Tw: Guns, a seriously awful migraine, and THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FLUFFY WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED

Summary: stinky cannibal and sad bitch kidnap animals, brothers are tied up, stinky cannibal and sad bitch start flirting. Or bickering. Whatever your definition is I suppose. Then it gets not fluffy, though rereading this it never was fluffy. Insanity ensues, and unfortunately it's not the Shagorath kind.

•.✧෴۝෴✧.•

"Didn't we already try to do this?"

Gourmand gives a dismissing grunt as he continues searching, his inventor friend close behind.

"I want those eggs Zach" he huffed. "I'm still convinced those little dragons will make a fine feast, and I'm not going to let one little defeat stop me! If I could just get two, maybe three eggs..." He trails off as he continues looking around, his trained eyes going over the familiar terrain. Zach gave a rather loud sigh. He would very much rather not be out here. The last time he and Gaston were here they tried to steal a whole bunch of stupid Commando dragon eggs, or... whatever those big dumb lizards were called. He was scared, and it was illogical sure, but Zach was sure that those dumb dragons would remember who they were! Those things were terrifying, and he definitely didn't want to get chased away by a monster that remembered he tried to eat their eggs! He walked closer to Gaston, not wanting to be left alone in the wilderness. He figured he would be a lot safer If he stayed with the bigger, much stronger man. Him and his gun of course.

"You know I don't know why I didn't think about this earlier." Gaston said as he checked the aim on his hunting rifle. Zach gave a worried glance at the weapon.

"Listen, you're going to warn me when you shoot that thing right?" His high pitched voice whines. "I don't like big bangy loud noises you know, I startle easily." The chef rolled his eyes as he gave his partner a look.

"Relax sweetie, I'm not going to shoot this thing anywhere near you." He said, his eyes darting back to the ground. "You're gonna be behind me after all, you're not in any danger."

Zach felt a tiny smile pulled his lips as he spoke, his face blushing a bit. Maybe his fears were misplaced? He was actually very well protected, the quiet humming of two Zach-bots following them both gave much reassurance, and Gaston was one hell of a shot. "Well, my issue is more the sound rather than your skills as a Marksman-" Zach was cut off abruptly as Gaston froze, holding a finger up to shush the man.

"Hold it!" He whispers, "I thought I heard something." A worried look flashed over Zach's face as he huddled closer to the shorter man, gripping his arm in fear. And then...

Voices. There were other voices. Somebody else was in the forest with them! Zach's eyes narrowed as he realized those voices were disturbingly familiar.

"Oh no, it's the fucking Wild Ratts!" He cussed, his hand coming up to massage his temples. "Oh God please no, I don't want to deal with them again! They make my migraines worse!" And Gaston turns to him, shushing him sweetly, placing a gentle kiss to is forehead.

"Don't worry my sweet strawberry tart," his deep voice reassures, "they won't mess with our plans this time. I doubt they want to tangle with me, your robots and my rifle." Zach gave a pained smile as Gaston spoke.

"Can we avoid them for now?" Zach says quietly, still massaging his temples. "Just the thought of those awful people makes my head hurt."

Gaston gave a quiet chuckle as he led Zach and his robots away from the area the brothers had to be in. "Of course darlin', anything for you."

•.✧෴۝෴✧.•

Aviva cussed as her monitor beeped suddenly. "Ai, ZACH!!!" She shouted, startling everyone. Chris ran up to her with a worried look. "What's wrong Aviva!?"

"I'm picking up signals in the woods nearby that can only come from Zach's damned robots!" She hissed as she almost slammed the monitor screen. Two red dots moving due West and away from their location is shown. "He's BACK for some reason! WHY!?!?" Chris backed away as Aviva became more and more angry. She was already irritated due to several things going wrong around the Tortuga, and now this?

Aviva walked forward and grabbed both of the brothers by their collars, getting right up in their faces. "Listen up you two, I don't care what you do, I don't care what you HAVE to do, JUST PLEASE GET HIM OUT OF HERE!" She roughly shoved the creature power suits against their chests before sending them off to find out what Zach was up to.

