NESSA

When I stepped into the apartment at the end of the second week of school, I found Beau and Collins in the kitchen. Together.

It was the first time I'd seen the two of them in the same room since we moved in. Voluntarily, anyway.

Beau was leaning against the fridge, listening intently to Collins go on about the seating arrangements in her chem lab, which put her at the same table as a know-it-all freshman. Her back was to him, and the heavy clunking of a knife against a cutting board told me she was prepping dinner, which she did religiously every night.

And because her back was to him, Beau thought he was safe. He was more relaxed than I'd seen in a while. His eyes were glued to Collins in a way that felt way too intimate. Way too private. A slight smile played on his lips as he nodded along to her complaints.

He hadn't heard me walk in. Neither of them had.

"Hey!"

I threw my backpack down, making sure it hit the floor loud enough to make Beau jump in the air.

He cleared his throat. "Hey, girl."

"What's up?"

Collins looked over her shoulder and smiled. "Oh, hi, Nessa. Didn't hear you come in."

Her eyes skated to Beau and back. So quickly that I probably wouldn't have noticed anything if I wasn't looking. I returned her smile, about about to ask what she was cooking when Beau cut in.

"Football boy is in your room. I think he passed out because I called his name a little while ago to see if he wanted anything to drink, and he didn't respond."

A little thrum of anxiety and excitement rushed through me. I wasn't expecting Grayson to be here. But an unresponsive Grayson?

I knew I shouldn't be concerned, but I was, and soon my feet were rushing over old hardwood floors to the door of my bedroom.

Relief washed through me.

Grayson sat in my bed, his entire face covered by a huge unfolded sheet of paper. Was that—?

"Are you reading my birth control side effects?"

He lowered the pamphlet in a whoosh of crinkling paper, revealing an intense scowl and a look of concentration. Without saying anything, he opened my bedside table and plucked my birth control out of the drawer.

Yep, he was reading the side effects of my birth control.

Grayson fiddled with the package for a second before looking up at me.

"Move," he said.

"What?"

He flicked his fingers to the side, and I followed them, inching to the wall of my room.

With a nod of satisfaction, Grayson tossed the packet of pills into the air. They landed in the garbage next to me with a clunking sound.

My brows drawing together, I stared at the garbage for a second. And then I stared at him.

"What the hell?"

With that taken care of, Grayson seemed lighter. Like a weight had been lifted off of him. He grinned at me, getting off the bed to come over and wrap his arms around me.

"Hey, baby. How was your day?"

I pushed at his chest, and the result was the instant reminder of how annoyingly firm it was. "Don't hey baby me. Why did you throw my birth control away?"

"It's not good for you," he replied simply.

"Says who?"

"Says that." He pointed at the crinkled paper on my bed. "Besides, you were supposed to go to the doctor, Adler. I thought we talked about that. Your appetite hasn't gotten any better."

Ignoring what he said, which was admittedly true even though I hadn't mentioned a thing about it to Grayson, I crossed the room and snatched the pamphlet off of the bed. "Why are you even bothering to read this?"

Grayson raised a brow. "You can poor over my medical information for a week, and I can't read one piece of paper on your medication? Nessa, you're not the only one who worries in this relationship."

"It's just birth control, Grayson." I rolled my eyes. "Hardly comparable. And I have to take it. You don't want me to get pregnant, do you?"

I wasn't sure what I was expecting from him, but it was not silence. He bit down on his lip, clearly keeping something in with that not-so-secretive way of his. The corners of his eyes crinkled, and it made me want to hug and smack him at the same time. That loud beating inside my chest picked up.

"Grayson..."

"Yeah?"

He was smiling now. A full-out obnoxious smile.

I glared at him. "You literally won't shut up half the time, and now, after I asked that question, you're suddenly mute?"

He laughed, and it was deep and beautiful. Why did I have to love the most frustrating man on the planet?

"It's because I don't know how to lie, Nessa." My eyebrows shot up, but he was quick to step toward me, adding, "No, I don't want you to get pregnant. Not now. Not for a long time. But when you asked that question, I just...."

Grayson lifted one shoulder and bit his lip.

It felt like the room was getting smaller and Grayson was getting bigger, and the only things in the universe were him and me.

I tried to clear my throat before talking again. "I'm gonna need you to finish that sentence, Wilder."

His smile was soft now. Less over-the-top. He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "I don't know how to finish the sentence without scaring you. It's too soon. It's too much."

"You won't," I whispered. "You won't scare me."

"When you asked that question," he repeated. Cautiously. In a voice so gravelly, it grated pleasantly against my senses. "I just imagined it for a second, ya know? And I'm kind of obsessed with the picture. With the idea that maybe that could be my future. With you."

He leaned in. Slow, like I was a skittish animal. A kiss brushed against my forehead. But when he pulled back, a wolfish grin took up most of his expression. "Plus we all know I'd make one hell of a dad one day."

For once, I wasn't even mad that he was being arrogant. Because it was true. He would make one hell of a dad.

Closing my eyes, I tried to shut out the images that flashed through my brain. I was kind of obsessed with them, too. And I was surprised to find that I wasn't the least bit scared. A future with him what I wanted. It was all I had ever wanted, but it just took me so long to break down and let myself believe it could happen.

My hands shook a little bit. After taking a deep breath, I blinked up at Grayson's handsome face. "Yes, you would. But not now."

"I know." Grayson shrugged. "So we'll use condoms."

"I don't think you'd like that as much."

Just the other night at his house, he bit the pillow to keep from waking his roommates when he'd slid into me. That deep groan had vibrated against my ears, full of satisfaction. The sound of pure pleasure. It gave me goosebumps. And when I'd said something about it, his response was: "It's like diving into heaven every time, baby."

I didn't want to knock him off of cloud nine.

