I couldn't get what Max said to me out of my head. That she was heartbroken, that she wasn't able to get out of bed, and that she started to say she regretted it.

I thought she was just fine and dandy after we broke up.

And I was the complete mess.

For a whole month I could hardly do anything but go to class. My life felt absolutely empty without Max. There were times where life didn't even feel worth it to me. It was like I was mourning someone that was still alive.

A little bit before my freshman winter break, I started to perk up because I figured I would see her at work. I was going to be at Chopped over my break. I thought we could maybe talk, and work something out. I had hope.

But when I didn't see her name on the schedule my first day back, I asked Christy about it.

"Max put in her notice in November." she said, "I have to be honest- I think it might have had something to do with your break up."

After that, all hope was lost. I wanted to text and call Max more than anything. But I didn't want her to think I was crazy. She broke up with me. I had no idea why, but I had to accept it.

It was so damn hard to accept.

And I didn't find myself coming out stronger and on the other side of it until my sophomore year.

But I had some setbacks. I would often think about the fact that Max could be dating someone else, and it genuinely upset me. Shook me to the core.

I had blocked her on social media, but one night toward the end of my sophomore year, I looked her up and unblocked her. I immediately regretted it.

Her profile picture was of her. Not of her two cats.

And it was a good photo. It was a selfie, and she had on a tank top, her hair was shaggy over her face, and she had on a beanie.

I felt my heart start to race as I looked at her. She wasn't smiling in the photo, but she looked really hot.

I looked and saw there were two comments.

My heart dropped as I saw a girl named Delaney Evans comment "looking good there" and Max commented back with a smiley face.

I flew into panic mode, and immediately blocked her again. I couldn't do that to myself.

My junior year was when I turned 21. I made it my goal to go to gay clubs and try to hook up with girls. And I did hook up with a few. It did nothing for me though- only in the moment, in their beds.

One of the girls that I hooked up with was Katie- my old friend, and the first girl I ever pictured kissing. She was at a gay bar one night that I was- and I found out that she was bisexual. We had lost touch since high school, but she knew I was gay from the grapevine.

I told her that I had always found her cute. She reciprocated, and that night she went back with me to my apartment.

It was the first time I felt somewhat alive since Max.

A couple of months later, I met Kyla.

I wasn't looking for a relationship. But I matched with Kyla on HER, thinking she was pretty. She knew how to hold a great conversation.

And on our first date, she won me over. Her intelligence, charm, and confidence was a huge turn on.

She put her career first, but always made room for me as well. And I truly thought that I was fully moved on from Max. I was with Kyla now. And I was happy with her.

But seeing Max set me a million steps back.

Was I ever really over her?

I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about it- even my sister and McKinley- I was embarrassed.

I also didn't even know the next time I would see Max.

So, I just tried to live my life. Accept that if something was going to happen, it would have happened.

I was with Kyla now, and she was great. Max just so happened to be her Paralegal.

The third week of July, Kyla said her team was going out to dinner. It was going to be the attorneys and their spouses, as well as the Paralegals.

They had won a big case- and wanted to celebrate.

This means I am seeing Max again.

Another set back. I knew that when I saw her, my mind would become frazzled again.

But I had to go to support Kyla- it would look bad if I didn't. One thing with Kyla, a lot was about appearances. Her whole job was about showing up, no matter what. She told me she was raised that way, and she abided by it.

We had a long table in the back of the restaurant. I was meeting Kyla there, she told me that she and Max had already gone there from work. Of course, she always called her Maxine.

From what Kyla told me, her and Max got along well. She said Max was doing a great job, and she was glad she hired her.

It made me feel proud of Max.

Kyla had saved a seat for me. Next to her, and diagonal from Max.

When I sat down, Max said to me, "Hi, Bella."

"Hey, Maxine." I said back.

It feels so weird calling her Maxine to her face,

She shot me a knowing look. She knew it was weird.