"I'll check and see if any other villains are with him, I still have trackers on their vehicles." Koki called, before leaving the room, presumably going to find her tablet. Aviva let out a quiet sob as she slumped back in her chair. She felt awful today, she did not need to have an altercation with any nefarious beings. A small smile pulled at her lips as Jimmy comforted her.

Hopefully this will end well.

•.✧෴۝෴✧.•

The walk was quiet. Mercifully so. Zach still hadn't let go of Gaston's arm, still holding on and trying to soothe his fading headache. In the few minutes that they've been walking they found two Komodo dragon eggs, and Gaston decided to just round up to an even four before heading back to his all-terrain vehicle.

"I need to stop." Zach suddenly said, noticeably breathless, and the chef stopped walking.

"You all right?" He asked, his voice laced with concern. Zach gave a tired nod as he moved to sit down, his Zack-bot quickly zooming over and compacting itself into a neat and clean seat for its master. Gaston scoffed as he watched.

"Why don't you just sit on a rock or a log or something?" He sassed, "It ain't like it's going to bite you."

Zach snapped his head towards the chef, giving him such an intense side eye. "Excuse you!? These pants are very expensive, I refuse to get them dirty by sitting on a nasty moss covered log!"

"Well it's not like moss stains are hard to get out, you could wash them easily!"

"These need to be hand washed, with warm water and by DELICATE HANDS! I've seen that trash camper you fly around in, that piss poor washing machine you somehow managed to shove in there and get working ISN'T going to cut it!"

"Well maybe if you'd stop buying delicate little frou frou things, you wouldn't have to worry about shit like that, now WOULD you? And it's NOT a "TRASH CAMPER", it's an ALL-TERRAIN AIRCRAFT RESTAURANT!"

"WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS THAT FRANKENSTEIN CONTRAPTION!? HOW THE FUCK DID YOU MANAGE TO EVEN GET IT!?"

•.✧෴۝෴✧.•

Well that sounded like a fight.

The Kratt brothers had no trouble finding the two villains, and were honestly distressed to see both Zach and Gourmand back on the hunt. The heroes hide themselves behind some thick foliage, planning out their next move before jumping in.

"Man, they just don't quit do they?" Martin jokes, his voice thick with unwavering confidence. "Oh well, guess we've got to put the hurt on them this time! Oh it's going to be so easy! And Aviva updated the Komodo dragon suit, so this should be fun!" He says with a giggle, looking around for any Komodo dragons to activate. Chris says nothing. He chuckled as he took out a pair of beat up old binoculars to spy on the villains. And instantly the small smirk that was on his face falls away, his brown eyes widened as he looks through. His blood runs cold.

"Oh God Martin," his voice shakes, and his brother freezes. "Martin I... I think he might have a gun!"

"A GUN!?" Martin faltered, tripping on seemingly nothing and letting out a pained grunt once he hit the ground. His voice lowers back down to a whisper. "A gun!? A fucking gun, an ACTUAL fucking gun!?"

Chris could feel his heart race in his chest as he stored the binoculars, he could feel his hands shake as he fumbles with his creature pod.

"I think you were wrong Martin," he says that he calls the crew, "this isn't going to be easy at all."

They both froze in their spot as the shouting got louder.

"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

"LITTLE SHIT BITCH!"

"YEAH WELL AT LEAST I'M TALLER THAN YOU!" Zach shouted as he stood up. Clearly the spat between the two villains had spiraled into a full-blown argument. And neither looked ready to back down. The brothers watched worriedly.

"OH REALLY ZACH?" Gaston yelled, paying no mind to the two Zach-bots currently recording just in case they need to defend their master. "THAT DON'T MEAN SHIT! YOU COULD BE TALLER THAN ME ALL YOU WANT, MY DICK IS STILL BIGGER THAN YOURS!"

Almost comedically, the Zach-bots turn to look at Zach, a sputtering blushing mess. "H-HEY THAT'S NOT FAIR!" He said defensively. "YOU KEEP MY DICK OUT OF THIS!"

