❛ chapter seven! ❜

seven | hurts like hell—fleurie

       Today's a bad day. I don't really know how I gathered the will to get out of Caitlin's house or the labs in the first place. This is one of those times of the year that I dread the most when I visit new earths: Christmas. It always brings back memories that instead of putting a smile upon my face, bring tears to my eyes and this time it's going to be worse, I can feel it. I had to run out of the Cortex when I saw how beautifully decorated it was and seeing the team giving the final touches to the Christmas tree disheartened me, for it reminded me of the last Christmas on my earth.

       Roman, Ward, Tanner, Eliza, August, Jai and Barry; we spent two days decorating our headquarters and we and the city were lucky not to have some crazy metahuman that day. We spent an entire afternoon cooking, baking and fooling around at Roman and Ward's place; back at home with Barry we sat in front of a fire and watched the snow fall until the sun came up, curled up in the sofa next to the window. It was magical. And it pains me that I'll never experience another magical moment like that.

       I sit on a park bench in front of a lake with my knees pulled close to my chest. It kind of reminds me of my little spot in the Speed Force, not quite because it's far from quiet here, I have H.R. shouting encouraging words and instructions to Wally as he holds a stopwatch in his hand. I idly look up to the yellow lighting that runs on the tranquil waters of the lake, but I'm feeling so down to even bother to keep looking.

       "Run, Wallace, run!" H.R.'s voice drills into my ears, "You got to torque to the left!" He continues. In another universe, in another time, in a very similar situation, I would be the one training and my Barry the one shouting: "Run, Vee, run!"

       "How'd I do?" I hear Wally ask when he skids to a halt behind me.

       "How'd you do?" H.R. says, while my eyes have filled with tears again and I try to wipe them away without them noticing, "oh, I don't know, why don't you see for yourself."

       "Hold up, are you saying I'm faster than Barry?"

       "I'm saying that at this point in his training, you're faster than Barry," they go on a little sing/dance celebration behind me. We started training Wally a little after the Dominators left and the kid has progressed quite fast. However, we keep this between the three of us, nobody else knows. I agreed to help training him, since that's what I used to do back on my earth, there were many speedsters in my city and they needed help to control their abilities. I feel my heartbeat picking up when I come to the conclusion that I cannot stop my tears from falling, I don't want anyone to know my past, I don't want anyone to see me like this, they'll think I'm weak if they do. This is the side of me nobody has to see, the side I can only be when I'm alone. I sit up straight and take a deep breath, wiping the tears that pool my eyes once again and do my best to stop them for a moment.

       "I'm sorry," I blurt out as I pull myself on my feet and interrupt Wally's speech, "I have to go, I forgot Cisco will sync my suit's telemetry to his gadgets and stuff," which is true, but I don't feel like talking to anyone really; I see the questions forming in their eyes, I pat Wally on the shoulder and give him a smile to let him know that I'm happy for him and his progress before walking away truly hoping they didn't notice my voice faltering.

       I focus on pulling myself together as I walk slowly out of the park, head down, letting my hair cover my face to hide it from the people I find on my way. It takes me about an hour to get to S.T.A.R. Labs, I don't even want to run right now, I just have the urge to curl into a ball until Christmas is over. When I walk into the Cortex it's empty, only filled by Little Drummer Boy, playing softly in the background. I conclude Cisco and Caitlin must be out for lunch, they mentioned they'd get some hamburgers from a place called Big Belly Burger. I wonder if Iris is around, then I remember she mentioned going Christmas shopping. Wally and H.R. must be still training, I don't have a clue of where Barry can be and I don't think I can stand seeing his face right now. I sigh, feeling the black bile cursing throughout my body as I stand in the middle of the empty Cortex.

       Alone, again.

       I have the whole place for me, I could go finally take a lap in the speed lab, explore the other side of the building and whatnot; tempting, but I decide to lie down on the floor instead, not caring that this will make myself feel even more miserable—like when you're sad and listen to sad music. My hands clasp together over my stomach and my eyes stare at the ceiling, bright white lights that could reenact daylight in the middle of the night burn into my eyes, so I decide to close them. I find the cold-ish surface against my back rather relaxing, which I didn't expect.

