18th November 2021,

The first time I went to a party was back in 2020 when I dragged myself into it for Tyler's sake and that was one thing I deeply regret even until today. I had sworn off parties since but how could I say no to Eliza? She wanted to go so badly to that party and I had already refused so many times that it felt bad to reject the idea once more. And one thing led to another, and next thing you know, I'm at Johanna Collin's Autumn Party.

It was boring at the start because like every other place, I arrived early and Johanna looked confused as she told me, "This doesn't start until after 8 PM" and I had to spill out in embarrassment that I was waiting for my friends. She even referred to me as 'Lit kid' and I didn't know what to say- I wish people did not know me sometimes, it's so much easier to hide when you're not well known.

Regardless, people soon began pouring around over me and the mood changed. The quiet house turned chaotic, the lights turned dim red, the bass was high up and things were different in no time. Eliza texted back an hour later after I texted her asking her where she was and it was ridiculous because she said that she had been there all along.

It annoyed me to the ends of my nerves that I kept waiting for so long and she couldn't even have the little decency to reply back earlier. Somewhere before I went out to search for Eliza, I found Tyler but he was apparently really busy and disappeared to god-knows-where. Sometimes, I really hate my friends. He knew how much I hated parties and everything related but they had their own things to deal with and they put up loads with me. Sometimes, I do wonder why they even remain friends with me.

Ignoring the way they both always wereare, I went ahead and tried searching for Eliza and that was bloody torture, I tell you. I had to fight my way through sweaty teenagers and knock at every single door in the two-floored mansion. And in every bedroom, I knocked into, I had to be prepared for anything and everything.

And eventually, I was going to say 'fuck you' to the world and give up and go home when I heard a bit of kerfuffle upstairs as it lead to the attic. I was not one to bother about it and abandon all hope as I wanted to get out of there - it was really suffocating and I had always been one to hate the crowds but something in me made me climb up that old ladder that led up. I blame my own curiosity.

So, I followed my gut and climbed up the old ladder, keeping my volume as low as I could and quietly opened the door of the attic and peeped in. But never was too scared to go in. At first, I thought that I was just imagining things because I could see no one but before I could turn away and head downstairs, I heard the voice again.

"No, this isn't fucking fair," she said and at the start, I felt like I was intruding on a private moment and was about to leave but then I heard something that made me stop in my tracks.

A broken sob was all it took for me to turn right back.

"No, no, it's not fair!" she screamed, her voice breaking at the end. "You can't just abandon me and then waltz back and demand things of me like I am someone you can have even a shred of control over. You do not own me!"

And so, I climbed into the attic slowly and winced when I accidentally stepped on the wrong floorboard and a creak echoed through the old attic. I looked up to check if I had been caught but the girl that sat at the triangular window continued to look out at the dark street, unmoving.

I sat down abruptly in a dusty small corner and just in time because she whipped around, her brown hair that fell halfway down her back flying in the wind, "I- You can't do this to me, I can't live like this, Ryan."

And with the mention of Ryan and I knew exactly who that girl was. Astrid Finlay, of course. Who else had an ex-boyfriend called Ryan and a beautiful profile - even though I didn't have my glasses and could not see properly?

I pulled my glasses out of my flannel pocket and shoved them over my eyes and I could finally see her. She was wearing a really attractive skin-tight black satin a-line dress that accentuated her curves in all the right places but the dress was a summer one and she was shivering like a twig from both her own emotions and the chilliness of the attic.

She pursed her lips and clenched her eyes shut, it was very visible that she was being put in a tough spot by Ryan and she quietly took in a deep sharp breath as she said as calmly as possible, "I'll- I'll talk to you some other time, I got to go."

And she immediately cut the call she had been on and placed the phone on the seat she had previously been warming. She stood there in only the light of the pale moonlight outdoors and the flashing lights of the streets outside her window as she pressed the heels of both her palms painfully to her temples and took deep breaths. If I was being honest, she was on the verge of an emotional breakdown very soon and I felt really bad for her.

But even in that moment of that stressed-out mess that she was and a mix between agitated and perplexed and an odd worry that I was, I remembered that I was intruding but I still didn't want to leave her in such a phase.

I was awfully torn between helping her and walking out of there because I had not been doing a nice thing by listening to a private conversation.

