I strip. Put on a dress. My cleavage can be seen.

Mama always made sure it's concealed. I strip. Put on a dress.

It's got no sleeves and my not-slender arms can be seen. Mama used to wrap her fingers around them like a snake.

"Look how fat they are!" I strip.

Put on a dress. My curves embrace it. Papa always said "Oh look at that! I think you've put on some weight". I strip.

Put on a dress. My legs are bare. My brother used to look at them and laugh. They're not like those of the girls he sees when he sneaks out of the house. I strip.

Put on a dress. It goes up to my neck where it turns into a collar. It's got long sleeves. It hides my curves. It runs till my knees and there, my harem pants begin.

The mirror tells me I look ridiculous but I don't have to remind myself that the other options are worse. The black-red images never leave your head.

My car gives me a little comfort. People can't see me when I'm in here and the seats are comfy. I wonder what my Saturday mornings would look like in a parallel universe. I try not to look at the billboards. It's a little trick I've learnt by myself. More like, a little trick I had to learn after ending up at the hospital for skipping meals an entire week.

Mr Nick, my driver, gets a cup of cold coffee for me. These days, I call him Nono. He insisted until I gave in.

He is an adult in his late 40s. I remember the day my guardian hired him for me. The moment I saw him at my doorstep, I released the breath that I was holding in until that point. 

He reminds me of my grandma, the maternal one. She used to drop me off at school every day and pick me up in the evening. Some days, she used to gift me with a big kiss, not a shower but one big drop satisfying enough for a thirsty plant. 

I shift my attention to Nono. I always do. He has two sons, both older than me. He says they're all busy with their jobs and rarely call him. I remember asking him why he decided to work when he didn't have the need to.

"I don't", he said. "But Victor is an old friend of mine. When he asked me for help, I decided to go for it".

Victor is my local guardian. Nono told me that they met while serving in the navy.

"Victor always had my back", he said. "And I'd do anything to convey my gratitude".

"Do you wish you he asked you something other than driving me around, Nono?"

"Of course not! I have so much fun with you!"

That day, I knew I could believe him. It was a gut instinct.

"How's your therapy going on?"

"I don't hate Dr Robert now".

Sometimes, I wonder why Victor still makes me see Dr Robert when his own best buddy does just as good. I confronted both of them about it. "It's because Dr Robert has experience", they said. I know I can never change their mind about it.

Italian music fills the air. Nono loves Italy. "This was my wife's favourite place on earth!" he tells me from time to time. He lost her to cancer.

"Nono, can I ask you something?"

He turns down the music. "You know you can ask me anything, sweetheart".

"It just hit me that I never asked you this- what were your feelings when you woke up the day after you buried your wife?"

He pulls the car to a side. My heart drops.

He turns around and takes my hand in his.

"My wife and I- we- we knew what was ahead of us. So, we both made peace with it even before she died". He tells me that it didn't stop him from grieving. He pictured her wherever he went for days.

"But at some point, I knew I had to get better for myself", he says. "Now, what brought this on? Is this because of your first week at college?"

I nod. I don't have the courage to speak.

"How did it go? Did anyone give you any trouble? I can go and give them a piece of my mind, or fist".

That does it. I launch myself into his arms. I let the tears flow. I feel like they're not going to run out any time soon. But I don't worry too much about it. Dr Robert always tells me that giving your tears their freedom to flow is one of the bravest things ever. I've imprisoned them for a week now. So, I tell myself I'm doing a noble act. I don't know how long it's been. It feels like an hour has passed but I'm sure it's been nothing more than twenty minutes.

I wonder what Dr Robert will have to say about this. He thinks Nono is a positive addition to my life. He thinks I see him as a link to my past, the one before all the tragedies. I like to think that it's good.

I pull away and notice that Nono has been crying too. A part of me feels at ease that he understands my pain. It makes me trust him even more than I already do. But there's another part that rebukes me for all of this. I love Nono and I'm putting him through grief. He has handled enough pain already. So, I'm glad that he's highly unaware of certain dark thoughts and feelings that plague me. And I like to keep it that way.

"Talk to me, sweetheart. How are you feeling?"

I wipe the stalling tears on his cheeks. "I feel better, Nono. Thank you".

"Anytime".

I look out the window as he gets back to driving. I find Rose café to my left. We must be fifteen minutes away. It's packed with people chatting away without any care in the world. They seem so happy. Maybe people only see the things they envy. Maybe I should know better. Maybe smiling lips don't always mean smiling hearts.

I wave Nono goodbye as he drives away. I can see Dr Robert standing close to the window in his office. He's looking at me. I can tell he's serious. I wonder why.

There's a man standing a few feet away.

I'm sure I don't know him.