"Oh I'll keep it out all right," Gaston growled as he made sure the eggs he had were still safe, "you keep up this bitching, THERE AIN'T GOING TO BE NO SEX TONIGHT!"

Zach gave off a startled shout, as if it was the most atrocious thing he had ever heard. The brothers were floored. The tortuga crew listening in were shocked.

Martin turned to a stunned Chris, eyes darting back too the two villains as they fought.

"This feels kinda personal." He whispered, and if the situation wasn't so damn tense it would be funny.

"Yeah man, I feel like we're invading privacy. I don't wanna listen anymore." Chris whispers back, flinching as the creature pod beeped on his wrist.

"Don't you fucking think about it Brothers, I want them out of here and I want them out of here now!" Aviva's hushed voice could be heard, still very angry. "And the fact that Gourmand has a gun makes things even worse, he might kill one of the Komodo dragons! You've got to get that gun away from him and you've got to get them out of here now!"

The brothers looked at the villains as the creature pod turned off. This was not going to be easy.

•.✧෴۝෴✧.•

"Gaston, that's too fucking far!" Zach whined, nearly tripping over an errant root as he stumbled towards the chef. "You can't just keep sex of all things away from me! What the hell else do I have to look forward to than being rammed in the ass like it's my last day on Earth!?"

"Well maybe after all your bitching I'd just be too tired to do anything with you!" Gaston bites back, pausing mid sentence as he notices another Komodo dragon nest. "Keep an eye out for them big lizards, we're near another nest."

Zach instantly tensed as his eyes darted around. "Uh, does... Does that nest happen to have any eggs in it per chance?" He asks nervously.

Gaston chuckled as he cleaned off the nest, seeing that there was indeed a lot of eggs in there. The chef looked towards the bag he had. Well, since all of these eggs are here he might as well take them. Why should he stop at four?

"Oh yeah Zach," he laughed as he delicately picked up the eggs, "oh there's more than enough for us!"

A loud electrical blast startled the two villains, mortified as they turned around to see both of the Kratt brothers in vicious Komodo dragon suits. Zach screamed as he hid behind Gaston, his robots zoomed into position just in front of the two.

"Oh god, Zach-bots, get them OUT of here!" Zach screamed as the brothers advance. Gaston had begun leading himself and the inventor away as the brothers dealt with the robots.

"All right, don't worry, this is perfect!" The chef laughed before handing Zach the sack full of eggs and digging in his backpack. "Perfect time to test my new concoction!"

"You need to test what now?" Zach asked confused as Gaston brought out his signature sticky-dough gun. The smirk his partner sent his way made Zach shudder delightfully.

"A new recipe I made! Sure to be stickier and harder to get out of then my previous recipes!"

"You're not going to shoot at them with the rifle?" Zach felt his throat grow tight as he imagines the brothers getting hurt in such a way. Strangely he didn't like the idea of that at all.

"Of course I'm not going to shoot at them!" he says, his voice rife with disbelief. "You think I want to risk the murder charges? Besides, it's only supposed to be used for defense against animals. But they don't need to know that." Gaston aimed his dough gun, and after waiting for the right moment fired at the brother's feet, sticking them right to the ground.

"Hey! What the hell!?" Chris's shouted, his own momentum causing him to fall backwards on his butt. Martin shouted as he face planted into the dirt, eliciting a flinch from Zach.

Gaston walked forward cautiously, speaking as he held both his rifle and the dough gun in his strong grip, causing both of the brothers to freeze. "All right you two, I really don't want to use my rifle, but if you try any funny business I won't hesitate to set off warning shots right next to your ears." He hissed. "And I doubt that would be any good for your hearing, now would it?." The chef gave a look to Zach, still gently clutching the bag of eggs to his chest. The inventor had a relieved smile on his face once seeing the brothers subdued.

"Zachy?" Gaston called out, "Would you do the honors? He said, motioning towards the robots hovering over the captured Brothers. Zach gave a thankful nod.

