Thursday

After his conversation with Tessa, Senn hadn't been able to sleep. He kept thinking about her words, and how hiding his true self was suffocating him. He already had enough on his mind, trying to adjust to a new life without his parents and Liam. He didn't want to deal with his sexuality while it seemed so unimportant compared to the rest.

But it was one of the easier things to deal with.

He couldn't magically summon his parents and Liam back to life. He couldn't move back to the one house that actually felt like home. He couldn't change any of that, or what had happened in the past. He couldn't get his memory back in the blink of an eye, he couldn't undo the damage in his body with the flick of a finger.

But he could figure out his sexuality. While that had felt like a huge burden to bear when he just started realizing his feelings for Julian, now it felt like child play. He fought bigger battles, dealt with the loss of most of his family.

So, how hard could it be to deal with losing Lucas if he didn't accept him for who he truly was? If Lucas rather wanted Senn to suffocate for a second longer so he could remain unaware of his sexuality, then how good of a friend was he really?

Still, when he met up with Avan and Lucas at lunch, he couldn't get himself to tell Lucas they needed to talk. Part of him felt the urge to consult the magic-8-ball first, and he cursed himself for not doing it before school.

Because Lucas wasn't planning on letting it go.

"What was up with the looks yesterday?" Lucas asked, pulling both of them to a stop before they entered the lunchroom. "You guys exchanged looks and I'm sick of feeling left out."

Avan shrugged a shoulder, staring at Senn while waiting for him to answer. Or more so, for him to make a decision on what they would tell Lucas.

"Seriously," Lucas groaned when Senn remained silent, rather biting his lip than spilling the truth with so many students surrounding them. "It seems as if everyone knows something, except me. Joyce and Samantha kept whispering to each other, you guys kept sending each other looks. Avan even had to stop himself from laughing when Joyce said something about her date with Elio. What the hell is going on?"

"Lucas..." Senn muttered, surprised by the sadness in his voice. "We don't mean to shut you out."

"Then why are you shutting me out?"

"Because it's not that simple." Senn wildly gestured, in desperate need to vent some frustration. "I already told you there's something you don't know. That I haven't told you for a long time already. But lately it wasn't exactly my priority to deal with it, but it kinda got pushed in my face. Avan found out by luck."

"So, why not tell me?"

"Because I don't know if I'm ready to tell you everything, Luc!" Senn cried out. "Did you forget I lost my parents? Or Liam? Or that I lost months worth of memories? I've been dealing with that, and how scared I am of losing the only memories I have left of my family."

"I... I didn't know you were scared... Shit," Lucas muttered, gently nudging him with a fist. "I'm sorry, Senn. I just... I felt left out and I haven't considered the fact you had more on your mind than an insecure friend who just doesn't want to lose you."

Senn took in a deep breath, suddenly tired. He really wanted to go into the lunchroom and find out what happened with Elio and Joyce. But looking at Lucas, he felt like he needed to deal with his friendship first. Bro's before ho's, right? Even if the ho's were in fact bro's as well. "It's okay, Lucas. Just... give me time."

"Right, I will. Just hit me whenever I get impatient again."

Avan chuckled. "That means he gets to hit you continuously. Are you sure about that?"

Lucas rolled his eyes, hit Avan on his arm and pulled a face at him. "Let's grab lunch, I think Joyce could use a friend. She didn't seem too happy during Spanish."

"You guys go ahead, I'll be there in a minute." Senn pointed towards the bathrooms, and left before they could offer to wait for him.

He walked into the stall, dropped his backpack on the ground and retrieved the magic-8-ball. Whenever he did hold on to it, he would vividly remember his father holding it, right before asking it a question—half of which were to goof around—and never failing to take the answer serious. It was something nobody outside their family had ever really understood. Avan and his parents thought it wasn't smart to let a toy decide things for you, no matter how trivial the question was. They knew Senn had been allowed to go to a party with Killian while he was only 15, because the magic-8-ball had told them 'outlook good'.

Senn ended up drunk at the party, and too sick to go out the next day. Joyce came over to keep him company while the rest went down to the river, and it's when they started dating. According to Senn's father, that had been the entire reason the outlook had indeed looked good.

So, just like his father, he took the ball in hand, held it close to his lips, and whispered; "should I tell Lucas the truth?"

He kept his eyes closed while he shook the ball, and only dared to open them after holding it still for a few seconds.

"Hey! Hurry up in there!" A guy slammed his fist on the door loudly, and Senn jumped in his spot with an awkward yelp.

"Almost finished!" Senn grumbled, looking at the ball in his hand.

Outlook good

He sighed deeply, while some sort of relief washed over him. At least he could tell Lucas exactly what he had been keeping from him for so long already. And according to the magic-8-ball, the outlook was good. Which meant Lucas couldn't possibly react in a negative way, right?

Senn pulled a face at the wall, before he flushed the toilet, grabbed his backpack and left the stall by throwing the door against the rude guy who kept knocking the door. Without washing his hands—since he hadn't actually used the toilet—he left the bathrooms and went into the lunchroom to find his friends.

They were seated at the same table as usual, only Elio was missing.

"Hey," he greeted his four friends, sitting down next to Joyce, who was staring into the distance. "Are you okay?"

"No, not really. But it's nothing," she muttered. "Elio doesn't want to date anymore."

"Oh," Senn replied, unsure on how to properly react since his heart had skipped a beat, knowing it was probably because he had admitted to Elio that he was in fact into him. But he also felt shitty, since Joyce was one of his best friends and he did care about her a lot.

"Let's not talk about it," she said, smiling at him. Though her smile didn't meet her eyes. "At least he was decent and told me before we got into deep. I'll be okay."

Senn nodded, wondering if she wanted to talk about it more, or really wanted them to talk about something else. Thankfully, Samantha tapped her shoulder for attention and he could turn to Lucas.

"Hey, can we talk after school?"

Lucas frowned in surprise, but nodded anyway. "Yeah, sure."

Senn nodded shortly and slumped down in his seat while breathing out. He rather wanted this over with as soon as possible. And he really hoped everything would turn out okay.

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Love, June