February 2nd.

It's Saturday, two weeks since Nathan and I kissed and he fingered me in the bathroom. The memories are still as fresh as if it just happened.

I still feel like I'm orbiting around him whenever he's in the room. I still feel like I'm on some sort of super charge of sexual tension that's going to snap at any moment and I'll throw myself at him because I'm going insane with need for his touch.

Which is why I had to get out of the house this weekend.

Lydia and I went and saw momma this morning. We had lunch and a chat and now we're at the Philip S. Miller Park on the adventure playground.

Lydia loves this park. There's a massive slide and heaps of things for her to burn her endless energy on. She has no trouble be friending other children and it looks like there's a few kids from school here too.

My phone gets a text while I'm watching Lydia climb up a rope ladder with complete ease. I wonder what it's like to have that sort of strength and energy. Lifting my ass off the cold bench seat, I slip my phone out of my back pocket.

It's Dallas.

It's my birthday on the 10th.

My gloves won't let me tap the screen of my phone. With some reluctance, I slip them off and put them in my lap, cringing at the cold and how stiff my joints get when I tap out a text.

Shit. Glad you told me that. After like fifteen years of friendship, I still wasn't sure what date it was.

Sarcastic bitch. You better watch it or no Bebe Rexha tickets for the Denver leg of her tour.

You're doing the tour?!

Ya. Dray is going to come and just head home for football commitments. We'll make it work.

Smiling, I sweep the park for the thousandth time since we started this conversation. I don't like looking away from Lydia for too long, not when stranger danger is so real.

We've had the conversation about danger over a million times. We have a password that her safe adults know, we've covered all the luring tactics, what someone might say to get her alone. As prepared as I've tried to make her, anything can happen and not being vigilant isn't an option.

I spot her in the same place she was before, near the bars with a couple of other kids. Scanning the park I note only moms and a few dads with their kids. No one that looks out of place.

That's so exciting Dal. You've worked hard. You deserve this.

Thank you beautiful. As always, I wouldn't be where I am without you helping me through high school. Love you to the moon and back.

Dallas never fails to thank me for all the academic assistance I gave her during school. Specially senior. It never occurred to me not to help her. She's my best friend and it was a given that I'd help her in areas I excelled and she didn't.

Whenever she spoils me, she calls it belated tutoring payments.

I love you too.

Anyway, back to my buuurday. I've booked airline tickets for you, Lydia and Nathan to come to California next weekend. Don't wanna hear any of that 'no you shouldn't have' crap. Belated tutor fees. I'm thinking we do Disneyland with Lyd. At least one day there. Drayton is dying to take her.

I look over at her again, giggling with the children, her blue beanie pom pom bouncing on her head. She's going to be absolutely ecstatic. As hard as I find it to accept Dallas' generosity, I know why she does it and I appreciate her. I've never felt left behind.

Fingers getting more frozen, I tap out a slow response.

You're way too good to us. I'm insanely excited to get out of this cold for a weekend.

The part I'm a little more hesitant on is the flight with Nathan. It makes sense for us to go together but being under the same roof as him and Dallas is a little unnerving. Especially because she picks up on even the most subtle clues.

I start to coax Lydia off the playground so we can head home. It's a long process, one that involves her begging to show me just one more trick before she leaves. And then one more, one more, one more. It goes on for a while until I tell her that I have some exciting news.

While we drive home, I tell her about the trip to California, leaving out the Disneyland surprise and I swallow the bout of anxiety that I get when her first question is whether or not Nathan is coming with us.

She's getting attached to him, I can tell. Which isn't surprising. He's attentive and kind, he spends time with her, real time that isn't just shoving a device at her in the hopes he'll leave her alone. Sometimes I forget that he's raised a little girl before.

Granted, Dallas was nine when he stepped into that role and he still had his grandmother around until she was fifteen. But he was hands on, he loved Dallas to bits and he was always there for her, even when he was struggling to be there for himself.

                       Nathan is on the phone when we get home. He's pacing the living room in his sweat pants, his hand under the hem of his white t-shirt while he scratches his toned stomach. I watch him while I slip out of my coat, scarf and gloves and hate how effortless his attractiveness is.

"Can I have a hot chocolate?" Lydia asks, throwing her gloves into the basket.

'Yeah, come on, I'll help you."

"Yes mommy, you help me, but I'll do most of it," she points at the cabinet above the bench. "You get me the cup."

Apparently the first three cups I get down aren't the right ones and I'm about bang my head against the wall when Nathan comes around behind me and reaches into the cabinet, still on the phone.

His front presses into my back and I feel his crotch on my ass, I almost wonder if he lingers longer than he needs to when he finally gets down a blue mug with a middle finger on it.

I gape as he steps back, phone to his ear and mouths a sorry at me, which I don't think he means because he's fighting a wicked smile.

Lydia claps once and bounces on her toes. "That's the one."

"Where did this even come from?"

"I found it in the dishwasher and Nathan said I can use it when I asked him because I thought it was funny. He said it's my special morning cup."

