Day Five Hundred and Eighteen

The comfort that the map room usually gave her was gone, instead replaced with a feeling of failure so tangible Ada almost choked on it.

The wooden walls felt constricting; the lack of windows and sunlight usually offered a sense of privacy that she coveted. Now, she wanted more than anything to tear a hole through the branches just to breathe in some fresh air. The maps on the wall mocked her.

"What do you mean there's nothing left to map?" Alby asked, his face oddly pale. He stood on the other side of the table from her and Minho, leaning heavily against the wood as if it were the only thing keeping him upright.

"Exactly that." Minho swiped a hand down his face. He looked worse than she had ever seen him, all bravado and arrogance drained out of him, as if someone had sapped the life force from his body. "There's no more sections. There's eight in total. We finished mapping section eight yesterday, and there's no more." His voice was strangely empty.

"Alright, we should... we should get Newt in here, he can help us plan the next-"

"No." Ada spoke up for the first time since their arrival back in the maze. "No, we can't bring him into this."

"Ada-"

"I don't want him to know." She said stubbornly. If Newt found out, if he knew that there really was no way out of there, then he'd slip back into the depression that they were working so hard to keep him out of. Every smile, every teasing quip, every joke he made was a miracle she refused to lose. Not again.

"He'll find out at some point, Ada." Minho said placatingly. "They all will. What happens when another year passes, another two years, and we've made no progress? You don't think they'll figure out that there actually is no way out of here?"

"We don't know that there isn't." Alby snapped. "We must have missed something, missed a section or a corridor or something."

"You know we didn't, Alby." Ada said, shaking her head. "We were careful."

"So what?" He asked, straightening up. "That's it? We're here forever now, trapped, no way out?"

"We always were trapped." Minho said quietly. "Now it's just official."

"They can't know about this." Ada shook her head. "If the other gladers find out there's no way out..." Images of panic and bloodshed rose to the surface of her mind before she could stop them. "We can't do that to them."

"But keeping this from them?" Alby asked. "I don't know, Ada. It seems wrong."

He was right, of course. She and Alby may be the ones in charge of the glade, but their whole society ran on votes and shared opinions. Everything was public knowledge between them except for the maps of the maze, a rule implemented to discourage people from going in, and what had happened to Newt. Those were the only secrets kept between them, and adding another one of this magnitude would cause distrust on a mass scale if it got out that they were lying to them about there being a way out.

But hope was what the Glade ran on – it thrived on the promise of a better tomorrow, of a future outside its walls waiting for them with open arms. She knew deep in her bones that if they took that hope away, the home they had built here would collapse within a day.

"It's my call." She said firmly. "If this gets out then put the blame on me. But I don't want anyone to find out about this, it stays between us, okay?"

Alby and Minho shared a heavy glance, their hesitation weighing on her like a thousand bricks. Finally, they nodded.

"Alright." Alby said. "It stays between us. But I want you and Minho out there again, do the entire thing a second time, look for anything you missed, any corridor or hallway that you haven't explored. There has to be something, and if there isn't..." He trailed off.

"If there isn't, we'll deal with it then." Minho uncrossed his arms and pulled away from the wall.

Although it was her decision, and she knew logically it was the right one, the thought of keeping this from Newt had her insides twisting. Especially when she knew how excited he was to still be involved in the runner's process. She knew mapping the maze helped him feel productive, made him feel helpful when the rest of the time he felt helpless. Taking that away from him just seemed wrong.

But then the image rose of him sprawled out on the maze floor, barely breathing, leg tangled in the ivy and bent in a way that still made her nauseous.

He would hate her if he found out, she knew. But him hating her was better than her burying him, so she would live with it.

Ada nodded. "We'll deal with it then."

—

Unlike the day before, the Council Hall was lit up by rays of sunlight that chased away the shadows that seemed to follow her, the torches around the edges unnecessary, no matter how fleeting the light may be.

Newt was already waiting for her in the middle, slender fingers tapping an anxious beat against his side. He smiled when he saw her, though it quickly dimmed at whatever expression must have been on her face. "What is it?" He asked quickly, limping as he rushed over to her. "What happened? You alright?"

Get it together, you idiot, she scolded herself, but she knew the lines of worry around her eyes wouldn't go away any time soon.

"I'm fine." She said eventually. "Just tired, that's all."

Newt raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "Since when do you lie to me?"

"I'm not lying." She said, far too quickly to be believable. She glanced over at the ground where they sat the previous night, making her way over to it to avoid looking at him, for surely if he looked at her that way any longer she would tell him everything. "Now come on, professor, show me what you got. Dinner is in half an hour and I am dying for some bacon."

