Simon. Wala ako nung nagplano iyong buong barkada kung papaano magpo-propose si Steele.

I missed on a lot of things... And even though I try to tell myself that it's because I was busy chasing on my dream, I knew it's nothing but a lie. I just couldn't see Psalm. I couldn't.

"Okay," mahinang sagot ko.

"Talaga?"

Tumango ako. "I'll be there," I said. "I promise I'll be there."

She smiled. "I'll hold onto that. And don't worry if Psalm's there..." sabi niya. Pinili ko na hindi na magsalita. No one knew why we broke up. Basta nagulat na lang sila, wala na kami. Burado lahat ng picture, lahat ng mensahe.

We just deleted everything.

Tried to bury everything.

He deleted those first... I just followed because... Because I felt fucking guilty. And angry. I didn't know what to feel. I didn't know who to blame. I just tried to bury everything, and focused on what's still in front of me.

Pagkatapos naming mag-usap ni Anj, kinausap ko iyong ibang mga bisita. I tried to smile so hard even though I knew I shouldn't be smiling. There were so many things in my life that weren't going right. It felt so wrong to celebrate when Kitty wasn't even here—when I couldn't even talk to Jax because of everything that happened.

Being an adult sucked.

Because you're forced to confront the harsh realities of life. Because there's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Not anymore. Your only choice is to either survive or to give up... And sometimes, the latter sounds more enticing.

Because you know? Life generally just sucks.

* * *

After the party, I retired in my room. It had been a long while since I talked to that many people. Ever since I started reviewing for the exam, wala na talaga akong nakausap. I buried myself in books just to try to forget about my problems. And it worked. Doktor na ako... but the funny thing about avoiding your problems is that they never actually go away. You can ignore them all you want, but at the end of the day, they're still there, haunting the shit out of you.

I got my phone to reply to all the congratulatory messages. Pumunta din ako sandali sa facebook nang madaan ako sa post ng school ko. And there he was... smiling like he didn't ruin someone's life.

Nakakatawa lang na iyong akala mo mabait, hindi naman pala. Kasi sasaktan ka lang, papaasahin... Tapos iiwan sa ere. At ang mahirap pa, hindi ka handa. Kasi hindi mo akalain na kaya niya pa lang gawin. Pero kaya niya pala. Kasi nagawa nga niya sa 'yo, e.

Mabilis kong pinatay iyong cellphone ko dahil alam ko na patuloy ko lang na makikita iyong mukha niya sa newsfeed ko. Topnotcher, e. Puro utak, kinulang sa puso.

Thankfully, I fell asleep quickly because of how tired I was. The next few days were just me trying to decide which hospital I'd do my residency in. Hindi agad ako makapagdesisyon hanggang hindi ko alam kung saan pupunta si Marcus. I already endured 6 years with him in the same fucking vicinity with me; I didn't want to add few more years.

Days passed by so quickly na hindi ko namalayan na kasal na pala ni Steele at Andrea.

"Where are you?" tanong agad sa akin ni Anj pagka-sagot ko pa lang sa tawag niya.

"Mall. Bought a gift," I replied. "I already told you na pupunta ako, 'di ba?"

"Just checking. You have a history of ditching people, you know?" she said that made me want to hang up on her. "You know the location, right? See you asap!" sabi niya sabay baba sa tawag.

Begrudgingly, I drove to the location. I was just wearing a pale rose dress and a low-heeled shoes. I didn't know what to expect. Medyo matagal na rin simula nang huli ko silang makita. Alam ko naman na naiintindihan nila ako, pero alam ko rin na masama ang loob nila sa 'kin... Not that I blame them because I knew I did this myself.

Pagdating ko roon, hindi agad ako naka-labas ng sasakyan.

"Calm down, you stupid bitch," I told myself. I tried to play relaxing music for a while before I finally figured that nothing could ever calm me down.

I'd see him.

I'd have to face him.

And there's nowhere to run to.

Pagpasok ko pa lang sa venue, marami na agad akong nakitang pamilyar na mukha. Parang may naka-ukit na na ngiti sa mukha ko. No one knew the real reason why we broke up.

"Buhay ka pa pala," sabi ni Matt pagka-kita sa 'kin.

I frowned. "Hello din sa 'yo."

He eyed me. "Congrats."

"Thanks."

Pareho kaming sandaling natahimik. Hindi namin alam kung ano ang sasabihin. It was just weird—all of it. I was in the wedding of my ex boyfriend, and I was shitting in my dress because I didn't want to see my other ex.

I really got the whole package.

Thankfully, nagsimula na iyong ceremony. Pilit akong hinila ni Anj para sa harapan kami maupo. Wala akong ibang choice kung hindi ang makita si Psalm dahil nasa harapan ko siya mismo. He was Steele's best man.

Buong ceremony, pinilit ko na sa pari lang ako naka-tingin. I concentrated so hard na nagulat ako nang sabihin sa akin ni Anj na tatayo na kami para magpicture.

"Congrats," bati ko nang lumapit ako sa bride at groom.

Steele smiled. "Thanks! Akala ko 'di ka makakapunta."

I awkwardly smiled. "Sobrang busy lang," I said. He just nodded. Alam niya na 'yun.

"Closer!" the photographer instructed. Sabay-sabay kaming umayos, pero nanadya yata iyong photographer dahil pina-palipat niya si Psalm sa tabi ko para daw balanced tignan!

I was gritting my teeth so hard. Napa-tingin ako sa mga kasama namin. At saka ko lang napansin na lahat kami ay biglang hindi maka-galaw dahil sa narinig namin. I guess Psalm and I weren't the only ones affected by this.

"Isang picture lang!" Anj hissed at my ears. She signaled Psalm para pumunta sa tabi ko. I felt myself stiffening even more nang maramdaman ko siya sa mismong gilid ko.

"Kasal ba 'to o burol?" tanong nung photographer. "Ngiti naman d'yan!"

I probably looked so stupid, trying to smile for the sake of the camera. Nang matapos iyong pagkuha ng litrato, mabilis akong umalis sa pwesto ko. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako kabilis pero mabilis kong natagpuan iyong sarili ko na nasa labas na ng simbahan.

Pero agad akong napa-hinto nang makita ko si Kia.

"I thought I'd never see your face again," sabi niya nang makita ako.

I tried to calm myself, but I realized that why should I? I hadn't seen this bitch for years! Tapos ganito ang bungad niya sa akin? It's not like I did something wrong to her para ganito siya magsalita!

"This is my friend's wedding. Sino ka ba? Plus one ka lang naman," sabi ko habang diretsong naka-tingin sa mga mata niya. She hated me, it was obvious. Pero bakit? Hindi ko na nakakausap pa si Psalm simula nung naghiwalay kami. It wasn't as if I was actively seducing him para magalit siya nang ganito sa 'kin.

"Stay away from Psalm," she threatened.

I smiled at her. "Honey, if I want Psalm, there's nothing you can do about it."

"He hates you! You ruined him! He doesn't want you anymore!" sigaw niya.

"Then why are you so pressed?" tanong ko sa kanya nang makita kong papalapit sa amin si Psalm.