Yeah, morning as in, before I'm awake to see it. Still, I'm not too bothered, I probably should be, but there are worse things she could find amusing. Lydia rushes around the kitchen getting out the marshmallows and the milk and the spoon and when everything is in the cup apart from the hot water, she attempts to grab the kettle.

"Uh, hang on," I grab the handle. "I'll help with this part."

"Yep yep," she's dismissive, wrapping her little hands around mine to help me pour.

Her independence is one of my favorite things about her, but sometimes I fear she's going to bite off more than she can chew. Nathan saunters into the kitchen once his phone call is done, his hair is disheveled and his stubble is a little longer than normal. The rugged look works so well for him. He leans on the wall and grins.

"Like her cup?"

I put the milk in the fridge beside him and smile. "I love it."

His grin gets wider. It reminds me of how things were starting to get before we kissed. When we were starting to get along and have fun with each other. I want it to go back to that. Even if I do imagine him throwing me onto his bed whenever he looks at me.

"Listen," he gestures for me to follow him and walks out of the kitchen into the living room. "Matt and Holly invited the three of us to their place for lunch tomorrow. Uh. . . we don't— you don't have to go."

"I don't mind going."

He looks pleasantly surprised. "You want to go?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

He swallows, his gaze doing a quick sweep of my figure. "Thought we were kind of avoiding each other."

I lightly laugh. "We've been invited to a lunch, Nathan. With other people and children. It's not a private back room in a strip club where it'll be just the two of us."

His jaw flutters, his stare boring straight into me. "I mean, we could do that instead."

"We're not blurring lines, remember?"

He sweeps me again, the most animalistic hunger in his eyes. "Yeah, hands to ourselves. Mouths. All of those. . . parts."

I can't handle this sort of tension, it's just fuel to the flames that I feel for him. I'd had a little taste but not enough. I had a feeling it would never be enough.

Turning around, I go back to the kitchen where Lydia is sitting on the bench drinking her hot chocolate. The edges of her mouth have licks of brown on them.

"Let's go to the movies tonight, hmm?" I suggest, looking over at Nathan who's standing in the same spot, hands in his sweat pockets and filthy thoughts all over his hard features. I look back at Lydia. "Just you and I."

                           On Sunday mid morning, Nathan, Lydia and I arrive at Matt and Holly's place with a bowl of chicken salad that Nathan made when I took Lydia to the movies last night. At this point, I'll do whatever I can to not be around Nathan more than I have to, because it's clear the feelings of sexual desire aren't going anywhere.

I'm not desperate enough to move out. The living situation is too ideal and I'm not uplifting Lydia again just because I can't control my urges.

We head straight inside and hear the fun going on in the living room. Toby and Jack are building block towers and throwing their action figures at them. Lydia watches a Black Widow figurine fly across the room and crash into a tall building.

"Hi," she hands me her coat and walks straight into the chaos. Toby stares at her like she materialized out of thin air. "That looks like a fun game. Can I play?"

Jack is a little younger and doesn't seem as baffled by her appearance while he stacks another building of blocks. Toby hands Lydia a figurine without a word.

"She's cool," Nathan chuckles. "Just joins in, no hesitation."

I love it when he appreciates those qualities I admire so much about my daughter. Without responding, I walk into the kitchen, Nathan behind me, and set the bowl on the kitchen counter. Holly and Matt have their heads together, laughing over something while they scoop enchilada filling into wraps.

Holly has her mint green and blonde hair up in a bun like last time, her make up is once again, something I'm envious of. Her big thick wings are flawless. I have no idea how she achieves such perfect lines.

"Hello, hello," she sings, still giggling, Matt gives us a quick nod in greeting.

Nathan looks between them both. "You two high?"

"I'm not," Matt shakes his head, his expression turning serious for a moment. "Holly had a little bit a few minutes ago."

"Just a little bit," she grins. "Not a lot. Not enough to make me like, stupid. It's just a little buzz."

Her explanation is for me. I guess Nathan knows what her usage is like. I wave a hand to cut her off. "I'm not judging. You're good. I happen to lift my mood from time to time as well."

She winks and lifts up the tray, sliding it into the oven while Matt cleans up.

Matt uses the hose tap to rinse the bowls in the sink and looks over at me. "Where's your little girl?"

"Oh, she went straight into the living room to play with Toby and Jack. She's bold like that."

"That's so cute," Holly coos, getting a bottle of OJ out of the fridge. "The boys would never do that. There's at least twenty five minutes of hanging onto my leg and following me around whenever we go somewhere new. Drink?"

Nathan and I both nod and after the juice is poured, Nathan leans across the breakfast bar and takes both glasses, handing one to me.

I smile with thanks and notice a little speck of fluff in his facial hair. I pick it out and hand it to him. He twiddles his fingers, letting the fluff float to the ground and bops me on the nose.

"Thanks."

"You two are so cute," Holly traipses around from behind the breakfast bar, her slippers scuffing the floor. "You'd almost forget you're not a married couple."

That was the absolute last thing I needed to hear.

Nathan clears his throat and puts some distance between us, as if the word married might jump out and bind us to each other forever.

"Hols," Matt chides and Holly notices the sudden separation between Nathan and I.

