9th January.

Matt and Holly live in a brick house, two stories, a cute garden bed stretching along the front of the house, a picket fence and planter boxes on their front windows. It's quaint and cute.

Nathan parks behind the SUV in front of the garage and kills the engine. My mind is still reeling from his offer to let Lydia and I live with him. Part of me thinks it's too much. The other part of me is desperate enough to move out of Momma's.

And then some deep down part of me is terrified of what I feel when I look at him. He's so unbelievably hot and the more I see him, the more I feel that. Feel him.

He's tall and defined and always looks so smouldering. He's sex on legs and I'm not sure I have the willpower to live with him and not let it get the best of me.

Not that he necessarily would take up an offer if I initiated it. He probably sees me as Dallas' best friend and nothing more.

But, he did kiss me on New Year's.

And then he acted as if nothing happened.

It's all so confusing but I decide not to dwell on it right now and flick momma a text as we walk up to the front door.

Having dinner with a friend. Be back later.

Nathan doesn't knock, he lets himself in and the warmth of a fire hits us. I know it's a fire. There's a big difference between heater heat, and fire heat. It smells like fresh wood and home cooked food.

The front entrance has a nook made up of a bench seat with shelves at the bottom for shoes and hooks at the top for back packs and coats. There's toddler sneakers on the floor and little jackets thrown on the ground, like someone rushed in and threw their shit around.

"Apologies for the state of the house," someone calls from close by, the kitchen I'm assuming.

Nathan and I share a quick look of understanding and toe off our shoes. I have a daughter, I'm not going to judge a bit of mess.

There's toys in the hall, clothes drying on the stair case railing, family portraits and kids art pinned to the walls and rambunctious shouting coming from the second floor. This is the home of a happy family, where the children are allowed to live and thrive and immediately, I'm in love with the atmosphere.

In the kitchen, pots are steaming on the stove top and a beautiful woman is stirring a pan full of vegetables and egg. She's so small and so bold at the same time. Her hair is mint green but her bangs are platinum blonde, she has a septum piercing, cheek dermals and an armful of tattoos. Her make up is flawless.

Her smile is her best feature and it only grows when she looks at me trailing in behind Nathan who sets the instant pudding on the bench.

"Holly," he gestures at me. "This is Gabby. Gabby, Holly. You met her husband at the bar the other week. Matt. He's around somewhere I assume."

"Yeah upstairs," Holly says dismissively. "Oh the bar. Yes. I heard about that."

I wince, embarrassed that my behavior had been tragic enough to become a conversation point. "Cool. That's cool."

Holly laughs, it's an ethereal sound, light and melodic. "Don't stress. The girls used to be invited to the bar and then we got too fucked up too many times and got shunned. Born was boys night."

"You got fucked up too many times," Nathan tells her, leaning a palm on the bench. "We couldn't shun you and not the others. Ruined it for all of them."

She playfully scowls at him and flicks the element off, setting about draining the pot of rice. Nathan hovers close to me, his arm brushing mine and I think about side stepping out of his proximity because it's distracting.

"I hope there's enough," I whisper when Holly turns around to add her pan full of ingredients to the rice. "Since we didn't give her notice I was coming."

He leans in close enough that I can smell his cologne and feel his breath on my cheek. "There's always a ton leftover," he whispers and his voice, even a whisper, is so deep and sensual. "There'll be plenty."

Suddenly there's a pounding of footsteps coming down the staircase, shouting and laughing and then two little boys come tearing into the kitchen wearing superhero capes and masks. They look close in age, one of them slightly bigger than the other.

They start wrestling next to the table and in follows Matt, he's tall and slim with a short beard and a nose piercing. He has his head tipped back with exhaustion, his shoulders slouched.

"I went up to get them into their jam jams and somehow they kicked my ass and decided to be superhero's instead. I'm not sure, but I think I'm the villain in their game."

"Jam jams," Nathan lightly laughs. "Cute."

Matt looks at me, a half smile which seems to be curious as he extends his hand. "Gabby right? I'm Matt. Didn't realize we had an extra guest for dinner."

Looking at Nathan, I swallow a bout of embarrassment. "I'm sor—"

"No no," Matt walks over to the little boys wrestling on the floor, the table leg takes a hit from Thor. Doctor Strange picks up the closest toy and hurls it. "I didn't mean it like that. Nathan usually comes alone that's all. This is Toby and Jack. Did you say hello to uncle Nathan?"