       "You have to hold on for a few months only, it'll be over soon; then, forget about it, forget you ever came here," I tell to myself. However, those words feel empty, who knows what future holds. I could be stuck here for more than just a few months. In the next hour, I start thinking about Alchemy and his mythical stone, also about that thing we saw at the waterfront a while ago. I have heard myths about Savitar the 'first' speedster there was, but never really paid attention to said myths. This could be just a copycat, who knows. I could feel the Speed Force coming from that thing and I have to say that I had never felt something like that, it was like putting three dozens of speedsters together.

       An odd sensation spreads within my chest when I remember the vision I had when Barry, Cisco and I went to Kara's earth—the memory itself makes me antsy. Maybe it was the Speed Force who provoked it, or it was just my mind playing tricks on me, I don't really know what to believe. However, if it was the Speed Force, there must be a hidden message somewhere, I just have to figure it out. I do hope it's just my mind playing tricks on me, because no way that I want to fight Killer Frost, under all that cold exterior is Caitlin and I don't want to do anything that could hurt her. There is something that keeps me up at night sometimes, though: the feeling of realness and how strangely I felt as if I had been there before, how those words left a familiar taste on my tongue; it gets weirder, for I have never been to this earth, this is my first time and besides what I saw in that vision happened in the future.

       "Violett!" Caitlin cries out and I sit up straight immediately, meeting two very alarmed faces, hers and Cisco's. I can see her eyes already searching for injuries or whatever that justifies the reason I'm sprawled on the floor. The two, rush towards me, literally tossing the takeout bags on the main desk, "What are you doing on the floor? Are you alright?"

       "I'm okay!" I say quickly as I get on my feet and hold my hands up in surrender, "I was just thinking and I zoned out, I'm fine, I swear."

       "Jeez, you know how to scare people," says Cisco, taking a deep and a relieved breath.

       "It's not your fault, Violett," says Caitlin, pacing behind the desk and hovering on the takeout bags, "we've had similar scenarios before, glad this time it was only a misunderstanding and not an actual emergency," I return the smile she's given me.

       "Alright, alright," Cisco says as he scoots an extra chair, "come here child, you're about to become addicted to this blessing from the heavens," he says as Caitlin places a takeout bag and a cup with some sort of beverage in front of me; I walk closer, "I can't believe there's no Big Belly Burger on your earth, what earth did you say you come from?"

       "Well, I don't really know," I let out a tiny chuckle as I scoot the chair myself, "I knew there were millions of earths out there, but always thought mine was Earth-1."

       He then tells me we should visit it one day as he stuffs a bunch of fries into his mouth and mentions his trip to Earth-2 last year. I have to force a smile. If he thinks we're going to have a picnic, have a karaoke night, or that my earth will look alive, he'll be very disappointed. I don't touch the takeout bag and Caitlin is the first to notice.

       "Aren't you going to eat?" Caitlin's voice makes me flick my eyes up, "You barely ate dinner last night."

       "And breakfast this morning," says Cisco, taking a big bite from his hamburger, "you have to eat something, we know you speedsters have blood sugar issues," he adds. I admit I'm already feeling lightheaded, there's a few dots clouding my vision, fluttering over Caitlin's face as she takes a bite from her hamburger. Damn, they're observant.

       "Are you kidding? I'm starving!" I say, even though I'm not feeling like eating at all, I quickly pull out the contents from the bag while thinking that passing out isn't a nice experience, smoothly changing the subject by asking if we're still up for the suit telemetry thingy to which Cisco blurts a loud yes and makes clear he wouldn't miss the opportunity to see what's built inside my suit.

⚪⚪⚪

       I meet Jay Garrick later that day and I learn he's from Earth-3 and also a speedster. He's very nice and even tells me stories about the Speed Force, even how Savitar is part of the myths and legends that surround it. I'm almost ashamed that I don't know much about it. We're all gathered in the Cortex, trying to figure out where Alchemy and his fancy shiny stone are when Barry whooshes his way in.

       "Julian lied about the Philosopher's Stone," he blurts out, a little out of breath, "I think he found it back on that archeological dig."