The heels of her palms dug in harder to the side of her temples and her eyes glistened with unshed tears. And one after another, tears came rolling down her cheek as she tried to control her sobs. She was a wreck but I still couldn't help thinking that she was the most beautiful I had ever seen even with those tear-filled eyes. Astrid was the most beautiful wreck I would ever see. She was mumbling something too fast but between those words, I could hear 'stupid kid' and 'stop' and trying to connect the dots, I figured that maybe she was telling herself to stop crying like a stupid kid. She gasped for air and willed herself to stop crying so hard.

A sudden bang distracted her momentarily and I looked out of the half-open door of the attic. I could not resist my eye-roll at the two teenagers who had been making out so strongly that they threw boxes that were stacked one over the other. Seriously, when you had the whole house, did they really have to make out against the old ladder that looked like it was about to collapse at any given moment?

Astrid turned away from my line of vision but I could still see her hands furiously wiping away her shed tears. A second interruption came in the form of a call from downstairs and I immediately scrambled in deeper to hide away from people that could notice me.

"Astrid?"

"Yeah?" she sniffed and wiped her nose with the inside of her wrist, "I'm in the attic, Peony."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good, I just needed some air. Just give me a moment, I'll be there in a few!" she hollered downstairs and blinked her eyes quickly.

She then mumbled something about having to wash her face that I didn't quite catch properly and left down the ladders and shut the attic down firmly, not noticing me watching her all throughout. Honestly, I felt like a creep.

As soon as I was sure that I was all alone, I crept out of my hiding spot from between the boxes and looked around. Hands on my hips, I took in the musky air of the attic that twitched my nose and sneezed as I wondered how she could've found this a nice, comfortable place to get some air.

I walked absentmindedly towards the open window of the attic and peered out and the view of the city was dazzling. Genuinely, the way the city lights glowed looked like it was a beautiful skyscrapered place like New York, minus the hassle. However, Savannah Ridge was anything but a hassleless aesthetically pleasing site. The people were rash - mostly - and the streets were too noisy. But then again, I was born quite a pessimist and Eliza says Savannah Ridge was quaint compared to NYC.

One knee over the only seat available in the attic and I laughed at my silliness as my knee went right over her phone and then noticed the case of the phone. It was covered in golden glitter and my first thought was how much it was exactly like her personality. Bright and glittery. Special and unique.

And I smiled at the thought of her. She was beautiful. She used to write handwritten encouragements to people feeling low before and if that isn't a kind thing to do, I didn't know what was. She was smart and caring and made everything nice. To be frank, I had never seen her hurt anyone ever.

That and her phone buzzed suddenly, lighting up the lock screen. It was a picture of her and a girl I did not know too well enough but someone I had heard about quite a lot. Astrid's late best friend I assumed. Aniston. They were both young, around fourteen years at the most and they had smiles that were so wide that I'm sure their cheeks hurt but the notification that lit the screen stirred something in me.

'Christmas Encouragements need to be sent to the Old Age Home tomorrow, SLEEP NOW TO MAKE IT ON TIME!'

And I chuckled at that, she really was beautiful. Inside, out.

Then after a moment, on the screen came another notification, this time a message notification from none other than Ryan Stelberg.

This isnt over Finlay

And I had to roll my eyes once more. What was really up with this guy? Firstly, the grammar was off; next, even though I did not know Astrid personally, everyone knew that they had called it quits a long time ago. He made that really clear when he humiliatingly broke up with her that day in the cafeteria.

Ignoring the existence of that douchebag that did not deserve Astrid in any form, I searched around for something to write on. Anything to write on and just my luck, it was an attic. And an attic was always filled with old things that no one ever needed. After a bit of rummaging inside the treasure boxes - I'm sure Johanna wouldn't mind, right? - I found a stack of sticky notes and a pink glitter pen right beside it. Not really my favourite colour but it would work for Astrid and I wrote in the neatest handwriting I could possibly write. 

You're really beautiful and please don't cry. You always look better when you're smiling... Not saying that you're not allowed to cry, just saying that smiling suits you more. Oh, what am I saying? Never mind me, just know that you're really beautiful and a genuinely good person that deserves happiness. :)

It was hard fitting all that in that small Post-it note but thankfully I had small handwriting and through a messy scrawl, I hoped that she understood what I had meant by it. And so, I stuck that to the case of her phone and left. A hope in my heart that maybe, she'd understand what I meant.

And maybe. Just maybe, this is the beginning of a feeling within.

Love,
C.A.L.