They get up and bound over to Nathan, still in fight mode, their little legs throwing high kicks while Nathan picks them up, one in each arm. He perches them on his hips.

Holly says, "Toby is Thor, Jack is Doctor Strange. Almost five and three."

I smile at her and then look at Nathan, he's being punched in the shoulder, which doesn't seem to phase him much. Matt walks around the table and straightens up the place settings, having gone askew after the kids pushed the table in their battle.

I hate to admit it, but Nathan looks sort of gorgeous with a couple of kids on his arms.

"One of you two smells like a big turd," he screws up his nose. "I'm betting it's Jack."

"It's Jack," Toby points at his little brother, who is somewhat oblivious as he continues to punch Nathan. "I poop on the toilet. Jack wears diapers."

Nathan screws up his nose. "What a baby."

Matt cleans Jack up, Holly finishes the dinner preparations and we sit down at the table. I quickly check my phone and see a text from mom. I hadn't felt it vibrate, but perhaps I'd been too focused on the excitement, this family, their happiness and warm welcome.

Yeah sure I'll watch Lydia again. No problem. I'll let her know that her mother has more important things to do than kiss her goodnight.

Momma sure knows how to drive the knife in, she doesn't hold back when it comes to guilt trips. Lydia is in safe hands, she's loved and cared for, it's not like I would ever leave her in a situation I wasn't comfortable with. Mom was the one who sent me off with a slap earlier. If she expected me to come straight home, she was setting herself up for disappointment.

Not bothering to answer, I slip the phone back into my pocket and find Nathan watching from his spot beside me.

"You good?"

"Yeah."

He doesn't look convinced but I ignore him. The fried rice is in a big bowl, served in the middle of the table with several spoons for dishing up. There's so much noise, forks clattering, the kids shouting and the overhead fan still blaring on the other side of the room.

Holly gives the kids a bowl each, watching with disdain when Jack pushes it straight off the table. Not on purpose, he was reaching for his cup and toddlers can be so uncoordinated. Matt makes quick work of picking it all up and dishing him out a fresh bowl.

The fried rice is mouthwatering, I'm not stoned anymore but I'm definitely hungry. Hungry enough to shamelessly shovel forkfuls into my mouth while the rest of the table talks. Nathan fills Matt and Holly in on how school has been since it started back.

"Toby has a school visit at CRE in a couple of months," Holly looks at her oldest, busy picking the egg out of his rice and wiping it on the table.

"My daughter just started there," I say.

Her eyes widen with excitement. "Oh true? Cute. We should get the kids together sometime. How old is she?"

"She's five. I think she's struggling a little bit because she started later than the rest of the kids in her class but she's good at making friends. She'll be fine."

Matt gestures his fork at the kids. "These two are too used to each other. Anywhere new and they just keep to themselves most of the time."

"They're cute," I watch them, so similar in appearance. Both dark haired and little noses. "It's nice that they're close in age too. They'll always be best friends. You must've felt like you were pregnant for so long though, with such a small age gap."

Holly and Matt look at each other with amusement. Holly says, "I wasn't pregnant. We had them through a surrogate. Our DNA, they were just brewed in another body."

Nathan laughs, having a sip of his beer. I'm glad neither of them are insulted at my assumption. Conception issues can be super sensitive for some people and I wouldn't have blamed them for feeling that way. However, they seem more grateful than anything for their options to conceive.

"We're Asexual," Matt explains.

Holly holds out her ring finger across the table, she's wearing a steel black band around it. "These represent the Asexual community. We met at a local meeting five years ago and fell in love."

I quickly swallow my mouthful. "That's beautiful."

Nathan rests his arm on the table top next to me, his arm brushes mine as he holds his beer bottle. I had a question to ask and he's causing me to short circuit. Not at all how I want to feel at his mere touch.

I can't live with him.

"Oh," I remember what I wanted to ask, even though I'm still well aware of Nathan's forearm pressing against mine. I should move. "How come you didn't carry the baby though? Like use IVF? If you don't mind me asking."

Holly looks at me while she wrestles a fistful of rice out of Jacks hand, he was gearing up to throw it across the table. "I had endometriosis when I was a teenager. Severe endometriosis. It took such a long time for a doctor to take me seriously about the pain I was suffering and how awful the periods were. By the time I was able to get treatment, my best course of action was a hysterectomy."

