#ABNQ27 Chapter 27

My eyes were swollen.

I felt like an utter mess.

I sat while I mindlessly stirred my coffee. Hindi ako pwedeng magstay sa bahay dahil magtataka sila Mama. Hindi ako pwedeng pumasok sa school na namamaga ang mga mata ko dahil masyadong maraming magiging tanong.

A few minutes later, naupo si Matt sa harap ko.

"Are you alright?" I asked because he looked as fucked up as me. Parang puyat na puyat din siya kagaya ko. I wasn't able to talk to anyone after what happened with Psalm because... I wasn't really in the mood. Buong weekend lang ako nagkulong sa bahay, refusing to really talk with anyone.

I felt like shit.

I felt like I deserved to hole up all by myself, and feel miserable.

"Order lang akong coffee," he said.

I pushed my cup towards him. "Sa 'yo na lang. 'Di ko pa naiinom 'yan," I said. I wasn't really in the mood for coffee. I just knew I needed to stay somewhere. I skipped school because I was too much of a coward to face Psalm after everything I told him. Heck, ni hindi ko nga kayang buksan iyong phone ko dahil alam ko na makita ko pa lang iyong pangalan niya, sasama na agad iyong loob ko.

Inabot ni Matt iyong coffee, at ininom. Tahimik lang ako'ng naka-tingin sa kanya.

"Si Psalm?" I managed to ask after a while. Ito naman kasi talaga iyong dahilan kung bakit ko siya pinapunta dito.

He looked at me. "Okay naman," he said, but he didn't look convincing. It was like he was trying to act like everything's fine, when it was obviously not.

I looked at him, seriously. I wanted him to tell it to me honestly. Kung kamusta na ba si Psalm. Because I'd been miserable. Alam ko siya iyong sinaktan ko dahil sa mga sinabi ko, but I was just as hurt. I didn't want to hurt him because he's my friend... but I felt like I needed to tell him that.

I wasn't ready.

I am not ready.

What happened with Steele, it was traumatizing. I didn't want to go through that again. Because what's happening right now felt like a rehash of what happened before. Na magkaibigan kami. Na baka naman pwede.

Pero paano kapag hindi?

Paano kapag nagsawa?

Paano kapag nakahanap ng iba?

Where would that leave me?

I couldn't go through that again.

"Matt naman," I said. I knew he knew what's up. Kaibigan siya ni Psalm. Alam ko na alam niya. Kaya ganoon sila nung nakaraan. I tried to ignore it. I tried to act like they're just being their usual playful safe... but after Psalm told me everything, doon ko lang na-realize kung bakit ganoon silang lahat.

Na alam nilang lahat.

Ako lang pala 'yung hindi.

"What do you want me to say, Joey?" he asked na parang nahihirapan din siya.

"I just want to know if he's okay."

"Dude, you dumped the guy. Of course he's not okay."

I bit my lower lip. "Hindi ko naman gusto 'yung nangyari."

Matt took another sip of the coffee. "Alam ko. Wala namang sumisisi sa 'yo."

"Di ba siya galit sa 'kin?"

Umiling si Matt. "Hindi. Kilala mo 'yun. 'Di naman nagagalit 'yun talaga."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit nagsimula na namang mangilid iyong luha ko dahil sa pinag-uusapan namin. I felt like I had no rights to cry because I brought this upon myself. But every time I'd think about Psalm, about how he'd been so nice to me, and how I broke his heart... God, I was such a shitty person.

Matt placed a handkerchief in front of me. "Wag kang umiyak. 'Di galit 'yun sa 'yo."

I looked at him. "You're just making me feel worse," sabi ko habang pinupunasan iyong luha ko. "Bakit 'di siya galit sa 'kin? Ang sama-sama ko sa kanya. Ang sakit nung mga sinabi ko!"

Matt sighed. "Parang 'di mo kilala 'yung tao. Nasaktan 'yun, pero 'di galit sa 'yo. Bakit magagalit e wala namang pilitan. Kahit nga nung mamatay-matay na 'yun sa selos kay Marcus, may narinig ka bang masamang salita kay Psalm? Wala, 'di ba? Kasi 'di naman hobby nun na manira ng tao."

