Chapter 3: In My Feelings

{April}

I was the first one woke as usual. Although I fell asleep I couldn't stay asleep. I tossed and turned throughout the night. Truthfully I haven't had a night like this in a long while. Of course Chris meddles his way into my mind no matter how deep I try to bury him. But there are the constant reminders of him you know special occasions, birthdays, and holidays. Maybe it's because the day we were supposed to get married is slowly approaching or it could be the fact that I'm plastered all over the gotdamn internet and I know damn well that he seen me perform at the karaoke lounge. Regardless I know that he knows he's the reason behind that song as well as my performance.

Last night he ran through my mind like a wildfire and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't put out the flames. It was like everything resurfaced and I knew at any moment my tough façade would diminish. Flashes of the good, bad, and ugly ran through my head like I had long term amnesia and all my memories resurfaced and went haywire in my mind. Trust I was good most of the time but I still had my days every so often.

Since the breakup with Chris I haven't dealt with another man no matter how hard they tried to spit game. I just wasn't with it. I needed time to myself and I swore off all entertainers. I didn't want to be in the limelight unless it had to do with my accomplishments. I didn't want to be recognized for looking good in someone's arms.

I stood in the kitchen over the stove getting breakfast ready since I knew the girls would be waking up soon. Nothing spectacular this morning just thick cut pork bacon for Alaina and me and sausages for Hazel along with scrambled eggs and cheese with biscuits for all. I wasn't in the mood to go all out but I knew I had to get my shit together before they came downstairs trying to interrogate my ass and that I didn't have time for. A few minutes later they entered the kitchen looking like they had a rough night.

"Morning sun shines the earth says hello" I greet them on my Willy Wonka shit.

"Here ya chipper ass go" Alaina huffed rubbing her hand over her face.

"Any, who Aleves and water are on the counter" I pointed to the bottle of Aleves and water that I had placed on the counter for them and cut off the stove.

"Thanks" they both mumbled and popped the pills back.

"Breakfast is ready" I placed everything on the island and went back to get the orange juice out the fridge.

"Appie you did the damn thing last night. I got so many notifications them shits bout to break my damn phone. I think you broke the internet" Alaina said as she scrolled through her notifications on the Gram.

"I'm mad bitches talking out the side of their necks" Hazel smacked her lips. She hated shit like that. Me on the other hand I was pretty much use to bitches talking. That's all they did while I was with Chris and even after. That's why I really never paid attention to social media let alone posted anything on them.

"You know how the media is as well as the people who think they know what they're talking bout is. You know what I say" I looked at the both of them smirking.

"Fuck em" we all shouted and laughed. I saw what they said and I'll admit that some rubbed me the wrong way. Sites were saying that I finally came out of hiding while others said I just wanted to be seen because Chris had finally moved on. Then people had side comments talking about me like they personally knew me. I was an attention seeking whore, I wanted to breakup Chris relationship with whoever the chick was, and so much other bullshit. Yes Chris was on my mind when I sung that song but I wouldn't want to come between whatever he has going on. Besides I left him standing at the altar for a reason. What people fail to realize is that I could have Chris if I wanted him like that and he wouldn't dare hesitate to leave whomever he was with behind but that's not the type of woman I am. When I fell in love with Chris it wasn't for who he was on the outside world but for Christopher Maurice Brown the fun, loving, goofy, and caring man that he truly was. People were talking about me like I was the one who fucked up but I was the victim in the situation.

"Bitches talking like you're some regular ass hoe seeking attention" Hazel rolled her eyes smacking on her biscuit. "Let's not forget how a few months back you were on a Forbes magazine yet again but no one said shit or that fact that you just had another software program launch and yet you were in how many other magazines. When you're good they don't have shit to say" she continued but she was absolutely correct.

"Damned if you do. Damned if you don't" I shrugged.

"Let's not forget out of all the chicks Chris has been with you were the ONLY one to get a ring and not just any fucking ring either AND a damn wedding even if you did leave his sorry ass at the altar" Alaina chimed in.

"Exactly but hey I just keep my mouth shut. I don't have time for unnecessary bullshit" I sipped on my drink.

"Anyway how are you feeling bout the situation" Alaina asked as she bore her light brown eyes that she got from our father into my dark brown orbs that I got from our mother reading me and searching for the truth. "Don't lie to me either" she raised her freshly arched brows.

"I'm good. I knew once y'all posted up online that people were gonna throw in their 2 cents. That comes with the territory of being the ex-fiancé of the world's famous bad boy Chris Brown. It is what it is" I shrugged my shoulders acting as if I wasn't in my feelings about the fuckery when I truly was. Some days I wondered did he go through the same emotions as me. Like was I still on his mind? Did he still love me? Did he still care bout me? Was a constant reminder of his fuck ups?

