NESSA

"His name is Jasper Monroe."

"Jasper." Grayson repeated it, testing it out on his tongue. "Do I need to beat Jasper up?"

He said it teasingly, and I couldn't help but giggle.

It was something in the air.

I wasn't lying when I'd told Grayson I didn't know how to feel about him. Hearing him say so blatantly that he wanted to fuck me had sent me on a full retreat, leaving my body and my mind in a jumble. But everything he had done since then had my heart crawling back. Looking out for me when I was drunk. Leaving me coffee in front of my door. Saving me from being alone tonight. This. All of this.

"No." I shook my head. "But I appreciate that you continue to offer to beat my exes up for me."

Especially now that I knew what he was sacrificing if he were to break a finger. Piano, guitar, football. Who knew what else this guy played.

Grayson shrugged. "I do what I can, Adler."

I caught a smile before it could bloom completely onto my face. And then it died as soon as I thought back to our topic of conversation. "I had a crush on Jasper most of senior year. He was really sweet to me all the time, and he was one of the captains on the football team."

Grayson scoffed mockingly. "One of those guys, huh?"

I nudged him playfully, and he smiled down at me.

"Sorry. Keep going."

"It's really not that dramatic," I said with a twist of my lips. "He didn't put me through some horrible ordeal or anything. I'm not—I'm not like Madie. It isn't a sob story, and I almost feel ridiculous even telling you."

Grayson was quiet. We both looked out at the garden, and I wasn't sure if he was going to say something or if he was waiting for me to continue.

Finally, he blinked down at me. "But he hurt you, didn't he?"

I hesitated before nodding.

"Don't compare pain like that, Nessa." Grayson tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, and I shuddered from the feeling of his fingers brushing my bare skin. "Madie has been through some awful shit, but that doesn't mean that what happened to you doesn't matter."

I swallowed the huge lump that formed in my throat from hearing that. And then I took several deep breaths before continuing.

"Jasper and I started dating toward the end of the year. He was a really...physical guy, but I told him that I wanted my first time to be with someone I'd fallen in love with. I'd always been a bit of a hopeless romantic like that before he squashed it out of me."

I laughed, but it was humorless. "It was almost a running joke. He'd shower me with all these compliments and cute little gifts before flashing that smile at me and asking if I loved him yet."

I didn't realize until that point that I'd been oddly aware of Grayson's breathing. He was so close to me, and I could see the movement of his chest out of the corner of my eye. I heard the intake, the exhale. I felt the heat on my shoulder. Before, his breath was deep. Thoughtful, I supposed. Now it was shallow.

"And did you fall in love with him?" he asked.

"I thought I did. I really thought I did."

Jasper was everything to me. Caring and kind, he helped me with my homework, ate dinner with my family, gave me butterflies with his gorgeous smile. I remembered feeling like he was too good to be true.

And he was.

I paused and looked down to fiddle with the button on Grayson's jacket.

"He knew I loved him when he snatched up my v-card on graduation night. And he also knew I loved him when he dumped me a few days later."

Grayson was quiet, but I could feel his eyes on me. I choked on a laugh.

"I actually thought he loved me. I thought he did all those little things because—"I stopped, biting my lip because if I kept talking, I might cry. And I really didn't want to cry.

"Nessa—"

I held up my hand, too nervous about what he had to say, and Grayson immediately snapped his mouth shut.

"Love had nothing to do with any of it. I was stupid," I said, brushing him off. "I don't know what I was expecting, especially since we were going to different colleges."

"You were expecting not to be treated like you were disposable," Grayson said firmly, talking like he wanted to get his words out before I cut him off again. "And that's not stupid."

I finally looked at him, and his eyes glittered, trained on me. The black mask seemed to bring out the hints of gray in them.

"I felt stupid, though," I whispered. "Not even used or upset. Just stupid and naive that I'd actually thought someone would love me the way I loved them. I don't regret sleeping with him. I regret thinking it meant something."

Grayson was looking at me now with such an intense, hard expression that I had to look away, scanning my eyes over the manicured garden while I kept talking.

