Chapter 29: Smoke N Mirrors
April

As soon as April locked the front door and put on the alarm after Chris's departure she immediately called her sisters telling them that she needed them. It was a code red a 911 emergency. She felt it in her heart, her soul, she felt it throughout her body, and she felt it all over just surrounding her, suffocating her. April was about to crack. She was about to have a nervous breakdown that was about 5 years overdue. From the first time Chris fucked up, to his baby by another woman, her miscarriage, the birth and death of her son, the wedding that never ended the way it was supposed to, the 2 plus years that she pretty much hid from everyone besides a few, and the times where she literally buried herself in her work.

The shit she dealt with that she didn't have to. The emotions she went through April was done. She was tired of walking around as if everything was oh so sweet and her life was oh so grand when it was all smoke and mirrors. The walls that April had built up around herself were so thick that they were slowly suffocating her and closing in on her. Her heart hurt, literally hurt as if someone was squeezing it, her body felt weak, and her mind felt like it was betraying her. She felt herself slipping and gasping for air that she so desperately needed. It was finally happening. April was losing herself.

April felt like her body was burning from the inside out like she was walking through flames. She snatched her cat suit off and tossed it to the floor and took the bun out of her hair letting her kinky curls fall all over the place. She paced back and forth across her carpeted bedroom floor with tears streaming out her eyes and down her cheeks looking like small puddles as she tugged on her hair furiously. She felt like everything she had been through was absolutely her fault. Sure Chris told her that it wasn't her fault and that it was all his but April was grown enough to walk away before shit got bad. She felt like she should've left the first time he fucked up. April knew what love was. She had a great example and a front row seat to her parent's marriage. Yes she knew that there would be good days and bad days but nothing like she had experienced. She knew if it was anybody else she wouldn't have tolerated that shit from any nigga but Chris had a hold on her heart and used and abused it.

If she would've left maybe their son would still be alive. Maybe if she would've left in the beginning she wouldn't have to go through so many loses taking L after L and bullet after bullet because the shots never seemed to miss the intended target, her. April stood still in the middle of the room with her hands covering her face trying to get herself together but she couldn't. She couldn't hold it any longer. Her body shook violently as she felt something building up in the pit of her stomach waiting yet begging to be released. She let go and fell to the floor screaming at the top of her lungs as if someone was trying to kill her. It was one of those blood curdling screams. At that very moment Alaina and Hazel were entering the house and heard her. They immediately took flight up the stairs rushing to get to her.

The scene before them broke their hearts and tears now poured out of their eyes. They knew it that it would happen sooner or later. They had been wondering how she had been so strong just taking everything that came her way. Anybody that went through half of the shit April had would've been lost it but she was pushing through it or at least making it seem as if she was pushing through it.

Sure she had gotten cheated on and the nigga she was with had a baby on her but the shit that just wouldn't settle in her mind and heart right now is that she lost a whole baby and still had to give birth to that same baby. She should've left Chris when she first found out she was pregnant. If she would've left she knew for a fact that Jr. would've been alive and she would be stress free being the best mother she could be. Of course April didn't want to blame Chris but at the moment her mind wouldn't let her think any different. She felt like she dropped the ball and her baby boy paid the price. April was tired of keeping her baby hidden and mourning his death by herself. Talking to him morning and night in her closet where she practically had a shrine built just for him. His sonogram pictures, the few outfits she bought for him, his hospital pictures of the day she delivered him, his specially made urn, and the gold and blue candles that she always lit while she talked to him all sat in a closed off portion in her closet.

Her sisters sat on the floor alongside her letting her get it all out because they knew she needed to. April rocked back and forth trying to think of happier things but it just wasn't cutting it. No matter what she thought about nothing seemed to work. She needed to let her sisters know as well as her parents know that they had a nephew and a grandson. Jr. was so perfect in her eyes. He was a beautiful baby. Yes he was a product of a broken relationship but he was still loved. April loved him to pieces and every waking moment that he wasn't here in her arms hurt. His tiny little body in her arms was surreal yet a heart breaking moment for her. Her heart was already broken but the death of her baby boy is what broke the little bit of her heart she had left. April couldn't understand what she had done so wrong in her life that her baby had to die. Why did he have to be the ultimate sacrifice?

