Five years later.

Pete's POV

It's happening again except I can't cry. Ryan sobs and screams, holding Brendon as tightly as he can. They got married two months ago. The nurses let him out for that day, the one day that brought the most happiness and light to them throughout these dark years. Five years and finally the battle is over. Brendon fought and he lost, this is something he had to do on his own. Cancer is a one on one combat, one that most people don't survive.

"Pete. Pete! How are you ok with this? How has this not broken you?" Patrick asks, dumbfounded at my obvious lack of tears and on-the-surface-emotion. "I was broken a long time ago Trick. I've never had the time to be fixed." Ryan doesn't move. He just clings to Brendon sobbing his heart out. Patrick goes to hug or comfort him but I stop him. Patrick gives me a questioning look.

I beckon him over to me with a finger and we go stand in the corner of the room. "As much as he needs us right now you need to leave him. He needs time to stop crying. Once he's able to at least speak, if he ever will be, then they will move Brendon and we'll take him home. This all depends on how Ryan copes. It's the hardest thing in the world to lose your soul mate Patrick, if you lost Joe you would struggle just to open your eyes everyday. The only thing that would make you would be your brain telling you they're still there. You'll turn over and see their sleeping face, that their arm will still be draped over you. You will do anything to convince yourself that everything's ok. Even if it means losing youself along the way."

Patrick opens his arms and I step willingly into them but I still can't cry. I don't even try. I've given up. What's the point? "I know you're not ok Pete. That's ok. But promise you won't do anything ok? I'm trusting you." I look over his shoulder and I don't see Brendon, I see Mikey lying there, dead and broken but I pull away.  I look him in the eyes and nod. "I promise." When Ryan calms down we take him home. We've all had enough of hospitals. It's weird being here without him. The apartment's quiter. I expect him to jump out of his room and shout at us for something, anything and I can tell Ryan feels the same way.

I look in his watery eyes and break down. I know eyes all to well. They're my eyes. They're the eyes of someone who didn't just lose their husband, their love but someone who just lost their best friend. We're both going to look like this for a very long time and deep down we both always will. "He's gone Pete. We wasted those years. He's just gone."

Ryan's POV

I leave Pete to mourn downstairs. Obviously he's very understanding, he knows how I feel. My hand shakes as I twist our bedroom door handle and step into the cool, dark room. I forgot to open the curtains properly but some slivers of light peek through the fabric covering the glass like a veil. Our bed lays messy and unkempt, clothes strewn across the floor, empty glasses and mugs taking up every level surface. Neither of us spent much time here and when we were here we were mainly asleep.

I set my bags down and start to chuck all the clothing items into the basket. Once I've cleaned up and cleared the floor I'll start packing Bren's stuff. Obviously I'll keep most of it but clothes and some books can go. I'll keep his hoodies, sweaters, CD's and movies. Especially the ones we listened to or watched together, they're little pieces of him I'll keep forever. I know I have to do this but maybe another time. I'm not strong enough right now.

Once the clothes are sorted, I turm my attention to the china. Three mugs in each hand, I skillfully open the door and trudge downstairs. I see Pete in a heap on the floor and I want to join him but I walk past him. If I stop and join him I know I'll never get up again. I need to keep myself busy. After several trips up and down, our room is mainly clean. Smells a bit so I open a window, fresh air's good for me. I decide to not make the bed and instead, fling myself onto it and turn on a random movie. I don't really know what it is but I have to keep preoccupied.

I think about what it would be like if I'd never gotten that phone call. If Brendon just had a bug then I would've gone home after seeing Mikey, looked after him until he felt better and carried on. It wouldn't have been the endless trips to the hospital every single day. We wouldn't have practically lived in there. To be honest I never want to go in one again. There's never any good memories. No one's ever said "my best memory was this on time in hospita..." 'cause it just doesn't exist. Some people survive, some people die. Some people meet each other, some people lose each other and some just have an ouchie but it's always shit no matter what.

If something brought you to that place, the place where people are lost and people are found then it's not always good. It's only good if it's maybe a pregnancy scan or a birth but even then there are complications. Brendon always hated hospitals. I could see how much he despised it in his eyes. It fucked him up bad knowing he was the reason we were always there. I used to tell him about how great it would be when we left, when we got out but...in the end we didn't. I did.

It's weird to think that he's not here. Of course it's sad as fuck and I'll be fucked up for a while but I think...it will take a while for it to kick in. One day I'll probably wake up and wish I hadn't, wish I never would again but that won't be tomorrow. It might not be for days, weeks, months but one day it will come and that day will be the day I regret ever opening my eyes.

I regret the day I answered the phone.

A/N guys the next chapter is the last chapter :'( *cri* I know it's sad BUT it means I will have more time to work on all my other poor babies that I just abandoned. Thank you to everyone reading and if you could please check out blxrryfxced if you haven't already that would be great. She's so amazing and cool and funny and she's a great writer and I love her so fucking much!! Ok bi xox