---Your deception was my obsession---

I have to go after her  is all I can think about. I don't know where she is, but I know that I don't want to lose her. I refuse to listen to Chris who is trying to talk me out of it while talking me in to it. He already has said enough this night and I don't mind blaming him for all of this. He might be her best friend, but he's also a snitch and what he told me about her was absofuckinglutely not for him to share. I am almost as dedicated to punch him as I am to find her. I need to apologize, make sure that she is okay.

I empty my Talisker and put down the whiskey glass. The bartender is fast in cleaning the tabletop, but still slow enough to overhear Chris. She wheezes in amusement before she leaves us to serve a couple that is cuddling up in a corner. Chris keeps on rambling on how I lost my chance, even though a few minutes ago he was convinced I did not even have any. He might be too drunk to make decisions on my love life. Or hers.

So, I ignore Chris, who is still blabbing, while running out of the bar and down the staircase, feeling the breeze of the crisp morning air sting on my lips as I stumble outside. My eyes rapidly scan through the streets searching for her unrealistically red dyed hair. It should stand out in between these grey buildings as 17-year-old Billie Eilish at a princess themed birthday party. Yet, there is no little devil dancing around the streets, nor wandering towards the horizon. Chris soon catches up with me and I see the concern in his eyes reflecting mine.

"I'm calling her," I say while dialling her number. He made fun of this for the past fifteen minutes, but now it is not only me that is scared for her anymore. Despite of what I think of Chris, he still knows her better than anyone else. If he is concerned, I have all the reason to be as well. 

Especially, after knowing that she never believed in making it this far. That she believed she would never reach this age, this year. Because she insists on being on borrowed time she doesn't deserve. She is so full of self-resentment that I just want to hold her. To make sure that she will always seek comfort in living, instead of being proud of barely surviving. I want to tell her what she means to me. Tell her that she deserves to love and be loved. But no one is picking up and I start panicking.

Did I really mess up so badly so quickly?

I look in all directions hoping to see her face every time I turn. I am clutching on to my phone as though it is a lifeline connecting me to her. Eventually, she finally appears in front of the bar like a magician dispelling her invisibility. My heart drops and I go one step towards her, but my head stops me from going further. All I wish for is to take her face between my hands and kiss her, make sure that she knows how much I love her.

But I know this is not the time for our story. No matter how affectionate I am, she will not be mine in this lifetime. I see it on her face, the forced smile. She is done. I cannot do anything besides accept that she has made her decision. I grip my lifeline tighter to prevent myself of crumbling down, trying not to fall beneath the surface as my heart aches, and my brain eradicates all the possibilities we could have had.