#ABNQ41 Chapter 41

I tried calling Psalm, but he wasn't answering. I tried calling the guys, too, but they weren't also answering. I guessed that they were already too hammered to care about anything kaya naman nagbasa na lang ako hanggang sa maka-tulog ako.

Kinabukasan, nagising ako nang maramdaman ko na nagva-vibrate iyong phone ko sa bedside table. I quickly grabbed it, and answered.

"Hello?" I answered with my raspy voice. My eyes were still closed because I was finally feeling all the stress that I got from the finals week. Pati habang mas lumalapit iyong NMAT, pakiramdam ko talaga nagsisikip iyong dibdib ko. That's how stressed I freaking was!

"Hey..." Psalm said. It was obvious that he just woke up, too. "Just saw your texts."

Kahit inaantok ako, pinilit ko na buksan iyong mga mata ko, at saka naupo ako sa kama. I needed to talk to him about this. I knew that Psalm would say okay, but deep inside, he'd feel threatened by Marcus. Alam ko na ganoon iyong mangyayari kasi ganoon si Psalm. He wouldn't tell me that he's having a hard time basta masunod lang iyong gusto ko.

"Ano'ng oras kayo nakauwi?" I asked, standing up, and getting myself a glass of water.

"3am? I can't remember," he said, then yawned. "I know I told you I'd reply, but Matt got our phones."

I rolled my eyes. For sure kaya niya kinuha kasi ayaw niya na nag-iinuman sila tapos si Steele ka-text si Andrea tapos si Psalm naman ay ka-text ako. Minsan iniisip ko nagseselos si Matt sa amin ni Andrea kasi 'inaagaw' namin iyong mga kalaro niya.

"Kinda figured it our nung walang nagrereply sa inyo," I said. "Uhm... about my text," I continued, then bit my lower lip. "Are you free later ng lunch?"

There was a pause from his end. Like he knew that there's something serious that I needed to say.

"I thought Wednesday?" he asked.

I bit my lower lip. "Yeah... May sasabihin ako, e," sagot ko.

"All right," sagot niya. "Just pick a place near you, so that you can go home right after."

God, I just wished that he wouldn't feel this threatened kay Marcus. I seriously believe that those two could hit it off kung hindi lang talaga nasimulan na ganito. Also, halos graduate na kami. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung makikita ko pa ba si Marcus pagkatapos ng graduation... so, sana maging maayos iyong usap namin mamaya ni Psalm.

I wanted to study again right after our call ended, but my mind kept on going back to Psalm. I really didn't want to hurt him or for him to feel betrayed...

So, instead, I practiced on how I'd tell Psalm na gusto kong magpaturo kay Marcus. I carefully chose the words that I would use para naman mapaliwanag ko nang mabuti iyong sarili ko.

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo?" Jax said while holding a bowl of pasta in his hands. He caught me talking to myself, with matching hand gestures pa.

"Wala," I said. As much as possible, ayokong magsabi kay Jax ng tungkol kay Psalm kasi nawe-weirduhan si Jax kasi daw 'lalaki' siya.

"Kamusta review?" he asked.

"Okay lang," I replied. When Jax was reviewing for LAE, sobrang kalmado niya lang. As in wala lang sa kanya. Nung pumasa siya sa LAE pati sa entrance exam, kalmado pa rin siya. Nagkaroon lang naman ng feelings si Jax nung nagsimula na siyang mag-aral ng law, e—exactly right after lumabas iyong results ng midterms nila. Na gulat na gulat si Jax dahil muntik na siyang bumagsak kasi sabi niya akala niya okay naman iyong sagot niya. Apparently, sa law school, puro essay ang exams. Kaya dapat kapag may binigay na situation, alam mo kung ano'ng jurisprudence ang iaapply pati iyong mga elements na present.

"Kukuha si Kitty ng LAE," I said.

Jax nodded, and I couldn't read the expression on his face. 'Di ko talaga alam kung ano'ng gustong mangyari ni Jax sa buhay niya. I mean, obvious naman na alam niyang may gusto sa kanya si Kitty... and minsan, nagtatanong naman siya tungkol kay Kitty... pero wala talagang nangyayari. I guess kapag nasa iisang environment na sila at saka ko na lang malalaman kung ano ang mangyayari talaga.