"Part of this win here was thanks to Maxine's skills. She did some stellar research and helped me out a ton." Kyla said to me.

"That's amazing." I said; and gave Max a small smile. She returned it.

"Maxine, did you always want to become a Paralegal?" Kyla asked her. Then she turned to me and said, "You knew Maxine back then. Did she mention it?"

I did a whole lot more than "know her".

"No, I honestly didn't even know what a Paralegal was." Max said, "I didn't know until college. I chose one of the shortest programs I could find, and just so happened to be very interested in it."

"Well, I'm glad college led you to becoming a Paralegal." Kyla said, "Cheers to that."

She held up her glass of water, and Max and I clinked our glasses against hers.

"Cheers." I said to Max.

Dinner went on, and I ordered some salmon. Max also got salmon, and Kyla got a steak.

"Now, wait. Remind me, how did you two meet?" Kyla asked Max and I. "Did you two go to the same high school?"

"No." I shook my head, "I believe I've told you that we worked together at Chopped."

"Right, right." Kyla said, "Did the two of you just kind of hit it off and start dating?"

Max looked at me. I decided to take the reins.

"Pretty much. Not right away, but a couple months into working together." I said.

"Aw." Kyla said, "I think it's so cute that you two dated in high school. Puppy love, you know?"

Before I could say anything, the waiter showed up with more drinks.

Max shot me a look when Kyla wasn't looking.

What is she thinking?

I felt myself resenting the comments that Kyla made. What I had with Max wasn't "puppy love" - it was real. And I also didn't want Max thinking that I had made our relationship sound like lesser than it was to Kyla.

I knew I shouldn't have cared, but I did.

Dinner ended- and I found myself back in the place I was after the last dinner.

Confused.

As Max said goodbye and I watched her leave, I couldn't help but wonder-

When am I seeing you again?

Kyla walked me out to my car. I had to park far down in the lot, the restaurant was crowded.

When we got to my car, she looked at me.

"Are you okay?" Kyla asked me, "You're being quiet."

I looked at Kyla and shook my head. "I have to be honest...I didn't really appreciate how you spoke of mine and Maxine's relationship."

Kyla narrowed her eyes slightly. "What do you mean?"

"You made it sound like what Maxine and I had was nothing. Just some dumb high school relationship. But it wasn't...it wasn't like that. It was pretty serious."

"Okay...why does that matter?" Kyla asked me.

"It doesn't. I just don't want Maxine to think our relationship meant nothing to her."

"And you think my comments would make her think that?" Kyla asked, her voice slightly angry.

"I don't know, maybe?" I said, "You were just downplaying it."

"I don't see why you care so much about how she thinks you perceive the relationship." Kyla snapped, "It was years ago."

"Kyla, all I was saying was that I didn't appreciate how you were talking about the relationship, that's it. Can we drop it?" I asked.

"I don't see why you even had to mention it. Why do you even give a fuck about how Maxine feels?"

"Alright, you're just being rude now." I said.

"Okay, guess I'm rude now." Kyla shook her head, "You know what, Bella. Have a good rest of your night. I'll just talk to you tomorrow."

Kyla then turned on her heel, and walked off to her car.

I then got into my car, and found myself breaking down at the wheel.

Why did Max have to come back into my life? When I don't even know why she left in the first place.

That was the part that hurt the most still- I had no idea why she even ended things. That always haunted me.

As I drove, I started to get more and more upset. I was confused. I was frustrated. I was scared about how I was feeling.

I pulled over into a parking lot to calm down.

But instead, I found myself pressing the call button on a contact I hadn't in years- Max.

I thought that maybe I was blocked- but my call went through.

I almost hung up, in a panic. But she picked up on the third ring.

"Bella? Why are you calling me?" she asked. She sounded exhausted.

"I-I'm sorry. I'll hang up." I said, through tears.

"No, no, no. Don't hang up. Why are you crying?" Max sounded concerned.

