05th January 2023,

Well, for starters, happy new year to you and myself. The last year had been quite a lot and before I forget to do this again. Happy 1st year anniversary to me and to Astrid. This year hasn't been easy in the slightest but then again, when is any year ever easy. Every single day is a constant struggle but the secret of joy lies in the simplest truth - it's all a matter of perspective. Think of every moment of joy as gifted, find love in the simplest of things and your life will be so much easier, so much more filled with joy. No year is ever easy but at the same time, I'm just glad that we've made it out alive.

Not quite a lot has happened since the last major incident where I had sliced my hand in a rather grotesque manner after that fight with Trevor the same day I had gotten myself in a very sad situation with Astrid. Frankly, it's been kind of quiet ever since and I've been savouring every moment of it because times like these were rare.

Astrid and I have been spending little and small moments with each other, tiny joys in small moments. Content happier days laced occasionally with an insurmountable world of stress at certain days all at once. The start of the semester was always hectic but it was especially more so with both of us progressing to senior year.

Her birthday was a blast when we had gone out together on the 08th of September. It was easily one of the highlights of the year this time. I had gifted her a whole-size canvas and new paints for her 17th birthday, she loved it so much. Her birthday was something I had been planning for a very long time by then, between my tight days and her very crammed-up days, we talked out little things that she might've written off simply as me being me - ever curious about the little things about her and while that was true, it wasn't my entire intention.

True, I loved her to hell and back but it wasn't the only thing about that. The night before her birthday, I went and laid next to her, arm around her waist. I had snuck out though I do not believe she noticed. She was a heavy sleeper. It had taken me almost three hours after midnight to make everything ready for her but it was all so worth to see that look of wonder and amusement in those hazel eyes of hers. I knew she would've loved that I had decorated the whole place with purple themed, I was gonna treat her like the royalty she was this year. I had already called in sick for both of us the night before, though she had to be off for two hours during the day for the Student council meeting.

And while she was off to that, I had called up a few more helping hands, together while she was in the meeting talking budget, themes and everything else, we had whipped up a five-course meal entailing a rich selection of desserts. I had left her a voicemail to reach right to her place and when she turned the doorknob and saw the way the whole place had been set up for her - sunshine orange and golden everything else, she was mesmerized as she put in the rich golden macaroon in her mouth. She was sobbing ugly hard with her smile so so wide.

I had never felt more joy in my entire life than I had at that moment when she told me, "This is the best thing to have ever happened to me you're the biggest blessing for me, Sunshine. I love you."

And right there, in front of all her friends I had called over who was filming the whole thing, she kissed me hard. Grinning ear to ear the rest as a distant blur of the birthday song and the confetti all going pop, smearing of buttercream with golden glitter on her nose, and kisses with a mouth full of cream, these were little moments I wouldn't ever forget. She had so many presents all piled up on the extra table and she had claimed for it to be the best birthday ever but I couldn't be sure, she had some pretty amazing birthdays as a kid that I wouldn't ever be able to top off.

When that was done, she hurried to her bedroom to use the washroom but I had prepared another surprise for her then. I was caught completely off guard when she hurried off to her room, I had a grand idea to take her blindfolded to her room but it still turned out marvellous either way. She had really just been on her way to the loo and when her eyes fell on the wall, she stopped short in her tracks. Jaw literally hanging open, she brought a hand to her mouth and looked all around in disbelief. Every inch of the wall was covered in pictures of us from our time together. There were so many of the pictures she had taken of me and of herself that I had taken from her old polariod camera when she hadn't been much attention and I kissed her shoulder when she was in that yellow off-shoulder crop top and blue jeans, "Happy birthday, my darling."

She turned around and hugged me so hard I almost forgot how to breathe but after everything we had been through, I held her back with just as much ferocity. I had really missed her. She delicately walked up to her wall and traced the pictures of us, smiling as bright as daylight as she tried recalling when each picture was taken. Claudia and her grandmama had been a huge help with the wallpapers and I owed the idea itself to her hermana. While she was still doing that, I grabbed the guitar Johanna had let me borrow and started singing one of the most beautiful songs ever written. It was a song I had first heard of as a kid and one of a movie I had grown up loving. 'The Fault in Our Stars' was one book that was enough justice when it was interpreted as a movie. I loved the songs but one of my absolute favourites was 'All of the Stars' by Ed Sheeran.

