Chapter 8: Taking Charge

"The moment you accept responsibility for everything in your life is the moment you gain the POWER to change anything in your life."
[By: Hal Elrod]

Dave

"Good morning Mr. Brewster I'm glad you decided to come in this morning. I know you were a little weary but the fact that you showed up is a good start" Mrs. Lockwood said with a warm welcoming smile that made Dave ease up some. He had finally bit the bullet and made an appointment with a therapist. Before he even dared to make the appointment he had searched high and low for someone he thought was suitable for him. First off she was black which was a must for him because he wanted someone relatable. Two her credentials checked out, her reviews were amazing, she had a 4.9 star rating, and she specialized in what he was there for which was a plus. She had even been high on the recommended list.

"Good morning and Dave is fine. Honestly I started not to but I have too much to lose if I don't" Dave said as he looked at Mrs. Lockwood. She was in her mid-forties but looked like she was very much in her early thirties. She was taller than most women maybe 5'9 if he had to guess. Her skin was smooth and rich like a fresh jar of peanut butter, she had deep rich brown eyes that looked like they could reach deep into someone's soul, and her hair was in long layered sister locs that were ombred from a deep dark natural brown that faded into a golden yellow with amber-brown tones that somehow matched perfectly with her skin tone. She was definitely pretty on the eyes. She was tall, more on the plus side, and pretty nonetheless. Dave's eyes roamed from her to around the room which also had a calmness to it. It had a sophisticated but modern look to it. There was nice hardwood floors that looked freshly polished, the walls were cream, with different tones of greys surrounding it. There was a huge window that over looked other buildings surrounding it and brought in the right amount of sunlight. A huge built in wall bookshelf filled with books, décor, little succulent plants, and just like the therapists offices on TV it had a grey tufted lounge chaise. It also had a standard chair to match just in case the chaise wasn't what you wanted. Everything about the room screamed welcoming and inviting.

"So you told me a little bit about why you're here today but I'll ask you again just to clarify and go in depth so I'll know how to help you along your journey" she said as she picked up a small notebook that looked like someone had spent a pretty penny on it. The leather covering alone looked expensive.

Dave rubbed his hands over his jeans and cleared his throat as he laid back into the chaise chasing comfort. He couldn't believe he was actually about to do this but here he was about to open up and let it out. He had surprised himself when he actually walked through the door and not walked right back out.

"Take a deep breath. Inhale and exhale you're in a no judgement free zone. You are free to express yourself however you see fit. What you say in this room in front of me and in these four walls stays here and only here" she assured him that it was a safe space sensing his hesitation.

Dave did as she said and took a deep breath letting the calmness of the lavender and eucalyptus candle do its job. "I have a big well huge baggage problem that I can't seem to let go of and it's fuckin up...my fault it's messing up my future and the life I built for myself. No matter how hard I try it sucks me back in and nothing good ever comes from it. I need to get rid of it so I can finally have my happy ending and get on with my life. I'm tired of the back and forth and being on the shit end of the stick. Every good thing I get always goes bad when the baggage gets involved. I'm tired of ruining my blessings" he answered.

Mrs. Lockwood nodded her head as she listened to him and jotted down a few notes. "And this baggage that you speak of is a person who seems to be following you or an incident that accord in your life" she questioned.

Dave nodded. "More like a dark cloud but definitely a person"

"Would you like to explain" she questioned wanting him to dig just a bit deeper.

"Years ago I fell in love with someone who was never supposed to be for me. She wasn't meant for me. I was just a part of some sick scheme to make life better for her and her husband who at the time was a man I thought was my friend. I didn't even know any of this or that she was even married until earlier this year. Everything I thought we had was a lie even down to our child. Granted she is mine. She never wanted kids but had one with me for stability and to live a lavish lifestyle. Eventually we went our separate ways because she never cared to be there for our daughter. The first time she left us was when she was only a few months old. She kept coming and going and I didn't want that for my daughter" he said then paused as he took some time to collect his thoughts.

He continued. "About a year and a half maybe two years ago now I met someone who I fell in love with and my baggage came running full speed ahead when she hadn't been checking for me up until then. As soon as she saw that I was in a relationship and it was getting pretty serious she started showing out and declaring her love for me. She was doing things I wished she would've done when we first broke up. During that time the woman I was dating was getting rid of her own baggage so when she saw what was going on she let me go so that I could figure things out with the family I already had. So I let her go without a fight and went back to my baby mama. We tried it for the hundredth time and it worked until it didn't work and when I finally thought that I was done with her I called it quits and ran back to the woman I fell in love with instead of taking time to heal myself but I love her and wanted to be with her" he paused again this time to take a deep breath.