"Oh," I say with understanding. "So no uterus."

She gives me a quick nod, Matt hands her a wet wipe from the packet on the table and she cleans Jacks hand. "The options we have these days are such a blessing."

Matt reaches over his wife and picks up Jack. "Blessings. Is that what we call these monsters?"

Holly nudges him, her long lashes touching her blonde bangs. She's beautiful and has this aura of maternal love in everything she does, her smile, her words, her reflexes when it comes to handling the kids. Having one toddler was a challenge, here she is with two and there's not one hint of exhaustion in her face.

After dinner, Matt gives the boys a bottle of warm milk, sets them up on the living room sofa with the radio on and the adults sit down with the instant pudding. Holly and I spend the rest of the evening talking, Nathan helps Matt put up a shelf in the garage and I help Holly with the dishes.

The night turned out better than it started and I'm quietly disappointed when Nathan pulls the car up beside mom's at nine o clock. Lydia will be asleep but she'll stir when I climb in next to her, enough for me to say goodnight anyway.

The car engine idles, the headlights illuminating the light snow fall ahead as I undo my seat belt and look at Nathan. "Thanks for taking me. As random as it was."

"I thought you'd like Holly. She's a good sort," his smile is soft. "Can't hurt to get to know a few people around here either."

I lightly shrug. "It would be nice to have a friend closer than California." 

"What about those girls you were at the bar with?"

"I didn't know them," I admit, my voice quiet, as if that can shave off some of the humiliation. "Just sort of slipped in with them once I got drunk enough."

I can't look at him because I can't handle seeing his pity.

"Look, don't think there's a single thing you've done that I would judge you for," he tells me, shifting in his seat, the material of his winter jacket crunching. "Handle your shit however you want. Your daughter is good, you're working to look after her. So what if you get a little drunk from time to time? High, whatever. I've been drinking and fucking through life for who knows how long. I can't judge."

Something about the word fucking coming out of his mouth makes me press my legs tighter together.

"I'm a loser, Gabrielle," he tips his head back against the headrest. "I get invited to spend dinners with my friends and I show up alone to eat with their wives and children and listen to all of their fucking chaotic stories and I think, at least that shit doesn't sound lonely at all."

Nathan is the epitome of confidence, he walks, talks and kisses like he doesn't have one single insecurity. So hearing him sound so vulnerable bothers me more than I want it to.

"I haven't achieved shit, Gabs. Don't ever think I'd pretend to be better than you."

"You raised Dallas," I say, reaching across the centre console, sliding my hand across his wrist. His fist tightens, whitening his knuckles. "That's huge. You were just a teenager and look how incredible she is."

"Can't take credit for that."

"You're too hard on yourself. You make a difference in peoples lives every day. You're a teacher. Ease up."

Head still leaning on his seat, he turns to look at me, his jaw twitching as my thumb caresses his wrist.

For a while, in the low light of the car under the street lamp, we just watch each other. His eyes dip down to my mouth and I wonder if he's remembering what it's like to kiss. I sure am.

"You're a good woman, Gabrielle," he murmurs. "You're doing good. I mean, fuck, that little shit just up and left you to be a single mother. Can't blame you for stumbling a little bit while you get over him."

"Oh I'm over him," I go to pull my hand back, but Nathan holds it before I can.

"You're over him?"

I can barely think with his fingers tracing the inside of my wrist. What are we doing?

"Yeah," I answer, willing my voice to remain even. "I'm not over him walking out of his daughter's life. But we were broken for a long time. Mentally I think I'd just. . .  checked out. Matched his attitude without actually leaving. I think I wanted to make it work for Lydia, that's all."

"See," he gives me a tired half smile. "You're a good mom."

"You don't know that for sure."

"Course I do. I remember what you were like with Dal. Always jumping when she needed a friend, listening to her ramble, hyping her up and telling her what she's worth. You're good to the people you love."

My heart races, the feel of his thumb still driving me to the brink of need. "She did the same for me."

He puts an arm behind his head, his stare boring into me.

"I should go inside." I wish I didn't have to move.

He lets me slide my hand from his and I don't think either of us will acknowledge the contact. "Remember what I said," he says. "You've got a room with me if you need it."