       "You think he's working with Doctor Alchemy?" Cisco asks and Jay and I look attentively at them. I remember Barry saying this Julian guy is his coworker or something. Joe West is trying to reach him yet the guy doesn't answer Joe's calls.

       "Hey, everyone," H.R. says cheerfully as he and Wally walk into the Cortex, "Gang's all here, what's going on?"

       "I think that Julian is connected to Doctor Alchemy," Barry tells him and I nod in acknowledgment.

       "It could be," I shrug, "he's not the nicest guy either so. . ." I shrug, on cue, the computer in front of us starts beeping.

       "We got a hit. There's energy coming from the top of the Schults building," we listen carefully to Cisco as we lean over to see the screen, "that's the stone."

       "We'd better be leaving now," I say, meeting Cisco's eyes and he nods. It's decided the three of us—Barry, Jay and I—are coming, but we're not the only ones that are willing to do it. Wally wants to join us, however, he gets a negative response from both his dad and Barry; to justify himself he turns to H.R. and me hoping we're going to tell everyone about how fast he's becoming thanks to the clandestine trainings. Now we're in trouble. Eventually, we leave and it's decided that this conversation and the explanations will be put off.

       I can see how the top of the Schults building glows with the energy that comes from Alchemy's stone and when we arrive we listen to the great final of the cloak guy's speech: restoring the powers of all the metas from Flashpoint so that they can become the servants of Savitar.

       "That is so original," I cross my arms over my chest.

       "It's over, Alchemy!" Flash shouts and the other lackeys leave, however the guy with the stone stays. We hear lightning cracking behind us and we turn around to face none other than the god of speed, "Please tell me you're seeing him," Flash asks to us and we hear the creature roar. Unless we're having the same hallucination, yeah, I can see him, I think, "We have to take him together, the three of us."

       "No, we split up," I gush out.

       "I'll cover Savitar, you just get that stone!" Says Jay and before we can even react Savitar has taken him away.

       "I can take Alchemy alone, find Jay, track him," Barry commands and I nod before speeding away. I grit my teeth as I blindly make my way through the city. He's moving way too fast. I come to a quick halt in the middle of an empty alley, Jay's definitely been here and he's close, I can feel it. I run through a number of alleys and I finally spot Savitar, my face contorts into a wince when I see he's just thrown Jay against a wall and a blade unsheathes from his hand. I manage to speed-punch him just in time, triggering another roar from him.

       "Hi, big boy," I say with a flirty smirk on my lips as I place my hands over my hips.

       "Violett Hale," he says and I feel the chill running down my spine, how the hell does this thing know my name? In a blink, he has me pinned against the wall, "How dare you to fight me?"

       "Wow, you look particularly huge today," I say and he grabs my throat, making me let out a choking sound, "It's been a while since we last spoke. I see you've missed me," I manage, staring into the creature's eyes, waiting for him to toss me against a wall too, he doesn't though, he wants to see me fighting and wriggling to get some oxygen into my lungs.

       "Why are you helping them? You're too much for them, aren't you aware of how powerful you are?" He barks, "You cannot betray your god. I will ask one more time," the blade materializes in his hand again, I will never know if he was going to stab me or if he just did it to scare me, because all of a sudden he vanishes into thin air, his words melting into the silence. I hit the ground landing on my ass while coughing loudly as air makes its way into my lungs again. I rush to get on my feet and check on Jay, who's still laying on the ground holding his side.

       "He got you good, kid," he says and I give him a smile, my breathing still laboured as I kneel beside him, "He could have killed you."

       "If I hadn't taken the risk, you'd be pretty dead by now," I tell him and he smiles before taking my hand, "let's get out of here."

⚪⚪⚪

       Turns out that Julian Albert is the guy in the cloak and said revelation has caused surprise spark wildly in the team, everyone is more than shocked by it, mostly Barry—who interrogated his workmate earlier today. I would have wanted to be there, however, our clandestine training group was convoked downstairs for a not so friendly gathering. I could've been more helpful at the pipeline, listening to what Albert had to say, but I had to listen to Joe yelling at us instead.