April secretly despised Chris sometimes. He was the one that didn't want a baby and made a big fuss if she even brought up the subject. Yet Jr. looked just like him as if he had spit him out. He was his carbon copy. Even with his tint of blue you could tell that he was going to be light bright just like his father. He had freckles that covered his little button nose and cheeks, a head full of curly hair courtesy of April, and even though he wasn't fully grown  he was still a lengthy baby. Jr. was going to be tall just like his dad. Yeah there were signs of April but Chris genes damn near went in overdrive. Jr. was his baby through and through.

All April could think about is yes he looked like his father but how was he going to act? What would his personality be like? Would he take after her when it came to being smart? Would he have her laugh and her smile? Would he be a mama's boy or into his father more? Life wasn't fair though. April just hoped and prayed that the next child she'd have would make it and live a good healthy life whether she was with the father or not. Her next baby just had to make it. That was a lose she knew damn well she wouldn't be able to handle again.

Alaina pulled April in her arms hugging her tightly rocking her back and forth. She couldn't stand to see her sister this way. "Cry, cry it all out sissy. Everything is gonna be aight" Poor Alaina only if she knew what was really going on in her sister's head.

April lay in Alaina's arms starring at the wall never blinking. She felt like she was mentally stuck in her head. She didn't know how they were going to react but she needed to tell them and now. "I...miss...I miss my baby" April broke down on her shoulders as her chest heaved up and down violently.

"Dave" Alaina said in a questioning tone. She knew they were dating but for April to be crying for him she didn't understand.

"We can call Dave for you sis" Hazel said getting ready to grab April's phone and call him.

April pulled away from Alaina and looked at her and shook her head no taking her phone before Hazel could reach it immediately opening it up and going to the album specially made for Jr. As soon as she opened up the album she passed it to Alaina. "My baby...my son...your nephew"

"Huh" Hazel and Alaina both said confused.

Alaina looked at the picture of April clearly in the hospital holding a baby boy in her arms with tears in her eyes. April looked exhausted like she had just given birth but Alaina had known she wasn't pregnant or at least she thought she wasn't. Alaina's eyes widened in shock as realization hit her. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. There was no way in hell April had a whole baby and didn't tell her about him. Hazel saw the look on Alaina's face and snatched the phone to see what had her so confused and shocked. One look at the picture and Hazel felt her own set of tears running down her face once again. They couldn't believe it but the proof was starring them right in the face.

"April what is this" Alaina asked hoping it wasn't what she thought. Alaina and April didn't do secrets and this right here was too big of a secret to keep to herself. How could she not know something so major?

"That's your nephew Christopher Maurice Brown Jr." April answered wiping her face as fresh tears ran down her cheeks. She knew she was going to look like shit this weekend between the constant crying and her clogged nose it was destined.

"I'm not understanding, when were you even pregnant and what the hell happened"

"I was pregnant at the same time as Nia but I didn't say anything because I wanted to tell Chris first. The day I planned to tell Chris was the same day Nia popped up at our house pregnant so I never told him. I wanted to tell him before I told any of you guys and today was finally that day. I had a miscarriage but still had to give birth to my lil angel" she answered and sniffed. "And since he didn't make it I felt no need to talk bout it...to talk bout him"

"Why didn't you say anything? We would've been there for you" Hazel asked. April knew they would be there for her but she didn't want them there.

"I failed my son. I didn't want to talk bout it or relive it. I wanted to act as if it didn't happen. I didn't want a pity party for something that could've been prevented" April still felt like it was her fault even when she knew it was a medical condition.

"Don't put that on yourself. It's not ya fault. Everything happens for a reason. Whatever the reason was you may never know but please don't put that on yourself"

"Yes it is" April shouted. "If I would've left Chris I'd a been stress free and I'd a been paying more attention to myself. I didn't even know I was pregnant to begin with. If I'd a left Chris, Jr would be right here with me but no I ended up sacrificing my son for a man who gave no fucks bout me. That same man being his father"

"Don't you dare...DON'T YOU DARE do that. It's not ya fault. You and Chris could've been doing good and you still could've lost the baby. I can't say that I know what it feels like to lose a baby but I know it's not ya fault or Chris's" Hazel spoke as they all leaned against the foot of the bed.

"I'm still lost. How could I not notice the changes? How did I not know that you were keeping this big of a secret? Like out of all people why didn't you tell me? I would've been right by ya side every step of the way" Alaina wiped her eyes. Her sister was hit blow after blow and she couldn't understand for the life of her how April had went so long without breaking down. Shit at this point nobody could understand.

