03rd January 2022,

I do not think I have ever been this happy in my entire damn life the way I have been since the beginning of this year. Like everyone knows I am not one to eulogize the start of another year but the year 2022 had begun on a note of unexpected joy that I believe I did not deserve in any way and yet, Astrid Finlays was changing that from me. I was set on a metanoia that I never realised was needed and I had handed the reins of my life over to her.

Love was indeed a dagger just like the saying went but the thing about it was that if it was the right person, you won't mind doing it a million times over. And Astrid was my person.

Among the daily questions I ask myself every day for more philosophical growth, one question I had left for my future self was - how do you know when you're in love?

And truth be told, I still don't have a definitive answer to that one because you don't for a while but then when you do, you do. It hits some like a tidal wave of realisation but that wasn't how it was for me. Mine wasn't a rude awakening, it was a gentle song lulling me back home to her.

And honestly, I could never be sure what it was about Astrid that made me fall in love with her.

Could not be sure if it was the way she came home to me every day after school when I was sick, or maybe it could have been the hours we spent pondering the greatest mysteries of life and the world. Or it could have been the way she held me the day I showed up in History after a week of being a no-show not caring about who was watching her or us. But it could have also been the way she looks at me when I compliment her - never met another as grateful as her for being alive. Or just maybe, it was all those little things that made me fall in love.

She had magic in her eyes and a soul of gold within her. She was a blessing in a very pretty guise and I was convinced that no one would ever compare to her. Or that's what I'd believe for the rest of my existence.

I've been thinking lately. About a lot of things to be frank.

I've been thinking about whether or not I should've told Astrid all the things I wanted to when we just looked at each other. Million thoughts wanting to spill out, not one spoken. Our eyes danced, the tension in the air was palpable but neither of us said a word. It was eventually broken when Owen Collins came in and began the regular childish game he would never grow out of.

Maybe, I should've told her.

I regret that now.

You know what? I'll be back tonight to complete this letter. I don't think I can keep this feeling inside me for much longer. Be right back!

***

So, it has been around four amazing hours since I last wrote and I have no words to explain the events that have led to such joy deep without my heart and my entire being.

It is as though every part of me is singing and I just feel the urge of bursting open with such happiness that I haven't felt in such a long time.

When I had called Astrid up, she had picked up in a single ring – almost as though she had been waiting for me too. I tried making small talk but I never really was any good at it and Astrid knew that too and so, she went straight to business when she chuckled light-heartedly and asked, "So, you gonna tell me the real reason why you called me up?"

And that made me stutter and scramble around for words because that was what Astrid Finlays did to me. She makes me a bubbling nervous wreck.

God, she's just so beautiful.

... Trailing off point again, I was talking about the events leading to making the 3rd of January the most wonderful day in forever.

So, as I was saying, while I was still speaking sentences that made only no sense at all, she interrupted me with that light-hearted laughter that made my insides feel like they would melt.

"Wanna go get ice cream?"

I stopped short at that as I pondered for a beat and then replied, "Isn't it still snowing outdoors?"

"And so?"

Her tone wasn't mocking nor was it condescending. It was just simply... Astrid.

Another one of the many uncountable reasons I loved Astrid was because she was a tiny bit crazy but in the best ways possible. And no kidding, she was one of a kind.

And that was how I had ended up standing in front of Baskin and Robins, clad in warm woollen clothes from top to bottom with my thick glasses fogging up with my breath, waiting for a particular brunette while it snowed all around me.

I had been waiting for a while like that. Just looking around through the snow, getting annoyed with the glasses and wondering when she'd show up. And after a bit when I had looked down to check the ticking clock on my wrist, I had deduced that maybe she wouldn't be coming after all.

And that was when I saw her.

She was riding an emerald green snowmobile and was racing headfirst towards me and I had been a bit terrified for a moment or two but when she had stopped right in front of where I stood, I had to admit that my smile was brighter than the cloudy sky it was today.

She was in a black leather jacket which was dusted white from the tiny flakes of snow pouring down gently on the two of us. She tilted her head and took off that neon pink helmet she had on and smiled at me – I think I forgot how to breathe for a tiny moment.

