[Episode 18 - Under Control]

Control is subjective. It doesn't show itself out if you never wish to.

Ever since I was 7, I had issues with controlling any emotion. Love. Anger. Grief.

So it had been determined that I wasn't a normal child when it came to showing the necessary thing out and shoving the other in. I either stuffed it all in, or showed it all out. My mother, Miranda Gilbert, often told me to control the puppets called emotions. They're quite fickle you see Kat, she used to say. I used to nod and tell her I would control it. And I did. So I stuffed all anger and unfair feelings like grief, self-love and love into this alter ego. It's a unicorn that disguises a demon.

So people thought I finally accomplished control. But I knew better. Every emotion that I have just makes the unicorn more and more stuffed. The demon suffocates and begs to be let out. So, technically, I have it under completely under control.

That's what I tell Elena as we rush down for school. I just hope I see Stefan today. He's been avoiding me lately and Damon particularly asked me to stay away in all seriousness.

"Jerry get your ass down here right now or we're leaving you behind!" I yell another time for my lazy brother. I open my hair when I'm downstairs and look into the mirror, I pout and blow myself a kiss. 

Hmm, Kat-y enough. Jenna hangs the forgotten thermos on my hand as I put up a heroine's pose "Forgot this Blair Waldorf" she jokes, pointing to my large hairband. Hey! A girl gotta do what a girl gotta wear.

Elena opens the door with a smile but her smile dissolves when she sees a familiar figure standing at the threshold with his bag.

"Elena" I hear Uncle John greet with a smile. I forget my poses and look to my right. And sure, he's standing right there. I plaster a smile and walk towards him "Uncle John! Hey...!" I hug him, thermos and all. He pats my back with a smile and I start to go out. Elena stands inside as she plasters a huge fake smile "Hello uncle John".

John was a good uncle until mom and dad died. Everyone, including me, thought that he'd vouch for guardianship since Jenna was still in college but he didn't. And all of us kind of felt let down. The last time I spoke to him, I was fisting my fingers to resist the urge to shout and kick. Bygones, I tell myself.

Jeremy barrels downstairs and smiles slightly when he sees our guest "Hey Uncle John. What's up?" they do some weird man-hug expression that they developed years ago.

Jenna just stands there with her hand frozen on her hip as she mildly glares at the new arrival "John... You made it" she states rather grittingly.

"I said I'll be here before noon..." I help him put some of his suitcases inside as he enters the house.

"Oh what you say and what you do are typically two very different things" Jenna murmurs as she goes far into the house, probably avoiding him.

▹▹▹

Stefan is officially MIA from school so the day goes pretty fast. The last period is history and I wait until everyone exits. Feeling the weight of the small piece of folded paper, I walk to the table where Alaric sits, looking at me expectantly.

"Um... Thank you. You know, for saving me the other day... I know Damon falsely bribed you, I'm sorry..." 

He sighs and tells me to pull up a chair. When I do, he removes a stack of papers and hands it to me "I made a copy of a paper Jeremy wrote for me. I think you should take a look at it" my brows furrow as I read the title.

Fact or Fiction: The Truth About Vampires in Mystic Falls, by Jeremy Gilbert

"He's very clear that he didn't think it was real..." he assures me and I take a breath "I really hope you're right because I've done things to protect him from all of this"

"So, how do you deal with it?"

"Deal with what?"

"With all the lies and the secrets. You have to lie to everyone who's important to you..." 

I gulp down slowly "It's not safe for them to know the truth. So, yes I keep it from them, but it's only because I love them and they need to be protected..."

There's a long pause filling in the after-thoughts of that statement and I decide to make it more awkward. I dig into my bag and pull out a dried muddy and bloody letter.

"Umm" I let out an uncertain laugh "I, uh, wrote this for you that day, before all the drama. Emh, Stefan was supposed to make sure I don't chicken out but I'm here and you're here..." I go on rambling.

"Is that for me Kat?" he asks with a raised brow. Damon must have told him. 

I clear my throat and nod as I hand it to him "I just wanna, you know, talk about anything. Isobel-" he goes rigid "and other stuff. Parental... If you don't mind" I put in at the end. 

He nods, not taking eyes off the paper and I finally excuse myself and walk towards the door.

I'm almost out when he calls me back "Kat?"

"Yes?"

