#ABNQ51 Chapter 51

It was a new day. Another day to get over with.

Mabilis akong bumangon mula sa kama. My head was still pounding from the lack of sleep. You'd think that since for the past six years, I'd been running on three hours of sleep, sanay na ako. But they still were days when I felt like I couldn't function properly, but there's really nothing I could do but to power through.

Gusto ko 'to.

Ginusto ko 'to.

I had to give everything up for this, so there's no way I'd stop now.

"Good morning," bati ko kila Mama.

"Masakit pa rin ang ulo mo?" tanong niya.

Umiling ako. The last thing I needed was for her to worry about me. Alam ko na sobra na siyang nag-aalala dahil sa mga nangyayari kay Jax kaya hindi niya na kailangan na alalahanin pa ako.

I was fine... or, at least, I'd like to think that I am.

I sat down with them, and we tried to eat a normal breakfast. We talked about neutral topics—anything but about Jax because I didn't want to give my parents aneurism.

"What are your plans after?" tanong ni Papa. He's the one who was obviously trying to keep this family afloat because God knows that ever since Jax decided to make an enemy of the most affluent and corrupt family in the country, palagi na lang mainit ang ulo ni Mama.

I shrugged. "Moonlighting, perhaps..."

"Akala ko sigurado ka na sa anesthesiology?" he asked.

"Yeah... but I might try OB din," sagot ko. I really liked working in pedia, so I decided that I might have that for my residency... But I was still deciding on things. One thing I realize is that when it's about important things, I should take my time. Hindi dapat ako pabigla bigla; hindi dapat puro puso. Minsan kasi, ang tanga lang ng puso.

"Have you thought about saan ka magreresidency?" Papa asked. "Marcus—"

"Pa," I cut him off. I didn't like talking about him. Every time I'd think about him, it felt like there's this bile rising up my throat. Alam ko na hindi ako dapat magalit sa kanya... but fuck him.

I felt so fucking betrayed.

I felt so fucking stupid.

"He's still set on pursuing neuro," Papa said.

I nodded. "Good for him," sabi ko, at saka mabilis na hinigop iyong kape. Good thing Papa finally realized how badly I didn't want to talk about him.

Pagkatapos kong kumain, mabilis akong umakyat para magpalit. I knew that today's the gonna be the release of the board exam. I tried to be calm about it, but I was so stressed. Tatlong buwan akong nagkulong para magreview. I knew I did my best, but I still couldn't help but worry if I studied enough. What if may mga mali akong nasagutan? What if hindi ako pumasa? What if the past years would end up as a waste?

Fuck! Ayan na naman! My mind's wandering to places I didn't even want to go to!

I quickly grab my jacket and keys. I didn't want to wait in agony for the result. Baka bago pa lumabas iyon e mamatay na ako sa sobrang kaba. Pagbaba ko, hindi ko nakita sila Papa. Malamang kinakalma niya na naman si Mama na malapit na talagang magka-sakit dahil kay Jax. Mabilis akong lumabas para kunin ang sasakyan ko.

I didn't know where I'd go. I even turned my phone off because I didn't want anyone texting me about the result. I just began to drive and kept on driving without any real destination in my mind.

All I knew was that this moment, I just wanted to be alone.

Patuloy akong nagdrive hanggang sa makarating ako sa Batangas. I'd been here a few times when I was still doing my clerkship. I kept on driving until I found a beach resort. Mabilis akong nagcheck-in. Nagtataka iyong babae sa akin dahil wala akong dalang kahit ano. Literal na sarili ko lang, phone, susi, at wallet ang meron ako. Pagdating ko sa kwarto, iniwan ko iyong phone ko para pumunta sa dalampasigan. Naupo ako doon habang pinapanood na humampas ang mga alon.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na naka-tingin sa dagat hanggang sa unti-unti kong maramdaman ang pagpatak ng ulan. Tumayo ako, at nagsimulang maglakad pabalik sa kwarto ko.

Pagpasok ko, nagpalit ako ng bathrobe dahil hindi ako pwedeng magkasakit. I already had a lot of things I worry about, and the last thing I needed was to tend to my sick self. Binuksan ko iyong TV, pero mabilis ko ring nilipat ang channel nang mapunta ako sa balita tungkol sa paglabas ng results ng physician licensure exam. I ended up watching a movie hanggang sa makatulog ako.

The next morning, my body was immediately looking for coffee kaya naman mabilis akong naghanap ng mabibilhan. But for fuck's sake, walang kape! Puro buko at fresh juice ang binibigay sa 'kin! Ano'ng klase bang resort 'to!

"Great," I uttered to myself as I went back to my room to gather my things. Mamaya pang 12 noon iyong check out ko, pero kailangan ko na talaga ng kape. For the past 6 years, I'd been way too independent on coffee na feeling ko kapag hindi agad ako naka-inom, magwiwithdrawal na agad ako.

I drove back, looking for the nearest Starbucks or Coffee bean. Ilang minuto na akong nagda-drive pero wala pa rin akong nakikita. I was so fucking tempted to open my phone to look for directions, but I contained myself. By now, alam ko na lumabas na iyong result. My heart was beating wildly inside my chest, and my mind was wandering dangerously. God, feeling ko anytime mamamatay na ako sa sobrang kaba.