When the clock struck 11, nag-ayos na ako. Akala ko mauuna akong dumating doon sa resto dahil akala ko 12 pa dadating si Psalm, pero pagdating ko doon, nakita ko na nakaupo na siya sa gilid. Humigpit iyong hawak ko sa bag ko bago ako nagsimulang maglakad papunta sa kanya.

"Ang aga mo," sabi ko pagkalapit ko sa kanya. There was a tall glass of water in front of him. He looked so hung-over.

"I don't want you to wait, in case na mauna ka," he replied, then smiled despite the fact na halatang masakit iyong ulo niya. I bit my lip dahil pinapunta ko pa siya dito kahit na alam ko na mas gusto niyang matulog dahil masakit iyong ulo niya.

"Sorry, ha? Alam ko gusto mong matulog kasi masakit ulo mo..."

Umiling siya. "I couldn't sleep because of your text."

"Ha? Ano bang sinabi ko?"

"You texted me 'Can we talk?'," he said, then reached for the water. "Please don't text me that ever again, Joey. You're going to give me anxiety."

Oh, fuck! Did I really text him that?! Sobrang lutang ko na siguro kagabi kaya nagtext ako sa kanya ng ganon! Kahit naman siya itext ako ng ganoon, malamang hindi rin ako makakatulog sa sobrang pag-iisip kung ano ba iyong sasabihin niya sa 'kin.

"Sorry," I sincerely said. "Kain muna tayo?"

Umiling siya. "What do you want to talk about?" he asked, firm in wanting to know why I suddenly wanted to talk to him in person kahit na alam niya na sobrang stressed ako sa NMAT.

I reached for his glass of water, tapos naki-inom ako. Kinakabahan ako! Para namang sasabihin ko sa kanya na nagcheat ako dahil sa sobrang kaba ko!

"Psalm," I began.

"Joey," he replied. I frowned. He grinned. "Sorry. I just don't like when we're both really serious."

I pursed my lips, and took a deep breath. Tinignan ko siya nang mabuti, at saka huminga rin ako nang mabuti. Ugh! I hated this! Bakit ba hindi ko masabi sa kanya?! Tama naman si Kitty, e. Pwede namang sumama si Psalm kung worried talaga siya kay Marcus. And Marcus is a decent person. Alam niya na may boyfriend ako.

"As we both know, NMAT na next week," I began. Psalm was just looking at me, as if every word that came out of my mouth was making his heartbeat faster. "Meron pang mga 'di ako masyadong naiintindihan..."

I watched Psalm's face. Kung kinakabahan ako, alam ko na mas kinakabahan siya. I could see him drumming his fingers on the table—sign na kinakabahan na siya.

"Just tell me if you really don't want this, and 'di ko na gagawin, okay?" I said, finally giving in kasi hindi ko kaya na magpaturo kay Marcus kung ganito si Psalm. Magccrash review na lang siguro ako sa Youtube o baka naman may one week na review center para sa mga last minute na gustong magreview? Bahala na! I just didn't think that it's worth hurting Psalm over. Because when I told him before na ayoko silang nakikita ni Kia, wala akong narinig mula sa kanya. Iniwasan niya si Kia—ni hindi siya umaatend sa party kapag alam niyang pwedeng nandun si Kia.

"You want Marcus to teach you," he said, stealing the words from my mouth.

I nodded. "Yeah, but if you're uncomfortable with it, hindi ko na itutuloy," I said, then reached for his hand. "You do know that I value your opinion, right?"

Naka-tingin ako kay Psalm habang hinihintay iyong sasabihin niya. Bawat segundo na lumilipas, mas lalong bumibilis iyong tibok ng puso ko. I just wanted him to say something because my heart felt like jumping outside of my chest by the second.

"Okay."

I blinked.

And blinked.

"Okay?" I asked.

He nodded, then it was his turn to squeeze my hand. Tinignan niya ako nang mabuti na pakiramdam ko ay bigla na lang akong malulunod. I bit my lower lip to steady my heart. Sometimes, I didn't think I deserve him. He's just... too freaking much.

"Yeah..." he said, then gave out a small smile. "If you think you need him to tutor you, then it's fine."

