#ABNQ28 Chapter 28

I tried to be okay with it. Kasalanan ko naman. Ilang beses ko nang sinabi sa sarili ko na intindihin si Psalm kung hindi niya ako pinapansin, pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko 'to tatagalan hanggang graduation. Kasi iyong ganitong ilang araw pa lang siyang nagpapanggap na 'di ako nakikita, nahihirapan na ako.

'Ilang linggo na lang...' I often told myself.

A few weeks from now, we'd all graduate. I hated thinking that we'd graduate with ill feelings, but what could I do? Sinubukan ko naman. I tried reaching out, pero ayaw niya. Ano'ng nakuha ko?

Si Joey lang.

Funny how I'd been reduced to that. Na ako lang naman pala 'to. Oo nga naman, bakit niya pa ako pag-aaksayahan ng oras pagkatapos ng lahat ng ginawa at sinabi ko sa kanya?

Maybe I really deserved this.

Fuck feelings.

"Guys, sorry talaga. Alam ko sobrang hassle ko," Kitty said. "Treat ko na lang kayo ng dinner? Sorry talaga!" she apologized again. Kami na lang kasi iyong natitira dito sa campus dahil nag-uwian na iyong mga classmates namin. 'Di naman kami pinilit ni Kitty na magstay, but of course 'di naman namin siya kayang iwan mag-isa dito sa school. 'Di kasi talaga uuwi iyon hanggang 'di polished lahat.

"Libre mo?" Simon said.

Kitty glared at him. "Wag kang abuso!"

Simon laughed. "Ayun. Libre pala ni boss," he said. Nag-usap na sila ni Matt kung saan masarap kumain habang si Kitty, inaayawan lahat nung suggestion nila dahil sobrang mahal.

Naiwan kami ni Anj, Steele, and Psalm.

Fuck.

Bakit ba laging kaming apat?!

"Just tell Kitty una na ko," Psalm said, standing up.

"Di ka sasama?" Steele asked.

Umiling si Psalm. "Nah. I... have something to do," he said, obviously full of lies. Alam ko na dahil naman sa akin kaya 'di siya sasama. Kasi ayaw niya akong makita. Kasi ayaw niya akong makasama.

Kasi si Joey lang naman ako.

Anj looked at me and Psalm. Pabalik-balik. Walang may alam sa mga babae sa nangyari, pero hindi rin naman sila tanga. Hindi naman sila tanga para hindi mapansin na ni hindi kami nag-uusap ni Psalm. Na laging may nakapagitna na Simon at Matt sa aming dalawa.

I didn't know if they were protecting me from Psalm, or if they're protecting Psalm from me.

Either way, we just couldn't be alone together.

I picked my bag up. "Ako na lang 'yung uuwi," mabilis na sabi ko. Napa-tingin silang tatlo sa akin. I smiled, though it fucking sucked to not be able to have dinner together.

Hindi na talaga kagaya ng dati.

"Nagtext si Jax. Nandyan lang naman siya sa BGC," pagpapatuloy ko pa bago sila umangal. Mabuti na lang at busy si Kitty kay Simon at Matt kaya hindi niya napansin na umalis ako. Hindi ko na rin hinayaan pa sila Anj na makapagsalita dahil ayoko ng makarinig ng kahit na ano pa.

Psalm just couldn't stand to be around me anymore.

It sucked, but this was my reality now.

Somehow, I asked for this.

Pagdating ko sa labas, tatawagan ko pa lang si Jax nung marinig ko na tinatawag ni Psalm iyong pangalan ko. Agad kong binaba iyong phone ko nang tumayo siya sa harap ko.

"Joey."

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko ngayon na nandito siya sa harap ko. Para kasing ang tagal na nung huli naming pag-uusap. Para kasing muntik na akong mawalan ng pag-asa dahil ilang beses niya akong hindi kinausap kahit ano'ng subok ko.

Pero ngayon, nandito na siya sa harap ko.

Wala naman akong masabi.

"Kitty's looking for you."

I bit my lower lip, and took a deep breath before starting. I lightly pinched hand to calm myself down. "I'll just text her," simpleng sabi ko. Siguro kasi kahit masama ang loob ko sa kanya, wala na akong lakas magalit.

Pagod na lang talaga ako.

He stared at me.

I didn't stare back.

I fucking felt guilty even though I just made a choice.

And it wasn't him. I chose myself.

I didn't want to be with someone when I know myself that I wasn't whole. That I was scared. That I still had reservations. Kasi ang unfair sa kanya. Na ako mismo, hindi pa ganoong kabuo kaya ano'ng mabibigay ko sa kanya?

And Psalm didn't deserve some half-assed love. The kind of love I got from Steele. He didn't deserve that kind of shit. The kind of love that would break you in the end.

"You go with them. Ako na lang 'yung uuwi ngayon," simpleng sabi ko.

