As I got older, my confusion ran even deeper.

Do I like girls? There's no way. There's just no way I was made like this.

I was in no position to like girls.

It was like it was some kind of sick joke that I was even confused.

My parents were never particularly religious. Yes, all throughout my early elementary years I went to a Catholic school each Sunday. But my parents never went to Church except on holidays, and we only celebrated Christmas and Easter.

But they were Conservative. Republicans through and through, with traditional values.

I had heard my dad especially make off putting comments about gay people, calling them "fags" and whatnot. And if my mom found out someone was gay, like a celebrity- she would say, "what a waste."

She said that when it was rumored that Wentworth Miller from Prison Break was gay.

It wasn't legal for gay people to get married- and my parents fully agreed with this.

School was also hell for anyone that even gave off a gay vibe- especially the guys.

Middle school was hell, and people were cruel. In 7th grade, I saw Josh Killian shove Jake Prowman into his locker and call him a "faggot".

There was something though that caught my eye in seventh grade. And that was a show called "South of Nowhere."

It was on a channel called The N.

I knew of The N because Peyton would watch a show called Degrassi on it in the basement, and when I would come down and try to watch it with her, she would tell me I couldn't.

"Why?" I asked her, "I'm only one year younger than you."

She didn't really have a good answer for it, but she still shooed me away.

Peyton and I now went to the same school, she was a year above me. She ignored me at school. I learned quickly she was a popular girl- and I kept more to myself and my small group of friends.

When she would leave the basement, I would turn the N on.

And South of Nowhere became my little secret.

It was about a girl named Spencer, who moves to Los Angeles with her family, and befriends a bisexual girl named Ashley. I didn't even know being bisexual was a thing.

Spencer then realized she is gay- and has a relationship with Ashley.

I found myself savoring the screen time when Ashley was on TV.

But I kept telling myself it was just because her character was interesting. Nothing else.

There were plenty of times were I would have to immediately switch the show, if someone came down into the basement.

But my secret times watching South of Nowhere came to an end.

At dinner one night, my mom had an announcement.

"I want to let you know that we are blocking the N channel." she said.

My heart immediately started to pound.

Does she know?

But my mom turned to Peyton. "That Degrassi show you watch is inappropriate for someone your age."

"What?" Peyton exclaimed, "You can't take that show away from me! It's fine!"

"Wasn't an episode banned because a character got an abortion?" Drew quipped.

"Even the more better to ban the channel." my mom said.

"Mom, come on!" Peyton said angrily.

"Peyton, that's enough." my father said, "The decision is final."

Peyton was pissed- but I was equally as upset. I just couldn't show it.

I still kept my group of friends in middle school. I could see that Emily wanted to be popular- but Priyanka and Katie didn't care.

I still had these...confusing thoughts about Katie. The thoughts of kissing her. But I just shoved them to the back of my brain when they would occur.

The summer before eighth grade, Emily had a pool party at her house. She had a big house, with a large pool in the backyard. I was surprised on this August night that my parents were letting me sleep over her house.

I didn't know that night would be my first kiss.

There were around 20 of us there at Emily's. Her mom watches us from the deck by the pool. There were girls and guys from our class.

We swam into the hours of the night, and after we got out of the pool, Emily's parents ordered us all pizzas.

"Will you be okay if I go inside for a little bit?" Emily's mother, Mrs. Kaplan, asked her.

"Sure, we will be good." Emily said to her mom.

When Mrs. Kaplan left, Devon Ervine, a girl that was a bit of a trouble maker said, "Truth or Dare, anyone?"

I knew Emily was trying to impress Devon. So she said, "Sure, Dev. We just have to stop when my mom

comes back out."

"Okay." Devon smiled, "Everyone, get in a circle."

We were on the grassy area behind Emily's pool, and we all sat in a circle. I sat next to Katie and another classmate of mine, Julie.

Katie turned to me. "I wonder if this is going to get crazy." she said.

I smiled and shrugged, "I guess we will have to see."

The game started, and Devon seemed to be the one directing it. A lot of people chose "Truth" and the questions seemed to be asking different people if they had crushes on each other.

It was then Brendan Corbin's turn. Brendan was a classmate of mine, he was pretty popular and known for being good at sports. He was tall, with sandy brown hair and blue eyes.