"Okay Zach-bots," the robots stood at attention as their Master spoke, "we'll take the brothers back to this Jerkoff's Frankenstein of a truck and lock them in the spare cages. That way they won't have a chance of messing up our plans this time!"

"And if they think about doing anything stupid, I've got good incentive for them not to!" The chef laughed loudly, giving a little wave of the lethal rifle in his hand.

The brothers looked nervously at each other, very much aware of how much danger they are in.

•.✧෴۝෴✧.•

The chef hummed happily as he locked the cages, twirling the keys around his finger before launching them off to an unknown corner of the room. "Now, as long as you two don't jostle around in those cages too much you should be nice and safe now!" The man laughed as he walked away with the creature power suits in hand, just a few feet away towards the kitchen.

Chris gave Martin a worried look.

"Bro, what are we going to do!?" He cried, his voice cracking in the middle of his sentence. "He took our suits! We can't do anything right now!"

Martin returned the look, just as fearful as his brother. "I don't know bro, but we've got to think of something! We can't let them hurt those eggs! Think of how many sweet precious Komodo dragons won't be born!"

Chris thought a moment, before his face lit up. "Ah!!! Martin our gloves! He didn't take our gloves!!" He says as he turns around, his bound arms tied tightly behind his back. "Martin, the creature pods built into the gloves, we can use that to call Aviva!"

"But how are we going to call her? Our hands are tied behind our backs!" The blonde brother whispered frantically, not wanting to spend any more time in Gaston's domain.

"Don't worry," Chris whispered back, setting himself right up against the cage, back facing his brother. "I've got a plan, put your back to mine and I'll see if I can activate your creature pod."

In the kitchen, Gaston walked over to the already prepped cooking area, passing by a still irritated Zachary. "Aww, what's eating you now?" He said as he gave his partner the power suits before washing his hands diligently.  The paler man gave him a nasty pout as he spoke, almost paying no mind to the advanced technology in his hands.

"You know what's eating me you asshole." He spat. "You started a fight out of nowhere, and you insulted my dick!" He motions to his crotch, before tossing the suits carelessly on a nearby chair and throwing his hands up wildly as he continued shouting.

"I can't believe you would just drag my crotch into this! And if I want to plant my ass on one of my Zach-bots I think I will!! Nothing's stopping me after all!"

The chef gave a tired groan as he dried his hands. "Oh come on Zach, will you shut the hell up about it?"

"NO!?" Zach screeched. "No I'm not going to shut the hell up about it, you need to apologize!"

"Apologize for WHAT!?"

"YOU CALLED MY DICK SMALL, YOU CROSS-WIRED MICROWAVE!!"

"WELL SO WHAT!?" Gaston threw his hands up in frustration, turning to face Zach. "IT'S SMALL! SMAAAALL!"

"IT'S NOT SMALL, IT'S AVERAGE AND YOU KNOW IT!" Zach shouted back as he got up in Gourmand's face. "YOU BETTER APOLOGIZE RIGHT FUCKING NOW- AHH my fucking head!!" The inventor cries, hands flying up to cradle his aching skull. Gaston stops for a moment, fear in his eyes as he lowers his voice.

"Oh... well how the hell am I supposed to apologize?" Gaston snipped, "You're such an unwashed ass it's almost IMPOS-" he stops before his voice gets too loud again. "... It's impossible to apologize to you."

The closer they got the quieter they became, the frantic shouting finally turned to a much less intense volume.

"You're just so damn pig-headed sometimes Zach." Gaston sighed, his brows furrowing as he realized just how tired he was. "I mean, God damn it, you can be so insufferable for no other reason than to just be an ass." Zach stared as the chef continued, saying nothing as he stepped closer, noticing just how quiet they both have become. "I don't get why you have to be such a pricky little bitch all the time. And it's not like that's always a bad thing, it's not, but sometimes you're just so goddamn... hell, you're just fucking difficult." The shorter man lets out a tired sigh.

They both knew the relationship was going to be strained when they started it, so it wasn't like they weren't prepared. But still.

Gaston freezes as he felt Zach's thin lips connect with his, before the man pulls away and wraps his thin arms around him. The chef was confused, saying nothing as he hesitantly returned the hug.

