❛ chapter twenty three! ❜

twenty three | something to remember me by-the horrors

I woke up earlier than everyone in the cozy West household and headed to work, firmly believing that the hectic flow of morning customers would keep my mind busy from over thinking about my small discovery from last night. Hell, was I wrong. All I've done is mechanically take orders as I come to the conclusion that Barry Allen is Savitar to then push that ridiculous theory away and then start analyzing detail by detail, fact by fact all over again and come to the same conclusion I don't want to accept.

The worst thing is that knowing immediately puts me in the obligation to tell the team, the question is: how am I going to do that? No one is going to believe me. No one would ever believe that. Once again, I take shelter in the idea of being wrong and try to convince myself that I am-in fact-wrong. I'm trying to get my mind off that topic or anything related to it so badly, however, people won't cooperate, for The Flash is the only thing they order. There's a whole list of options to choose from and everyone seems to be obsessed with the beverage named after the speedster.

Just two hours later, I sit at a lonely table at war with myself, holding a steaming mug of The Flash with my eyes staring at some point in the distance, feeling how heat radiates into my hands. I could be wrong, couldn't I? I think. I don't want to point fingers at Barry, I refuse to believe that the super bad guy is the sweet and sometimes nerdy guy that has made see life from a different perspective. But then again there's the what if, banging at my troubled brain. Maybe I should tell him first, he's going to laugh at me for believing that, or he's going to hate me. I bring my mug close to my lips only to be startled by my phone, which buzzes wildly on the table. Once I grab it, I find several messages from Cisco-SUPER SOLDIER. THE LABS NOW. URGENT. SERIOUSLY NOW-all in caps and followed by at least ten exclamation marks.

Here I was trying to avoid everyone and now I have to whoosh and face the entire team. And so I do, after using my lying skills on the manager. The second I cross the glass doors I speed all the way to the labs, feeling a hint of worry sparking in my chest by the urgency of the text and it grows when I think of every horrible possible scenario. In matter of a few seconds, I burst into the facility and make my way to the elevator that'll take me to the Cortex; I'm turning the corner when I crash into something-more like someone, judging by the pained groan coming from them when we collide and also when we fall to the ground. A bunch of profanities in my mother tongue pile out of my mouth as I get on my feet and face a very upset Barry.

"Ow! Where did you come from?" He asks as he rubs his head while rising to his feet.

"What happened? Is Iris alright? Is everyone alright? Are you alright?" I blurt out, ignoring his question and the green eyed man looks at me in complete shock.

"I think everyone's fine-oh my god your skirt is on fire!" he points out and I curse out loud again as I struggle to take my apron off and use it to stop the flames from eating my skirt.

"Perfect," I mutter, examining the damage. I look up at Barry and calm down when I see his oddly calm demeanor, "I thought something terrible had happened, Cisco made it sound so urgent with the caps and all, I've told him to be more specific when he texts me. Just the other day he used the word lmao and I have no idea of what he was trying to say," he nods at everything I say, sliding his hands into his pockets with the most intense and filled with doubt stare he's ever shot my way, "you're acting weird today, very, what's up with-" I'm cut off by my phone buzzing in my pocket and I see it's Cisco calling; I don't even have time to speak when I take the call, for he's gushing a plethora of words to someone in the background.

"Vee? Oh, thank god," he breathes, nervousness dripping from his voice, "okay, this might come as a shock but hear me out, Savitar is a time remnant future Barry created, it's him, it's always been him," I feel a weight being lifted from off my shoulders when he tells me that and I can't help but sigh in relief, for I won't have to be the one telling them. Still, the tone he's using is making me anxious, "that's not the relevant part right now, though."

"Then what is the relevant part?" I ask, a frown working on my face as Barry observes me.

"Since Savitar is Barry, he knows everything we're gonna do because he remembers doing it so, uhm-oh lordy-please don't freak out," he asks and the mere fact he's told me not to freak out does the total opposite. I mutter a faint okay while squinting my eyes as I wait for his answer, "We messed around with Barry's brain to stop him from making new memories, something went wrong and now he's got amnesia," he blurts, "he doesn't remember anything, he doesn't remember his own name, he doesn't even remember he's The Flash."