"Brendan, truth or dare?" Devon asked him.

"I'm going to go with dare. You're all pussies going with truth." he said, and some people laughed.

"Alright, Brendan. You've expressed to me before that you find this girl to be pretty. So, I dare you to kiss Bella Jameson."

Me?

I looked at Katie, and she was looking back at me just as wide eyed.

"This is your first kiss." she whispered to me.

"I know." I whispered back, frantically.

Maybe I will feel something. Maybe these confusing thoughts will go away.

I stood up as Brendan made his way toward me- he had a goofy sideways grin on his face.

He came up to me quickly, cupped my face in his hands, and leaned in. He moved with confidence, like he had kissed someone before- but the kiss was very sloppy. His mouth was all over the place, and when he tried to stick his tongue into my mouth, I pulled back.

He gave me a smile, and walked off. Everyone cheered.

And I realized- I had felt nothing. No spark. No feelings, besides wanting it to end.

And that made me very nervous.

As I went into 8th grade, my last year of middle school, Peyton was entering high school and Drew was entering his junior year of high school.

My parents were extremely focused on getting him into a good college- somewhere in Pennsylvania, where we live, but not too close so that he wouldn't have a "college experience". They were really making Drew focus on studying for the SAT's, and he would also be starting to drive. All of that was coming within the next 3 years for me, but it seemed so far off.

Peyton was positively boy crazy- especially going into high school. I overheard my mom one night talking to her sister, my Aunt Pamela on the phone saying she was nervous Peyton would start dating an older boy and lose her virginity.

I could see that happening.

Priyanka and Katie still remained my close friends- Emily was starting to drift off a bit, she really wanted to be a part of the popular crowd. I hardly recognized her as well. She straightened her curls every day, wore a lot of makeup, and dressed in all Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister.

I was making another friend though, through Katie. Her name was McKinley Davis. McKinley was friends with Katie through their classes together, and she started eating lunch with Katie, Priyanka, and I.

McKinley and I just clicked. We had similar interests, both were quite laid back, and just laughed together at silly jokes and comments. We also found ourselves listening to the same music- a lot of Justin Bieber. McKinely had shoulder length hair that was dark, so dark that it was almost black, and big brown eyes that contrasted her fair skin.

I would invite McKinley over to my house, and my parents liked her because she was a smart girl. McKinley could hold a conversation with anyone.

As the year went by, we got closer and closer as friends. But I was relieved- I wasn't having any thoughts of kissing her.

My confusion about my sexuality, however, was getting worse. McKinley would tell me about guys she had crushes on, and I would have to act like I had crushes too. But on the inside- I felt nothing.

However, I still found myself looking longingly at Katie.

I just wanted to figure out somehow if I was gay. I kept telling myself I wasn't- but I just needed to know. I had no idea if I was just weird, and hadn't found a guy I truly liked. Or if it would happen when I got older. It wasn't like I wanted to date a girl or anything.

One day after school in January, I stayed later to work on a Social Studies project that I was having trouble understating. My mom made me stay late until 4:30 PM, she said she would pick me up.

Some days my mind felt more cloudy than others with the confused thoughts. Today was one of those days. And I was feeling a sense of desperation.

I found myself looking around me to see if anyone else was watching- no one was.

I typed into Google "How do I know if I am gay."

I couldn't look this up on my home computer. My parents would somehow see it.

I figured there was less of a chance of anyone noticing or caring at school.

One of the first results was a quiz. It said: "Confused? Here is how to know if you are gay."

I glanced around me once more and clicked on it.

The quiz said: "Are you confused about your sexuality and need to figure yourself out? Look no further than this quiz to help you."

I took a deep breath and clicked the first question. It read:

Have you ever questioned your sexuality?

I clicked "Yes".

There were 10 questions- and the eighth was "Have you ever had thoughts about kissing the same sex?"

I felt my heart race as I clicked yes. I was clicking yes for all of these questions.

I had a feeling what my results would be. And when I saw them, my heart dropped. The quiz results said:

Are You Gay?

You are most likely into the same sex, at least bisexual, from your answers. This can be something that can take time to accept, but with this quiz, you've taken the first step. If you can find someone to talk to-

I stopped reading and immediately clicked out of the quiz.

No. There's no way. I can't be gay. I just can't be.