The moment I belted out "Everything led back to you" a teardrop rolled down her cheek and my face had a frown I stopped playing the song, worried about why she was crying but she laughed. She was laughing when she was crying. She said that those were happy tears. She was crying because she was happy. She called them 'happy tears' and punched me playfully to continue singing. And so I picked off right where I had left and I swear I had never found someone more beautiful than at that moment. Her tears on her face and smiling so wide that her cheeks hurt and swaying to the music.

When I was done with the song, she kissed me again and I think that was one of the days I had been kissed the most in my entire life. Her friends barked a laugh at that - she is so in love, they said. She still hadn't noticed a final gift I had for her. When she turned around, she noticed the teddy bear and she was ecstatic! It was almost as big as her size and believe me when I say this, finding a teddy bear that big was a whole lot of work. The number of places I had to visit to find that - sheesh! It was all worth though when she squeezed the life out of it and plucked out the note from its hands - or rather paws - and kissed the paper when she noticed my handwriting saying 'Happy Birthday'.

And though there were many many gifts to be opened yet, her hermana Claudia insisted that she open hers first before any other plans for the day, it was a brand new designer model pastel lavender polaroid and a travel scrapbook along with it. It was a gift from herself and her boyfriend Adrian, the first page in handwritten ink, "For your lifetime of new adventures". Astrid had pecked her cheek and given her a tight hug.

While the rest of the gang were all munching on the delicacies, I and others had prepared and slowly had begun dispersing one by one, Astrid's parents had videocalled. They were both in different places but it was the first time I had seen both of them other than from old pictures of Astrid's childhood. And it was the first time they had seen me - Astrid's "new" boyfriend, they had referred to me as and though it stung a bit, I didn't mind. She looked just like her mum, except for the colour of her hair that she had gotten from her dad. They had urged her to go to the garage and the surprise waiting for her had given even me a huge jolt.

There was a new car waiting for her. A fancy blue convertible - a Lexus LC 500 model of '21. Astrid did not know what to say and for a moment, I had no idea either. She just kept speechlessly gazing between the car and the iPad that Claudia held in her hand. She then turned and went, "What the actual- How- Is this mine?"

Robert Finlay smiled, "Happy Birthday, sweetheart" and then talked to her for a few more minutes before letting her have her sweet time with her new car. It was then that I noticed that her mum was already long gone. Astrid, however, was in ninth heaven. She could not believe that this was actually happening to her and she sure as hell could not believe that her 17th birthday was such a blast.

When Claudia handed over the keys to her to take her car out for a "spin" Astrid sat in the driver's seat, hand clutching the steering wheel, she knew how to drive. She occasionally took the other car - a silver Rolls Royce model - out but this was different. It was a brand-new car that had somehow become hers? She sat there, taking in the sight of the car without turning it on and I sat shotgun. She took in a breath and reeved the car to life but before we could head out, she chickened out.

She climbed over to the shotgun instead and told me, "No no, I'm terrified I can't do this." She send me off to the driver's seat and though I didn't tell her at the start, I was pretty terrified too. It was new, what if I crashed it? When I did tell her that a few seconds after sitting in the driver's seat, she told me with honesty, "I feel the exact same way, but I trust you my love. I trust you completely, utterly and blindly knowing that nothing would ever happen to me while I'm with you."

And I have no choice but to admit that when someone places that much trust in you when you can see that they are not lying with every action of theirs, it's terrifying and beautiful and makes you feel like nothing could ever be hard enough - as if there could never be something that you couldn't do.