"Fuck me," I mumble, "he's, he's got-" I can only stare in complete disbelief at the man that wanders towards the elevator across the hall as some weird kind of anger and worry takes over me, "-what the heck were you guys thinking?!" I whisper shout into the phone, stepping away from Barry so that he doesn't hear.

"What can I say? We we're desperate! For the record, he gave his consent to do it. But we're going to fix it, don't worry," he pauses, letting out a small nervous laugh, "is it a bad moment to tell you that we can't find him?"

"You reset the guy's brain and on top of that you lose him?!" I tell him quietly, keeping an eye on Barry.

"In my defense he was here just a second ago!" I close my eyes and take in a deep breath after I see the way the amnesiac man stares at me from his spot. I clear my throat and collect myself for the sake of everyone.

"You know what, it's alright if you say you can fix it," I tell him, my eyes glued to Barry, who glances up at the ceiling, "he's fine, I found him wandering when I got here, we'll be with you in a few so we can discuss this whole thing," I tell him, pinching the bridge of my nose. I slide my phone in my pocket again and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear as I see Barry pressing the elevator panel again and again. I clear my throat to get his attention but it doesn't work, so I shuffle towards him and tap him on the shoulder and he finally looks at me, "Hey, Bar. I'm-"

"Violett," he says and I raise my eyebrows, "it's on your name tag," he points at the golden tab on my blouse. Of course. I give him a small smile.

"Let me guess, you're lost, aren't you?" He faintly nods.

"I-I think so."

"Don't worry. I got you," I unconsciously grab his arm and I feel the way he tenses, "it's alright, we're friends, you can trust me; you don't remember but we've known each other for several months now," he looks at me with wary eyes and I dedicate him a smile, "it's okay, come on," I coo as I gently pull him into the elevator and press the button that'll take us to our destination.

"We're friends?" He raises a brow, his interest piqued, "How did we meet?"

"I was sent over to help with some stuff. You were the first one I met actually," I notice he's still pretty dazed about not remembering things, "we're going to help you get your memories back, get you back to normal, we only need you to stay with us, so no more sneaking out for today," he gives me a lopsided grin; the elevator dings and the doors slide open, my hand reaches for his arm again and we step out of the elevator, "I-we don't want you to get lost in the city in this state, we'd be very worried about you. If you need anything feel free to tell any of us, okay?"

"Thanks," he says softly, "I see why we're friends, you're a nice person," I wish I could have stopped my face from turning red at his words, but blushing might as well be my curse when it comes to him saying things like these, even in his amnesiac state, "you know what?" He comes to a stop.

"What?"

"Actually, I think I need something?" He tells me with a hint of pink on his own cheeks. A few minutes later, I'm standing outside the labs bathroom waiting for Bart-as he's decided to call himself-to come out. Now that I think about it, Cisco and Julian's epic fail could actually be the way we defeat Savitar, he probably is in the same predicament as Barry, however, there's always a flaw, no memories mean no Flash and no Flash means that the city is at great risk. I'm thinking that, perhaps, we can teach him how to use the powers he still doesn't know he has in order to become The Flash again and that he'll learn real fast when a very loud sound of things shattering comes from behind that door.

"Barry? Are you okay?" He utters an unintelligible reply. My hand tugs at the doorknob and lets go of it when the barrier between us cracks open little by little, revealing a very guilty looking Barry Allen. The mess at his feet and the sink broken pipe makes my mouth hang open.

"I couldn't find the towels and I accidentally knocked the vase off the counter, I tried to catch it and then-"

"Let's just get you out of here, yeah?" I tell him, grabbing his arm to get him out of there before he ends up dripping wet. I tell him to wait there and I make my way into the chaotic bathroom, jumping over the shards of a decorative vase with aromatic salts to get to the pipe, which I twist with all my strength until there's just a weak stream of water coming out of it. I let out a loud sigh when I'm done and spot two curious eyes peeking from the door.

"I'm so sorry for this," he tells me as I open a number of drawers looking for the goddamn towels until I find them.

"It's okay. Think fast, speedy," I say as I walk towards him, throwing the towel at him, and noticing the way he's looking at me, "What?"

"Do you realize that I just destroyed the bathroom," I can't help but smile. Man, you own the place. I think.

"Don't be sorry about it, it can be fixed," I tell him with a shrug, grabbing the towel from his hands.