April clutched her knees to her chest and rocked back and forth. "I've learned a lot with dealing with Chris one being hiding my feelings and emotions and any problem that I'm going through. My relationship my problems! Simply put my problems are exactly that my problems. I put myself in the situation so I had to deal with the outcome on my own. Besides everybody was living their own lives and I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news. All of you guys were in happy places and I didn't want to dim anyone's light with my problems. I didn't want anyone to hold my hand even when I needed it. All I wanted was to be happy during my pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby but shit didn't work out that way. When I first found out I wanted to be happy and I planned on telling everyone but then it dawned on me that Chris didn't want a baby and popping up pregnant I didn't know how it would go"

"I wanted to tell you guys so bad. The day I planned on telling Chris was the day before I planned on telling everyone. I wanted to have an intimate family dinner and surprise everyone but once I saw Nia and her baby bump I no longer felt not even a hint of special. I felt like I was the side chick and me and my baby meant nothing to Chris even if he didn't know bout him" April wiped her face and continued rocking back and forth. "What I do know is that I will no longer hide my child from anyone. He doesn't deserve it. I'm so sorry for keeping something so big from y'all. I know we don't do secrets but I just felt like a complete and utter failure. Our jobs as women are to birth children and I couldn't even do that right. So I was in my feelings and still to this day I be in my feelings. I can't help the way I feel. All I know is the next time God blesses me with a child I'll do whatever I have to, to make sure that I give birth to a healthy baby"

"I can't tell you how to feel but you'll get through this. You don't know why God did what he did but you aren't a failure no matter what you think. You aren't the first and won't be the last to have a miscarriage. Shit happens" Alaina said and she was right. Miscarriages happened every day and some poor women had to deal with her baby not making it. "I still can't believe I have a nephew" Alaina said as she starred at his picture. "He looks just like Chris light bright ass" she chuckled.

"Word you can tell he'd be the spitting image of his slinky ass" Hazel laughed as she looked over Alaina's shoulder looking at the picture as well.

"They do say that the baby comes out looking like the one who gets on ya nerves the most" Alaina said.

"True" Hazel agreed.

"Either way he was a cutie" Alaina said as they all smiled.

"How was it? You know giving birth" Hazel asked.

April looked at her smiling. "It was the most beautiful yet heart breaking moment I have ever experienced. It was like damn I just gave birth to a whole little human being. The life that was inside me was now here in my arms but he wouldn't be able to live his full life. They tried to bring him back but he was already far too gone" April responded wiping more fallen tears. "I held him in my arms until I couldn't anymore. I apologized to him so many times and prayed that he'd forgive me. I made a promise to him that I would make him proud and love him forever and always and when I finally left Chris I made him a new promise. I promised him that the next relationship I was in that I would know my worth and if the man didn't see how much I was worth I wouldn't hesitate to leave because I wouldn't dare do a part 2"

"I just have to say and I will continue to say that I absolutely love you. Not only are you my best friend but you are the sister I never had. I don't know how you do it but Thing 1 you are the definition of a strong black woman and I admire you so damn much. I don't care what I'm doing if you need me I will be there no questions asked just like you are always there for me. All I want to do is see you happy, genuinely happy. I know we aren't on the subject but since you've been talking to Dave you have been the happiest that I have seen you in years. Your smile is no longer for show. You smile because you're actually happy and Dave makes you happy. I wish you guys nothing but the best and I hope and pray you get a second chance at love and a family of your own" Hazel wipes her own set of tears away. April was more of a sister than a best friend and she wanted nothing but the best for her.

"Aww Thing 3 I love you so much" April cried and hugged her tightly. Hazel was her day 1 and never had she switched up and went against the grain. From day one they were inseparable and that's how it was going to stay.