"We got back together and built something amazing. Something that most people thought couldn't be done which was build a blended family that everyone involved got along with each other. By the time I made it back to her she was pregnant by someone else but that was just it they didn't have anything serious going on so we built a family around it. She helped raise my daughter that I had already come into the picture with from the start. We talked bout and planned our future, bought a house, I proposed, we moved to another state, got a new start, planned a wedding, and the baggage came back and everything we built collapsed from the ground up because I can't get over the shit" he said more mad at himself than anything. It seemed as if every time he said it out loud or thought about how everything went left it was a gut punch to the stomach."Our wedding would've been next month but we had to cancel it" Dave said opening up even more while Mrs. Lockwood jotted down more notes.

"Ok so what we're going to do is stop right there and dive back into that on a later date. We're just going to handle the basics for today and that's because I don't want to overwhelm you or have you shut down on your first session"

"Ok" Dave nodded happy about that. He felt like he would spill everything all in one sitting but it wasn't on purpose it was just pouring out on its own. Then at the same time he felt like a broken record telling her about Millie because it was the same shitty story with the same shitty character but at least this time around he would be getting help. So this time while he retold the story it wouldn't be falling on deaf ears.

"What do you expect from therapy" she asked as she placed her pen down and gave him her full attention even though he knew he had it already.

"Peace of mind. I want to be able to move on from my past and focus on my future. When my baggage is brought up I want to be able to excuse my language but I want to be able to not give a fuck bout her in ways that it doesn't upset or trigger me. I want to be able to pay it dust. I don't want to give it my time and energy. I want to be able to move like I know I'm worth more than what I've been given. I want to be a better me not just for my family but most of all myself. How can I be good for anybody if I'm not good enough for myself" Dave replied and rubbed the back of his neck nervous that he had even admitted that he sometimes thought of himself as not good enough. There were times where he thought that April could do better than him. It wasn't the money factor but he figured she could be with someone who didn't have the type of baggage he had or someone who had a different occupation and didn't spend too much time on the road instead of at home beside her. He knew she understood his lifestyle and supported it but he didn't know how long she could go on with someone like him.

"Understandable sometimes we go through so much bad that when we finally get a taste of everything right in the world we feel like we don't deserve it or know how to nurture it. Sometimes we'll even do whatever we can to unwillingly sabotage it. We feel like we aren't ready and worthy of what's been put in front of us and sometimes we end up taking it for granted instead of embracing it. We think that nothing good exists after dealing with too many bad experiences" Mrs. Lockwood said giving him a little food for thought.

Dave nodded fully agreeing with her because these were things he low key felt but kept to himself. He had found the whole package in April and felt like he wasn't enough at times even though he knew she loved him no matter what. But how he felt was one of those things where his head told him otherwise because he knew in his heart without a shadow of doubt that April thought the world of him. It didn't matter if he had one cent to his name or what his career was she loved him through and through. "That's how I feel at times" he admitted out loud.

"We'll get to a point where you no longer feel that way but it will take some time and some work on your end. Normally I would ask if you've been to therapy before and what was the experience like but you've already mentioned that this would be your first time. So I'm going to ask you something that you may feel a little bit uncomfortable with answering but I need to ask" she said in a more serious tone than she had been previously speaking.

Dave gulped afraid of what she was going to ask but he knew it had to be done because it was part of the process and right now he was willing to put in all of the work he needed to get the best outcome. "Ok"

"Are you having suicidal thoughts right now or have you had any suicidal thoughts within the past month" she questioned as she kept her eyes locked on him.

"Nope I never been suicidal. I may have said some shit in my music to allude to something like that because I've lost quite a few people but it was more musically than me actually wanting to commit suicide" he answered honestly.

Mrs. Lockwood nodded. He could tell she was trying to read him to see if he was bluffing but suicide was far from his mind. He had too much to live for. He had kids who needed him. He had family who needed him. He had a woman that needed him. He knew leaving this world and leaving all of who he loved behind would ultimately do them all in and for that suicide had never been an option for him.

"And when you say you lost a lot of people are we talking death or relationships and if so how have you been dealing with it" she questioned.

