NESSA

My head and heart were at war again, and I didn't know which one I wanted to win. It was a toss-up.

Letting my head win meant that Grayson never felt a damn thing for me. Or maybe he did, but now he was moving on. He'd gotten a little slice of what he'd been looking for, found out that I was also giving it to other people like Bren Hadaway, and that was enough for him.

Letting my head win meant that my worth was being kicked to the curb again. It meant that I imagined the way he'd made me feel. That I imagined someone cared about me.

And as shitty as that all was, it might have been better than the alternative.

Because if my heart won, that meant something was wrong.

My heart wanted so badly to believe that Grayson Everett was real. That I hadn't dreamt up this man who'd made me feel safe. And my heart knew. It knew that he would have texted me back.

He would have called me back.

He would have come over to eat dinner with my family, to play football with Rory.

He would have picked me up when it was time to return to campus after spring break. Hell, he would have driven across half the state if it meant he could kiss me again.

He wouldn't have vanished.

Unless something was wrong.

And I didn't know which option was more terrifying.

When Beau picked me up to go back to school on Friday, he looked like he didn't know what to say. And Beau always knew what to say.

"Nessa—"

"I don't really want to talk about it, Beau." I swallowed down the urge to vomit and stared out the window.

I didn't really want to talk about how I had to call Beau for a ride because no matter how many times I'd texted Grayson this week, he didn't reply. I really didn't want to talk about it.

Beau sighed and pulled out of my driveway.

The car ride was quiet, and I tried closing my eyes, which only made me more nauseous. Opening them again, I stared ahead, watching the road.

"I know you don't want to talk, but you look like you are gonna toss your cookies, Nessie. Do we need to stop?"

"No," I croaked. "I'm fine. I haven't actually thrown up, but I've been nauseous ever since—"

I paused, wondering how much I wanted to admit. Beau would easily be able to put two and two together. But it probably didn't matter at this point.

"Ever since?" Beau probed before gasping dramatically. "Oh shit, are you pregnant?"

"No." I rolled my eyes. "The opposite. I started taking the pill over break, and it's giving me weird side effects."

My decision to get on birth control preceded being ghosted by the guy I was seeing. But I figured I might as well stick with it now that I'd started. I hoped the nausea would subside soon, though.

Beau gave me a crooked smile. "For the record, I think I'd make a really good uncle."

I laughed. "I think you would, too. You should tell Madie."

Out of the two of us, she was way more likely to pop out a baby.

Beau snorted. "Speaking of baby-making, Bren texted that he brought Madie back to campus this afternoon. He's staying until Sunday and then heading back to Fresno."

If Bren was at OSU for the weekend, that meant I wouldn't even go close to my room while those two were in it. I didn't need to turn the tables and walk in on them. They didn't know how to keep their hands off of each other for more than five minutes.

I sighed, looking over at Beau. "So can I stay with you?"

I tried not to think about the other bed I'd been crashing in before spring break. Or the guy to who it belonged. I tried not to think about Grayson at all, like what I would do when I ran into him in the hallway, and he wanted to give me some excuse for why he didn't call all week long.

Beau nodded. "Slumber party in my room, it is." He gave me a pitying glance. "I was thinking maybe soup and sandwiches for dinner? Soup for you because of your stomach and sandwiches for me because...well, I don't like soup."

A dry laugh fell from my lips. "Sounds perfect, Beau."

****

Beau was probably the nosiest person I'd ever met. So the fact that we'd been together for over twenty-four hours and he hadn't asked about Grayson was seriously impressive. Instead, he did his best to cheer me up, bringing me food and hot drinks and even letting me pick out sappy romantic comedies to watch. And not once was a certain football player added into the conversation.

Madie and Bren didn't wander over to find us until Sunday, and Beau and I both raised our brows when they walked into the room. About time they made an appearance.

Madie giggled, her face growing red in a flash. But then she cocked her head to the side, looking at me with a frown.

"Are you sick?"

I grimaced. Beau had decided that if he loaded me up with pillows and blankets, the better I would feel. It didn't exactly work, but I was pretty cozy in the corner of his futon.

"No, not sick."

Bren walked further into the room and leaned up against his old bed, the one I had slept in the last two nights. He gave me a look like he wasn't convinced I wasn't about to hurl. But when his phone buzzed, he broke eye contact with me and checked it.

His gaze flashed up again, finding Beau quickly and then skating back to me. "What the hell, seriously?"

My brows furrowed. "What?"

"After all that, he's ghosting you?"

"Beau!" I squealed as soon as I realized what he'd done. Throwing a pillow at his guilty face on the other side of the futon, I hit him square on.

"What?" He knocked the pillow to the side. "I thought it would be better if I told them than making you say why you're sitting in the corner, depressed."

Despite the scowl that I threw at him, he did have a point. Leave it to Beau to bypass the elephant in the room.

Sighing, Bren shoved his phone back into his pocket and started walking toward the door. "What room is he in?"

I threw my other pillow at Bren, but it fell short, hitting his heels. Madie was on my side, though. She grabbed her boyfriend's wrist, pulling him back as he tried to walk past her. He fell to her side, kissing the top of her head before looking at me with a frown.

"Well, I told him not to fuck with my girls. So now it seems we need to have a chat."