"Don't forget bout me" Alaina whined causing them to laugh as she joined the hug. "Since we're giving out speeches I guess it's my turn. You already know that you're the best big sister and best friend that I could ever ask for. You do things for me that you don't have to but you do it because you love and care for me. You are always there for me. You never complain about doing things for me or ever throw anything you do for me in my face. I always tell you that I love you but if I don't say this enough truly appreciate you. You are one of my role models. You make me feel like I can do and be anything. The roof over my head, the cars that I drive, my schooling, and everything else that you do I appreciate it all. I know losing my nephew was hard to go through especially by yourself but I wish you nothing but love, happiness, and more lil bundles of joy. I know you'll be a great mother" She pushed some of April's hair behind her ear and grabbed her hands cupping them in hers. "I use to think that Chris was the one but since Dave has entered ya life I think I got it wrong because when I think bout all of our futures I see you and Dave happy and deep in love. I truly hope that he is it for you and you get all of the love you give out and deserve. I love you Thing 1" Alaina smiled while April removed her hands from hers and wiped away Alaina's fallen tears.

"I love you too Thing 2 always and forever. You two are the best sisters and best friends that I could ever ask for. I know you will always be there when I need you and I'm so sorry for not calling you both when I needed you. I promise no more secrets" April smiled at them. "I love y'all" They sat there with smiles on their faces in a comfortable silence. April had needed them more than she realized. She needed someone to talk to instead of constantly holding shit inside and they were there for her just like always. She felt good talking to them about what had been going on behind the scenes of her life. The words that they said and expressed to her warmed her heart. April needed to hear those words. She needed to know that they had her back and that even though shit wasn't always peachy she did have some shit to smile about. She was alive, had made something of herself, had family and friends who loved her and now a man who seemed to adore her and worship the ground that she walked on.

"Speaking of Dave you might want to hit him back there's a bunch of messages from him on ya phone" Hazel broke the silence.

"He's gonna kill me. I know he's worried" April picked up the phone and went straight to her messages.

(4:05pm) My Papi💋👅🍆: Hey ma I know ya prob still talking to ole boy but I'm just checking on ya

(4:45pm) My Papi💋👅🍆: Ma you good?

(6:00pm) My Papi💋👅🍆: I'm here if you need me

(7:15pm) My Papi💋👅🍆: Baby hit me back. I got a sinking feeling that somethings wrong

(7:20pm) My Papi💋👅🍆: Pick up the phone!

(7:25pm) My Papi💋👅🍆: I feel it. You need me

April read the messages and couldn't help but smile at how worried and concerned Dave was. It showed that he cared and wanted to be there for her. Immediately going to her call log she saw that she had quite a few calls from him as well. He was definitely worried and now she felt bad that she hadn't answered him back at all. She wasn't neglecting him she was just caught up in talking to Chris and going through shit besides her phone had been on silent the whole time. Pressing his contact to call him FaceTime as usual Dave picked up on the 2nd ring with a mug on his face mixed with pure worry. April sighed and wiped her hand over her face.

"Baby I'm so sorry for not answering and worrying you. It wasn't my intention to ignore you and make you worry" she kept her eyes on him. "I just wasn't me for a while" she mumbled.

"Fuck all that I just need to know are you good. I got this feeling a lil while ago that something was wrong. Are you good and don't lie to me either"

She sighed. "I think I just had my first ever nervous breakdown. I'm not ok but I'm dealing" she answered him truthfully. "I'm not alone though if you're wondering. The girls are here with me"

"Hey brotha" Alaina moved over so Dave could see her.

"Hey Dave" Hazel showed her face as well.

"Sup, Y'all got my baby"

"You already know" they answered in unison.

"Say less"

"We'll let y'all talk we'll be right downstairs Thing 1" Alaina kissed her cheek and got up followed by Hazel who kissed April's other cheek and left the room. April knew they weren't going anywhere but to the living room. They wouldn't dare leave her at a time like this.

"Talk to me baby. What's on ya mind" Dave asked her. She knew he wanted to know where her head was at especially when she knew damn well she didn't look like herself at the moment.

"I rather talk bout it in person. I'm honestly ready to come home and lay up under you but I want to finish the weekend out with everybody. The conversation with Chris went better than expected which we'll talk bout when I get home but after he left I just had a meltdown. I've been keeping so much bottled in that it just finally hit me all at once" she wiped her eyes. "I'm fucked up no matter how good I hide it"

"Listen I can cancel my studio session tonight and hop on a flight right to you. Just say the word"

"As much as I'd like to be in ya arms right now I can't let you do that. I appreciate it though. You have work to do and a bag to secure. Sunday will be here in no time"

"Ma, fuck that bag. If you need me which I know you do I'm there. I can always make that back"

"I can't let you do that"

"I'm ya man ain't I" he questioned.