"You're an asshole too." The taller man says, and before Gaston can say anything he continues. "You're an asshole, and I'm an asshole. We're both just awful people. I get that I can be abrasive, and I hate that I'm like that sometimes. And maybe I wouldn't act that way around you if I didn't feel... safe with you. Like... I dunno, I don't have to worry about getting hurt with you"

Gaston looks up at Zach's face, finding very tired eyes and a gorgeous smile staring at him. "I like being with you." He says after a while, letting his arms drape around the other man's shoulders. "I really do like being with you, and I know we both can be kind of bitchy sometimes and... Ahh shit."

Zach wills himself to say the dreaded words he honestly hates to say. But for the man in his arms, he would make an exception for anything.

"I'm really uh... I'm sorry." He finally says. "I'm sorry for being an asshole earlier... you're not a cross-wired microwave."

"And I guess you're not that much of a prick." The chef laughed quietly as he buried his face in Zach's chest. "I can't believe you just apologized to me."

Zach's brow rose as a mischievous smirk flashed across his face. "Yeah, I'm such a good person, aren't I?" He says so smugly, and Gaston immediately hears alarm bells in his head. "I suppose now it's your turn to apologize to me!" He looks back up to Zach, cautiously going through scenarios in his head.

"You know that wasn't nice what you said earlier," Zach said softly, his voice husky and low as he talks. "I mean you've completely damaged my pride! I feel like you should kiss it to make it better."

Gaston gave a little chuckle, holding Zach tighter as he stands on his toes. "Well all right, pucker up my little string bean!" But before their lips can connect, Zach moves away.

"Oh no!" Zack said over dramatically as his hand slid down Gaston's chest. The chef was confused until Zach spoke again. "No no, I didn't mean kiss my lips." He says with a pointed look downward. And poor Gaston, his face grew ablaze as he realized what was just requested of him.

"Oh-ooooooohhhh! Oh no Zach, you little devil!" He laughed, giggling before pulling Zach into a sweet heated kiss. The two leaned against the counter, kissing and letting their hands roam wherever they please.

"NOOO!!"

And a chorus of objecting shouts erupted from the other room, startling the two men as both of the Kratt brothers and Aviva, much to Zach's distress, had ran into the room.

"OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL!?" Martin shouts before launching himself at the villains. They both screamed as they were pinned down on the floor by the brothers. "WE WE'RE IN THE OTHER ROOM FOR FUCKS SAKE, WERE YOU ACTUALLY ABOUT TO SUCK HIM OFF?!?!"

"WHERE ARE THE EGGS!?" Chris screamed as he noticed the dreaded rifle right next to the counter, and before Gaston could reach it he kicked it away, far out of his grasp. "No, you're not using that! Where are the eggs!?"

Before he can say anything else however, Aviva pushed past him, getting right up in Zach's face. "Joder mierda maldita sea donde esta DONDE ESTA!?" She screams as she frantically looks around. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SUITS!?"

Martin struggled to hold Gaston back as poor Zach was verbally assaulted by the absolute nightmare that was an angry Aviva. "My God, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO THEM YET! They're on the chair over there!" He screams with a pained look. Aviva turned to where Zach was pointing and snatched the suits up, visibly relieved to see them undamaged. She then gave a look to Chris who still held Zach firmly.

"Where are the eggs?" He demands, purposefully ignoring the cusses thrown at him by the villain chef.

"Come on, can't you please keep your voice down!? Not like you're already screwing with my head enough, now you've got to make it hurt even worse-"

"WHERE THE HELL ARE THE EGGS!" All three Kratts shout in unison, and Zach let's out of pained gasp as his migraine flares. He shivered in his spot as he pointed towards the large brown sack on the counter, his breathing getting quicker and more frantic.

"Look, they're in there, just- just PLEASE just FUCKING LEAVE!" He screams, standing petrified, trembling so violently in his spot as Aviva ran to grab the eggs. Just in time, as Martin was starting to get quite exhausted from holding Gaston back, still thrashing around and cussing violently. The brothers were ready for a fight as Gourmand finally broke free from Martin's hold, but instead of turning to attack them, he instead ran over to Zach.