"Is this it? We're just gonna alternately make excuses to avoid being together?" he asked like it wasn't what he was doing for the past few days.

Umawang iyong labi ko. "Hindi ba ito naman 'yung ginagawa mo? Iniiwasan ako?"

Hindi agad siya naka-sagot. Kasi alam niya na tama ako. Akala ba niya hindi ko nakikita na kapag paparating ako, aalis na siya? Na kapag tatanungin siya tungkol sa akin, mabilis na nakaalalay sa kanya sila Steele para ibahin ang usapan?

Akala ba niya 'di 'yun masakit sa 'kin?

We stood in front of each other, looking at each one's eyes as sad thoughts washed over our minds.

"We can't be like this, Joey," he said.

"What? Friends?"

"This. You leaving when I'm there. Me leaving when you're there. It's exhausting."

I pursed my lips together. I didn't know what he wanted me to do. Kasi siya lang naman iyong sinusunod ko. Kung ano iyong gusto niyang mangyari, doon ako nag-aadjust. Kasi ako iyong nanakit. Kasi siya iyong nasaktan.

"Do you want me gone in your life?"

Bawat segundo na hindi siya sumasagot, palakas nang palakas iyong tibok ng dibdib ko. I knew I shouldn't have asked the question. Kasi paano kapag sinabi niyang oo? Na ayaw niya na ako sa buhay niya? Ano'ng gagawin ko?

"I... I don't know," he answered like he's in pain. I was in pain. Hindi niya alam kung gusto niya pa ako sa buhay niya. Ganoon na yata talaga ako ka-disposable. Kasi si Joey lang naman ako.

I nodded and smiled, trying to mask the pain he just caused me.

"Message received, Psalm. Don't worry, sabi mo nga, hanggang graduation na lang."

Mabilis ko siyang tinalikuran. Mabilis akong naglakad palayo sa kanya. Naiinis ako kasi sobra akong nasasaktan sa ginawa niya kahit gusto kong intindihin kung bakit siya nagkakaganito. It was my fault, alam ko. Sinimulan ko 'to kung bakit kami ganito, but I couldn't stop myself from feeling like this. Kasi kahit naman ganito, mahalaga siya sa 'kin.

And I'd never ask him to leave my life the way he just did.

Because he was far more important that any pain he'd ever cause me.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano na kalayo iyong nalakad ko nang marinig ko na tinatawag niya iyong pangalan ko. Mas binilisan ko iyong paglalakad, pero naabutan niya pa rin ako.

"Joey, please," he said. "I didn't meant it like that."

Nanatili akong tahimik. One word could break my silence. The silence that was masking the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Of course I want you in my life. I'd always want you in my life," he said while I was still trying to run from him because I was afraid that he'd say something that would break me again.

Kasi kaya niya.

Kasi ilang salita lang mula sa kanya, kaya niya akong saktan.

"But it's hard to see you, Joey. You're someone I want, but can't have."

Bigla akong natigilan.

"You told me you didn't want me. I'm trying my best to understand, to respect your decision... You don't know how hard I'd been begging myself not to ask you to at least give me a chance. Kasi pakiramdam ko madali naman akong mahalin."

A tear fell from my eye.

"I hate being pathetic. I hate being like this. You're making me pathetic, Joey. You're making me want to beg just to be loved."

Another fell.

Sumisikip lalo iyong dibdib ko.

"I don't want to be like this. I'll fix myself, I promise. This is my problem, not yours. Don't distance yourself from our friends because of me."

Gusto kong humarap. Gusto kong tignan siya, pero natatakot ako dahil makikita niya kung gaano kabilis iyong pagtulo ng luha sa mga mata ko. Kung gaano ako nasasaktan sa bawat salita na lumalabas sa bibig niya.

"I'll be okay. We'll be fine. But for now, let's pretend that we're fine."

Narinig ko iyong paghakbang niya paatras mula sa akin.

"Can I ask for a favor, Joey?"

Tumango ako kasabay ng pagtulo ng luha ko.

"Don't smile at my way. Don't ask me if I'm fine. Don't text me. Don't call me," he said. "Don't make me fall harder."

Pinikit ko iyong mata ko.

"At least not for now. It still hurt, you know? I still think about the possibilities even if I know that I'm just hurting myself. I never had a girlfriend. Akala ko ikaw na. I thought of all the ways to spoil you, to surprise you. I was planning on being the best boyfriend there ever was because you deserve the best, you know? But it all went down the drain," he said. "I don't know why I'm even saying this. Maybe I need to say this just to get it out of my chest," he continued.

"This is the last time I'll talk about this. I'll become your friend like you wanted to. When I'm okay, I'll be your friend again."

Napapikit ako.

Napa-hawak sa dibdib ko.

"But for now, let's pretend everything's fine."