"You're not angry?" A chuckle bubbles in my throat and start dabbing the wetness off his face.

"Like being mad at someone like you was even easy, Allen."

My eyes get trapped by his when I acknowledge I've said too much, for I never meant to say that out loud. Those mixed feeling play within my chest once again and I don't know how to make them stop from invading my entire being. Sea-green eyes stare back at me, slicing through me effortlessly with that innocence the lack of memories have unchained within him and as I seem to fall from a cliff and into them, I realize of the huge mistake I've made. I've let my attachment grow into something I'm scared of not being able to stop. I'm trying to fight back those feelings but with every day that passes it feels as if fighting back is only getting me stuck into a spiderweb and no matter what I do to escape I get more and more tangled. I've been trapped in that web since day one and only now I see it with clear eyes; his lips quirk up, breaking me free from my own thoughts and I hurry to catch a droplet of water that rolls down his jaw and quickly step back, trying to ignore the way his heart-stopping eyes study my face.

"We should get going now. They're waiting for us," I manage before we start walking.

⚪⚪⚪

I sit in front of a computer at the Cortex, staring blankly at a scan of Barry's brain. Cisco explained what happened and I had to speed read like ten books about brains and the types of memories there exist to actually understand what he had said. I gather we just need to find a way to rewire his brain, still were working on the how. Good thing that as long as Barry is in this state, Savitar won't be messing around with us. I take in a deep breath and rise my feet to the desk, while covering my face with my apron in an attempt to rest my eyes, for I've been reading like crazy in the last twenty minutes and I need all that new information to settle down.

"This testifying deal is gonna go down so fast even for him," I hear Cisco say as he sits next to me with the device he and Julian have been talking about ever since the Wests and Barry left for the police department. I strip my eyes from the feeble darkness my apron provided and lay eyes on the device that must be high technology for them but seems so outdated from my perspective.

"A pair of glasses and a small computer, that's your plan?" I question and he looks at me in fake outrage.

"This could get our asses saved from a very dangerous arsonist," he clarifies, cleaning the glasses with a soft cloth and then he telling me to try them on as he goes on about how they're built and how they work, "twenty-one century technology, baby," he chimes and I can't help but chuckle.

"You're getting so far, buddy."

"Don't make fun of our technology, speedster, we'll catch up sooner or later," he says in that unique way to speak of his while putting away the glasses in their case.

"Oh, that reminds me," I trail off as I dash all the way to the workshop and return with a small box in my hands. The gust of wind my fast movements provoke sends the brown eyed boy's hair flying in all directions and he growls softly as he wipes it away.

"You had to do that; girl, these locks ain't easy to tame," I roll my eyes and scoot closer to him, his eyes falling on the box, "I bet that's not a powerful hair conditioner."

"Nope. But-" I emphasize and open the box to reveal a device of regular use in my century, "this tiny little cube contains the shrinking technology applied to my bangle, in this, you'll find the information, the algorithms, everything you need to put that suit into a ring," I point at the Flash's suit across the room, handing the cube to the appalled guy next to me.

"A ring?"

"It can be anything, really," I shrug, "I just thought a ring would be better for our amnesiac Flash," he chuckles.

"You know, we actually have a cool ring we could use," there's a smirk on his face.

"Cool then," he studies the cube, "Bart kept all the info after he figured it out and saved it in the cube, it is similar to that thingy future Barry gave us with Tracy's info. If someone is going to decipher all of it, that's you Cisco. I want you to have it."

"Are you serious?" I hum an answer and he gawks at me, "Why am I getting this bad feeling that tells me this is not just a regular gift to your friends?"

"Maybe because it's a goodbye gift?" I tell him and see his face grow grim, "I'm leaving. After we defeat Savitar, I am. That's how things are. I already told Iris and Barry-he might have a bit of trouble remembering that, though," a sad laugh leaves my throat, "I want you guys to have something you remember me by."

"Can't you stay, really?" He asks with his huge brown eyes staring with blank amazement at me. I dig my teeth into my lower lip as I shake my head.