Sa mga sinabi niya, mas lalo lang lumakas iyong iyak ko. Wala na akong pakielam na pinagtitinginan kami, o na baka iniisip nila na pinapaiyak ako ni Matt. This just fucking sucked so bad. I felt like the own villain in my story.

"Just... give him time. Magiging okay din 'yun," he said, offering a reassuring smile, but I was far from being reassured. For the past months, si Psalm iyong lagi kong kasama. Tapos biglang... ganito.

Why couldn't friends just remain as friends? Bakit kailangang kumplekado?

"Will he still talk to me?" I asked, afraid of the answer that I'd get.

"I don't know... siguro. But don't worry, 'di ka na kukulitin nun. Alam nun 'yung salitang respeto."

My heart sank.

And I didn't want to know why.

Tumayo si Matt. "Babalik kang school?" I asked.

Umiling siya. "Di. Balik ako kila Steele. 'Dun kami kagabi pa."

"Ano'ng ginagawa niyo?"

"Umiinom," simpleng sagot niya. 'Di na ako nagtanong. Alam ko naman na kaya sila umiinom para damayan si Psalm. 'Di pa silang pumasok lahat para samahan si Psalm.

After Matt left, I just felt the hollow void inside my chest again.

* * *

Kitty and Anj were asking me if I knew what's up, but I just kept silent. It seemed like the guys didn't tell them anything. For three days, they all skipped classes—si Matt, Simon, Steele, and Psalm. I didn't know if they're still drinking or what. Basta ang alam ko, hindi sila pumasok.

Sinubukan ko na lunurin iyong sarili ko sa pag-aayos nung party para sa last requirement namin. I knew Kitty was being weirded out dahil 'di naman talaga ako mahilig tumulong sa mga ganito. But I was desperate that I'd do anything to keep my mind off of Psalm.

"Aba, mabuti naisipan niyong magpakita?!" Kitty shouted nung finally, after three days ay pumasok na iyong mga lalaki. A few more absences, maeexcessive na sila.

"Aray naman, Katherine," Simon said, wincing, dahil siya iyong pinaka-malapit kay Kitty kaya siya iyong pinaka-nasigawan.

Kitty put both her hands on the sides of her waist. "Hello? Ni hindi man lang kayo sumasagot sa texts! Ano'ng nangyari sa inyo? Sabay-sabay pa talaga kayong absent."

I thought the guys would say something, anything, but they all just shrugged. Like they didn't want to give a hint of what was happening.

"Si Psalm?" Anj asked.

"May ginagawa lang. Sunod daw," Steele said while he's on his phone. "Pwede bang alis muna ko? Magagalit ba si Kitty?"

"Ha? Kaka-pasok mo lang, aalis ka na agad?" Anj asked again.

Steele nodded, his eyes still fixated on his phone. "Yeah... Hinahanap na ko ni Andrea. Three days na kong 'di nagpapakita."

Kumunot iyong noo ni Anj. "Saan ba kasi kayo ng three days?"

Steele just shrugged. "Basta," he said. Wala talaga silang balak sabihin. "Pagtakpan mo na lang ako kay Kitty, ha? Balik ako after three hours!" he said, then ran.

Anj looked at Steele while he's running like a loon, her forehead creased. "Is it just me, or sobrang weird ng guys?" she mumbled to herself.

We all went to work after that. 'Di napansin ni Kitty na wala si Steele dahil busy siya sa pag-uutos sa mga tao. Si Matt at Simon naman, busy sa pag-inom ng tubig. Sobrang dehydrated yata nung dalawa na 'yun.

"Bakit wala si Psalm?" I managed to ask after my will to shut up finally faded. Matt just shrugged. "Matt naman... Nag-aalala lang ako."

Tinignan niya ako. "Okay nga lang kasi."

"Bakit wala siya dito? Iniiwasan ako?"

"Di ko talaga alam, promise. Papasok na talaga kami ngayon kasi balak pa naman naming grumaduate. Ewan ko biglang may nagtext tapos sabi susunod na lang daw siya."

I sighed. "Iniiwasan niya ako, no?"

Natawa siya. "Di nga, promise. Saka 'di ka naman maiiwasan nun forever kasi blockmates tayo."