"Are you sure?" tanong ko. Kasi kung hindi niya talaga gusto, hindi ko talaga itutuloy. I wouldn't risk hurting him. I just wanted to be as good to him as he was to me.

He nodded again. "This is about your future, Joey. This is about what you want to do for the rest of your life. I wouldn't hinder that."

With every word that came out of his mouth, I felt my heart beating faster and faster. I really didn't know what he saw in me... Why he's always putting up with my crap... Why out of all the people in this world, ako iyong pinag-aaksayahan niya ng oras.

"But—"

"I'm seriously fine, Joey," sabi niya. "Besides, it's just for a week, right?"

I nodded, a little too vigorously for my liking. "Yeah. And if gusto mong pumunta sa bahay, okay lang—"

"Sa bahay niyo?" he cut me off.

"Uh... yes. Kasi maraming libro and reviewers, and mahirap if dadalhin ko 'yun lahat sa school or coffee shop," mabilis na paliwanag ko. "Nandun naman si Manang, tapos si Jax din nandun. Tapos ikaw, pwede ka naman pumunta kung gusto mo."

I hated the way I was explaining. Like I was caught doing something bad red handed.

"Okay," he said again.

"Okay?" kinakabahan na ulit ko sa sinabi niya. "Sure ka, ha? Ayoko mag-away tayo dahil dito... Gusto ko lang talagang pumasa..."

He smiled, then pinched my cheek. "I promise, I'm fine. Let's just eat, all right?"

I nodded. "Okay. Gusto ko ng pasta," sabi ko dahil natakam ako sa kinain ni Jax kanina.

Psalm nodded. "All right," he replied.

Kumain kaming dalawa ni Psalm, at saka nagkwentuhan. Alam ko sabi ko one hour lang kami, pero umabot kami ng two hours dahil gusto ko pa siyang kasama. I'd been really busy the past few weeks kaya sobrang bihira kami magkita... tapos magiging busy na naman ako ngayong linggo. Ayoko lang na isipin niya na hindi siya kasama sa priorities ko... Kasi nung siya sobrang busy sa basketball, nagagawa niya pa akong sunduin kahit kakatapos lang ng training nila. I just wanted to make him feel important kagaya ng ginagawa niya sa 'kin.

Nang matapos kaming kumain, hinatid ako ni Psalm sa bahay namin. Naka-hinto na siya sa harap ng gate, pero hindi pa rin ako bumababa.

"You need to review," he said.

"Ayaw mo na ba akong kasama?"

Kumunot ang noo niya. "What? Saan mo nakuha 'yan?"

"Kanina ka pa tingin nang tingin sa relo mo. Tapos ngayon pinapababa mo na ako sa sasakyan," sabi ko sa kanya.

Psalm removed his seatbelt, and then looked at me. He was looking at me so intently. I wanted to reach for his cheek, and hold his face. I wanted to hug him and tell him that even though he's right beside me, I still miss him.

"Joey, I always want to be with you. But I know how much you want to be a doctor, and I want to be nothing but supportive."

I bit my lower lip. "After this week, promise I'm all yours. Kahit saan mo gustong pumunta..."

He smiled. "I'll remember that," he said. "But seriously, Joey, one of my cousin's a doctor and I barely see him. Whenever we have gatherings, he's always not around because he's on duty. And I understand that once you go to med school, you'll have less time for me."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko.

"And I want to be ready for that. I know that when med school begins, I'll barely see you, and I'll be lying if I say that that will be okay because it won't. It will suck not seeing you... but I want you to achieve your dreams."

Parang may nakabara sa lalamunan ko sa bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig niya. Gusto kong magsalita, at sabihin sa kanya na hindi mangyayari 'yun, pero alam namin pareho kung ano ang mangyayari.

But we're stronger than that.

I knew we're much stronger than that.

"Your dreams can't wait, but I can wait, Joey," he said, cupping both my face.

"Psalm..." I whispered, feeling the tears forming on my eyes. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito siya. Kung bakit lagi niya akong iniintindi. Kung bakit lagi niya akong inuuna.

"I love you, okay?" he gently said. "I love you. I can wait. I'll always wait."