"I think Stefan is a good guy. But at the end of the day he's still a..." he trails off. I smile sadly "I know it's hard to understand but Stefan is different. He would never do anything to hurt Elena purposely... And you should have told this to Elena" I joke.

Alaric runs a hand through his hair and mutters "Really?"

What was that supposed to mean?

▹▹▹

"I've no interest in the Founders' Day Kick-off Party" Jeremy all but whines like a man.

We're in the kitchen, gracing ourselves with some leftover pizza when John mentions the reason of his visit. The Founder's month. Ugh. That means that the Council will be on high alert.

"Sure you do its tradition." John insists

"Far be it for us to break the tradition..." I roll my eyes and Jenna high-fives me.

"The Gilberts have been a part of this town for a hundred and fifty years. We're one of the founding families and with that distinction comes certain obligations including going to the party" and hunting vampires with the town Council "One day, when you can appreciate the significance, I'll tell you all about your heritage"

"Hmm, the Gilbert family legacy. I forgot how sacred it was. I'm not a Gilbert so I was never cool enough to hear it..." Jenna mutters as she takes out a bottle from the shelves.

"Why does she hate you?" Jeremy mutters through a bite full of pizza. I smack his head "Don't talk when you're stuffing food"

"We..." John begins and my head swivels to him like a bullet as I throw him a warning shake of my head with wide eyes "-used to sleep together" he smugly finishes. I'm too late to close my brother's ears and he laughs, almost spitting all his chewed food.

Jenna glares and throws an empty ziplock cover at my uncle but it not so very awesomely flutters close to his nose and drops down in his lap. I cover my face full of embarrassment as I glance at Jenna "We've gotta work on it Jenna"

Elena's up there in her room with Stefan and I can hear they're conversation even when I don't want to. I try to drone out most of their conversation followed by noises (let's stick to that). I'm about to take another bite of my pizza when I hear a crash and my sister's panicked whispers to Stefan.

"Um, I forgot to check my phone... Um, be right back!" I stutter out and run upstairs, leaving a confused-looking family downstairs. Once I'm upstairs where none of them can see me, I rush into Elena's room to see her against the bedhead, a serious look on her face.

The window is open and there's a broken lamp hanging over the bedside table. "Stefan?" I ask, even though I mostly know what the answer would be. 

Elena hesitates but nods.

▹▹▹

Elena rushes downstairs when we hear the bell, Jeremy's watching telly while eating cereal, in the evening. Not judging at all people, not at all.

Damon enters with a smug face as my sister sighs in relief "Oh good you're here". I watch from above, against the banister of the staircase.

"You ask I come. I'm easy like that" he shrugs and follows my sister's finger pointing upstairs. Obviously, Damon is Damon - a 16 year-old prank boy in the body of a 24 year-old seemingly matured man. 

So, he looks to my little brother out of the corner of his eye as he loudly exagerates "No Elena, I will not go to your bedroom with you!" I roll my eyes and shout loudly.

"Sorry but I'm not into gay porn Damon" Low blow, I know. 

But when you're surrounded by such people, desperate times call for desperate measures. I hear Jeremy sputter, and Elena suppresses a chuckle. 

Damon glares at me and shakes his head in negative, and looks to his left, probably at my brother as he grits out "The screen's that way Gilbert".

He mutters out insults as he makes his way up and into my room, "Ah, just like I remember" he coos with false interest as he looks around my room. 

Elena sighs and leans her back on the door "Stop messing around". I narrow my eyes at her. This is my room so I decide who messes around. I'm perfectly fine letting Damon messing around with things in my room because it'll be hell of a show watching him clean it up.

But Damon doesn't do much of the stuff. He plops down on my bed and hugs Ms. Teddy to his chest. "Did you know that your uncle has been kicking it with the Founders' Council?" I raise my brows, really? That doesn't sound good. 

This news might as well put him on the opposite team if he gets to know about Damon and Stefan. And me. At least Damon and I are working as double agents.

Speaking of, I pick up the broken lamp I kept as evidence and hold it up in Damon's line of vision. Damon pouts and holds Ms. Teddy's brown furry arm towards the object "What happened?" Elena tries to cover it up with negative fumbling but I raise my brows towards the vampire, giving him all the clue he needs.

"Look Damon, I'm worried about Stefan. He says that everything's okay but he's clearly struggling. How long is it gonna take before he goes back to normal?" Elena desperately asks her boyfriend's brother. He shrugs "A few days, give or take"

"It's been a few days" I point out.