"If you feel the way you feel how come you kept tossing and turning in your sleep" Hazel asked. I knew they knew something was bothering me and knowing them they were determined to find out the truth.

"I was hot as hell from all those drinks and y'all being in my bed" I replied knowing damn well that was a sorry ass excuse and shrugged.

"Bitch bye how many times have we all had nights like that. Miss me with the bullshit Elegance" Hazel rolled her eyes. "Your ass is a cuddler! You like to be up under somebody so what's on your mind" she asked.

"Don't worry bout it I just need a fuck buddy. Someone with some good dick with no attachments involved. Once I get a dose of vitamin D I should be good"

"Now that's the first. What happened to you not being into the whole fuck buddy thing?"

"I don't have time to invest me feelings or my time into someone right now. I just need someone to break my shit down when needed and cuddle with me sometimes. After that they can go about their business" I replied as Alaina jumped out of her seat placing her hand on my forehead trying to see if I had a temperature.

"Bitch I don't know who you are right now" she sat back down. "Chris really did a number on you because there's no way you'd even consider a fuck buddy at this age. You threw all that shit out the window saying you wanted to be in a committed relationship before you just fucked around with someone for the hell of it" Alaina said in disbelief but she knew the reason behind it.

"Which is true but I don't want or have time for shit like that. Just give me a cute face, a long thick big dick, and a few rounds. It's been 2 years I need that shit that make you want to tap out but the nigga so aggressive he stares you in the eyes and says ain't no running B you better take this big dick" I chuckled fanning myself. Those bitches bust out laughing like I told the world's funniest joke but my ass was dead serious.

"We need to find you some dick ASAP" Hazel hollered between laughing.

"Please do and thank you in advance" I joined the laughter. "Real talk though Chris will always be a sore topic for me. I loved that man wholeheartedly and gave him my all when he didn't deserve it because I saw so much in him. He'll always have a piece of my heart. 5 years of being in love with someone is kind of hard to throw away. I have my good days. I have my bad days but I have no choice but to live my life and accept that we don't always get what we want." I said finally letting them somewhat in as I tried hard not to let the tears drop from my eyes. "I loved that boy before we even entered a relationship and I'll probably love him till the day I die but I love myself more and that's all that really matters" I stood up from my stool and put my plate and utensils in the sink.

"Maybe y'all should have a sit down and tell each other how y'all feel and clear up the air" Alaina suggested. Trust me I thought bout that but I don't think being in his presence is good for me at least not yet.

"I have to agree with LaLa. It's been 2 years. I know y'all both need to get some shit off y'all chest" Hazel nodded her head.

"I'm good on that. But I do know y'all asses need to get dressed cause I need to do some retail therapy" I shot that idea down immediately. I don't know what I'd do if I saw him again. Would I slap the shit out of him and curse him out or would I jump on him and rape the fuck out of him. Would it really be considered rape though? Hmm!

"You know I'm always down for shopping" Aliana hopped out of her seat again.

"Of course you are when you're spending my money" I chuckled.

"But you're my big sister. You love me and you like to treat me" she poked out her lips.

"Girl bye" I waved her off and playfully rolled my eyes at her. She knew I would buy her the world if she wanted it. She stayed in school and worked hard for her own so I had no issue spoiling her. Besides she was a good kid. She had a few more months and she'd be a college graduate.

"One more thing and then I'll start getting ready cause you know I'm always down to do some shopping" Hazel said smirking.

"Sup" I folded my arms across my chest.

"Can you at least think bout it. The squad misses you and they always ask bout you. You never really come to LA to visit me and when you do come its work related and we have to sneak and hang like I'm cheating on my nigga. Please for me can you at least think bout it" Hazel pleaded. I mean I understood where she was coming from but I don't know how I'd feel being face to face with a man that broke my heart and made me feel worthless.

"I'm sorry for making you feel that way Haze and yes I'll think bout it but it has to be on my own time" I agreed. It was never intended to make my best friend feel like she was creeping around yet alone leave the rest of the crew behind I just couldn't deal. It could happen sooner or later who knows. At the end of the day it was something we both needed to do. I knew for a fact that I needed too I just wasn't ready at the moment.

"Thankies you're the best"

"Well you know" I started twerking bouncing my ass effortlessly only to have them twerk right along with me.

"Aye, Aye, Aye" we all chanted as we egged each other on.

What's on your mind?

Any thoughts on April?