"Yes"

"I'm supposed to be there when you need me so why not let me" he looked at her waiting to hear her answer.

"David you can be there for me without being here physically. You're here for me right now"

Dave let out a breath. "Sunday can't get here fast enough. When ya ass get back I'm not letting you outta my sight"

April smiled she knew she was serious. "Who would've known that my big bad thug of a man was a softy" April joked but she was so thankful to have him by her side.

Dave mugged her. "Only for you, lil butt, my mama, and my sista" he chuckled. "Ole boy didn't step outta line did he" he furrowed his brows and asked.

"Not at all like I said the conversation turned out better than I expected. I told him how I felt and he let me know how he felt. He apologized and at the end of it all we both agreed to work on our friendship"

"Bet, I'm here for it just as long as he knows his place. He had his chance and he fucked it up"

"I'm not worried bout it. Last time I checked I'm already spoken for papi" she smirked.

"That you are ma that you are"

"So did you think bout our first date night" April relaxed and climbed onto her bed and laid right in the middle of it. Dave always managed to put her at ease. He made her feel like everything was right in the world.

"I did but I ain't giving out details" this time Dave smirked.

"Whatever as long as I'm getting my back broke by the end of the night I'm good" she said dead ass serious.

Dave laughed a big hearty laugh causing April to smile. "You bold as fuck ma"

"And you already know this" she didn't deny it.

"You took ya birth control"

"Si papi" she answered honestly.

"Good, good" he licked his lips.

"You got the wheel chair"

"For what" he asked then burst out laughing once he thought about it. "Ma I can't do that to you on our first time" he said in between laughs.

"Why not" she asked and pouted. "I can take the D besides with the way I'm feeling I need a drunken, blunt filled, and sex filled night. I'm mentally and sexually frustrated. All I want is for my man to fuck this shit away. All I want to feel is my man's big dick rearranging my organs" April said bluntly. After the day she had she didn't want to feel shit but pleasure and not an ounce of pain.

"Ma you asking for something you ain't ready for. You want papi to choke ya ass, beat that shit out the frame, fuck up ya walk, have you screaming so loud that the neighbors know my name, make them call the pigs, and make you call outta work and work from home. You want that papi dick that daddy dick and that I'm a get you pregnant dick. Trust me ma I'm willing to give you all of that and more but that ain't gonna help with how ya feeling. It'll feel good yes but it would only be a temporary fix" Dave wanted to give her the D. Shit he was going to give her the D but he was going to make sure he spoke the truth to her. Sex wasn't going to fix shit.

April groaned. She knew it was true but she just wanted to not feel for a while. "I know I know"

"I'm a get you right believe that but we're gonna talk bout this shit. The more you talk bout how you feel and what's on ya mind the better you will feel. I ain't going anywhere ma we'll get through this shit together because you aren't by yourself" Dave told her and she knew that he meant every word.

April bit her lip. "Damn whose man are you? Ya woman is blessed to have someone like you by her side. Oh wait...that's me" she cheesed. Dave had indeed been a blessing.

"Say less" he smiled at her.

"What time does your session start?"

"10 but I don't plan on being there all night"

"Oh ok"

They continued talking until April fell asleep on the phone. She was mentally and physically exhausted. She knew she was going to have to talk to an actual therapist and stop holding shit in because in the long run all she was doing was fucking herself over in the process. Family, friends, and her man could only do but so much. April was going to do whatever she needed to do to get herself back at 100%. She was going to stay in LA for the full weekend and enjoy her friends while she could and when she reached home she was going to be on a get back to herself journey and she was ready for the ride. She needed the change not only for her but also her relationship with her family and her man. April just want something new, healthy, and fresh.

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-Whew didn't think it was going to be this long of a chapter but hey it is what it is😁
-Happy Reading and hope you enjoy😊
-Looks like our girl has finally lost it. It was bound to happen😢 she's still strong though.
-Your thoughts🤔...Talk to me what's on your minds
-April trying to get herself into some shit she ain't ready for talking all that shit to papi😂
-I don't know about y'all but I miss Dave 😂 it's been a lot of April and Chris lol
-Any, who you know the drill sharing is caring. Tell a friend to tell a friend. Don't forget to comment, vote, & add to your libraries thankies😊
-And another thing if you guys are reading and not commenting no problem but could you at least color that ⭐️ please and thank you lol