"I want to, I really do," I admit, feeling my lip twitching slightly, cracking my strong façade by just a second, "but, I can't. The Speed Force will take me anyway. Maybe I'll have some time to say goodbye and then you'll see me turn into pure energy and then vanish, I can't stay even if I want," a frown sets on his face; I feel guilty for not telling this part to Barry and Iris, but I didn't because I couldn't stand the sadness on their faces. I don't know how I've lasted so long without shedding a tear now that I've told Cisco, but I'm proud of remaining strong before him, "You guys have given me so much in such a short time that it feels as if I've been here for years, you gave me your trust and your friendship and that I'll never forget," I tell him with a sad smile that he reciprocates, my hands set on top of his, the cube cradled in his, "I know you will figure out."

"What if I don't? I mean, I don't think I can match Bart's-"

"Of course you will," I place my hand on his shoulder, "I am leaving this cube in the best hands, yours. I'm sure you'll do it, sooner or later, and that's enough," my voice betrays me and breaks at the very end. He nods and looks down at the cube, tracing the lines that's cross and entwine with one another, their blue hue illuminating his fingertips. He tells me he'll do his best and that certainly makes me happy. I want these people to have one of the things I cherish and mean to me the most, for they're the only people I could do this with, only them I trust enough for this.

Silence drizzles around us. Now that I know that more people wants me near and for longer, the idea of having to leave turns even more bitter. It's useless to think about a future in which I stay and become a real member of this team. I can only cling to hope and wait for being granted more time to say goodbye to each person in this team, have that awful tea with sweet Iris, I told her we would and I always keep my word; more time to tell Julian that his accent is so cool, because I haven't gotten the chance to do so; tell Joe what a great job he's done with his children and that I hope he and Cecile are happy together; telling Wally to keep running would be the best, too.

I want more time to go and find Killer Frost and tell her that no matter what, Caitlin will take over again. I need more time to thank Barry for everything, for his friendship, the peep talks and for making me realize that I don't have to be strong all the time. But for now, I have to be.

⚪⚪⚪

I caress the vial in my hand, the steel gray serum inside it waiting to be used, waiting to be put into action. I feel bad for bringing this with me after Barry told me not to do it; I know that the VX3 can be dangerous, lethal even, but to me, it is our only way to save Iris. I don't care what Barry says and I'm going to use it if I have to.

I put the serum inside the small case with the other five vials I brought and stare at them. Future Barry's words have been banging in my head the entire day, his voice telling me that I am one step ahead of Savitar echoes within me and I'm afraid I just figured a way to take advantage of that. Savitar indeed thinks I'm the same woman that lined up with him in the timeline he played around with, I could pretend to be her but it goes far deeper than that. That means I have to break the trust I was given, betray the people I love in order to keep them safe. I have to break their hearts and that certainly has started to break mine.

My hands close the case and quickly shove it under the mattress when I sense Barry walking down the corridor. I pretend to be examining my nails out of boredom in the small bedroom. A few seconds later, the Speed Force emanating from him screams he's at my door, but I continue to face down at my hands, not having the courage to look at him after knowing that at some point I will have to betray him to keep him safe.

"So, no 'you know I can feel you standing there' today?" He says with a small chuckle and I order myself to look up at him and I see him leaning against the doorframe with that killer smile of his. Maybe I can't conceal the emotions playing on my face-which happens a lot with him around-because that smile flattens into a thin line, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I was just thinking," he walks into the room, "look at you, with memories and all, thank goodness," he chuckles.

"Was the other me too much to handle?" He lifts an eyebrow and flashbacks of the bathroom incident come to my head, putting a small smile on my lips as well as a faint crimson hue on my cheeks when I remember the moment I told him something I shouldn't have and I wonder if he remembers that particular moment.

"Kind of? I liked that guy, though; he was funny," Barry's eyes grow wide and his lips part.

"Translation is that you don't like me and I'm not fun, wow," I shake my head and roll my eyes at him, he sits next to me, "come on, you know I'm just kidding."

"We can always tell Cisco to screw your brain up again," I shrug, now he does look surprised, "you know I'm just kidding," I repeat his words quietly and he holds his gaze on me when he finishes laughing. His green eyes slicing through my soul once again; there's the fluttering in my chest again when he smiles and I hate myself for liking that sensation.

"Are you sure you're okay? You're not helping Joe in the kitchen and we know you're always in there when he's cooking," he says, seeing Joe doing his magic in the kitchen amazes me and yes, normally I'd be there, "and your accent is showing."