After a few more minutes of driving aimlessly, I finally decided to open my phone. It kept on buzzing, and I didn't know if it was a good or bad sign. Pwede na nagtetext sila ng congratulations... pwede rin naman na nagsasabi sila na 'You can do better next time.'

Shit! Bakit ba sobrang nakakamatay maghintay ng resulta ng board exam!

I ignored all the texts, and went to Waze. Unfortunately, nasa gitna pala talaga ako ng kawalan. Ilang kilometro pa bago iyong pinaka-malapit na coffee shop kaya naman nagdesisyon na ako na bumalik sa Manila.

Pinatay ko muli iyong cellphone ko bago ako huminto sa unang gas station na nakita ko sa expressway. I badly needed coffee! Mabilis akong nagpark para pumunta sa coffee shop. Naka-pila ako nang biglang may tumawag sa pangalan ko.

"Joey!"

Paglingon ko, agad kong nakita si Mandy. Siya iyong isa sa mga naging kaibigan ko sa medschool. I wasn't really close with anyone in med school because of some circumstances that I was trying to block inside my head.

"Hey," sabi ko habang alangan na ngumiti sa kanya.

"Have you seen the result?" she asked. I shook my head, but by the look on her face, alam ko na agad na pumasa siya. She was practically bounding on her feet.

"Congrats!" masayang sabi ko sa kanya. I knew she deserved it—heck, all med students deserved that MD at the end of their names. Hindi biro lahat ng hirap na pinagdaanan namin para lang makarating kami sa dulo. Ilang gabing walang tulog, ilang okasyon na hindi napuntahan, ilang relasyon na nasira para lang maabot ang pangarap.

Nakakatawa.

Lahat pala 'yun nagawa ko.

"Thank you!" she said. "Have you heard? Diane and Cha passed! And si Marcus, grabe! Top notcher!" she said. My face automatically soured at the mention of his name. Mabilis na napansin iyon ni Mandy kaya tumigil agad siya. She awkwardly smiled at me as a form of apology. "Ikaw ba?"

Umiling ako. "Di ko pa alam."

"If I were you, buksan mo na. Waiting is torture. At least kapag alam mo na, ma-pa-process mo na agad. Mapag-iisipan mo na 'yung next na gagawin mo," she said, offering a small smile.

"Yeah, thanks," I said. Thankfully, it was my turn to order kaya naman ibinaling ko sa barista iyong atensyon ko. I got myself tea because I needed to calm my shit. Pagka-kuha ko pa lang ng order ko, mabilis na akong naglakad palabas ng coffee shop dahil hindi ko na kaya na makipag-usap sa kanya dahil mas lalo lang akong kakabahan.

"Okay," I told myself as I was walking towards my car. "If I pass, then great. Makakapag-isip muna ako kung saan ako pupunta..." I said. "But if I failed," I said as a little part of my heart ached so bad. "If I failed..." I croaked. "It's okay. I know I did my best. Baka hindi pa 'to 'yung tamang oras."

I learned to believe in right timings. I learned to elieve in not forcing things to happen. Kasi kapag pinilit mo, it would just end up blowing on your face. Kasi hindi pa oras; kasi hindi pa dapat. Kaya dapat matutong maghintay sa tamang panahon kasi kung para sa 'yo, dadating kung dapat siyang dumating.

So, with my hands trembling so bad, I whipped out my phone and began to look for the result. My heart was beating so wild na parang naririnig ko na iyong bawat tibok niya. I stopped walking when I began to scroll down para hanapin iyong apelido ko.

"Shit," I said nang papalapit na ako sa Yuchengco. "You did your best. Hindi katapusan ng mundo kung bumagsak ako."

But I knew I was talking shit. I wanted this so fucking bad! Ang daming nawala sa akin para makarating ako dito! Kailangan ko 'tong makuha! Kailangan kong maging doctor! I deserved this!

1061 Yuchengco, Jocelyn Alexandra Castillano

Holy shit.

Oh, my God.

Nanginginig ang buong sistema ko habang tinitignan iyong resulta sa harapan ko. Ilang beses akong kumurap. Ilang beses akong kumuha ng screenshot dahil sa takot na baka mali lang sila ng lagay. Muntik ko nang sampalin ang sarili ko para lang masigurado na hindi ako nananaginip.

I began walking again. I needed to get inside my car because my knees were so weak. Pakiramdam ko bigla na lang akong mapapaupo sa sahig dahil sa sari-saring emosyon na nararamdaman ko. But as I continued to walk, I accidentally bumped onto someone.

"Oh, my god, I'm so—" sabi ko nang matapon ko iyong mainit na tsaang iniinom ko.

Biglang hindi ako makagalaw.

Biglang hindi ako maka-hinga.

Suddenly, all my senses were attuned to him—to the man in front of me.

It's been 5 years since I last saw him.

"Joey," he said, looking at me like he didn't love me before. Like he didn't beg me to stay with him. It's funny what anger could do to someone.

Hindi ako agad naka-sagot... lalo na nang lumipat ang tingin ko sa pamilyar na babaeng kasama niya.

"Kia, remember Joey?" he just needed to fucking say that.

Quickly, I composed myself. If only I were dressed properly, but I was just on my t-shirt and running shorts. This wasn't how I pictured bumping into him after all these years.

I looked him in the eye, and smiled. "Dra. Joey Yuchengco," I corrected him.