       I really don't get it. The kid wants to help, I understand that all of them worry about his wellbeing, but he's not a normal kid anymore, they have to accept his new nature and the only way out of this is teaching him how to use his powers, he has to be prepared for anything that could happen so that he'll be able to protect himself, I told them so.

       Later on, after Savitar popped up inside the workshop, Cisco and Caitlin came up with a way to communicate with the self proclaimed god. As of right now, the whole team has gathered in the speed lab and Julian Albert is our lab rat today, since he's the only link we have to Savitar. Basically, Cisco and Caitlin will synch Julian's brain to Alchemy's stone in hopes we'll get to speak directly to Savitar also hoping to find out what is it that he wants.

       "This does sound like an spiritism session, like those from the movies," I gush out to Wally, my eyes wide, no wonder why Julian looks so scared when Cisco puts the brain device on his head. Cisco instructs Julian to take deep breaths and count backwards from ten and he doesn't even get to say ten when he's already out. Cisco snaps his fingers on Julian's face to make sure he's out and he is, totally.

       Iris, as well as the rest of us, wants to know how long is it going to take for it to work and Caitlin is in the middle of an explanation when Julian's scream interrupts her—which takes us all by surprise and which is quickly followed by me cursing out loud, making Wally chuckle and I hit his arm playfully.

       "What's up with his loaded god complex?" I say under my breath as Savitar mentions how we should be on our knees or bowing at him. I try to forget how creepy all this is, but Savitar's eyes lock into mine and his lips curl into a smile, making my attempt fail completely. He tells us he knows our fears and weaknesses. He makes very clear that he knows us better than we know ourselves and how he knows our destinies. He knows our future, either he can see the future using a crystal ball or he's simply travelled back in time, but why?

       "One shall betray you. One shall fall. One will suffer a fate far worse than death. This is the knowledge I have for you. About your everlasting damnation," Savitar adds, Barry being the only one willing to break the silence by asking who is he and what does he want, however we don't get an answer that makes sense. Apparently future Barry trapped him in eternity. I admit my heart leaps in my chest when Savitar stares and points at me, I don't let him know I'm scared—not of him but by the fact that I'm listening to Julian speak like a monster, "The Guardian; you're a goddess among these people, imagine what can we do together. You're more powerful than you think."

       "I know," I hold my eyes on him, "that's why we're going to defeat you," he laughs.

       "Still trying to earn their trust, aren't we? You won't if you keep secrets from them, don't you think?" He tells me with a playful yet demonic smile, "Secrets can't be kept forever and they have a knack for knowing people's deepest and darkest secrets," I clench my jaw and my eyes never leave his as he says the words; I feel how all eyes are on me. I have to assume that he's talking about my past, it's the only thing I've kept to myself. He continues to dribble about his godlikeness, positive that his freedom is at hand and that we'll feel his wrath, the wrath of Savitar, or at least that's what he says, grinning at me before Barry can yank the back of the brain device from Julian.

       The poor man gasps and looks lost for a moment, asking if it worked, if we got to speak with Savitar, but everyone's too busy to pay attention to him, for they're looking at me. A minute ago there was a part of me that hoped they'd just shrug it off, I was wrong. I don't blame them, Savitar knew how to plant the seed of curiosity in them.

       "What did he mean by that, Violett?" Barry asks hastily, his frown deepening, "What was he talking about?" He coaxes, all eyes on me. How am I going tell them this without breaking? They might think I'm some psycho that's waiting for the right moment to stab them in the back and my silence is noticeably feeding that thought, when I'm just struggling to find a way to start and remain as emotionless as I can, trying to be the cold woman I once was so that they don't know that underneath this brave face there's just a little girl that lost it all, a scared little girl pretending to be brave to survive, that's what I am.

       "I should be dead," I start, "I should have died four years ago. . ."

       And I tell them everything.

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

well that just happend. ooh they were having fun! now barry's gonna flip out, they're gonna flip out, everyone's gonna flip out. thanks savitar 😑 brace yourselves for all kinds of feels, from here is where i try to tug at your heartstrings slowly and painfully.

i know, two updates in a row you could say, sorry for bOtheRiNg you.

update: i had to publish this again bc wattpad unpublished it? idek.

thanks for the support on this little story of mine, ilysm 💕