"Pardon me?"

"You're doing that thing you do with your accent every time you're upset, uhm, your accent kind of shows when that happens," I press my lips together.

"Nothing's wrong, I'm fine, I swear," I say hoping for him to stop asking questions, "I'm just tired, couldn't sleep last night, that's all," he seems to believe me now and that's all I need.

"That's a lot of books," he says, nodding his head at the books on the bed and grabbing one of them, "I didn't know you were into physics."

"I'm not, but I'm trying to learn as much as I can about pretty much everything and anything; history, technology, science, other languages, psychology," I tell him, showing him the rest of books on the stand, "your earth is very interesting, Barry Allen."

"I guess it is; have you read all of these?" I nod, that's all I've been doing these days when sleep forgets to visit me at night, "You're a bookworm, Vee," he trails off when he spots one particular book, he takes it in his hands and stares at the cover with a somewhat sad smile, "I hadn't seen this in a while," he mumbles, "I thought-I left it at my mother's gravestone before . . ." he fades.

"Flashpoint?" He nods, "It was in one of the attic's boxes along with those other books," I point at the books on the dresser, which are colorful and rather brief to be books, "I guess you changed that too," I move closer to him to look at the white cover, The Runaway Dinosaur, while Barry stays quiet, thinking something to himself, "we didn't have books like this one on my earth."

"You didn't have books for kids?" he notices the confusion working on my face as I shake my head, "A book for kids is pretty much it, a book with stories kids can understand easily and leave a message at the end. My mother used to read this to me when I was a kid, she read it to me almost every night before bed, I never got tired of it," he tells me, his voice soft.

"Books for kids," I mumble, tasting the combination of those words for the first time and they leave a foreign taste on my mouth, "parents read these to their children, why?"

"I guess it's a way to show them they are loved and to share and create an especial moment that will stay with them forever," he hands it to me and I run my fingers on the images as I read the title again, "parents didn't do that on your earth?"

"No. Nobody's parents," I say, "reading before going to bed wasn't a thing there, and while growing up at the Prime we were treated like soldiers, lights were out at eight. I never had one of these."

This book surely didn't even exist on my earth and if it did, it must have been burnt down along with the rest of inappropriate books after the execution of those who wrote them so that children grew up in a grim world. I open the tiny book and start reading whilst trying to picture my parents reading this to me before going to bed to understand what Barry has just explained to me. It takes me a moment to put the foreign scenery together and grasp the concept of it and when I do, I regret doing so. The story only reminds me of how they were taken away from me. I think about them constantly, but I never give much thought to how much I miss them. I have to blink back the tears that have gathered in my eyes when I finish reading the short story and pretend Barry doesn't notice.

"You can keep it if you want," my head snaps up at Barry, his voice breaking me from my oneirism; tears still in my eyes, which he's too kind not to mention.

"I can't. It's yours," I reason, "your mother read this to you as a child; it's especial for you," I hold the book out, waiting for him to take it, "I can't take it."

"Something tells me you need it more than I do now," I shake my head, taking his hand and depositing the small book in it.

"I appreciate it," I tell him with a watery smile. How am I going to pretend betraying him? I think, for it's going to look and feel real to him and the others, I don't want to hurt them, I really don't want to. I hold the book in front to him, "But I can't, sorry," his smile faltering a little, "just make sure that, in the future, someone reads this to your children, that's how it should be," I manage a smile, "that would make me very happy."

I see the small smile tugging at his lips, finally giving up. It's in this moment that I realize how screwed I am for caring and become attached, I shouldn't have, I should have been stronger and should have encased my emotions, I wandered from thinking strategically but I'll do it from now on. For this to work I need two things: become distant and push my emotions away as best as I can. We hear Joe's voice coming from downstairs, telling us that dinner's ready and Barry gets on his feet, waiting for me to do the same and follow him downstairs but I tell him I'll join them in a couple of minutes, he doesn't protest. Just when he's gone, I hurry to grab my phone and call Cisco. I have to do this before I regret.

"Hey, Vibe," I say, pinching the bridge of my nose, "I need you to help me with something."

"Anything for the super soldier. What is it?"

"Betraying Team Flash."

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

oh my, the suspense.

thank you for the 10k reads!