"Hell, sweetie what's wrong?" He says as Zach drops to the floor, shaking and almost in tears. "C'mon honey, look at me!" He cradles the thinner man's face as he gently holds him. He didn't know what to do, what was going on!? A migraine doesn't do this, does it?

"Zachy, come on please! Just look at me! What's going on baby, what's wrong with you?" His voice is quiet and fearful, and when Zach didn't answer he began to panic.

"Is he okay?" Chris asked, and Gourmand had half a mind to take those eggs and beat the kratt upside the head with them.

"I think he's having a panic attack." Martin whispered, just loud enough for the chef to hear. The man looked at the blue clad brother with fury in his eyes.

"Why don't you freaks get the fuck out of here!" He cussed as he held the inventor closer. "This is all your fault anyway, he told you to shut the fuck up!" The pale man in his arms started to finally cry, his breathing still very erratic, shaking and holding on to Gourmand for dear life. He'd never seen the man like this before. He was actually scared.

"Listen, we didn't mean to cause distress, but maybe next time don't steal endangered eggs from the- AH!" Aviva shouted as Gaston grabbed his sticky-dough gun and wildly shot in the Kratts general direction, causing them to run away with both the suits and the eggs. His breathing was rough as he kept the gun aimed at the door, debating on whether or not to chase them down with his rifle. Show them he means business. But the shaking man in his arms kept him glued in place. No way he'd ever leave his love like this. Never would he abandon him to suffer this alone.

"Gaston-"

The chef turns his worried gaze towards Zach, instantly dropping the dough gun and caressing the thinner man's gaunt face. "Shhh, shhh, there there love," he spoke quietly, softly, wiping away the warm tears as he whispers. "They're all gone now baby, it's gonna be alright."

"My h-," his voice is pained as his grip on the larger man finally begins to loosen. "Head, it hurts so much." His arms go limp falling to his lap as he finally let's go, still quietly sobbing.

"It's gonna be ok Zach, here, lets-" Gaston grunts as he stands up, helping the inventor to his feet. Slowly Zach is able to stand on his own, and Gaston leads him over to the small loveseat by the window. "Ok sweet pea, stay here and I'll get some painkillers for you, Ok?" His voice is sweet and low, and such a comforting presence. Zach nods a silent 'ok', and before Gaston leaves he places a quick kiss on the inventor's lips. It was a short thing, but the genuine love behind it was unmistakable. As he watched Gaston leave for the kitchen, Zach I really didn't want him to go. He wanted him to stay and hold him some more, just anything to not be alone.

He didn't leave him alone, he realized. He could have followed those awful Kratts, but he didn't. He stayed with him. Zach could feel the tears build up again as he realized.

Gaston stayed for him.

It was only a minute until Gaston came back, some generic bottle of painkillers, a bottled water and a muffin in hand.

"All right, I know it isn't much, but here's some water to chase those pills down with, and one of the muffins I made yesterday! It's chocolate hazelnut, one of your favorites!"

"Thank you." Zach says. The chef gives him a warm smile before placing everything down on the coffee table in front of them. "All right sweetheart, you're only supposed to take two of these right now, you'd have to wait six more hours before you took any more, and-"

"Please hold me?"

The chef froze as Zach whispered, his jade green eyes locking with Gaston's own dark olive hues before darting away. "I just... I think I need that right now."

Gaston says nothing, he simply smiles as he slowly sits beside the other man, helping him take the medicine and making sure he didn't choke on the muffin like he always does. And then they hold each other. Just lying in each other's arms, breathing in and loving each other's warmth. They didn't say a thing, they just sat in silence and enjoyed each other's company.

They both had fallen asleep, drifting off at some unknown hour as the time passed. One of the rare times they actually got to sleep together, rather than merely spend a few hours together.

The day definitely didn't end as well as they would have hoped, but at least they had each other.

•.✧෴۝෴✧.•