That was it. I had been doing a good job of not letting my emotions take over, but I couldn't do it anymore. Because the only thing I could think about now was Grayson's gravelly voice on the way home last weekend.

The next time I hear Bren calling you one of his girls, I might have to set the record straight.

God, where the hell was he to set the record straight?

Not that I cared about Bren saying things like that. He was one of my best friends, and he probably always would be. But I cared about Grayson. I cared that Grayson wasn't here to care.

Tears sprung from my eyes, quickly falling. And now that they were falling, I couldn't get them to stop. Hiding, I buried my face in the blanket since I'd thrown my two pillows at the guys. Bren swore beneath his breath.

"Look what you did," Madie hissed.

Quick, light footsteps sounded, and I felt her warm embrace wrap around me.

"I'm not even going to say anything about how I knew you've been lying to us," she said, her voice muffled and soft against the blankets. "How I knew there was more going on with him and you."

I sniffed. "I was lying to you because up until a week ago, I was convinced something like this would happen."

"What happened a week ago?"

I shook my head. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't even want to think about it. Apparently, it was all too good to be true.

"You don't have to tell me. But like you said, it has only been a week," Madie said. "Maybe he just got busy over break, or something came up."

Even though her voice was really sweet, I could see in her eyes that she was skeptical. Even if something had come up, Grayson could have let me know. Grayson would have let me know. A single text. A single text was all I wanted.

Fine. I wanted more than a single text. But still.

"I know," I said, sighing and wiping at my face. "I know I shouldn't be this worked up. For crying out loud, you're the one who was stabbed. God, I'm the worst."

I pulled back, looking at her. Inspecting her. Her blue eyes were clear despite the bags beneath them. She looked tired but happy. A slight smile tugged at her lips.

"How are you?" I asked.

"I'm fine, Nessa," she insisted, pushing it to the side. Over her shoulder, I saw Bren cross his arms over his chest. The guilt was there in his eyes. But he didn't say anything. And Madie really did look good, all things considered.

"You're the one hurting right now," she said. "We don't need to talk about me."

"I shouldn't even be this upset, though. It's not like we were...."

I drifted off. What I had been about to say felt like a lie. Maybe Grayson and I weren't dating. Maybe we weren't together. But we were definitely something. He was definitely something.

"Can I please just go knock on his door and see what his deal is?" Bren pleaded, sounding annoyed. "He's gotta be back on campus by now."

"No," Madie and I said at the same time.

Ignoring Bren as he rolled his eyes, I opened up my phone and scrolled through the messages I sent that were unreturned. "He's already ignored my last five text messages. I don't need to be that desperate to go knocking on his door."

"You wouldn't have to do anything," Bren said, tipping forward onto his toes.

"Let me see that," Madie said, also ignoring her boyfriend as she went to pluck my phone out of my hands.

I let her, shrugging because at this point I didn't really care what she found—

"Oh my god," Madie gasped, dropping the phone back into my lap. "Yeah, you were definitely lying to us, Wednesday."

Oh, goddamnit. Wincing, I glanced down at my unlocked phone. Madie had scrolled further back than I'd expected, exposing a stream of old messages from Grayson. His conclusion paragraph that he was so proud of.

I wanted to fuck you against that piano, darling.

"Well, you definitely weren't supposed to see that," I groaned, hiding behind my hands for a second before facing my friends again. Madie's cheeks had grown rosy, and she tucked her feet up beneath her as she fidgeted with the sleeves of her sweater. She was so adorably easy to fluster.

Although, my face felt equally red and hot. Not just from slight embarrassment but also from the memories. God, Grayson made me feel things.

Although, right now, none of them were good things.

Bren and Beau had on matching expressions: knowing gazes and sly smiles. Bren's was targeted more toward Madie, though. She blinked up at him, catching his stare.

"Ever, uh, thought about learning to play the piano, Bren?" Madie asked, her voice sweet and innocent.

A sharp laugh slipped through my lips. Madie choked on a laugh, too. We shared an amused glance.

Bren narrowed his eyes. He didn't share our amusement. Pushing away from the bedpost, he strode across the room to peek over our shoulders at the phone. I didn't bother hiding it. He would find out eventually.

Stepping back again, Bren smirked. His eyes were bright as they looked down at Madie. "Don't need to know how to play to do that, baby."

"Alright, alright," Beau cut in, looking like he was going to toss his cookies this time. "That's enough of that. Time to grab brunch or something."

Bren cleared his throat. "Madie and I got stuff to make pancakes in the commons. We were actually stopping by to see if you wanted to join."

"Chocolate chip pancakes," Madie pipped in, jumping up from her spot next to me to walk over to Bren.

He leaned down to give her a tender kiss that made my heart ache, and his next words were said without moving his eyes from hers. "Madie makes some pretty mean pancakes when she manages not to burn them."

She elbowed his side, and a grin broke out onto Bren's face.

Another wave of nausea hit me, and I bit my lip. I loved Madie and Bren, but being around them right now was making me spiral.

I remembered that feeling. For once, I finally knew what it felt like. What Madie felt like as Bren watched her, adoration in his gaze. I remembered it, and I couldn't figure out why it was gone.

I couldn't figure out where he had gone.

💗

Most of you said that you wouldn't forgive me until you read the next chapter.

I'm afraid to ask where we stand...

xoxo