Newt hesitated slightly before following, sinking down opposite her. That little crinkle was back between his eyebrows again, his blonde hair ruffled and streaked with soil. He had been working on the farm earlier, she realised. The hopeful but cautious way he was staring at her had guilt rising up in her so fast it made her head spin.

"Seriously, Ada," his hand moved forwards, fingers twining with hers where they were exposed from the gloves. He had seemed thrilled when she had tugged them on that morning before heading into the maze, eyes bright and a tiny smile on his face that was nowhere to be seen now. "If something's wrong, if something's happened, you can tell me."

She wanted to. She wanted to so badly – this was the boy who listened to her talk about her day like it was the best part of his, who always offered tender advice or silent company if she needed it. Telling him when something was wrong was so second nature to her that for a moment she questioned why she was bothering trying to hide it from him in the first place.

She knew he would find out, knew that when he did he would be hurt, wounded beyond belief that she made the decision to keep this from him. He would suspect something was wrong likely as soon as tomorrow when Alby would steer him away from the map room, giving him other mindless tasks to keep him occupied.

Ada looked away, down at their hands. "I'm fine." She said. "Honest."

She could see that he didn't believe her, but she also knew him well enough by now to know that he wouldn't push. "Okay," he said eventually, smiling at her softly. "I won't push. But, Ada, I am here if you want to talk, okay? Always."

There's that guilt again.

Ada looked down at their fingers, thrilled at how settled her stomach seemed. That small contact, hindered slightly by her gloves, was a step she was able to take with no issue, it seemed.

"I'm scared." She said quietly, but Newt heard her and squeezed her fingers.

"Don't be. It's just me."

"No, I..." She trailed off, not sure how to put it into words. Visions swam before her eyes, flashes of images she couldn't quite get rid of. "When I touch someone, or someone touches me, it reminds me of something. Something I saw once. Or at least I think I saw it once. Either it's a memory or a cruel nightmare that won't leave me be. Or maybe it's both."

"What is it?" He asked.

Milky white eyes, gaping mouth riddled with sores, thick ropey veins.

Her voice was shaking. "It's... I don't know how to explain it."

Mottled flesh pressed into hers from all sides, rotted and stinking, trapping her.

"Try." Newt encouraged. He reached up and blotted a tear away with his sleeve. Ada hadn't even realised she'd started crying.

"I'm lying down," she said after a shaky breath, "and I can't move. I'm in something wooden. It's got an open top but I can't stand up, but I can see the sky. No stars, just blackness."

"Go on." Newt squeezed her fingers.

"There are people around me, lying next to me. They're dead, that much is obvious, but there's something... wrong with them. The one next to me, he's familiar, so familiar, like I knew him, like he meant something to me. But I don't know what. He's looking at me and his eyes are white and they're not blinking, and his entire body is covered in sores and thick veins, black veins, and his skin is all bloated and rotten and-"

She let out a heaving gag, turning her face to the side, and Newt leant forwards, lifting his free hand to settle it against her leg. "It's okay," he said softly, "it's okay, you're alright. You don't have to continue."

But she wanted to. Wanted someone else to know about what had been haunting her for nearly a year and a half, wanted him to know. "They're all pressed up against me, like we were thrown into the same space without a care in the world, and I can feel them touching me and their weight pinning me down and I can't move. And I know it's not real, that it's just a dream, or a distant memory, but every time someone so much as brushes against me all I can hear is myself screaming to get out, and I'm back there."

Newt's throat bobbed, his jaw clenched tight enough it was a miracle he didn't crack it. "But you're not, Ada. Okay? You're not. You're here, with me. In the glade, with your friends. And they won't hurt you, alright? I won't hurt you. You're safe." She shot him a disbelieving look, tears still in her eyes, and Newt let out a huff of laughter. "As safe as you can be in the middle of a deadly maze filled with monsters."

"Yeah."

"And guess what?"

"What?"

Newt lifted his hands, bringing hers with him as he did. "You told me all of that whilst touching me."

Ada was shocked to see he was right. The sight of their hands shocked her, the touch of his skin so natural she had simply stopped noticing it.

"Your fears don't control you, Ada." Newt smiled gently at her. "You control them. You will beat this, I have every faith in you. Together, remember?"

Ada nodded shakily. "Together."