She winces. "You're single, right?"

I nod, not looking at Nathan because his reactions make me all stupid and weak minded.

"Thought so," she sets her cup down and sits at the table, patting the space next to her. I sit down and Nathan joins Matt.

"I have this funny story. I was at daycare the other morning and my friend's brother was there picking up his niece and he goes, 'have you met this new mom at CRE? Her daughter just started'. And I'm stumped for a second. And he goes, her daughter Lydia is in the same class as Carter'. Carter is my friend's son. So it clicks and I'm like, yeah I've met her. And he goes, 'she is beautiful, I wanted to talk to her but I wasn't sure if she was in a relationship' and I told him you're not."

I stare at her, sort of shocked, flattered, confused. There's a lot to sort through before I can answer her. I make the mistake of looking over at Nathan who is watching me with a thunderous stare and I can't believe the audacity of it.

"He's attractive," Holly clinks her rings against her glass and nods. "You should. . . consider it? I don't know. Depends on where you're at in terms of dating."

I'm not there. Not at all. Even if I wasn't super into Nathan, Lydia has no idea her dad and I aren't together. She'd be so confused if I started dating someone new. Whatever relations I have with another man would have to be top secret.

Part of me wonders if it would be a good idea to have some fun with someone else, get my mind off Nathan for a little while. Perhaps start feeling something for someone I'm not living under the same roof as.

"I'm not looking for something serious," I confirm.

She swallows her mouthful of juice. "I don't think he's a settle down sort either. He might be as bad as Nathan."

Well, that's just great. Once again, peering over at him, I notice his leg bouncing, his jaw tight.

"You could give him my number," I tell Holly. "We'll see what happens from there."

This might be a dangerous game, but at the same time, it's not a game. I need to find a balance between living with Nathan and not wanting to jump his bones whenever he breathes. I can't see the harm in taking my mind off him with someone who is as non committal as I am right now. I'm sure he'll end up doing the same thing. He's too horny not to.

           Lunch goes well. Lydia has so much fun with her little friends and Holly and I spend the entire time talking again, while Matt and Nathan do their own thing. He watches me sometimes. I can feel it, this burning stare searing into me.

It isn't until we're in the car on the way home that I finally ask what his problem is.

He looks in the rear view mirror at Lydia who looks tired. "Nothing."

We go inside in silence. Lydia heads to her bedroom to draw, Nathan tops up the fire and I go to the kitchen to put the leftovers in the fridge. Holly sent us home with enough to feed us dinner.

My phone blips from the back pocket of my jeans and I check it to see an unknown number.

Hey, it's Kane. Holly gave me your number. How's it going?

I hadn't expected him to text me this fast. Suppose when there's one thing he's hoping for, playing it cool isn't really necessary. Perhaps I should've found out a bit more about him before I agreed to this. Like, what he looks like.

If he can be forward, so can I. 

Hey, can you send me your Instagram profile?

I slip my phone back into my pocket and finish cleaning up the kitchen. I hadn't noticed Nathan leaving the room, but he's gone when I start wandering into the hall. By the time I've checked on Lydia who is sitting in the corner of her garden room drawing, and then gone back to my own bedroom, I get another text.

It's a link to a profile.

Kane isn't bad looking. He's got shoulder length black hair and a nice smile and sweet blue eyes. From his photos it looks like he's into gaming and drinking. That's all his page is full of. Clubbing photos and screenshots from games.

I don't know why I'm judging his hobbies. I don't plan on dating the dude.

A text pops down from the top of my screen.

Did I pass?

I sink down onto my bed and tap out a response.

How old are you?

24

He's not a lot older than I am, but I suppose that doesn't matter. Again, I don't plan on dating him.

I'm not looking for something serious.

That's a relief. At least I don't have to beat around the bush and pretend I'll call. Lol.

Ew. Am I this desperate?

My thumbs twiddle over the screen as I debate on how to respond. How do I respond to that? Zero thoughts, zero ideas. Suddenly, another message from him pops up.

You wanna come over?

I haven't dated in so long that the blatant invite for a quick hook up surprises me. It shouldn't, but I'm not used to this vibe. And now I'm nervous because I don't think I'm the sort of person to just show up and sleep with someone.

Is that fun? Do people enjoy that? It's not that I think they shouldn't but half of the fun is all of the build up toward the sex, right? The glances across the room, the slight touches, the teasing. Perhaps I'm just biased because when I think of all that, there's only one person I can see building those moments with.

I mean, I've had casual sex in high school but I was usually drunk and I don't think it was always the most consensual sex. Not when I was so wasted all the time. I shudder, serious concerns for my own baby girl growing up and potentially being exposed to so much filth.

Do I wanna go over? There's no way I'm asking Nathan to watch her while I go and have sex with someone I've never even met before. Who am I kidding. There's no way I'm doing that. It's a joke to even pretend I'm genuinely interested.

Sorry, I can't. I have my daughter.

Oh, true. No stress. We'll sus it for another night. Let me know when she's at her dads or whatever.

I scoff. Yeah, right. When she's at her dads.