Grayson seemed unbothered, though. "Do I like fucking you bare?" Another shrug. "Of course I do. But I also like it when you're healthy and happy. So condoms are fine."

While I appreciated his sweet intentions, I was starting to grow agitated. "Grayson, you're making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. Millions of girls take the pill. It's fine."

Something clenched in his jaw, and I took a step back with a frown.

"It's fine," I repeated.

"Do you like it?"

"No, I hate it," I replied honestly. "But it's—"

"It's not fine, Adler." He broke away and walked back to the bed. "Have you read about the risks for blood clots and high blood pressure and—"

"Every medication has side effects."

He began shaking his head, and I gritted my teeth in annoyance. "No, not like this." He held up his phone. "There are thousands of instances of girls—"

"Grayson—" I tried to cut him off.

It didn't work.

"No, I'm not done. I don't think you get it. You don't get it, Nessa." He dragged a hand through his hair. "Do you know what it's like? Do you know what it's like to be twenty years old and have to worry about hypertension? To have to worry about whether you've eaten too much Vitamin K that day and now your blood levels are gonna be whack? You don't know what it's like to get weekly INR tests, to have to monitor every little thing, to take handfuls of pills every day."

My heart was seizing up. I was sure of it. He was always so unconcerned. So nonplussed about his health and what he'd been through. And now...

"That's what it's like to have a blood clot," he said, deadly soft. "And I can't have that for you. If—if something happened...." He shook his head again. "You're not taking it. There are other options."

My heart melted. For just a few seconds, I melted. It had taken me a bit, but I understood now. Why this was hitting a nerve for him.

But then my brain reared up, making another connection. We'd had this conversation before. We'd had this conversation in reverse roles, and he hadn't given in.

"You're being a hypocrite."

To my credit, I said it softly. Even though my limbs were shaking and a scream was lodged in my throat. The scream I had been keeping it in for the last month that Grayson had been playing football.

Grayson didn't seem to make the connection. His lips tugged downward on both sides.

"What?"

"You're being a hypocrite," I repeated, firmer this time. "How you feel right now? That worry and tension in the pit of your stomach? The way your brain imagines things that might happen to me even though you know it isn't very likely? How it makes you want to throw up? That's how it is for me. All the time."

I took a deep breath.

"You said it yourself. You know what it's like to be twenty years old and have to worry about all of those things. You think I like that?"

He threw one sad hand up in the air. "I don't have a choice, Nessa. I was born this way."

I steeled myself. "But you have a choice to play football. You have a choice of whether or not to put yourself at more risk."

The silence that gathered in the wake of my words was dense and unmoving. It wouldn't yield, wouldn't let either of us say another word.

Grayson stared at me. Eventually, he gave way to blinking. And then rubbing his jaw. And when that had gone on for far too long, he began stripping down. He took off his zip-up first. And then his shirt. And then his jeans.

With two large strides, he picked me up and brought me to bed. And then he held me firmly. The last thing I remember about that night was a quiet whisper saying, "I know."

****

I swore at Grayson the entire night after my IUD was inserted. It had been my decision in the end; the pill had been making me nauseous since the spring, and he was right that I needed to make a change. But if it had been up to Grayson, he would have had me off birth control altogether. Like hell was I about to risk that, though. And I could have tried a different pill, but remembering to take it every day was a pain in the ass. This just seemed like a better choice all around.

So even though it wasn't my boyfriend's fault, I still swore at him. Because he was there, an easy target.

Beau was there, too, but I couldn't yell at him. He kept putting bowls of ice cream in front of me. And it wasn't his dick that I was trying to protect my body from.

"Here are some pain killers, Adler."

Grayson set some water and a few pills before me, and I gulped them down greedily, hoping it would dull the intense, stabbing ache in my lower stomach. I imagined that this was what being kicked in the balls felt like.

"I hate you," I said.

He smiled. "I know you do, baby."

"Maybe we should just stop having sex altogether," I suggested. At the moment, that seemed like a really good option. As long as it meant I could get this thing back out of my body.

"Oh, Nessa." Grayson's eyes danced with barely concealed amusement. "We both know that would never work. You want me way too much."

I scowled. Because he was right. "Is this what labor is going to be like? Because if so, I'm not doing it."

Beau and Grayson looked at me like they didn't want to break the news that labor was probably much worse than the cramps I was having after getting a little piece of plastic in my uterus.

My scowl deepened, and I decided to change the topic.

"Was your coach mad about you missing practice tonight?" I asked Grayson.

He bit his lip, glancing away. When he looked back, there was a bit of hesitation in the way he responded.

"I'm not missing practice."

"I thought—"

"I'm not missing practice because I'm taking a leave from the team for the season."

I froze. Did I...did I hear that correctly?

"What?"

Grayson's expression was a weird mix of regret, contentment, and relief. Like he couldn't quite decide which side of the coin he'd landed on after the toss. But he shrugged casually and looked away for a second before turning back to me.

"Coach says my spot will be there for me next year if I want it. And I still need to clean out my locker, but—"

"What?"

I still couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"You were right, Adler." He swallowed. "You were right."

💗

here's the real talk for today:
when I was a senior in college, I had two pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in the lungs) caused solely by taking the pill. I was not informed prior to starting birth control that this was a well-documented side effect, and so I like to bring awareness to this now and again because I feel like few-too many people know about it. Maybe that's changing now—I hope so!

having blood clots as a young women puts you at a high risk of having more in the future. even after you stop taking the pill. conditions caused by clots, such as pulmonary embolisms, can be life-threatening.

I wanted to write intentional scenes about birth control into this story because it's a conversation almost all women have at some point in time, and i believe it's an important one.

I am happy to share about my experience if you have wonderings but please talk to your doctor if you have specific questions about bc options.

xoxo amelie