Tuesday

There was a gentle knock on Senn's door—while he was in bed—hiding from the world while under his comforter. Nice, cozy, warm, safe.

No judgemental looks, no gossip or rumors about anything that had to do with his life. No shameless staring, no people telling him 'they knew how he felt'.

They didn't.

Really, they had no idea what any part of Senn's life was like nowadays. Nobody who hadn't gone through so much loss, could ever possibly understand what it felt like to Senn to lose whatever he had with Elio. Who was, in fact—as far as Senn knew—the only person in town that he knew, who could and did understand what it felt like to be him. After all, he was in the exact same position as Senn found himself in.

He lost a parent, and he lost whatever they had shared in the few weeks that had passed since the beginning of Senn's schoolyear.

Senn was longing to see him. Every inch of him was crying out for his jokes, his laughs, his wise words and his lame sticky notes. Which had, obviously, ended since that weekend. No more reasons for Senn to continue fighting, no more notes to tell him where to meet, no more things he should still experience.

No more Elio.

He had been absent from school for two days already, and Senn couldn't help but wonder; was it something with Joseph, or was he too angry to face Senn?

"Senn?" Aunt Tessa's soft voice sounded through the crack of the door, and Senn suddenly realized he never replied to her knock. By the time he threw the cover off his face, she was carefully shuffling into his room with cookies and milk.

"That might be exactly what I need right now," Senn muttered, shoving aside his diary to make room for the tray with the delicious cookies.

"Cookies, milk, or a good old conversation with your crazy aunt Tessa?"

"All three, in that order."

Tessa chuckled, handing him a cookie, a glass of milk, took both for herself as well, and sat down on the bed with him.

I heard what happened," she said with a calm voice and a worried frown on her face. "I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with the boys when we got home on Saturday."

"It's okay, it wasn't really a private conversation."

"Good to know that part is okay. What about you? You seem awfully distracted and withdrawn again."

"Well, I'm officially dragged out of the closet. Everybody seems to know what happened between Elio and me, and they all know what we were fighting about."

"And how are your friends treating you?"

"Good, but Avan and Lucas already knew. The girls just have to get used to it. Other people I used to hang out with are fine too. But there's a lot of hate still. The only positive thing about the accident is that people seem to stop themselves from giving me a hard time."

"But?"

"I hear them talking or whispering. I see them stare a me."

"For now, they leave you alone. You can't change how people think about sexualities overnight, but you can learn how to ignore them. It's not about them, or their happiness. It's about you, and what you want and feel."

"Yeah, well, that doesn't matter anymore because Elio isn't talking to me and he hasn't been in school. He was really pissed, didn't give me a chance to explain, and leaves me on my own after dragging me out of my comfy closet."

Tessa pursed her lips shortly, grabbing another cookie for both of them. As they were silently eating—though Senn was more nibbling—Tessa absentmindedly pushed some hair out of his face; just like his mom always used to do when they'd have conversations about difficult topics.

And suddenly Senn longed to her warm embrace more than ever. The fact she wasn't there to hug him anymore, made him all the more sad. But Tessa seemed to notice how he froze to her touch, and how his eyes watered at a vague memory of his mother doing the same.

"Come here," Tessa whispered as she set her milk aside, opening her arms to invite him for a hug.

Senn scooted closer, snuggling against Tessa as she placed her arms around him.

"I really miss Mom and Dad and Liam, but Elio made me feel better for a while, and now I lost him too," Senn admitted in a sad whisper. "And I feel so alone."

"I miss them too, sweetie. But we have to learn how to live without them. They would've wanted you to continue, live, and enjoy life. If Elio is bringing you that joy for now, he is definitely worth fighting for. I haven't heard you put anything in comparison so far. Yet, you mention missing him in the same sentence as missing your parents and brother."

Senn bit his lip when she pointed out that little fact. He felt as if she was calling him out, even though she was just telling him he cared a lot about Elio. But mentioning him in the same sentence as his parents, or Liam, didn't feel respectful to them.

But he did compare the two. He kept thinking he lost Elio as well.

"I don't even know him all that well. I only just learned more about his family and I feel like I still don't know much about him."

Tessa pushed his face up, staring into his eyes with a small smile. As she pushed his hair back again, she said; "But you know him well enough to like him. To sulk in bed for days on end because he isn't talking to you. So, what's holding you back on visiting him?"

"Because I don't want to push him too much. I don't want to piss him off even more. What if he's just busy with family and he didn't have time to even think about what happened? I don't know that."

"More important, do you know what you want to tell him? You know, once he wants to listen?"

Senn sighed, slumping down against her again. He had no idea what exactly he wanted to say. Yes, he wanted to let Elio know how much it hurt that he wasn't willing to listen right away. That the explanation was simple and logic. That it didn't mean he had to drag him out of the closet like that.

But what did he want after that? He didn't need a sorry. He just needed validation. He needed Elio to tell him his emotions were important too, and that he shouldn't have hurt him like that jut because he felt hurt.

But even after all that was accomplished? If it would be accomplished? Then what?

He wanted Elio in his life, and he probably wanted to be as close to him as possible. But if Elio wouldn't admit that he made a mistake; if he felt like he had the right, then he wasn't sure if it would work out.

And he really needed to figure that out first.

* * * Be aware; up to chapter 41 is already up on Patreon! If you wish to read ahead of others, don't hesitate to donate (ha, that rhymes!). Seriously tho, support me on Patreon ^^. Multiple chapters to this story, plus bonus chapters are there, waiting to be read! * * *

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Love, June