On her feet were the boots she had asked for my opinion about a while ago. It was pastel pink high rise converses with tiny white daisies now embroidered into it. I could recall the way her eyes had lit up when I had suggested sewing daisies into it a few days ago.

She shot me a charming grin, "Yeah, I took your advice and it looks really nice."

"You did it yourself?"

She did not lie. "Can't sew to save my life, but abuelita did it for me."

"I could teach you sometime," I had offered and I watched her face brighten like a kid at Christmas. "I'd love that sunshine."

And I blushed a bit at that. I didn't need a mirror to know that my pale ice-cold cheeks were a bright tint of pink then. Even though it had been a while, I still could not stop blushing whenever she called me sunshine. No one else other than mumma ever had a nickname that sweet for me.

She snorted under her breath and even that was a really pleasant thing to listen to, "Works like a charm every time."

"So, are we even gonna have some ice cream in this century or what?" I quickly changed the topic.

And she had held the door open for me to walk in. That was Astrid, just a different brand of magic altogether.

I smiled, "Chivalry ain't all dead."

"Only for you sunshine," she replied, her brown hair bouncing in waves.

As we picked out flavours of ice cream, I asked her, "You styled to come meet me?"

And this time, it was her turn to blush. A light splatter of red across the freckled bridge of her nose.

She shook her head frantically but her grin told me what I needed to know. She had dressed up all pretty in that leather jacket and black stockings and that floral frock just with her lips painted red for me. And I swear I think I could've exploded with joy.

"Yeah," she whispered under her breath. "Do you like that?"

I looked at her from the corner of my eye and found her doing the same. Swallowing my spit, I nodded, "I like you in anything, princess. But I do appreciate the effort."

For me.

She had done that for me.

Me, Caelum Ludwig, the one that no one notices, that no one really cares about.

After the ice cream dinner, I had dashed to pay for the both of us before she could and we had wrestled for a bit, fighting about who would pay for her. But I wouldn't let her. My mama taught me better than to let a girl pay.

The cashier did look between us oddly but neither of us could really give a horse shit about it.

We had walked out of the parlour, side by side when my phone began blaring out its very annoying standard ringtone. Taking it out I realised it was Eliza. Again.

I looked at it for a moment, contemplating it and then, cut her off. I decided to call her back later and stuffed the phone back into the pocket of my track pants.

Astrid chuckled, "Ignoring your girlfriend?"

I told her truthfully, "Eliza's not my girlfriend."

"Have you seen the heart eyes she gives you all the time? Like literally, all the time. Or the way she's always trying to sit next to you in Literature or everything else she basically does to try to get your attention?" she rambled on.

"Too bad," I shrugged nonchalantly. "She knows – and I've voiced it out – that to me, she's just a friend. And besides, I've got my eyes set on someone else."

And to that, she snapped her eyes from looking at the ground to looking at my eyes while I looked straight at her brown ones. She stopped in her tracks and realisation drew to her until she chuckled nervously, "She must be a lucky one."

"Depends on how you see it really."

"Does her name start with an A?" she inquired curiously.

I replied knowingly, now looking straight ahead with a smirk. "Maybe."

She bumped her shoulder into my shoulder and at times like these, I am reminded that I'm like three inches shorter than her. I wasn't worried though. I knew for a fact that I wasn't done growing in length. And besides, it still wouldn't matter if she was taller than I. I'd still be alright with it, nevertheless.

I walked her to her snowmobile and she got on it and for a moment while I got distracted by something, she quickly pecked my cheek. A slight brush of her lips against my cold cheek and I could feel the warmth of her lips on them and I swear my whole body went rigid for a beat.

I looked at her with wide eyes but she smiled at me. "Thanks for today, Caelum. I loved it."

And I was too nervous to reply to her immediately but I recovered after nodding aimlessly a thousand times, "Anyday for you, princess."

Before she got on her helmet, I asked her. "Was this a date, Astrid?"

She grinned that Astrid smiled, "Maybe."

Love,
C.A.L.