"Because of you!" I said into the phone, not able to hold back. "Because everything was going fine. And now you are back in my life and I'm all fucking confused. And I don't even know why you broke up with me in the first place!"

I was practically sobbing as I said those words to Max. Words I had been wanting to say to her for almost four years.

There was a pause on the other end. Then Max said, "Send me your location. I'm coming to you."

"No, you don't have-"

"Yes, I do." Max said, "I'm almost home but I'll turn around. Just text me where you are."

"Oh-okay." I said, "I'll do that now."

"Alright. Bye." Max said, and hung up.

I opened up a text message to send to Max, which felt very weird.

I then sent her my location.

I stayed in my car, in the parking lot. The lot was pretty crowded with cars, considering there were multiple restaurants and shops there.

I didn't even know how much time had passed- but eventually I got a text from Max that said: Pulling up next to you. Mind if I get in on your passenger side?

I texted her back: It's unlocked, come in.

I felt my hands shaking as I saw her get out of her car.

She had been wearing a blazer and jeans. I noticed she was wearing the jeans, but now had on a hoodie. Her hair was down, and shaggy.

This looked more like the Max I knew.

She then opened my passenger side door, and got in my car.

I felt my heart pound. "Hi." I said, not looking at her.

"Bella...I shouldn' be here." Max said.

I turned my head to look at her. She was already looking at me.

"Then why are you here?" I asked her.

"Because we need to talk. Like actually talk." Max said, "I hated hearing you cry like that."

"Not the first time since we broke up." I said.

Max nodded, "I know the feeling."

"See, that's what gets me." I said, "You broke up with me out of what felt like nowhere. And it killed me. It's been killing me for years!"

Max sighed, "I constantly regret it. I can still hear you asking me if I was joking when I broke up with you. But at the time, I really felt like I had to do that."

"Why? Please. Tell me why." I said to Max.

Max sighed. "Not long after you went away to college, my dad's sister, Karen, the one that had sent me that message on Facebook, started harassing my mom. Threatening my mom, and my sister and I. It paralyzed me with fear. I fell into a horrible depression. I could barely do anything."

I looked at Max. "Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

Max closed her eyes, and when she opened them, she had tears in them. "I was so scared she was going to do something to you too. She somehow knew I had a girlfriend. And sent a threatening message too about you. Bella, I was so fucking scared. Scared for my life, my mom and my sisters lives...but I was so scared for you. And I thought that for one, you could do better than me. You shouldn't have to deal with that. And two, I just wanted you to be safe."

"Max. You should have let me be the one to decide that- because I can tell you, that wouldn't have made me break up with you." I then asked, "What happened? Are you safe now?"

Max nodded, "Yes. Karen did actually show up to my house, not long after we broke up. My sister saw her getting out of her car, freaked out, and called the police. She had a knife with her. She's in prison now, probably for the rest of her life."

"And that's why your mom moved?" I asked Max.

Max nodded. "Yes. And Charlotte and I feel safer living together."

"Max, I am so sorry." I said, looking at her.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry for breaking up with you instead of just telling you. My brain four years ago thought I was doing the right thing, but I clearly wasn't." Max said. Then she sighed, "But by how Kyla was speaking tonight...were we on the same page back then?"

"Of course we were." I said to Max, "Kyla and I literally just got into an argument because I told her I didn't like how she was speaking of our relationship."

Max raised her eyebrows. "Really?"

"Yes. Max...she was making it seem like we were just some high school relationship that meant nothing. When in reality...you were everything to me." I said.

Max closed her eyes and sighed. "You were everything to me too, Bella. That's why...it's killing me seeing you with Kyla."

"I-" I started to speak, not knowing what I was going to say, when Max cut me off.

"Sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I need to be respectful." Max stammered, "I'm going to go. Before I say anything else that could get me in trouble."

I wanted to beg Max to stay. But I nodded. "I understand." I said.

She looked at me one last time, and then exited my car.

And once again, I had no idea when I would see her again.