I had no idea where we were headed as I took the car out of the garage and onto the road - a part of me was still terrified and astonished by the fact that I was driving Astrid's new car, and another part was excited by the prospect of driving a convertible and another overly cautious about everything. The ruins of Balewick were Astrid's idea, to be frank. We were driving off at 60 miles per hour when she was scrolling through locations on her phone and then she suggested, "The ruins of Balewick?" I had never been there but had about it from odd and curious adventurers that I've met throughout my life. We pulled up GPS and the road heading to the ruins was a smooth ride until the little trek we had to do. Us being paranoid didn't want to leave the car like that but there were only two options - get back into the car and drive home or see the ruins.

We decided on the second choice and the first time we had been there we were mesmerized. We didn't have much time to spend because the sun had already set and it was dark faster but I remember kissing her under the twilight. And we headed home but we both knew that wasn't going to be our last visit.

The beginning of the new semester had thrown us both into much more stress, Astrid especially more so since she got elected as Student Body President and the Edior-in chief of the school Newspaper, I have never found her more enchanting. So much responsibility rested on her shoulder and she was still always as cool as a cucumber, honestly, I think she would make an amazing journalist or a rather badass businesswoman. I have also gotten more involved at the school for her sake - she felt guilty for spending less and less time with me every day, I did so just so she wouldn't feel that. But eventually, I started to like this new activity, who would've thought? I am part of the stage management team of the theatrics department!

The Winter Play was truly a delight, it was a re-enactment of the Wizard of Oz - but gender-bent where it was Theodore ( which essentially meant the same as Dorothy ) and mashed up with Alice in Wonderland where it was Alix instead. It was a pride-inspired play where the male characters became best friends.  It was one of my ideas for the play and honestly, I felt proud of myself. Though the true credits should've gotten to Astrid, we were talking about those movies one night while we were together.

Astrid spent maximum of her time in the Student Department Room and her endless amount of workload just in her studies wasn't making anything any easier. She, however, was thriving under the pressure. Honestly, I would've never been able to do it the way she did.

She studied only on Saturdays and Sundays for those were the only days she seemed to have time to do so. She spend almost the whole day at school on most days, getting home only after 7 PM, usually, I made dinner. Sometimes, we went out for a drive in her car. Having food from driveways and ice creams at midnight was a favourite. Occasionally, we went to the ruins of Balewick. It was just a half-broken-apart 14th-century small-scale castle. A few stairways were broken, it had always been a rather risky place but then again, we both needed a little risk at times.

We at times get out for a daylight getaway. I always drive on those days and she takes her Polaroid camera each time, we click a million of them, and she begins saving every single one of them with her. She's strung up our room in fairy lights and polaroids of us. She is perfect in every possible way.

There was this one time that clearly stands out in my mind, we went out for a daylight getaway to a remote wall located on the edge of somewhere, it was rumoured to have been made by delinquents themselves who had taken the vow to change and for people who wanted to let out emotions but in a healthy way. We had spray cans and the wall of graffiti was truly a masterpiece of so many generations of teenagers before us but when we held those spray cans, we knew that we were going down in history.

It had taken almost an hour to write it out in big capitals with purple spray cans that were visible miles away but it had turned out so satisfying when we watched it after our work was done.

"It is worth, we are worth."

And I hope that someday I and Astrid would last forever, and maybe we will. Maybe we won't. But standing there, hand in hand, purple spray cans in our free hands, her hair all a tangled mess and both of a sweaty heap but I knew for sure that we were going down in history. 

We also saw Ryan a few days after October had ended the previous year. We had just been walking down the cobbled path, hand in hand, kicking off the red leaves that had fallen off trees, gathering the good ones to press between pages and save for the future. She was in a grey beanie and looking very adorable with her hair flowing over her cardigan when we noticed him scowling at us as he stood next to the open boot of his Silver SUV. He slammed it shut and gave us a disgusted side-eye as she got into the car and drove away. 

I had been worried about Astrid especially after he had driven off that way but she was doing just alright, kind of making me question a bit about if she was really faking it or if she was absolutely over him. She told me that he was moving away to another city - we would probably never have to deal with him ever again. Hopefully. She was ecstatic.

