He can't believe that he said that. What was he thinking? Luca needed him, and he had to go and run his mouth about feelings? God, now things were just going to become even more awkward.

Jamie's hands clenched around his coffee mug. He was just finishing up some paperwork, and then he had to call in an order at the Thai place.

And then, it was straight back to Luca's.

His eyes close in embarrassment and he can feel his face flushing. Already he was dreading having promised to go back over to Luca's for dinner. He had less than an hour to pull himself together, but he was seriously doubting that he could.

How could he possibly face Luca after what happened this afternoon? Luca had looked so shocked at his words, not saying a word. He was probably trying to think of a way to let Jamie down gently in order to avoid hurting his feelings, Jamie reasoned.

All he wanted to do was go back to his own place and ignore the feelings stirring in his chest. But he knew he couldn't. He honestly didn't think that Luca would notice his absence. The other man was downright oblivious most of the time. So hearing that he had noticed made his heart clench.

A knock sounds on his office door. "Jamie, I know you're in there brooding, so I'm coming in." The door opens before he has a chance to respond, and Matilda steps in. Her eyes rove over his face, and she raises a questioning brow, hand on her cocked hip. "What did that man do this time?"

"I don't know what you mean," Jamie tries, just as he always does when Matilda tries to bring up Luca.

She shakes her head, closing the door behind her as she moves to sit on the small couch that sits against the wall. "Oh please, don't try that shit again. You're wearing the Luca face." She looks up at him, legs crossed. "So, what did he do to make you brood this time?"

Jamie sighs, reluctantly setting his mug of coffee down. "Nothing." Matilda opens her mouth to protest but he shakes his head, cutting her off. "No really, this time he didn't do anything. It's my fault."

She looks at him with a calculated gaze before standing up and walking over to the coffee pot and pouring herself a mug. She takes a long sip, letting out an equally long sigh. "Alright, I'm ready. Tell me what happened."

It takes a minute for Jamie to form the words, and then an awkward five minutes stammering out the story. Matilda just watches him with knowing eyes, letting out hums of encouragement whenever needed. She has just taken a sip of her coffee when he gets to the part about his confession, and she chokes on the drink, coughing.

"You told him?" she asks after she finally stops coughing. "Oh my god, I never thought I would see the day. What did he say?"

"Nothing," Jamie says, lips turning down into a frown. "He just looked too shocked. And then I told him I had to get back to work and I would see him at lunch." He groans, letting his head fall into onto his desk. "Why did I do that?"

"Oh hush," Matilda says, and Jamie hears her walk over to his desk, stopping on his left. Turning his head, he rests his cheek on the desk, looking up at his friend, who is leaning against the desk. "It's good that you made that promise, now you can't avoid him anymore."

His lips turn down into a more severe frown. "I- I wasn't..."

Matilda rolls her eyes. "Yes you were, and stop your pouting."

"I'm not pouting!" Jamie exclaims, sitting up and fixing his so-called friend with a glare.

"Yes you are, and there's no reason to be. You're acting like this is the end of the world."

"Well, it certainly is the end of our friendship," Jamie tells her.

She rolls her eyes again, so hard that she probably saw her brain. "Stop being so damn dramatic. This is a good thing, Jamie! Now you can't avoid the feelings, and something will happen. I can't tell you if it will be good or bad, but something will happen! That's what has been needed for years! So buck up and just hold on for the ride. You put the ball in his court, and now you just have to wait for him to respond."

"Doesn't mean I have to like it," Jamie grumbles.

A hand settles on his shoulder, and looking up at Matilda, he sees the sympathy shining in her eyes. "No, you don't. But being uncomfortable doesn't always have to be a bad thing, you know? Sometimes good things come from being out of your comfort zone."

Jamie just groans into the desk, not saying anything else.

"That's the spirit," Matilda says, her voice way too encouraging at the moment for Jamie's liking.

He's supposed to be suffering here! Agonizing over every little detail from the conversation he had with Luca earlier today.

But her words have made him feel a little more determined. The anxiety is still stirring inside him, but he knows that it is out of his hands.

The only bad thing is Luca's obliviousness. Who knows what that man will do about the words Jamie told him. All Jamie knows is that he can no longer avoid his best friend. He and Noelle need him, and he has never been one to back down from helping others. It's the reason why he has two cats, and thinking of getting a third. It's also the reason that he has been pining after his best friend for years, never saying anything because he didn't want to risk upsetting Luca.

But he can't take back his words now. All he can do is pray to everyone who may be listening that Luca will not be uncomfortable around him, and let Jamie stay in his life.

"Go ahead and head out. You can finish this tomorrow." Matilda pulls him up from the desk, pushing him over to the door and handing him a jacket. "I'll see you later."

Once she closes the office door behind them, she gives him a tight hug, before leaving him on his own.

Jamie is quick to call the Thai place, giving them his order before forcing himself to walk outside. The snow is just starting, not quite sticking yet, and for that he is grateful. He wants to be home before the snow starts to gather. He has always hated driving when there is snow or ice, not being able to relax until he is out of his car.

The driving goes too quick for Jamie's liking. Sooner than he wants, he has picked up the Thai food and driven to Luca's. Now he just sits in his car, trying to work up the courage to go inside.