"Give then, I don't know. What's the big deal?" he rolls his eyes.

I roll my eyes and snatch the toy away from him. He gets up promptly and wanders to my dresser. He opens one drawer and pulls out a black bra of mine. He looks to me with a smug look as if expecting me to protest. 

I wave it off "It's yours if you want. But I know you won't look good in it". His face falls and he puts it back. He looks at the picture on the dresser. 

It's Stefan's.

Damon takes that one next and looks at Elena "It is what it is Elena. The Stefan you know was 'good behavior Stefan', 'reign it in Stefan', 'fight against his nature into an annoying excessive level Stefan' but if you think there isn't another part to this then you have not been paying attention..." 

Elena snatches the frame from his hands with surprising emotion and grits out "He's not you, not even close" 

I sigh. Damon's right. Stefan's been fighting his nature for a better part of his vampire life, and it's all fighting it's way out with double vigour.

"Well, he doesn't want to be me. That doesn't mean that deep down though he's not." Damon states, his undertones sounding hurt to me. He leaves and I follow him. 

Elena stays behind, probably whining over the possibility of Stefan not being himself.

Jeremy is nowhere to be found in the living room so I catch Damon by the jacket as he's almost out of the door "Look Damon, he's been fighting who he is. I just want him to stop fighting. What can we really do?" 

He steps out and mutters "I'll see what I can do. Just sit tight. Both of you"

▹▹▹

I knock nervously on my little brother's door and Elena's grip on my shoulder tightens as we hear a 'come in'.

"Hey..." Elena starts and Jeremy looks from his book "What's up?"

"Do you have some time to talk? We wanna tell you something..."

"Sure. What is it?"

I look to Elena and she beckons him out of the room "Let's get out of the house". And that's how we tell our brother that we're adopted.

A while later, I kick another rock along the foggy lake as my brother fills in the silence "I just can't believe mom and dad never told you that you were adopted..."

"I'm sure they would have eventually..."

"Were you worried about what I thought?" Jeremy asks, as if the thought is incredulous.
"Because...I don't know Jerry!" I throw up my hands and Elena continues "It's weird. Going you're whole life thinking you're related by blood to someone-"

"-only to find out that they're not"

"Does it bug you that we're not?"

We all stop and I look at him "No, Jerry, it bugs me that we couldn't tell you till now..."

"You're our brother, that's all that matters" Elena smiles endearingly and so does Jeremy.

"So, Mr. Saltzman said you've been doing great in history now..." Elena begins.

"Yeah, yeah he's really been helping me out. He gave me some extra credit and stuff"

"He loved your vampire paper..." Real subtle sister. But our brother lies oblivious to our worries as he nods proudly "He thought I had a clever angle..."

"What drew you to that subject matter?" I ask him with a smirk to disguise the worry I was feeling.

"I don't know, boredom or maybe I'm just as nuts as the long line of Gilbert crazies" he offers a reluctant explanation.

"Gilberts aren't crazy" Elena tries defending our adoptive ancestors.

"Easy for you to say, you're not Gilberts"

We both stop and she narrows her eyes at him while I get in stance. "Ouch" we both say and Jeremy runs. We run behind him and I jump on his back while hanging onto his neck.

We all laugh till our lungs threaten to burst and Jeremy sets me down. Elena tries to breathe while hitting him and he gives up "Ouch. Okay! O-Okay. I'm sorry!"

▹▹▹

Elena and I enter before the rest of the family and I direct her to the bar. This is where I can get something strong disguised as water. Surprisingly, we see Stefan sipping a whiskey that definitely doesn't seem like his first one for the hour. Seeing us, he puts his glass down and hugs Elena like he mostly does not.

I gulp down the remaining of his drink and sigh in relief.

"Hey! How are you?" Stefan kisses her cheek and turns to me. He kisses my cheek with a wink and I roll my eyes. My sister narrows her eyes as she holds her boyfriend by the shoulders "Are you drunk?"

"Okay, I know it's a little weird-" he begins.

"-Seeing you drunk or seeing you having fun?" I question with a smirk. He chuckles and turns to his girlfriend "It's really helping me. The alcohol... uh, takes the edge off"

"You're totally that drunk high school guy at parties sneaking booze!" I pat his shoulder as I sit on the bar stool he sat on before. I throw back another glass of whiskey on the rocks and close my eyes. "I totally am, yeah!" Stefan laughs.