"Okay, Ready?" Newt asked, offering her a comforting smile as he slowly raised her hand and began to peel the glove away from her skin, so slowly she barely felt it, giving her time to get used to the vulnerability of being without it. When her palm slipped free, he used his free hand to place the glove carefully on the floor, never letting go of her.

"We got a new set of seeds today. Strawberries and raspberries. Should be ready in a few months." He said, keeping his eyes locked on hers.

Ada wondered for a fleeting moment why he was telling her this, but then something warm enveloped her entire hand, and she glanced down to see both of Newt's hands covering one of her own. She stiffened, a protest on her tongue, but then Newt was speaking again.

"You should have seen Avin's face when we told him," he said. She could feel his fingers brushing against her skin, along her fingers and across the back of her hand, circling forwards to skim against her wrist. "Never seen a strawberry before but he acted as if he was just handed a giant plate full of bacon. Never seen the kid so happy."

Her heart warmed at the image, but it was overshadowed by panic when Newt reached down and pulled her other hand up as well. Ada flinched. "Newt-"

"Trust me?" He asked, his voice so soft it was almost a whisper.

She nodded without thinking.

"I was thinking about heading to the map room after dinner, getting started on what you mapped out today. Wanna join?"

"No." She said quickly, panic rising hard and faster, worsening when hurt flashed in Newt's eyes. "No, I – I mean, uh – I want to go for a walk. Around the glade. Do you, uh, want to join me?"

Newt raised an eyebrow and glanced down at his leg.

"Oh, right." She cursed herself for her lack of tact.

"I'll do my best, but I make no promises." Newt's smile was slightly strained, but there nonetheless.

Ada glanced down, noticing for the first time that her hands were trembling in his. He was cupping them so gently the touch was featherlight, but he tightened his grip when she went to pull away. She looked up at him in alarm. "Newt-"

"Tell me to stop." His voice was slightly deeper than usual, his eyes burning into her so hard she felt the urge to squirm. "If you want me to, if you really don't want to do this, tell me to stop and I will."

She didn't say anything.

Newt's grip loosened slightly and twisted, until he twined their fingers together, the digits slotting together until their hands were linked in every way. Ada let out a shuddery breath, staring right at him, at the way he never looked down or away from her. He shuffled closer, so close their knees knocked together where they were sat, their hands linked between them.

"Ada," his breathing was clearly affected as he nodded his head down, "look down."

"I can't." She protested weakly.

"You can." He squeezed her hand, the pressure enough for her to tilt her head slightly, but she didn't quite have it in her to look away. "Look."

She finally lowered her eyes from his, a jolt in her stomach almost knocking the breath out of her at the sight of their tangled hands. Skin pressed against skin, firmly knotted together, no barriers between them. A strangled sob left her.

"You did it." Newt said. Maybe it was the pride in his voice, or the way he was looking at her, but the all consuming dread and panic rising in her fell away as swiftly as if he had severed the feeling with a knife. "You did it, Ada."

"I... I did it." She repeated.

The weight of his hand in hers didn't feel oppressive, not like it would have done when she first arrived in the maze, or even the week before. Instead it soothed her, the swipe of his thumb against her knuckles easing the weight from her shoulders.

"I'm holding your hand." A breathy laugh was tied to her words, disbelief written in every syllable. "Newt, I'm holding your hand."

"Yeah." He grinned. "You are."

A swift knock came from the door, and Gally's judgemental face appeared. "Dinner's ready." He said, eyes cutting across them inquisitively. "Get a move on shanks, Avin found the bacon." He left as quickly as he had appeared.

Newt looked back at her, an easy smile on his face. "After you."

Even after they left the council hall, Ada didn't let go of his hand.

—

Alby was staring at them a little too knowingly for someone who was just robbed blind of his bacon.

Avin was happily munching on it, the pile on his plate significantly larger than everyone else's. The conversation was easy, joyful even, and Ada found herself feeling lighter than she had in a while as she laughed with Nick over his story of Gally's mishaps with a hammer.

With her friends around her, and the rest of the gladers laughing and joking at the other tables, her stomach warm and full with food, she could almost forget about what had had her so on edge earlier in the morning. Could almost forget about the invisible secrets building walls between them, ones that she had the power to tear down but instead watched fearfully as they were set into stone.

A Griever shrieked from inside the maze, the wretched noise sending goosebumps crawling down her arms.

It didn't faze the other gladers – they barely even blinked. Just carried on eating, swapping stories and laughing as if they didn't have a care in the world.

Taking a bracing sip of water, Ada did her best to join them, and pushed the maze and its secrets from her mind.