It is only when he sees a curtain flutter in the front window that he gets out of his car. Slowly, he walks up to the front door before giving it a hesitant knock.

The door opens in less than a minute, Noelle letting out small cries and Luca giving him a confused look. "You don't have to knock."

"I didn't know if I was welcome."

Luca just shakes his head, stepping aside and letting Jamie walk into the house before closing the door. "You're always welcome."

An awkward silence falls, and Jamie finds himself hesitantly holding out the food. "Here's the Thai food I promised."

"I'll trade you," Luca says.

He takes the food and allows Jamie to take a squirming Noelle, their hands brushing in the exchange. It has Jamie positively blushing, which is frustrating as all hell, and refusing to look at Luca.

The other man eventually clears his throat. "I'll grab us some plates. Why don't you go sit in the living room? We can watch a movie or something."

"Sure," Jamie says, watching Luca go before forcing himself to move to the living room and sit on the couch.

There is a fire in the fireplace and bulky blankets on the couch. It's an inviting site. Jamie pads over to the couch, toes off his shoes, and then falls back on the cushion.

Noelle whines against him and he readjusts her in his arms. She is getting so big already, her cheeks, arms, and legs filling out. Her hair has thinned some, but not too much. The curls are still there.

He cuddles her against his chest, reaching over for the bottle on the coffee table. He tests it to make sure it is still warm before giving it to her. She immediately takes the nipple, eyes fluttering as she eats. Leaning down, he presses a gentle kiss to her soft hair.

"I just plated some for the two of us," Luca says. He sits down next to Jamie, placing both plates on the coffee table. "Do you want me to take her?"

"No, no," Jamie says, leaning further into the couch. "I've got her."

The awkward silence sets in once more, and Luca must be desperate to end it, because he is quick to turn on the television, the nightly news playing on a low volume.

"Jamie, I..."

"We don't have to talk about it," Jamie says, quick to cut off his friend. Just remembering what he had said earlier that day has his stomach turning in anxiety.

"If you don't want to, I'll drop it." Luca squirms slightly, licking his lips before looking at Jamie. "But- But I want to talk about it."

Jamie's arms tighten around Noelle, using her as a type of shield.

"I don't think there is anything more for me to say," Jamie states, looking down at Noelle so he doesn't have to meet Luca's eyes.

There is a pause, no words said for long enough that Jamie peeks up at his friend. Luca is watching him, an unreadable look on his face, which is strange enough. Jamie has always been able to read Luca like an open book, but not now.

"There really is, Jamie," Luca murmurs. He turns away to place his own food back down on the table before leaning back against the arm of the couch. The position makes it so that he can watch Jamie with ease, and it has the other man fighting not to squirm from the unwavering gaze.

"Then tell me."

Luca raises a brow. "Tell you what?"

"What you want me to say. Because I already said my part."

Neither of them says anything for a second, before Luca finally breaks the silence. "You said that it hurt for you to be around me and- and not have me. Did you mean that?"

The anxiety churns once again, but Jamie swallows past the unease climbing up his throat. "Yes."

"How long?"

Jamie shrugs his shoulders, the motion causing Noelle to squirm against him before settling once more. "I don't know. Years, a decade maybe?"

Luca's eyes are wide. "What? Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Seriously, Luca?" Jamie turns then, slipping the now empty bottle from Noelle's mouth and setting it on the table. "You have always been happy with others, to have me as a best friend. Why would I say anything?"

"I've been hurting you for a decade?"

"You didn't do it on purpose, Luca. It isn't your fault. It's my own. You've always been happy with others, and I've... not. It's just how life is sometimes. But you've been needing me more since you and Becca split, and I love being here. It hurts though"

"I- I can see that," Luca says, eyes turned down. "I shouldn't rely on you so much. I'm sorry."

"As I said, none of it is your fault. It will pass eventually. But if I'm distant, you know why."

"You don't have to be, Jamie."

Jamie looks up at his friend, eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "What do you mean?

Luca's shoulders tense, and he looks up at Jamie, gaze never wavering. "We could try something."

Jamie takes in his friend, how taut his body is. Even his lips are pressed into a thin line, and Luca's words cause the unease in his stomach to lessen. Instead, it feels like his stomach has just dropped to the floor.

Swallowing past the hurt. "No. We aren't."

"I don't see why not."

"I sure as hell do," Jamie snaps back, and he has to reign back his anger. "It is just like you to try and save everyone, to try and make others happy at your own expense. Well, listen to me now, Luca. I will not be with you just because you feel an obligation. That would be horrible for both of us and Noelle. No way."

He maneuvers Noelle so that she is laying in the empty cushion on the couch between them. "Now, eat your food before it gets cold."

Jamie turns, grabs the remote and turns the news up before grabbing his own plate. He can feel Luca's eyes on him, but he refuses to look over at his best friend again. It hurts too much, and he fears that if he looks at Luca, he might actually cry. The thought has him stuffing food in his mouth, as if to force the feeling away.

"Alright, Jamie. Whatever you say."

He closes his eyes, relishing the pain for a few seconds before forcing it away once more.