Wow.

Blockmates.

Parang dati friends, tapos biglang blockmates na lang kaming dalawa?

"Baka dadating 'yun mamaya. O bukas. Basta makikita mo 'yun. May quiz tayo bukas, kaya sure na papasok 'yun," he said. Kumuha pa ng isang bote ng tubig si Matt tapos babalik na ulit siya dun kay Kitty.

"Di ka ba galit sa 'kin?"

Napa-tingin siya. Biglang sumeryoso iyong mukha.

"Hindi. Buhay mo 'yan, e. Pero nasasayangan lang ako, Joey. You two could've been great, you know?" he said, tapping my shoulder before walking away.

* * *

If I wasn't bummed out before, I was really bummed out now. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito iyong nararamdaman ko. I felt like the guys should be mad at me and take Psalm's side, pero hindi iyon ang nangyari. They're still treating me normally. They're still nice. Heck, if possible, kung walang nagtatanong, wala silang sasabihin na kahit ano tungkol kay Psalm.

Ni hindi nila ako sinusumbatan sa nangyari.

And it's making me feel so fucking worse.

Tahimik kong chine-check iyong listahan na bigay ni Kitty para sigurado na walang malilimutan. Nang matapos ako, binigay ko na sa kanya iyong checklist. It was already 5pm, and I wanted to go home already. Kitty was asking Matt kung nasaan si Psalm, and I swear isang beses na marinig ko pa 'yun, may masasakal na ako.

"Pwede na ba akong umuwi?" I asked.

Kitty got the list, and read it first. She's a sucker for details and orientation, so I was extra-careful on making the list. Kahit pa friends kami, alam ko na papagalitan niya ako kapag nagkamali ako o may nalimutan.

"Hmm... looks good," she said. "Uwi ka na? Dinner tayo later, hinihintay lang si Psalm."

A part inside me constricted. "Family dinner," I lied quickly. I didn't want to see Psalm. I thought I was ready, but the thought of seeing him was making it hard to breath. It felt like guilt would kill me... even if I only made a choice.

She nodded. "Hmm... sayang naman. But sige, balitaan na lang kita if napilit ko iyong guys na sabihin kung ano'ng nangyari sa kanila. Also, say hi to Jax!" she said, smiling profusely.

Paglabas ko, naglakad na ako papunta sa parking. Kanina pa nandun si Manong at hinihintay ako. One hour na siyang naghihintay kasi one hour na din dapat na nagpaalam ako kay Kitty, but I didn't. 'Di ko alam. Maybe because I was unconsciously waiting for Psalm.

Bigla akong napatigil nang makita ko siya.

Akala ko ba wala siya sa school?

"Aren't you done yet?" Kia asked.

Psalm was typing something. "Tinatago ko ba 'yung tindor kaya 'di ka makakain nang wala ako?" he said while his eyes were still on the screen.

Kia frowned. "You've been really mean, Psalm Christian! Sumbong kita kay Tita, gusto mo?"

"Sure..." he trailed.

"Ugh. Just finish what you're doing then send it to Kitty para makaalis na tayo. Bakit 'di pa kasi tayo pumunta sa audi, so that you can ask her directly what's kulang?"

I bit my lower lip. He's been here all this time? Hindi lang siya pumupunta sa audi dahil ayaw niya akong makita? Ito ba 'yung ibig niyang sabihin nung three months? Na three months niya akong iiwasan? Na after nito, 'di na talaga siya magpapakita sa akin kasi bakit nga naman?

Graduate na kami. Graduate na siya sa 'kin.

I didn't know what was wrong with me. I fucking stood there like an idiot. I stood there and watch as Kia tried to annoy Psalm, and Psalm getting annoyed at her.

Sumisikip iyong dibdib ko.

I picked up my phone, and sent a text.

Eldest broccoli:

Can we talk?

I saw his phone lit up. He looked at it. Pabilis nang pabilis iyong tibok ng dibdib ko. Para akong tanga na naghihintay na kunin niya iyon at sagutin...

"Who was that? Is it Kitty? Can we go na?" Kia asked, yawning.

"Si Joey lang," Psalm just said, tossing his phone inside his bag.