"So the first few weeks of college, I just sort of leaned into it. Told myself to go for it with guys I was attracted to because it wasn't like it would matter in the end anyway. Hooking up without feelings seemed like a better option than having sex with someone when the feelings were one-sided, ya know?"

There was a long pause. A few crickets chirped. Traffic noises could be heard over the tall hedges, the streets of San Fransisco hidden but there.

"And how did that go?" Grayson eventually asked, and I couldn't quite decipher the tone in his voice.

"Not great." I laughed, shaking my head at myself. "It seemed like a better option, but it really wasn't. And then Madie walked in on me one time, and I decided that was probably a sign that I should just stop altogether."

Staring at my feet, I wrinkled my nose at Grayson's next question, which was laced with amusement.

"Do I dare ask what Madie saw?"

Oh, god.

"A shirtless guy who had his dick in my mouth," I mumbled, keeping my head down to hide how red I probably was. Even in the darkness and with my mask on, I was sure he'd be able to see it.

Who knew why I didn't tell him who that guy was. Maybe because it seemed all that more pathetic to me, to reveal that I'd sucked Bren off while he was just looking for a distraction from how much he wanted Madie.

He'd probably imagined I was Madie. She'd still been with Quinton at the time, and it wasn't until I saw her with Bren a few days later that I realized. They'd popped into the coffee shop that I worked at, and I knew instantly that Bren was surviving off of the breath of Madie Lenertz.

He started working with me not long afterward, and Madie always came by to study. I gave her free shit sometimes, but I knew that was never why she was there. It was because of him.

I finally dared to look up at Grayson. He was rubbing his jaw with those long fingers of his.

"Man, it hurts to hear about someone else living your dream."

I gave him a little shove, and he apologized with a laugh.

"Sorry, I told myself I was going to stop saying shit like that to you."

"Shit like what?"

His eyes cut over to me. "Innuendos and dirty jokes. They probably aren't going to help me when I try to convince you why I'm here."

That caught my attention. "And why are you here, Gray?"

He took a deep breath and looked at the sky. His lips moved, but nothing was coming out. Poor guy looked like he was having an aneurysm while trying to find the right words. I couldn't help a smile from spreading while watching.

"Grayson?"

"Sorry, I've been like reciting this in my head, so I don't fuck it up a second time."

A sheepish spread onto his face. Was he nervous? Grayson Everett didn't seem like the kind of guy to get nervous. He was a performer. And yet, all I saw were tiny traces of stage fright.

"I'm here," he said, "because I like you."

I stared at him.

"That's it? That's what you've been rehearsing?"

"Yeah, basically." He laughed. "I like you a lot, Nessa. And I want another chance to prove to you that I'm here because I like you. Not because I want to fuck you."

I raised a brow, all the fire coming back to my cheeks again. Something in my stomach did a somersault. A hot, twisty somersault.

"But you do?"

The question fell out before I could think twice about it, and Grayson looked at me like it was a stupid thing to ask.

"Of course I do. I told you I'm not gonna lie about that." He inhaled. "But I want to make you a deal."

"A deal?"

"A deal, Adler. If you give me another chance, I'll make you a promise."

"I'm listening."

I couldn't not listen. That was my problem when it came to Grayson. When push came to shove, it was way too hard to say no to him. And I knew it was just because I so badly wanted to say yes.

Even though I had spewed to Madie all the reasons why Grayson was wrong for me, I knew it was a lie. He felt way too right, and I hated it.

Grayson waited until I was looking him in the eye before continuing.

"I promise I won't kiss you again," he said, keeping his voice low. "Even though we're damn good at it together. I won't touch you, either, not like I did that night at your house. And I definitely won't bring up sex." He dipped his head down, eyes pleading. "Just stop ignoring me, please."

I was speechless for a long moment. Both because of the look on his face and because of what he'd said.

"So basically...you want to be friends?"

He dragged a hand down his face with a sigh.

"It would be a lie to say that I want to be friends with you, Adler. And I don't lie."

Pausing, Grayson let that sink in. And it did, sinking into my bones, making me shiver.