"I'm talking death and it's been a mix between friends and family. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing people left and right. I break down or I shut down like most people do when it first happens then I stay to myself just to get some clarity. But what really helps me is being able to express exactly how I'm feeling during that time in the form of my music. I rap bout it. I tell the stories in my music"

"That's good. I'm glad you have a source to be able to vent when need be because we all need some form of an outlet. For you, you have your music while others may dance, paint, and do whatever else to help them ease their minds. Some people may venture into more extreme measures like hardcore drugs, sex, and even self harm so to have the outlet you do is very good"

"Exactly that" he nodded in agreement knowing far too well how some people coped in all the wrong ways. He had saw friends become alcoholics. Heard how some of the neighborhood fiends became addicted and saw how some women used their bodies just to feel and take away the pain.

"This brings me to my next question. Are you having homicidal thoughts or have you had any homicidal thoughts in the past month? I know these are difficult questions but as your therapist it's my job to ensure your safety and the safety of the ones around you"

"I get it and no I'm not having any homicidal thoughts and I haven't had any in the past month" he answered. Now if she had asked him a few months ago the answer in his head would've been an absolute yes because he damn sure wanted to get rid of Profit, Hood, and anybody else who wanted to wreak havoc on his family. Well anyone besides Millie.

"Good, good" she nodded before folding her hands across her lap. "Do you have supportive people in your life more so your close-circle if so who? I ask my clients this question because you're going to need a support system. Having a good support system increases positive mental health and your wellbeing" she asked and explained.

"I actually have a good support system. Between my brother and my best friends who are pretty much my brothers they definitely support me. They have my back and hold me accountable for my actions. So when I fuck up they don't hold back or hesitate to tell me that I fucked up. I also have my parents who do the same. I have more than enough support" he answered. His support system was amazing and honestly with falling in love with April his support system had grown tremendously because he had her family as well. Sure they were off him at the moment but that support never wavered. They were still there. If he needed them they wouldn't hesitate to be by his side and vice versa.

"That's great to hear because some days after therapy you're going to need them. How's your relationship with your family" she said and questioned wanting to dig a little deeper.

"I have a great relationship with my family. My parents are still active and involved in my life. I can talk to them bout anything. I recently started a self-healing journey that's part of the reason why I'm speaking to you today. Since I've started this journey I've been taking this time to actually talk to my pops. So when I'm feeling a certain way or if I need some advice he's who I turn to first. For a long while my lil brother wasn't fuckin with me because of my baggage but we're back in each other's lives and although he's mad at me at the moment he's still there for me and very supportive. I also have a blended family with my fiancé and even with us being separated at the moment I still have her family's support as well" he answered. He figured she just wanted him to elaborate on his support system. He also felt the need to not curb his mouth. He was there for therapy and not a language lesson.

"Ok, ok I'm glad you have more than enough support as well as your family having your back regardless of what's going on in your life. It sounds like you have a very healthy support system but the only thing that's holding you back is yourself and your baggage"

"It's exactly that" he said because his life was good besides Millie's dark cloud looming over him wherever he went.

"So what part did your baggage play in when it came to you and your brother falling out" she questioned.

Dave sighed. "Like I said literally nothing good comes from my baggage except my daughter. My brother basically got tired of her and me going back and forth. You know breaking up to make up. Nobody thought she was a good fit for me not even her own mother. My parents never liked her. She always rubbed everyone the wrong way and when my brother would tell me things bout her I'd just brush him off because I was in love with her. Sure I knew we most likely wouldn't work out after while but I was trying to make it work. I was trying to make it work for my daughter but along the way I wanted it to work out for me too. He also didn't like some of the people I was calling my friends. He called them users and I really didn't open my eyes to that until my fiancé noticed the shit too. He basically got tired of me not listening to him. He also got tired of living in my shadow. He didn't want to be known as my lil brother and honestly I don't fault him for falling back or trying to be his own person" he said and shrugged his shoulders because after everything that happened he couldn't fault Errol at all for pulling back from him.

"That's understandable. A lot of us don't like to see our family members getting over on and taken advantage of. We also don't like telling our family members how we feel and being brushed off and not heard especially when we're supposed to be close to that person. So in some instances it's good to take a step back and let the person see for him or herself what's actually going on around them. You said he was mad at you. Why is he mad" she said and questioned.