Elena looks between him and me with narrowed eyes but I avoid her judging look as I wrap my free arm around him with a whisper "Get me more of these please"

 Elena, apparently, doesn't find it any funny than Nestor, she sighs with concern "How worried do I need to be?"

"Oh no! You don't need to be worried. It's just until the cravings go away. Listen, I think we should enjoy it while it lasts...." he looks to me with a drunken twinkle in his eye 

"Would you like to dance with me?" I mockingly look to my left and right and point towards me. 

He just shakes his head with a smile as he pulls me off the barstool. Before he can take me on the dance floor, my sister stops us with a hand on my shoulder.

"You hate dancing. I usually have to beg you." she reminds her boyfriend. I huff and look anticipatingly to the almost dance floor. Can't wait to work the crowd up. 

"No, no, no" Stefan cocks his head "-you have to beg the sober me. The drunk me, there is no begging necessary..."

"There's no one dancing Stef..." I trail off awkwardly. 

"That's because they need something better to dance to. I'll be right back..." he stalks off and Elena and I share a look. She's surprised of this new personality trait in her boyfriend. But that's futile, Stefan already had this trait before, he just hid it.

An already swaying Kelly Donovan arrives, resting her upper body on the cold counter "Yeah...That's not gonna work. I already tried to bribe the guy with 20 bucks and a date. He said Carol Lockwood has complete control over the music choices..." 

I follow my twin's gaze across the hall to find Stefan holding a very still DJ by his shoulder, I sigh as Elena answers 

"You'd be surprised what Stefan can accomplish when he puts his mind to it..."

The music changes soon and Kelly thankfully rushes to the dance floor. Stefan comes back beaming. He tries to take my hand but I push Elena into his arms before he can come to me. Elena looks weirdly at me before swivelling onto the floor with him.

Damon comes and sits beside me just as they leave. He's looking at his brother and my sister swaying to the beat but he speaks to me "Have I entered an alternate universe where Stefan is fun?" 

I roll my eyes as I rush with another drink. 

"He's gonna be okay right?"

He turns to me and eyes the drink in my hand, "Are you gonna be okay?" 

I place a firm hand on his shoulder as I ask strongly "Is he gonna be okay Smoldy?" 

He sighs "Eventually. One way or another"

Well, I hope that eventually means a lot sooner than it seems.

▹▹▹

Bored, I trail off into the open terrace where I find my aunt. "Enjoying peace? I'm assuming John finally left you to enjoy" I joke. Jenny rolls her eyes "Don't even start. That guy is havoc" she sips on her champagne slowly.

I see a familiar figure approaching us so I give her a heads up "History teacher three o'clock"

Her hand freezes mid sip and she looks to me quickly "How do I look?"

"Ravishing"

Alaric joins us with a chute of his own, he smiles at my eager aunt and nods to me. I smile slightly and excuse myself. When I head inside, the party is livelier and I run into a smiling Matt Donovan. 

He takes hold of my hands and sways happily "Do you wanna dance?"

"No" I mutter. My scene is more of the club rock. Not formal parties like in Titanic. But Matt was having none of my negation. He pulls me onto the dance floor by my waist and gently forces me to sway along with that innocent smile of his.

"So, where's Caroline?"

"Out shopping for her cousin or something" speaking of the devil, Matt's phone rings with a loud ringtone and he takes the call, pointing to Caroline's name on the screen. I smile and let go as I watch him happily talk and laugh.

I don't get to walk off the floor as the next moment, I'm spun around into strong arms. Stefan drunkenly smiles at me "Please dance with me" I roll my eyes as I let him lead me on the steps.

Someone runs into me and stumbles backwards. Me, wearing pencil heels just for today of all days, almost fall down but Stefan catches me and sets me upright to face the angry man.

"Watch it!"

"Easy" I narrow my eyes. The man, apparently gate-crashed this party because he's in normal clothes as he sways "Get off the dance floor if you can't stand straight" he sneers and walks away.

I spoke about control and subjective right? I stomp behind him as I force him about to face me "That's no way to talk to anyone. Sit tight and stop crashing parties" I grit out. I start to walk away but Stefan holds me in place as he compels the drunken party-crasher 

"I think you need to apologize..."

"I'm sorry..." he follows the order.

He starts to leave, but Stefan grabs him again "Now say it like you mean it..."

"Stefan-" I warn.