Not because of what he said. But because I realized that it would be a lie to say that I wanted to be friends with him, too. But I wasn't as good at speaking my truth like that. I wasn't as good at trust and all those selfless things.

"Nessa," Grayson said, capturing my attention again by sliding a finger beneath my chin. "I just want you to know that when we're together, there's no motive behind it. That's all. If I walk into your room to listen to you sing, it's because you have the voice of a fucking angel. Nothing else."

I swallowed, meeting his eyes. "Okay."

"Really?"

"You have a deal, Grayson."

He grinned before swooping in like he was going to kiss me. But he wrenched away when he realized what he'd been about to do. It was too late, though. I'd felt that quick heat, that anticipation of the kiss that never happened.

"Oh, fuck," he said, laughing. "I'm sorry." Tossing his head back in frustration, he murmured beneath his breath as he stared at the stars. "This is going to be harder than I thought."

A giggle slipped out of me. "It's okay."

It was okay. There was a part of me that would kill to have Grayson kiss me again. Long and hard and deep. But my heart and brain needed to know how this deal would play out. Those annoying organs needed Grayson to prove what he was saying. That he wanted me and not something from me.

A grateful grimace appeared on Grayson's face. And then he took my hand, guiding me down the steps and toward a bench in the garden. His movements were efficient but gentle.

He was that kind of guy, I realized. Knowing what he wanted made him seem cocky. But there was more to Grayson than that. A soft side that I knew was going to wreck me or save me in the end.

But I followed him anyway. I sat beside him, and he didn't waste a single second before tossing an arm on the back of my bench. It could be around my shoulders, but he was careful not to touch me. Not to pull me in close.

His presence was there, though. Comforting me as we tipped our heads back in silence. I wasn't sure how much time passed. An entire symphony could have been performed inside, for all I knew.

I didn't know, though. I didn't know anything besides how Grayson's breath skirted along the curve of my ear as we talked about the end of Bridgerton, which his moms made him watch over winter break. It seemed like a fitting subject anyway, what with the garden and the lights and the dancing. With the date who wasn't really my date, but we could pretend for the night.

When Beau called, asking if I was ready to leave, Grayson muttered that he would take me back if I stayed. And I didn't know how to refuse that. Of course I didn't.

Especially when he pulled out a little flash from his pocket, took a sip, and offered it to me. "Whiskey because it's you."

I took it from him and let the burn of alcohol take the blame for the tingle in my bones. With a roll of my eyes, I looked over at him. "It's not like you knew I was going to be here."

Grayson made a humming noise and took the flask back from me, a smirk on his face. But he didn't comment on what I'd said. "I don't really drink much. But a sip here and there to feel alive, I'll do that."

He took one more drink before handing it back to me and murmuring to keep it. And then he lowered his gaze to mine, and there was an apology in every bit of it.

"I shouldn't have been so insistent that night," he said. "I just—I was raised that sex was something that happened naturally. No shame to it. My parents are annoyingly open on the topic, to be honest. And you and I...it felt natural. We felt natural, Nessa. Except you were fighting our connection."

I couldn't help a little snort slip out before slapping a hand over my mouth. "Sorry, but sex has never felt natural to me. It feels like a mess," I admitted.

He raised a questioning brow.

"Honestly, I could just go without it," I added. "Hook-ups with guys have never really gotten me anywhere, ya know?" I shrugged. "Might as well just do it myself."

Grayson cocked his head to the side, looking down his nose at me. "Gotten you anywhere?" he repeated, the underlying meaning laced in the flare of his eyes and tilt of his lips.

"Gotten me anywhere," I confirmed, holding the eye contact. But Grayson dropped his head into his hands with a growl.

I laughed. "What?"

"I'm really regretting that deal right now." His voice was muffled against his hands. And then he surprised me, popping up from the seat, holding his hand out to me. "Fuck, come on."

I slid my palm over his. "Where are we going?"

A wicked grin spread over Grayson's face.

"You'll see."

💗

thanks for reading!
drop a comment or vote if you are enjoying!
it feeds my soul haha
xoxo amelie