Dave sighed again and wiped both of his hands across his face. "Because I did it again I let my baggage ruin a good thing. My wedding wasn't just cancelled. My fiancé well ex fiancé gave me back her ring, we broke up, and I moved out of our house taking one child and leaving another behind. He's mad at me for letting things get this far before actually dealing with my baggage because now I destroyed my family, broke my woman's heart, and split up our kids. I can't fault him for being mad at me because honestly I'm mad at myself. I'm pissed off. I never knew a love like this and I fumbled it because I wasn't quite ready" he sadly admitted. "If I would've just opened my mouth and told her how I was feeling we'd still be together and the wedding would just be pushed back. So yea that's why he's mad" he said and wiped his hands down his legs feeling them clam up.

"Hmm I see. I know everyone involved has to be upset especially your ex-fiancé. It was best for you guys to break up in my opinion though. If you all had gotten married even with her support your marriage wouldn't have survived because your baggage would still ruin it without you getting proper help. I'm sure it's upsetting to the both of you but in order to be good for her or anybody else you need to heal and be good for yourself first before taking a serious step like that. You don't want to leap into something as serious as a marriage and still be pulling loads of unresolved baggage along with you. Yes it's good to find someone to help you unload your baggage but when you're carrying the weight of the world in baggage you have to take care of yourself first because all it will do is grow, fester, and mess up a good thing"

"Agreed that's how I feel bout it too. I know he won't stay mad at me for long but I do hate that I drug everyone along all for this to happen. It wasn't supposed to end this way"

"Things happen and most of the time they happen for a reason so don't beat yourself up too badly. We're going to put a pause on this and come back during another session because this does play a big role in why you're here today and like I mentioned I don't want to overwhelm you" she paused. "So tell me how do you cope with stress? This is to help me determine what treatment and coping strategies that may work for you" she said, asked, and explained.

"Normally when I'm stressed I hit a blunt and talk to my fiancé or my brothers. We'll talk then if it's too much I'll probably end my night in the studio just to clear my head and focus on other things. I use to talk to my baby girl but since she's learning how to talk I can't trust her too much with my secrets. So now I find myself talking to our puppy because I never heard a dog talk" he said and laughed thinking about the many times he filled Charlie in on certain things.

Mrs. Lockwood laughed some.

"Nowadays when I'm stressed I still hit a blunt, I'll exercise, go to the studio, and if it's too much I'll call up my pops or head to the masjid and talk to my Imam"

"That's good you have some healthy coping habits. So I've noticed that's the first smile you've had since you been in here when you mentioned your baby girl. How old is she"

Dave chuckled. "Can't help it that's my baby she's the one who bridges the gap between our three families. She just turned one in September"

Mrs. Lockwood laughed and Dave was happy that for a few minutes the heavy conversation had stopped. "I see why you can't talk to her anymore"

"Yea she'd be done ran to one of her sisters or her momma or randomly blurted some shit out"

"That's very much possible" she said then smiled at him. "I know we've talked about a lot but before we end this session I have one more question for you"

"Ok" Dave nodded noticing how more relaxed and at ease he was from how nervous he was when he first walked through the door.

"What are the goals you want to accomplish in therapy? Now I know it sounds like the first question I asked you about what you expected out of therapy but I want to know more about your goals"

"I want to be able to live the life I deserve and how I see fit without someone from my past ruining it. I want to be able to verbally communicate how I feel. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I took all the necessary steps to become a better me. I want to be able to get to a point in my life where I feel great bout letting my past go and move forward. I want to be able to confront my baggage and explain myself to the woman I love. Overall I just want to be a better me" he answered. "I'm also going to have a sit down with my baggage tomorrow"

She smiled at him. "I'll make sure I'll do whatever I can to help you reach your goals. I can sense that you've been through a lot but from what I see in front of me you didn't let any of that stop you from greatness. When things fell you didn't give up. You kept pushing. You have a good head on your shoulders and you've been raised right. My goal is to help you get to where you want to be in life. So if you're willing to work with me I'm willing to work with you"

"I'm here doc I'm all in" Dave said and he was. It was time to get back the same energy he was putting out and it started with healing himself first everything else would pan out in due time.

*******

"So how was therapy" Senior asked Dave as they sat across from one another in a booth. They were at a little hole in the wall soul food spot eating a late lunch. Senior had made it his business to be here in person for Dave's first visit to the therapist. Since it was such a big day for him he had to make sure that he was by his side every step of the way. Not only was it his first day in therapy but also the day he was flying back to Jersey to finally have a long overdue one on one talk with Millie the next day. Sure Senior wouldn't be there while they were talking but he damn sure was going to be outside of the prison waiting for him when he came out. He just wanted him to know that he had his back throughout this whole journey. Then there was no telling how the talk with Millie was going to leave Dave so he had to be there for moral support.