"I'm really, really sorry" the guy apologises and I nod with restraint. 

Stefan compels him to leave and executes his words with a rough push. I pout in anger as Stefan turns to me "Are you alright?" 

His hand comes a little bit too close to my face. I angrily withdraw "I, uh, need some air" I push him off and stalk off, snatching a flute of champagne from a waiter's tray. I might or might not look old normally, but today, I could pass for an adult.

I go out with the flute in hand when Matt joins me, giddy from happiness "Who knew I've been missing all the fun at the Founders' parties?" he eyes my half-empty drink and I shrug, downing the rest 

"This is rare, believe me" I smile. I throw an arm over his broad shoulder as he slows down outside "Is it bad that I'm enjoying myself?"

"No, it's great that you are enjoying yourself. Thanks for making me dance, I'm wearing pencil heels by the way, so you're lucky your feet are working..." I joke, only to be awarded by his carefree laugh.

"Air, I need some more air. Come with me?" he challenges with a smirk. I can understand what he's trying to do, when we were small, Matt and Tyler asked to walk with me outside. They got me giddy till the fountain at the back and plopped into the water.

I smirk "No water this time. Or I'm taking you down with me".

"You haven't seen my mom have you?" Matt looks around.

"No, not in a while" we enter the grand porch of the Founder's Hall when we understand why. 

"My poor eyes!"

Huddled against the pillar are Kelly and Tyler kissing. 

Matt shouts and pulls his best friend off his mom "What the hell man!" he shouts as he shoves Tyler farther off. Kelly dramatically exclaims, only to catch her son's eye "Mom!!" he screams again, angry and confused.

Tyler tries to do damage-repair instead of running for the hills "Whoa dude calm down!" 

Matt calms down by pushing his fist into the Lockwood's. One thing leads to another and it ends up being Tyler crouching over Matt and punching him over and over again. 

I abandon the empty flute and yank Tyler off of our friend. He looks at me surprised but Alaric intervenes with a panicked look directed at me "I got this. Matt" he instructs. 

I rush to a bleeding and fuming Matt only to have him try and get up "Where is she" he narrows his eyes. 

I look around but don't find Kelly "I don't know Matt. Careful, you're bleeding" I hold his nose up and backward with a handkerchief.

▹▹▹

I shake my head as I go upstairs. Tonight's been a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts I didn't want to have. I knock gently on Jeremy's door, Elena told me her earlier mess of a conversation about Vicki with him.

"Are you okay?" I ask through the door. I hear him pacing around and I hear his pounding heartbeat. But he lies "Fine"

"Are you sure Jeremy?"

"I said I'm fine Kat" I sigh and open the door. He jumps and his hand goes behind his back. I stalk towards him and try to snatch the thing from him but he resists. I fight some more and when I actually do get it, my brows furrow.

My little brother is reading Elena's diary. "Did you find out anything interesting?" I grit. He raises his head in a glare "Got enough". I shake my head and push him to the bed. He falls onto it with a protest but I shake my head seriously "Wait here. I'm getting you something more" 

I hook him in with that as I go to our room, bypassing Elena's bed. I dig in the secret holding in my dresser and pull out my own blue-leather bound book.

"Take this too" I tell my brother when I enter his room. He hesitates but snatches it and opens it. His eyes widen when he reads the first entry "You may hate us Jerry. But I'm not moving an inch out of this room until you get the whole picture" he starts saying something but I shush him and point to Elena's room.

I sit on the bean-bag near the closed door as I watch Jeremy read the book with hungry confused eyes. I hear Stefan try to talk to my sister next-door.

"- don't want you to know that this side of me exists..."

"Stefan, you're gonna get through this. I'm gonna help you pull through. It's gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay!"

"No, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry, I can't, I'm afraid of what I could do to you" Stefan cries and I hear shuffling of feet.

"I'm not" Elena murmurs, the sound barely there "Stefan, I'm not...."

"I'm not, okay?" she assures him again and now Stefan's sniffles are muffled.

"I love you so much" I hear him murmur.

"I love you to-"

I put on Jeremy's headphones and blast on music that can drone out their conversation. Jeremy looks to me with surprise at my sudden action but he goes back to reading my diary, a piece of myself that I gave up to him because I love him, and because he should know it.

Tears blur my eyes. I keep swallowing the lump of lead in my throat. The last thing I feel is fingers wiping my cheeks and a blanket on my arms.