On the other hand, Jo, Astrid and I have been getting especially close to each other, it's like we are the trio of the entire region - makes us feel like Harry, Hermione and Ron except with one guy, two girls, less drama and a magic of a different sort. We spend so much time with each other that it's hilarious really. Believe it or not, Johanna has really changed. I think it's a rather beautiful and ephemeral thing to watch her transition from her own closed-off person, the one that let her brother emotionally manipulate her and allow every person to use her as a doormat to her own person with wild insane revolutionary ideas that might very well change the world someday.

To think that she had put herself on such low ground to place everyone else on a pedestal they did not deserve just so that she would be liked a bit more, is a rather sad story. 

Though there is little sadder news to report too. It's so overrated and rather cliche but Peony Ortlund has joined the cheer squad of the school and considers herself an elitist like everyone on the cheersquad bitches. I don't even have words to tell her anymore. Every time Astrid walks by she rolls her eyes in disgust and flips her hair as if she soooo over Astrid, it's ridiculous. 

On the other hand, Owen has been completely MIA since Ryan left. He's not been seen in the school since the beginning of December and rarely stays at home - at least that's what Jo has told us. No one misses him though. 

Astrid has been good and throughout the time together in the span of this year, I am so proud to tell you that I know her like the palm of her hand, yet, I am ever eager to spend more time with her every day - just to observe her in her natural habitat. Just to love her a little more, a bit better every day. Our dynamic has shifted too, I'm not going to lie. She keeps growing every single day and to observe her is better than watching a caterpillar go through metamorphosis. It is a fragile state of grace.

Her natural territory has become her own bedroom at her place and she has taken to living on her own in her house. I can't exactly pin down the events that led her to stay at her own home and of course, some nights get lonely but the times she doesn't feel so good at her own place, we video call until she falls asleep. And on other days things aren't so swell, I drive over to hers or take a jog, though it does take a good half an hour to get there. 

We have always stayed in the same bedroom since we got together and sleep beside each other but that has shifted a bit too, I stay next room and crawl out when she's sleeping most of the time. It isn't that I like the change, I just don't know what to think about it. I have learnt a lot about Astrid and there are some worrisome things that she falls into sometimes but through tests and tries, I have concluded that the best way to help her out is always being there for her. 

I love her with all I have really, and I really really hope that someday she realises that too.   

Today was one of those hard days, I had made her favourite foods though I couldn't do much because I was at the theatrics club planning out some things that needed to be sorted out soon but when I had come back home, she was curled up on the couch, crying. Even after all this time, the sight of Astrid crying never failed to lurch my heart in the most painful of ways. I had left the goods for her in the morning but she hadn't touched it at all. 

She had just also begun her periods and wouldn't stop apologizing for how childish she was behaving and I had to tell her that it was completely alright. When I asked why she was sad, she curled up even tighter in my arms and whispered that she missed Aniston. It was one of the first times I had seen her cry because of her friend. I did not know much about Anne because Astrid didn't want to talk about her too much - she said it hurt too much. Today was the day I realised how much the death of her best friend meant to her. 

Everyone in school knew of how Aniston at early thirteen had been severely anorexic. She had been on a very very restricted diet sometimes going for days without any food at all. Anne worked out too much just because she thought she wasn't in the right "figure". Astrid had tried everything to nurse her back to health but it wasn't working. Eventually, one day after a severe work-out session after which she had passed out a few times, she passed out one last time to not wake up ever again. 

Astrid had forever been impacted by her death because Anne was the closest thing to a sister Astrid would ever have. She had attended therapy for half a year but she quit going after a while, once in a while, she would cry her eyes out for missing all the signs and would blame herself for not trying hard enough and this was one of the times I had to be brutally honest with her in trying to explain that it wasn't her fault. 

It took time and a lot of cuddles, a lot of tries to get her to stop crying herself sick but she did eventually and she held me so tight as if she feared that she would lose me too if she didn't hold on hard enough. I held her back with just as much ferocity. 

I wouldn't lose her too, I had lost too many people in my life already, I knew how that felt by now and I would be damned if I ever let her go through losing people in her life again. If I had somehow manage to lose her in my life. 

Yours,
Caleum Artemis