"It was actually good. She didn't dive too deep but she asked me some questions for starters. She didn't make me feel uncomfortable. It was pretty easy to talk to her once the conversation started to flow" Dave answered. He was even happier that he told her about going to talk to Millie. She had eased his mind a little and gave him a few pointers. Not only that she had given him a few ideas on how to cope before and after the visit. One thing she had told him was to get it all off his chest no matter how he thought she would feel because this sit down wasn't for her it was for him and that's exactly what he planned on doing. He wasn't going to hold his tongue to appease her feelings any longer.

Senior smiled. "Good, good you even look good and I'm not talking physical"

"I don't know. I actually feel better. Ya the only one in the family that knows I'm doing this shit so you can see the progress that I've been making. But honestly ma lit a lil fire under my ass that night I popped up on her on some wanting to be friends shit. When she gave me her reasoning on why she couldn't be my friend I thought long and hard bout it and she was fuckin right. It's cool being friends when we're together but not when we're apart because we both need more when it comes to each other. On top of that the other day when I went home to drop food off to my kids they didn't want me to leave and that fucked me up bad. That shit hurt and the fact that Lil Butt had to ask her momma if it was ok if I stayed to watch a fuckin movie with them killed me. She shouldn't even have to do no shit like that. That shouldn't have even been a question. But the shit that's happening is the shit I need to see and the extra motivation I needed to get my shit together and make it back home to them" he said speaking his truth. He was seeing a lot of shit differently lately and noticed that he had taken some shit for granted.

Senior put his fist out and Dave gave him a pound. "Growth looks pretty damn good on you Jr...pretty damn good" he smiled proudly.

"Feels good too" Dave chuckled. "Go head and ask me. I know you want to"

Senior raised his hands in the air and chuckled. "How are you feeling about tomorrow? I know it's a big day for you"

Dave put his fork down and took a sip of water before looking at his father dead in the eyes. "After today I'm good. It's been a long time coming and I'm ready to get it over with. Sure I've said some shit to her a few times but now I'm ready to take off the child safety lock and let her have it. I ain't going there on any rude shit but I've put up with more than I should have. I went through shit that I shouldn't have. Everything fell apart and she's still flying off the radar. I just hope she's ready because her world as she knows it is bout to flip upside down" he spoke with pure conviction. He was going to speak his mind, get everything off his chest, let her go, and right all of his wrongs. Her ass was about to have a rude awakening and get ready for a long bid right along with her accomplices.

"My boy" Senior said through another smile. He just couldn't stop smiling. "You told my daughter in law you were leaving" he questioned.

Dave laughed. He loved that everyone in his family was still claiming April. He honestly wouldn't have it any other way. "Yea I told her I had to handle some shit in Jersey since I needed her to take Lil Butt for a couple of days"

"Are you gonna tell her about it once it's done"

"I don't know yet. I sort of want to tell her after I finish therapy but I don't know how long the process is going to take. Then I rather her hear it from me before she finds out another way especially since I don't know how this shit with Millie is gonna pan out. I don't know if I want her to wake up to seeing that shit on the headlines because it's going to make national news. I think she should be prepared for it"

"You'll figure it out"

"True" he nodded.

"Bet so how about you finish up so I can go see my grandbabies. I heard my daughter in law has all three of them today"

Dave laughed. "I should've known that's why you really came out here today"

Senior shrugged. "Eat up I got grandbabies to see"

________________________________
-Hey boos happy reading I hope y'all enjoyed. This is just the beginning to Dave's therapy session. You'll see more sessions throughout the book.
-I don't know about y'all but Dave in therapy and just getting himself together makes me smile. He's willing to finally put in the work and not just for everyone else but for himself and I love that for him. He's finally ready to take back his life and leave Millie in the past where she belongs.
-Any, who sharing is caring so tell a friend to tell a friend. Don't forget to comment, vote, & add to your libraries 🥰
-If you are reading & not commenting no problem just make sure you color the ⭐️ please & thank you 🥰

🛑For the ones that don't follow me I gave everyone a lil update on what's been going on with me. As I told them I've been slipping HEAVILY when it comes to updating but it's because of a pinch nerve that I have. It affects my dominant arm so writing and typing for long periods of time irritates it. I go to therapy once a week well once every two weeks now and even though it feels better than it originally did it's still bothersome. So these days I take my time. With that being said thanks for being patient 🥰. Any who, I'm out of here I need to reply to comments from like 2 chapters ago & start writing the next chapter.