He gestures at the house and when I turn around, I can see momma peeping through the curtains. Great.

"I can't live with you, Nathan," I swallow the disappointment. It's the right decision, because the fact that I want an excuse to be around him more, is dangerous.

He shrugs a shoulder. "Your choice. Offer stands, should you ever need it."

"Thank you."

Before I look like a lingering idiot, I push open the car door and the freezing winter wind hits me straight in the face, expelling the palpable tension that had built in the car just moments before. I feel like I can breathe.

Leaning down and peering in the car, I get a good look at Nathan, thighs spread in the driver seat, his hand on the gear shift. "Night. Thanks again."

"Sweet dreams, Gabrielle."

I close the door and forget about the winter cold, because it's his masculine whisper and words that cause me to break out in a tantalising chill.

Inside, I don't make it to the hall before momma is intercepting me from the kitchen, her silk cap and robe on. I've never felt taller than her, even though I am by at least a foot.

"Who was that?"

I groan with frustration. "Momma, I can't do this tonight."

Stepping around her, I hope that she won't follow me to the bedroom where Lydia is sleeping, but she does.

"Go away," I whisper, cracking the door. "I'm not arguing while she's sleeping in here."

She points at the living room. "You come back down here."

"No. Leave me alone. You can't treat me like a teenager. I'm a grown woman. If I get dropped off by a man, it's none of your business."

"Like there's something wrong with sharing? You can't tell your momma things now?"

I exhale a harsh breath and close the bedroom door again. "It isn't sharing. It's you wanting to micromanage my life and control me as if I'm still a child. I'd share if it didn't come with so much judgment."

She scoffs, folding her arms. "You have no respect. You treat me like a babysitter, like you can come and go as you please and who cares about asking if I can watch the girl. You didn't enjoy it when Josh was doing it."

My teeth grind together. "You told me to leave because I needed to get tampons and you couldn't get them for me."

"If you weren't getting high, there wouldn't have been an issue."

There's so much I want to retort with, so much anger threatening to simmer over the surface. Not all of it is anger towards her either, it's Josh and what he's done to us. But momma is right here and she's pushing all the buttons and I don't know how much longer I can do this.

"Let me be," I plead. "Just let me exist and live and move on without your bullshit."

"You wanna live however you see fit, be out all night, drink, smoke, sleep around, you don't do it under my roof," she stares at me, her breathing harsh in the quiet corridor. "Believe it or not, I know what it's like to raise a daughter. I know it's hard and I know what she needs. If you don't want my advice, you go."

"Fine," I say and she flinches. "We're moving out."

"You aren't taking that girl."

I stare at her, thinking she must be kidding. "What?"

"You can't look after her if you're too busy looking after yourself."

Stepping closer to her, I feel awful that this is what we've come to, but I won't let her take my little girl. "You are not her mom," my voice is full of venom. "You try and stop me. She doesn't want to live here. So we are both going. Don't even think for one second, you have a legal right to keep her here."

"You should do what's right for her," momma lifts her chin at me, not intimated by my height hovering over her. "You should let her remain in a stable home."

"If we have any hope of repairing our relationship," I warn. "You'll drop this right now. I'm moving out, she's coming with me. I was raising her alone for a long time, mom. Don't think I can't take care of her."

Not letting her get another word in, I slip inside the bedroom and close the door, my heart racing and my throat thick. Alone, I let myself cry because I never wanted to get to this place with her. It hurts. The mattress sinks as I sit on the end of the bed, peeking over at Lydia sleeping with her lips parted, I smile and wipe a tear off my cheek. She's so cute.

Nathan's number is in the group chat Drayton and Dallas announced their proposal in the other night. I click on his contact and tap out a message that makes my vision blur with adrenaline.

If you don't mind, I'll take that spare room.

It changes from delivered to read almost immediately and I bounce my leg with anticipation when the three little dots start bouncing at the bottom of the screen.

I'll start cleaning it out tomorrow

I knew he wouldn't say no. Another message comes in quickly after that.

You okay?

My heart flutters a little harder than it should at his concern.

I'll be fine. Thanks, Nathan.

Keep it friendly and formal. That's how I'm going to have to proceed moving forward because I know what I'm like when a hot, overly caring man shows me a little bit of concern and affection. Falling in love too fast has always been my downfall.